I decided to wash the dishes and I looked out my kitchen window to see helicopter seeds floating down from the gray sky. Despite the dreariness of the day that brought me momentary joy and smile to my tired face.
My eyes moved to the old tree in our backyard and my moment of joy settled like those seeds drifting across my yard. Dry and blackened in spots, a husk of tree hulks over my house and I am scared that we are one storm away from the upper level being destroyed, our children hurt. Some thirty feet it stands leafless and nearly lifeless, it's bark having fallen off in places. I am truly saddened to see what has become of our beloved shade tree.
I wistfully think about my kids as little ones, this house being the only home they have ever known... tripping over the damned roots of that tree. Despite the bumps and bruises and the momentary tears we have all enjoyed the shade, the sweet rustling of it's tender leaves on warming spring days, and eventually the solace it gave us from the exhausting heat of humid Iowa summers. It was almost as if it knew it had to hang on to get my girls through the early years, providing a haven from light rain and brief rain showers, it's branches hanging over part of their swing set and the rain bouncing from one leaf to another but never really hitting them.
Our tree will be cut down within the next week, and Jacob will never know all of those little things my daughters experienced as little ones. All those things we tend to take for granted that, the seemingly minute details that will one day make their childhood stories somehow more real and tangible. Fond memories from tiny scars...Sweetness for the most bitter of days.
We have known for several years our tree would be cut down and I have wondered how we will ever do without it's shade. Sections of the tree died over the years and we ignored how ugly those branches were, we chose to enjoy what it had left to give us.
I think about how I will miss those approving whispers that graced my ears as I closed my eyes for a moment, my nose raised to catch the green scents that swirled around me. I will miss almost hearing "This... this... this...", the wind tangling and untangling the leaves to cry out in unison as if warning me that I should appreciate this moment. Here, Now; whispers that were muffled by screeches and giggly laughter, the creaking of the swing set and endless requests for food and drink.
But cutting away this dead tree will allow your windows to let in much more light, cheering you despite the summer heat - I think, the repetition of washing dishes almost soothing me. It's wood will warm you in the winter, crackling in the glow of your fireplace... anointing your aching bones. Pretty things will now grow in the places where shadows once were. All things fade, allowing for new life in it's place.
There is so much to be taken from this moment. It speaks to spirituality, to providing a safe haven for my children, life and death and the seeming finality. It spoke to me deeply about my body feeling as if it were failing me, about being so strong yet so fragile.
I'm choosing to ignore the gnarled-ness that my joints feel, the blackened spots on my heart and soul. I still have plenty of shade to give, solace to offer. I'm going to continue to produce gentle whispers of approval, soft reminders to my children to appreciate This. Here. Now... Only I will tuck my roots in as much as possible, I will not trip them up or alter their course from shade to light.
This...
Here...
Now...
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Thursday, November 13, 2008
That's like bringing a knife to a gun fight
Why is it that family is like the sharpest knife, cutting the deepest wounds?
Tommorrow I am supposed to go to the MIL's Lia Sophia party.... BUT, last night we saw her at Target walking around with her boyfriends granddaughter, bent over talking all cozy with her. We managed to get in and get out with what we needed without even bumping into her. The kids were crushed to see their Nana- who doesn't make time to see them except a few MINUTES every 2 weeks or so- covorting with another little girl. Emma said, "Momma, it makes me sad seeing Nana with that girl... it's awful." John and I were so upset that our kids felt so hurt.
I wonder though, had I not made such a big deal out of it, what would the girls have said about it? I was just so mad and hurt on their behalf, I wanted to lay in to her right there in Target! Anna was supposed to walk with John to the electronic department but once I saw her walking with Steve's granddaughter I said nope, stay with me. Later I explained that I didn't want her to have to face her grandma with those raw emotions... Anna doesn't deserve to see her with another kid and have to try to swallow the uncomfortable-ness and tension, the hurt and anger.
We have told the MIL that we don't want the girls going out with her and Steve alone without us, or being over at her apartment with the possibility of them being alone with him. I don't know him and I refuse to risk anything, I could never live with myself. The problem is that when they were dating again (before he moved in with the MIL) almost a year ago, Anna spent the night. The MIL never told us that he might be coming over, even though she knows how I am about my girls being around strange men. After Anna came home from the sleep over I found out that the MIL had left Anna alone with her BF while she took a shower, etc. SO, I broached the subject with the MIL by saying that Anna should never be left alone with him, just to see what she would say. She said,"No, of course not."
She basically lied to me by not telling me that it had already happened, so right then and there I decided to put a stop to sleep overs since she has proven time and time again that she makes bad choices, especially when it comes to my kids. I also explained that the kids would not be over at her apartment- especially after he moved in- unless we were there.
