I am copying some of this from a response comment I left for Pam on my previous post, and I wasn't sure if I should even post this because I'm a mess and I have nothing good to say lately:
Thank you everyone for your responses and support :)It truly is appreciated.
My ob office called yesterday and said that my pap came back with some abnormal cells so they want to do more tests on my next appt 2/4/10. My best friend just happened to call me right after they did, so it was a real blessing. They weird thing is I KNEW as he was doing my pap that it was going to come back abnormal.
Maybe it was God warning me and preparing me. I don't know.
I am hanging by a thread, I don't know how much more stress I can take. Last night I had to lay down for 1/2 hr because I could feel my uterus contracting. I'll be 13 week this coming tuesday so...
*Sigh* I am hanging in there trying to be positive.
Showing posts with label Prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayers. Show all posts
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, July 11, 2008
An Iowa brand of fear (and other oddities)
If you know anything about the mert, it's that I grew up with hurricanes on the east coast in Maryland (off of the Chesapeake Bay), and experienced my first earthquake a week after being transfered to Oakland , California while in the Navy. Yeah, I'm talking about the big one that collapsed the Bay Bridge, the very bridge that we had been on only 10 minutes before it collapsed?
But I digress... What I mean to say is that though living through a hurricane is no fun, though surviving it surely is pleasant and wanted, as is learning to not have a nervous break down from each little tremor while living in the Bay Area for 12 years. But this tornado business is a fresh new hell for me.
I've been living in Iowa for almost 7 years now, and I can truly say that I am blessed to live in an area that is not commonly the birth place or destruction zone for them. Usually they tend to wander all around us in different towns, usually different counties.
Three nights ago, I had a horrible dream in which I saw a tornado coming and screamed for John to help me get the kids inside to the basement, and in the dream a tornado struck our house and pulled me up through the dining room floor as my family watched in horror. Even in the midst of a nightmare my corny humor escapes, because the tornado left , and left me stuck in the dining room floor, with my feet hanging over my family while I hung there wedged in the floor.
At least I made it, right? I have had dreams where I have died and let me tell you, it puts a damper on the rest of your week. SNORT!
The oddities start here. Emma had a nightmare the next night (2 nights ago) about a tornado and slept restlessly all night, waking up almost every hour crying. Now it is very possible that she had nightmares because she heard me telling John about my dream (later in the dream I was chased by the Headless Horseman LOL!). But I have had dreams that have come true before : my brother getting into a car accident, my mother thinking about killing herself, and weird tidbits that later turn into de ja vu moments. I once told my brother -when we were kids- that I had a dream the night before about the very mall we were sitting in, that a lady with a certain colored shirt and color of hair in heels was going to trip on the escalator and fall. Just as I was telling him, he looked over to the escalator and it happened just as I described. They don't happen a lot and I only have them every couple of years, but I do take extras precautions when I have dreams like that, to the best of my human ability. I have had "feelings" in the past that have come true as well (winning money in Vegas and Tahoe, the airline losing my luggage, about my mother thinking about killing herself etc.). If only I had a "feeling" about winning the lottery... but no such luck.
Recently, before we even bought our pool, I had a dream that Emma drowned in a pool. I seriously considered not buying a pool, but resolved to be as anal retentive and careful as ever with Emma being outside near the pool. These dreams unfortunately add another layer of neurosis to my character, but what can I do?
The biggest problem I have with admitting stuff like this is the fact I realize how nutty and fruit cake-y this makes me sound, especially considering the fact that my very own mother is a legally documented and certified Coo coo for Cocopuffs nut case.
Anyway, yesterday was not the case (as far as tornadoes missing us), and we had a tornado headed right for us. Naturally, I was terrified, and a little spooked that Emma and I had both dreamed about tornadoes. We went to the basement after the first siren, meanwhile Anna was close to tears as I set up a corner of the basement with sleeping bags to huddle on in case we needed it. The second horn sounded and I announced that we all needed to go to that corner, as I watched the doppler read out of the storm over top of us on my laptop... and PRAYED. I kept the girls occupied with games on their Nintendo DS's, while I paced and prayed for our safety (and John's at work), and prayed that not only the tornado pass over us completely but that it dissipate into nothing but beautiful fluffy clouds so that no one be harmed.
All I can say is that those dreams made pray even harder, and if I am getting those dreams for a reason, then I'll take it. I'm going to say that it wasn't my neurotic behavior taking over, but feeling the gravity and seriousness of the situation combined with our dreams that made me face it with subdued terror and fervent prayer. ;)
I know a lot of people in my town were praying because the tornado did dissipate and the tornado warning was called off early just shortly after the tornado was supposed to hit our town... the greenish-gray clouds giving way to partly cloudy but sunny skies.