More recently, about 2 1/2 months ago, she asked if she could take the girls shopping and reluctantly we said yes. She shows up to pick them up with her BF. I was at work so I had no idea, but John let them go, which I was kind of pissed about. She ambushed us with this, purposely because if she shows up with him, what are we supposed to say right?
She does this kind of thing all the time. I or John will lay down the law and later she claims she doesn't remember having that conversation. It makes me so mad! It reminds me of my mother... "I'm certified nuts so I can act like an idiot and not even try because I can get away with doing these things (and stop taking my medication) and not have to be accountable." ONLY her (the MIL) thing is, "You never said that, we never talked about this-OR- I don't remember you saying that." GRRR.
Anyway, Anna was supposed to go with me to the party, but now neither of us want to go and it's tomorrow. John said he's going to talk to her about it and let her know how hurt the girls were, but in the mean time I have to figure out what to say our reason is for not coming without lying about it, so as to not make a bad example for my kids.
I just can't tell you how hard it is to hear your 3 1/2 yr old say how "awful" it feels to be crushed by your own grandma. And how hard it is to hear your 7 yr old talk about how hurt and angry she is. I just want to "blow her away" verbally and be done with her sometimes. I want to knock that "knife" out of her hands forever, but John doesn't think that that is the right answer. I know it has mostly to do with the kids not having any grandparents, and Emma missing out (but isn't she already missing out?), and how uncomfortable things will be at family gatherings (like the last time we didn't talk to the MIL for 4-5 months after she threw a bucket of water in Anna's face)... I just don't know how to fix this.
How do you fix something with a person who believes she is always right , and never does anything wrong? This is exactly the dilemma I had with the egg donor, and exactly why I estranged myself from her. The MIL is so like my mother (the egg donor) sometimes, and it makes me angry that after divorcing myself from the E.D. that I still have to put up with pretty much the same.... STUFF.
Now I have to deal with not making a bad example for my kids by lying to get out of an uncomfortable situation.
And I am struggling with forgiveness as a Christian... But that's another load of dirty laundry.
Tommorrow I am supposed to go to the MIL's Lia Sophia party.... BUT, last night we saw her at Target walking around with her boyfriends granddaughter, bent over talking all cozy with her. We managed to get in and get out with what we needed without even bumping into her. The kids were crushed to see their Nana- who doesn't make time to see them except a few MINUTES every 2 weeks or so- covorting with another little girl. Emma said, "Momma, it makes me sad seeing Nana with that girl... it's awful." John and I were so upset that our kids felt so hurt.
I wonder though, had I not made such a big deal out of it, what would the girls have said about it? I was just so mad and hurt on their behalf, I wanted to lay in to her right there in Target! Anna was supposed to walk with John to the electronic department but once I saw her walking with Steve's granddaughter I said nope, stay with me. Later I explained that I didn't want her to have to face her grandma with those raw emotions... Anna doesn't deserve to see her with another kid and have to try to swallow the uncomfortable-ness and tension, the hurt and anger.
We have told the MIL that we don't want the girls going out with her and Steve alone without us, or being over at her apartment with the possibility of them being alone with him. I don't know him and I refuse to risk anything, I could never live with myself. The problem is that when they were dating again (before he moved in with the MIL) almost a year ago, Anna spent the night. The MIL never told us that he might be coming over, even though she knows how I am about my girls being around strange men. After Anna came home from the sleep over I found out that the MIL had left Anna alone with her BF while she took a shower, etc. SO, I broached the subject with the MIL by saying that Anna should never be left alone with him, just to see what she would say. She said,"No, of course not."
She basically lied to me by not telling me that it had already happened, so right then and there I decided to put a stop to sleep overs since she has proven time and time again that she makes bad choices, especially when it comes to my kids. I also explained that the kids would not be over at her apartment- especially after he moved in- unless we were there.
More recently, about 2 1/2 months ago, she asked if she could take the girls shopping and reluctantly we said yes. She shows up to pick them up with her BF. I was at work so I had no idea, but John let them go, which I was kind of pissed about. She ambushed us with this, purposely because if she shows up with him, what are we supposed to say right?
She does this kind of thing all the time. I or John will lay down the law and later she claims she doesn't remember having that conversation. It makes me so mad! It reminds me of my mother... "I'm certified nuts so I can act like an idiot and not even try because I can get away with doing these things (and stop taking my medication) and not have to be accountable." ONLY her (the MIL) thing is, "You never said that, we never talked about this-OR- I don't remember you saying that." GRRR.
Anyway, Anna was supposed to go with me to the party, but now neither of us want to go and it's tomorrow. John said he's going to talk to her about it and let her know how hurt the girls were, but in the mean time I have to figure out what to say our reason is for not coming without lying about it, so as to not make a bad example for my kids.
I just can't tell you how hard it is to hear your 3 1/2 yr old say how "awful" it feels to be crushed by your own grandma. And how hard it is to hear your 7 yr old talk about how hurt and angry she is. I just want to "blow her away" verbally and be done with her sometimes. I want to knock that "knife" out of her hands forever, but John doesn't think that that is the right answer. I know it has mostly to do with the kids not having any grandparents, and Emma missing out (but isn't she already missing out?), and how uncomfortable things will be at family gatherings (like the last time we didn't talk to the MIL for 4-5 months after she threw a bucket of water in Anna's face)... I just don't know how to fix this.
How do you fix something with a person who believes she is always right , and never does anything wrong? This is exactly the dilemma I had with the egg donor, and exactly why I estranged myself from her. The MIL is so like my mother (the egg donor) sometimes, and it makes me angry that after divorcing myself from the E.D. that I still have to put up with pretty much the same.... STUFF.
Now I have to deal with not making a bad example for my kids by lying to get out of an uncomfortable situation.
And I am struggling with forgiveness as a Christian... But that's another load of dirty laundry.
Monday, June 30, 2008
And now... your moment of Zen.
A few days ago Emma was giving me lip after I told her to do something (I really can't remember what it was), and asked why she needed to do whatever I asked her to at that time.
Me: Why? 'Cuz I'm the boss, that's why.
Anna, with her arms crossed and a smug look on her face: You know... you can be the boss without being bossy.
Me, walking away so she can't see me trying not to laugh, all the while enjoying that fact that she stuck up for lil' sis: Wow, that was deep. How very philosophical of you, thanks for sharing.
Me: Why? 'Cuz I'm the boss, that's why.
Anna, with her arms crossed and a smug look on her face: You know... you can be the boss without being bossy.
Me, walking away so she can't see me trying not to laugh, all the while enjoying that fact that she stuck up for lil' sis: Wow, that was deep. How very philosophical of you, thanks for sharing.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Update on little Emma Rose
Well, we had a follow up appointment for Emma today, our little peanut. Just so you know how much of a peanut... she's3 feet tall and 27 pounds fully clothed. ;)
Anyway, our new pediatrician said that she did hear a slight systolic heart murmur, classified as a stage 1. She said if I hadn't mentioned that Emma was diagnosed with a heart murmur (at birth, which they recanted later at a peds appointment because they couldn't find it- then last year when she had pneumonia they heard it again, only to not be able to find it during a follow up after antibiotics), she might not have caught it.
So... Emma has an appointment to see a pediatric cardiologist out of town on May 28th. They will do an EKG there and will look at her chest xray from her ER visit... and based on those the doctor will decide whether or not she needs to have an echocardiogram.
The doc did say that overall, she isn't too worried about it, and that I shouldn't lose sleep over it and that it's good to just have it checked out and documented now because later in life other doctors will notice it and will want all of these tests done anyway (if we don't look into it).
I want it looked at anyway, whether or not it is considered minor. This is my baby we are talking about here... nothing is minor to me LOL!
I let the doc know about Emma having gray/ grayish-blue lips at times, and dusky nail beds... and that it usually resolves itself within a few minutes, and she listened intently. She asked if her fingers and toes were cold during these episodes and said it was common for children with heart murmurs to experience this. I was really glad that she took me seriously because when I mentioned this during her bout with pneumonia last year they blew me off because she was fine by the time we got her to the ER.
Emma did well, she followed directions during the exam and didn't shed a single tear. She did however scowl at the doctor while the doc listened several minutes to her heart, moving the stethoscope every 5 seconds or so. Emma was awarded with a sucker, which was blue of all things... but at least her lips are tinted blue for a good reason for once. ;)
I will let you guys know what the pediatric cardiologist says after the 28th, thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers. We really appreciate it!
Here are a few pics of miss thang after her appointment, sporting a pony tail, my sunglasses and blue (sucker tinted) lips. :D
PS- I forgot to add that as of 2 days ago, Emma has told us that she isn't afraid of bugs anymore. Her kitty cat- the one she has a death grip on in the photos above- IS afraid of bugs, but she isn't. ;)
Anyway, our new pediatrician said that she did hear a slight systolic heart murmur, classified as a stage 1. She said if I hadn't mentioned that Emma was diagnosed with a heart murmur (at birth, which they recanted later at a peds appointment because they couldn't find it- then last year when she had pneumonia they heard it again, only to not be able to find it during a follow up after antibiotics), she might not have caught it.