I've never seen the sky look so blue, and I had a new appreciation for the power of God and the power of prayer.
Oh, and I'm really glad the Headless Horseman never showed up. ;)
But I digress... What I mean to say is that though living through a hurricane is no fun, though surviving it surely is pleasant and wanted, as is learning to not have a nervous break down from each little tremor while living in the Bay Area for 12 years. But this tornado business is a fresh new hell for me.
I've been living in Iowa for almost 7 years now, and I can truly say that I am blessed to live in an area that is not commonly the birth place or destruction zone for them. Usually they tend to wander all around us in different towns, usually different counties.
Three nights ago, I had a horrible dream in which I saw a tornado coming and screamed for John to help me get the kids inside to the basement, and in the dream a tornado struck our house and pulled me up through the dining room floor as my family watched in horror. Even in the midst of a nightmare my corny humor escapes, because the tornado left , and left me stuck in the dining room floor, with my feet hanging over my family while I hung there wedged in the floor.
At least I made it, right? I have had dreams where I have died and let me tell you, it puts a damper on the rest of your week. SNORT!
The oddities start here. Emma had a nightmare the next night (2 nights ago) about a tornado and slept restlessly all night, waking up almost every hour crying. Now it is very possible that she had nightmares because she heard me telling John about my dream (later in the dream I was chased by the Headless Horseman LOL!). But I have had dreams that have come true before : my brother getting into a car accident, my mother thinking about killing herself, and weird tidbits that later turn into de ja vu moments. I once told my brother -when we were kids- that I had a dream the night before about the very mall we were sitting in, that a lady with a certain colored shirt and color of hair in heels was going to trip on the escalator and fall. Just as I was telling him, he looked over to the escalator and it happened just as I described. They don't happen a lot and I only have them every couple of years, but I do take extras precautions when I have dreams like that, to the best of my human ability. I have had "feelings" in the past that have come true as well (winning money in Vegas and Tahoe, the airline losing my luggage, about my mother thinking about killing herself etc.). If only I had a "feeling" about winning the lottery... but no such luck.
Recently, before we even bought our pool, I had a dream that Emma drowned in a pool. I seriously considered not buying a pool, but resolved to be as anal retentive and careful as ever with Emma being outside near the pool. These dreams unfortunately add another layer of neurosis to my character, but what can I do?
The biggest problem I have with admitting stuff like this is the fact I realize how nutty and fruit cake-y this makes me sound, especially considering the fact that my very own mother is a legally documented and certified Coo coo for Cocopuffs nut case.
Anyway, yesterday was not the case (as far as tornadoes missing us), and we had a tornado headed right for us. Naturally, I was terrified, and a little spooked that Emma and I had both dreamed about tornadoes. We went to the basement after the first siren, meanwhile Anna was close to tears as I set up a corner of the basement with sleeping bags to huddle on in case we needed it. The second horn sounded and I announced that we all needed to go to that corner, as I watched the doppler read out of the storm over top of us on my laptop... and PRAYED. I kept the girls occupied with games on their Nintendo DS's, while I paced and prayed for our safety (and John's at work), and prayed that not only the tornado pass over us completely but that it dissipate into nothing but beautiful fluffy clouds so that no one be harmed.
All I can say is that those dreams made pray even harder, and if I am getting those dreams for a reason, then I'll take it. I'm going to say that it wasn't my neurotic behavior taking over, but feeling the gravity and seriousness of the situation combined with our dreams that made me face it with subdued terror and fervent prayer. ;)
I know a lot of people in my town were praying because the tornado did dissipate and the tornado warning was called off early just shortly after the tornado was supposed to hit our town... the greenish-gray clouds giving way to partly cloudy but sunny skies.
I've never seen the sky look so blue, and I had a new appreciation for the power of God and the power of prayer.
Oh, and I'm really glad the Headless Horseman never showed up. ;)
Friday, May 30, 2008
Every Silver Lining Has It's Cloud
I know yesterday I was pretty upbeat... but the realization that one day my child will have to have her chest cracked open is finally sinking in. Yesterday after sending the email out, then posting the email on my blog I came down of the good news high. We will see the pediatric cardiologist again in 2 years, and man... it's going to be a long 2.
Statistically, Emma will have to have surgery one day, and it doesn't matter how long from now, sooner or later she will have it... I feel like there is a heavy thing hanging over us, and knowing that this thing is there just waiting... I'm scared for my child.
Though I have resolved to make sure that we need to stop messing around with the health of our family (John with high triglycerides and high blood pressure, and Anna bordering on being considered obese earlier according to her BMI last summer - which we resolved with a lot of cutting back and watchfulness), but now seriously we are making or breaking Emma. What she learns now in eating habits and exercise is crucial. If we teach her healthy things hopefully it will follow her into her teens and adulthood, making recovery for her much easier.