So... Emma has an appointment to see a pediatric cardiologist out of town on May 28th. They will do an EKG there and will look at her chest xray from her ER visit... and based on those the doctor will decide whether or not she needs to have an echocardiogram.
The doc did say that overall, she isn't too worried about it, and that I shouldn't lose sleep over it and that it's good to just have it checked out and documented now because later in life other doctors will notice it and will want all of these tests done anyway (if we don't look into it).
I want it looked at anyway, whether or not it is considered minor. This is my baby we are talking about here... nothing is minor to me LOL!
I let the doc know about Emma having gray/ grayish-blue lips at times, and dusky nail beds... and that it usually resolves itself within a few minutes, and she listened intently. She asked if her fingers and toes were cold during these episodes and said it was common for children with heart murmurs to experience this. I was really glad that she took me seriously because when I mentioned this during her bout with pneumonia last year they blew me off because she was fine by the time we got her to the ER.
Emma did well, she followed directions during the exam and didn't shed a single tear. She did however scowl at the doctor while the doc listened several minutes to her heart, moving the stethoscope every 5 seconds or so. Emma was awarded with a sucker, which was blue of all things... but at least her lips are tinted blue for a good reason for once. ;)
I will let you guys know what the pediatric cardiologist says after the 28th, thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers. We really appreciate it!
Here are a few pics of miss thang after her appointment, sporting a pony tail, my sunglasses and blue (sucker tinted) lips. :D
PS- I forgot to add that as of 2 days ago, Emma has told us that she isn't afraid of bugs anymore. Her kitty cat- the one she has a death grip on in the photos above- IS afraid of bugs, but she isn't. ;)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
***More news on my cousin***
Hey y'all... I JUST got this email from my aunt a few minutes ago... I can't say it any better than she did so here is her email:
Hi everyone,
Again, I cannot express... there are no words to adequately express how thankful I am for each and every one of you who took the time to pray for Rachel and her family.
When I wrote the first post about Rachel, I included some back ground on why I hadn't mentioned God in a while on my blog- but how I was resolved to resolve my issues with God because despite my past (and my feelings that He abandoned my brothers and I when we were children, my doubts and fears) because there was a larger, more important issue at hand. I realized My cousin was ill and she needed prayer, and that over shadowed any of my insecurities and doubt. And so, not wanting to make the post "about me", I edited my post feeling that in reality no explanation was needed. I didn't really need to give a reason why I had turned away from God because it wasn't important.
I felt that I didn't need to justify or explain away why suddenly I had become religious because those that felt compelled to pray would pray, and those that were offended would simply not read my blog anymore. Again, so unimportant in the grand scheme of things, especially when a loved one's life hangs in the balance.
I guess my point is this: Recently I told John that I had trouble trusting a God that would let us suffer at the hands of a person that pretended to be His faithful servant. A person who was in the choir and head of a prayer chain, someone who was relied on in the church. What had triggered all of this was visiting my brother 2 years ago and having him tell me things she did to him, horrible things. All of those years believing that he had had it better than me, when what she did to him ended up being so much worse.
But at the moment I found out about my cousin I decided that I was going to pray for complete healing. I wasn't messing around, I was going for the whole enchilada.
God does answer prayers. Sometimes not in the way that we wish, or in the time frame we desire, but He hears us and answers.
And sometimes, in His mysterious way... He preforms a miracle.
For my cousin, He healed her body.
For me? He healed my heart and restored my faith.
Today is good day. :)
Hi everyone,
I was so floored when I read this email, I let out a scream! Tears immediately ensued, of course. ;)Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who prayed for my daughter and my family. She has had a hard 3 months of testing and waiting for results.The long and short of it is that the doctor who took the tissue sample and said it was cancer a few weeks ago, said on Monday after looking at the X-rays and second set of blood test results she could no longer find the tumor. The doctor had Rachel go right then for an MRI.When the doctor read the MRI she told Rachel that she must have a very powerful God because the cancer is no longer there. I believe it is a miracle, she has had a network of people praying for her from the start.Her doctor did say that she has infection where the tumor was and that her spleen is very enlarged. So she is on a heavy dose of antibiotics for 7 days, she has to rest and the doctor want's to see her every 2 weeks for the next 3 months to make sure she is still cancer free.So from the bottom of my heart thank you for your prayers and yes we do have an Awesome God and a wonderful Savior who does answer the prayers of His children.Yvonne
Again, I cannot express... there are no words to adequately express how thankful I am for each and every one of you who took the time to pray for Rachel and her family.
When I wrote the first post about Rachel, I included some back ground on why I hadn't mentioned God in a while on my blog- but how I was resolved to resolve my issues with God because despite my past (and my feelings that He abandoned my brothers and I when we were children, my doubts and fears) because there was a larger, more important issue at hand. I realized My cousin was ill and she needed prayer, and that over shadowed any of my insecurities and doubt. And so, not wanting to make the post "about me", I edited my post feeling that in reality no explanation was needed. I didn't really need to give a reason why I had turned away from God because it wasn't important.
I felt that I didn't need to justify or explain away why suddenly I had become religious because those that felt compelled to pray would pray, and those that were offended would simply not read my blog anymore. Again, so unimportant in the grand scheme of things, especially when a loved one's life hangs in the balance.
I guess my point is this: Recently I told John that I had trouble trusting a God that would let us suffer at the hands of a person that pretended to be His faithful servant. A person who was in the choir and head of a prayer chain, someone who was relied on in the church. What had triggered all of this was visiting my brother 2 years ago and having him tell me things she did to him, horrible things. All of those years believing that he had had it better than me, when what she did to him ended up being so much worse.
But at the moment I found out about my cousin I decided that I was going to pray for complete healing. I wasn't messing around, I was going for the whole enchilada.
God does answer prayers. Sometimes not in the way that we wish, or in the time frame we desire, but He hears us and answers.
And sometimes, in His mysterious way... He preforms a miracle.
For my cousin, He healed her body.
For me? He healed my heart and restored my faith.
Today is good day. :)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I can't stress enough...
***Warning, long with lots of angry complaining... please read the whole thing if you plan on commenting so you know EXACTLY where I am coming from. It's not too late to turn back.... OK, you asked for it!***
We are so back in the land of DRAMA with the MIL. Oh. The. Joys.
So. About a year and a half ago, the MIL starts dating this guy- who, can I just tell you- was just separated from his wife. He was a classmate of the MIL's in high school. He was a bit pushy and mentioned that maybe he could live with the MIL and she told him NO WAY. Good for her.
They continued to see each other for a while and even though she told everyone else on the planet that he was her boyfriend, when I said anything of the sort she snarled at me and said they were just friends. Literally bared her teeth at me, I kid you not.
What- EVER!
A little while after that, when things got a little to heavy for her, she told him she just wanted to be friends and hang out, have fun, nothing too serious. He persisted, she politely declined. He then told her that he got fired from Walmart for "patting a young woman on her butt". WOW. After 3 divorces, still such a good judge of character. That's a heck of a way to (not) break up with some one.
Anywho, that was end of that, she wanted nothing to do with him. A bit after that, we had our falling out with her this summer after she threw a sand pail of water in my 6 year old daughters face, and we didn't talk to her for almost 3 months I think.
I'm not sure when she started dating the very same YAHOO again, but it was around the time that we started to tolerate her presence in public again, and around the time that she decided to ambush me at a family member's birthday party... thinking in her twisted brain that her manipulating the situation and insisting to my face that I have slapped her in the past- ALL WHILE GRIPPING ME BY THE ARM and refusing to let me go until I heard her out- that this would suffice as "the talk " that we told her we needed to have before she could spend time with our kids. Grrrr.
Anyway, I believe that this yahoo that she had sworn she would never see again had possibly filled some void for her while she was refused access to her grand kids. Because of her crazy, unpredictable behavior.
Good for her.
Recently, (about 2-3 weeks ago) Anna was allowed to spend the night at her house. We had forgotten that the yahoo was back in the picture. The next day, the MIL calls and says, "We're going out to dinner to Wendy's, the yahoo and his grandson are coming too. Bah blah blah... Oh. I hope that's OK."
We were not OK with it because the yahoo already has a questionable character, but since they were going to be in public, we said fine. After Anna came home from the MIL's, Anna tells us that yahoo came over to the MIL's apartment. John and I looked at each other and I asked Anna if she had been left alone with yahoo at any time. Yes, she had, while the MIL went to the restroom and went to the kitchen.
Did I happen to mention that I had not even met this yahoo yet, and John had only been introduced in passing? And that the MIL KNOWS about how I was sexually abused by my father, and how I am very protective of my children, and she knows that I have a general mistrust of people when it comes to my girls? I told John early on while we dated that if my father has no problem doing that to me, I know strangers care even less what they do to children, and that was why I planned to be very protective if I ever had kids.
She knows ALL of this.
She knew she was in the wrong, that is why she did what she always does and asked after telling us what she was going to do (or in some cases, already did), by asking if " it's ok". John called her and let her know that this was unacceptable. He told her, "If he is over and Anna is there, and you have to leave the room, Anna is not to be left alone with him, or any stranger."