What is troubling me is that her valve flaps are already showing signs of thickening, which isn't good. If they become very thick and stiff, they will not close properly. Which could mean that surgery could be sooner rather than later in our future.
If you could, please pray for me to see the silver lining, and enjoy her health right now. Not only enjoy it, but continue to nurture and support it so she can go as long as possible without having to have surgery. I'm trying to focus on that right now. Tears , and more tears, and lots of prayer.
I am having trouble with faith. I find it amazing that with Rachel, I had no doubts that she would be healed, and this makes me feel really bad as a mom. *tears again* Why is that? How could I possibly have more faith for a cousin than my own child, who I carried for nine months? Who is a part of my very flesh and heart? How could something so little have a broken heart, when she was so very vital in healing mine after losing a baby?
Sheesh, I think we know where Anna and Emma get their drama genes from *LOL*
Anyway, prayers for me too would be great because my faith is wavering, and I know it is because of fear.
~mert
Statistically, Emma will have to have surgery one day, and it doesn't matter how long from now, sooner or later she will have it... I feel like there is a heavy thing hanging over us, and knowing that this thing is there just waiting... I'm scared for my child.
Though I have resolved to make sure that we need to stop messing around with the health of our family (John with high triglycerides and high blood pressure, and Anna bordering on being considered obese earlier according to her BMI last summer - which we resolved with a lot of cutting back and watchfulness), but now seriously we are making or breaking Emma. What she learns now in eating habits and exercise is crucial. If we teach her healthy things hopefully it will follow her into her teens and adulthood, making recovery for her much easier.
What is troubling me is that her valve flaps are already showing signs of thickening, which isn't good. If they become very thick and stiff, they will not close properly. Which could mean that surgery could be sooner rather than later in our future.
If you could, please pray for me to see the silver lining, and enjoy her health right now. Not only enjoy it, but continue to nurture and support it so she can go as long as possible without having to have surgery. I'm trying to focus on that right now. Tears , and more tears, and lots of prayer.
I am having trouble with faith. I find it amazing that with Rachel, I had no doubts that she would be healed, and this makes me feel really bad as a mom. *tears again* Why is that? How could I possibly have more faith for a cousin than my own child, who I carried for nine months? Who is a part of my very flesh and heart? How could something so little have a broken heart, when she was so very vital in healing mine after losing a baby?
Sheesh, I think we know where Anna and Emma get their drama genes from *LOL*
Anyway, prayers for me too would be great because my faith is wavering, and I know it is because of fear.
1 John 4:17-19
In this is love perfected with us, that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love.
~mert
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Update on little Emma Rose
Well, we had a follow up appointment for Emma today, our little peanut. Just so you know how much of a peanut... she's3 feet tall and 27 pounds fully clothed. ;)
Anyway, our new pediatrician said that she did hear a slight systolic heart murmur, classified as a stage 1. She said if I hadn't mentioned that Emma was diagnosed with a heart murmur (at birth, which they recanted later at a peds appointment because they couldn't find it- then last year when she had pneumonia they heard it again, only to not be able to find it during a follow up after antibiotics), she might not have caught it.
So... Emma has an appointment to see a pediatric cardiologist out of town on May 28th. They will do an EKG there and will look at her chest xray from her ER visit... and based on those the doctor will decide whether or not she needs to have an echocardiogram.
The doc did say that overall, she isn't too worried about it, and that I shouldn't lose sleep over it and that it's good to just have it checked out and documented now because later in life other doctors will notice it and will want all of these tests done anyway (if we don't look into it).
I want it looked at anyway, whether or not it is considered minor. This is my baby we are talking about here... nothing is minor to me LOL!
I let the doc know about Emma having gray/ grayish-blue lips at times, and dusky nail beds... and that it usually resolves itself within a few minutes, and she listened intently. She asked if her fingers and toes were cold during these episodes and said it was common for children with heart murmurs to experience this. I was really glad that she took me seriously because when I mentioned this during her bout with pneumonia last year they blew me off because she was fine by the time we got her to the ER.
Emma did well, she followed directions during the exam and didn't shed a single tear. She did however scowl at the doctor while the doc listened several minutes to her heart, moving the stethoscope every 5 seconds or so. Emma was awarded with a sucker, which was blue of all things... but at least her lips are tinted blue for a good reason for once. ;)
I will let you guys know what the pediatric cardiologist says after the 28th, thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers. We really appreciate it!