What does she say? She basically lies by implying that she already thought of that and was compliant by saying, "Oh, of course."
What she doesn't know is that we already knew at that point that she HAD left Anna alone with him.
She then asks, "Well, I'm not saying that this is going to happen but if I get married again, will I ever get to see my grand kids?"
Guilt trip, anyone? OK... so now I'm kind of getting to my point here. First of all, WTH? Married again? Where the heck....
John says, "Yes, but we don't want Anna left in a room with anyone who is a stranger. I'd have to get to know him better before that ever happens."
Two days ago I was talking to John's aunt, who is the MIL's sister. "Did you hear that she said to me that she mentioned to him (yahoo) that they should move in together to make things easier on each other?"
WHAT? Where is this coming from? She has been on meds for months now to "even her out". Honestly, she acts very much like my mother 85% of the time, and could very well be bipolar. Lately, she is short on money, so she cannot afford to compulsively shop like she normally does. She brags to us that she paid off some credit cards, and the next thing we know, she is buying more crap she doesn't need and her cards are maxed out again. Anyway, what she can't afford her usual compulsions so she decides she now NEEDS a man?
Now, here is the kicker... Last night I called her and let her know that I had some cooked chicken breasts that were going to go to waste (since we are eating out tonight and then this weekend I am going to cook the turkey John got from his job at Christmas... cuz we are po' ), and asked if she wanted them. Sure she said, she would swing by and pick them up, and Steve was coming.
I asked, "Right now? My house is a mess." She blew me off by asking me if I was using the turkey... You know the one I had just mentioned, because she listens so well? Because, since John had mentioned that he wanted to get to know yahoo better, she was thinking of having him, his daughter and his grand kids, plus us over for dinner and had thought about using our turkey.
I stood there with my mouth open. John has forgotten to tell me things in the past, but I was pretty sure, positive actually that since I know my husband pretty darned well , and given the fact that we have been dissatisfied with the whole yahoo thing....... That my sweet and loving husband HAD NOT SAID ANYTHING OF THE SORT, and that once again we were being pressured into something we didn't want to do by her twisting our words, or because she is out of her gourd.
So, last night, after putting the kids to bed, and after the MISU got home from being out with some friends, I ask him. Heck no, he never said that he actually wanted to get to know him better, he said"I'd have to get to know him better before that ever happens".
DOH! Then, the icing on the cake? When the yahoos arrived so that the MIL could pick up the chicken, I said, "I would say excuse the mess, but it always looks like this."
He looked me straight in the eye and said in deliberate tones, "I have grand kids that come over to my apartment. They have their own area for toys, but," he leans forward, turning red, sputtering and shaking a bit," I tell them one time. And if they don't pick them up..." He crosses hims arms emphatically, giving me a stern look. A look my MIL didn't see because she was standing in front of the yahoo the whole time they were in my entry way, and never once turned to look at him.
I stood there with my mouth ajar.
Later, after I put the kids to bed I thought to myself- what was that supposed to mean? Was he inferring that I was a bad mother for not making my kids too afraid to leave their toys out? OR, given the fact that all of a sudden, in a span of a week I hear that she mentioned to him about moving in together and MARRIAGE, is he inferring something about how things will go with my kids?
I don't fricking think so. I have been doing so well with not cursing lately... but let me tell you, based on my reaction last night after that little tidbit had time to sink in? I can't even think about cursing for the next 3 weeks. I'm "caught up".
That JACKASS has another thing coming if he and his 2 brain cells think that he will EVER talk to my kids like that. There are no (polite) words to describe how I will handle that situation. Lets just say that I am SURE, with every fiber of my being, that I will be "caught up" for roughly a year.
Let me just say that I believe that the MIL deserves as much happiness as anyone else, but given the fact that she has had a history of picking real losers as husbands.... I see divorce #4 in the horizon?!?
John's dad turned out to be an alcoholic who later before he died, his long time skank of a GF pretty much told us that they were dating before John's parents split up. Hedidn't pay child support at all, and rarely saw his kids.
Her next husband was the one that tried to get John and his brother and sister to hand sickle over an acre of property. John refused to do it and left, ran away right in front of her, and she didn't even try to stop John- who was 15- from leaving. before she married this jerk she asked them what they thought of him, and they all said they didn't like him. She married him anyway. After they got married and 3 days after they moved into a new house ( an old farm house), the house burned to the ground and they lost everything. John believes that he (the jerk) deliberately set the fire for the money. John never moved back home with his mother, and lived with his grandmother. Nice. This is the foundation for their tense relationship.
Idiot #3: 10-12 years younger than her, turned out to be a coke head. Their apartment was broken into without forced entry 3 times and valuables and money that only they knew about was gone. Overtime he supposedly did was unaccounted for on his pay stubs. We all ( including her kids) tried to convince her that since they were ALL unforced entries, and that money that they only knew about was missing from their apartment, that it had to be him... she told us all to but out, including the 2 kids she still had living with her.While John and I were in the Persian Gulf in '90, and the MIL took over our finances while we were gone... 500.00 went missing from my checking account, and she said she knew nothing about it. later, his girl friend showed up and said she was pregnant, that he had indeed been the one breaking into their apartment and stealing valuables and money, and that he had spent it all on coke for the two of them (him and the girl friend). After all of that, she still considered taking him back.
Now, here is the most troubling part: 9 months ago, I had mentioned something about the asshat that hurt me as a kid, and that I would kill if anything like that happened to my girls. She then tells me that her daughter had told her that JERK #3 had sexually assualted her (my MIL didn't go in to specifics, but said that my SIL had said that he "Had tried stuff with her"), but that the MIL refused to believe her own daughter. As if this could possible exonerate her, the MIL said, "I believe her now."
Sooooo, now you know why this is such a big deal to us. When it comes to men, the MIL always seems to put them and her own needs above her children. John and I vow that she isn't going to get the chance to screw our kids up too. They are already destined to be a little messed up, having a neurotic mother.
John said he will talk to her today, since Anna was supposed to sleep over Friday, and tell her that if yahoo is going to be there then Anna isn't coming.
I am worried that given all of the bad choices that she has made in the past with my kids (and her own) that Anna shouldn't be over there at all. I have a sinking suspicion that possibly the MIL will try to make Anna keep secrets about stuff that isn't supposed to happen... just to not hurt the yahoo's feelings. Shoot, I was thinking last night that she may have already told Anna to keep secrets about certain things, because she also has a history of us catching her in lies and trying to cover her ass, after doing something that put our kids in jeopardy.
*When you lay it all out like this, it sounds completely insane to think that we have entrusted our most precious possessions to this woman, ONCE AGAIN. It's insane to think that after 61 years that she can change. I guess despite the fact that John and I are typically hard asses when it comes to protecting our kids, we have just been asses and complete dumb asses to think that she will ever change and that our kids will really truly be safe. She does change how she operates a bit... but I think it's mostly to lull us into a false sense of security, basically so she can get what she wants.
What the hell is wrong with us? I really think it has to do with her being the only grand parent left, since I will have nothing to do with my own mother. Also, like I said before, we just want to hope that people (she) will change, and that our kids can enjoy a NORMAL relationship with their last remaining grand parent. Sadly, it doesn't look like it's going to happen.
I just told John *this a few minutes ago when he dropped Anna off after school. He agrees with me that she really can't watch our kids.
I realize how incredibly stupid I sound right now. Not to worry, bloggin always helps me see things more clearly. I have a feeling someone is still going to call me an idiot, despite explaining myself.
I've been called worse... I can take it.
We are so back in the land of DRAMA with the MIL. Oh. The. Joys.
So. About a year and a half ago, the MIL starts dating this guy- who, can I just tell you- was just separated from his wife. He was a classmate of the MIL's in high school. He was a bit pushy and mentioned that maybe he could live with the MIL and she told him NO WAY. Good for her.
They continued to see each other for a while and even though she told everyone else on the planet that he was her boyfriend, when I said anything of the sort she snarled at me and said they were just friends. Literally bared her teeth at me, I kid you not.
What- EVER!
A little while after that, when things got a little to heavy for her, she told him she just wanted to be friends and hang out, have fun, nothing too serious. He persisted, she politely declined. He then told her that he got fired from Walmart for "patting a young woman on her butt". WOW. After 3 divorces, still such a good judge of character. That's a heck of a way to (not) break up with some one.
Anywho, that was end of that, she wanted nothing to do with him. A bit after that, we had our falling out with her this summer after she threw a sand pail of water in my 6 year old daughters face, and we didn't talk to her for almost 3 months I think.
I'm not sure when she started dating the very same YAHOO again, but it was around the time that we started to tolerate her presence in public again, and around the time that she decided to ambush me at a family member's birthday party... thinking in her twisted brain that her manipulating the situation and insisting to my face that I have slapped her in the past- ALL WHILE GRIPPING ME BY THE ARM and refusing to let me go until I heard her out- that this would suffice as "the talk " that we told her we needed to have before she could spend time with our kids. Grrrr.