Here are a few pics of miss thang after her appointment, sporting a pony tail, my sunglasses and blue (sucker tinted) lips. :D
PS- I forgot to add that as of 2 days ago, Emma has told us that she isn't afraid of bugs anymore. Her kitty cat- the one she has a death grip on in the photos above- IS afraid of bugs, but she isn't. ;)
Anyway, our new pediatrician said that she did hear a slight systolic heart murmur, classified as a stage 1. She said if I hadn't mentioned that Emma was diagnosed with a heart murmur (at birth, which they recanted later at a peds appointment because they couldn't find it- then last year when she had pneumonia they heard it again, only to not be able to find it during a follow up after antibiotics), she might not have caught it.
So... Emma has an appointment to see a pediatric cardiologist out of town on May 28th. They will do an EKG there and will look at her chest xray from her ER visit... and based on those the doctor will decide whether or not she needs to have an echocardiogram.
The doc did say that overall, she isn't too worried about it, and that I shouldn't lose sleep over it and that it's good to just have it checked out and documented now because later in life other doctors will notice it and will want all of these tests done anyway (if we don't look into it).
I want it looked at anyway, whether or not it is considered minor. This is my baby we are talking about here... nothing is minor to me LOL!
I let the doc know about Emma having gray/ grayish-blue lips at times, and dusky nail beds... and that it usually resolves itself within a few minutes, and she listened intently. She asked if her fingers and toes were cold during these episodes and said it was common for children with heart murmurs to experience this. I was really glad that she took me seriously because when I mentioned this during her bout with pneumonia last year they blew me off because she was fine by the time we got her to the ER.
Emma did well, she followed directions during the exam and didn't shed a single tear. She did however scowl at the doctor while the doc listened several minutes to her heart, moving the stethoscope every 5 seconds or so. Emma was awarded with a sucker, which was blue of all things... but at least her lips are tinted blue for a good reason for once. ;)
I will let you guys know what the pediatric cardiologist says after the 28th, thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers. We really appreciate it!
Here are a few pics of miss thang after her appointment, sporting a pony tail, my sunglasses and blue (sucker tinted) lips. :D
PS- I forgot to add that as of 2 days ago, Emma has told us that she isn't afraid of bugs anymore. Her kitty cat- the one she has a death grip on in the photos above- IS afraid of bugs, but she isn't. ;)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I Believe...**** PRAYER REQUEST FOR MY COUSIN***
Today my brother Ben emailed me about my cousin Rachel, who is in her mid twenties and has a son almost Anna's age. She recently found a lump under her arm and had it looked at , they took some fluid from it and the test results came back cancerous. From what I understand- from what Ben told me- she was sent to an oncologist and they are waiting for biopsy results. They are planning surgery, and it will be happening soon.
I also believe that God is and awesome God, and that he has the power to heal completely. I believe that He cares for us and loves us deeply, even when we have separated ourselves from Him.
So today, I am asking all of you Christians, Jews and Catholics, please, to pray for my cousin. Please pray that God make her whole, that she comes through this untouched, that the cancer disappears by His hand, because He is and AWESOME God. I have faith that He can completely heal Rachel, and I am asking for you to please take a stand with me. Please pray for Rachel, her husband Matt, and her parents, John and Yvonne. Please pray for her sisters Sarah and Jennifer. I am praying for the most skilled physicians and nurses to be working with her, and for Rachel to feel love and peace, and unwavering trust and faith in her Heavenly Father.
John and Yvonne are flying out to be with Rachel this next week, I believe. My aunt Yvonne (seen sometimes in comments as Anti Yvonne) will be staying with Rachel if she needs surgery.
I hoping that at least once something good comes out of this blog. Thanks for reading this, and on my cousin's family's behalf I thank you for your generosity, your prayers and your faith.
I also believe that God is and awesome God, and that he has the power to heal completely. I believe that He cares for us and loves us deeply, even when we have separated ourselves from Him.
So today, I am asking all of you Christians, Jews and Catholics, please, to pray for my cousin. Please pray that God make her whole, that she comes through this untouched, that the cancer disappears by His hand, because He is and AWESOME God. I have faith that He can completely heal Rachel, and I am asking for you to please take a stand with me. Please pray for Rachel, her husband Matt, and her parents, John and Yvonne. Please pray for her sisters Sarah and Jennifer. I am praying for the most skilled physicians and nurses to be working with her, and for Rachel to feel love and peace, and unwavering trust and faith in her Heavenly Father.
John and Yvonne are flying out to be with Rachel this next week, I believe. My aunt Yvonne (seen sometimes in comments as Anti Yvonne) will be staying with Rachel if she needs surgery.
I hoping that at least once something good comes out of this blog. Thanks for reading this, and on my cousin's family's behalf I thank you for your generosity, your prayers and your faith.
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