Anyway, I believe that this yahoo that she had sworn she would never see again had possibly filled some void for her while she was refused access to her grand kids. Because of her crazy, unpredictable behavior.
Good for her.
Recently, (about 2-3 weeks ago) Anna was allowed to spend the night at her house. We had forgotten that the yahoo was back in the picture. The next day, the MIL calls and says, "We're going out to dinner to Wendy's, the yahoo and his grandson are coming too. Bah blah blah... Oh. I hope that's OK."
We were not OK with it because the yahoo already has a questionable character, but since they were going to be in public, we said fine. After Anna came home from the MIL's, Anna tells us that yahoo came over to the MIL's apartment. John and I looked at each other and I asked Anna if she had been left alone with yahoo at any time. Yes, she had, while the MIL went to the restroom and went to the kitchen.
Did I happen to mention that I had not even met this yahoo yet, and John had only been introduced in passing? And that the MIL KNOWS about how I was sexually abused by my father, and how I am very protective of my children, and she knows that I have a general mistrust of people when it comes to my girls? I told John early on while we dated that if my father has no problem doing that to me, I know strangers care even less what they do to children, and that was why I planned to be very protective if I ever had kids.
She knows ALL of this.
She knew she was in the wrong, that is why she did what she always does and asked after telling us what she was going to do (or in some cases, already did), by asking if " it's ok". John called her and let her know that this was unacceptable. He told her, "If he is over and Anna is there, and you have to leave the room, Anna is not to be left alone with him, or any stranger."
What does she say? She basically lies by implying that she already thought of that and was compliant by saying, "Oh, of course."
What she doesn't know is that we already knew at that point that she HAD left Anna alone with him.
She then asks, "Well, I'm not saying that this is going to happen but if I get married again, will I ever get to see my grand kids?"
Guilt trip, anyone? OK... so now I'm kind of getting to my point here. First of all, WTH? Married again? Where the heck....
John says, "Yes, but we don't want Anna left in a room with anyone who is a stranger. I'd have to get to know him better before that ever happens."
Two days ago I was talking to John's aunt, who is the MIL's sister. "Did you hear that she said to me that she mentioned to him (yahoo) that they should move in together to make things easier on each other?"
WHAT? Where is this coming from? She has been on meds for months now to "even her out". Honestly, she acts very much like my mother 85% of the time, and could very well be bipolar. Lately, she is short on money, so she cannot afford to compulsively shop like she normally does. She brags to us that she paid off some credit cards, and the next thing we know, she is buying more crap she doesn't need and her cards are maxed out again. Anyway, what she can't afford her usual compulsions so she decides she now NEEDS a man?
Now, here is the kicker... Last night I called her and let her know that I had some cooked chicken breasts that were going to go to waste (since we are eating out tonight and then this weekend I am going to cook the turkey John got from his job at Christmas... cuz we are po' ), and asked if she wanted them. Sure she said, she would swing by and pick them up, and Steve was coming.
I asked, "Right now? My house is a mess." She blew me off by asking me if I was using the turkey... You know the one I had just mentioned, because she listens so well? Because, since John had mentioned that he wanted to get to know yahoo better, she was thinking of having him, his daughter and his grand kids, plus us over for dinner and had thought about using our turkey.
I stood there with my mouth open. John has forgotten to tell me things in the past, but I was pretty sure, positive actually that since I know my husband pretty darned well , and given the fact that we have been dissatisfied with the whole yahoo thing....... That my sweet and loving husband HAD NOT SAID ANYTHING OF THE SORT, and that once again we were being pressured into something we didn't want to do by her twisting our words, or because she is out of her gourd.
So, last night, after putting the kids to bed, and after the MISU got home from being out with some friends, I ask him. Heck no, he never said that he actually wanted to get to know him better, he said"I'd have to get to know him better before that ever happens".
DOH! Then, the icing on the cake? When the yahoos arrived so that the MIL could pick up the chicken, I said, "I would say excuse the mess, but it always looks like this."
He looked me straight in the eye and said in deliberate tones, "I have grand kids that come over to my apartment. They have their own area for toys, but," he leans forward, turning red, sputtering and shaking a bit," I tell them one time. And if they don't pick them up..." He crosses hims arms emphatically, giving me a stern look. A look my MIL didn't see because she was standing in front of the yahoo the whole time they were in my entry way, and never once turned to look at him.
I stood there with my mouth ajar.
Later, after I put the kids to bed I thought to myself- what was that supposed to mean? Was he inferring that I was a bad mother for not making my kids too afraid to leave their toys out? OR, given the fact that all of a sudden, in a span of a week I hear that she mentioned to him about moving in together and MARRIAGE, is he inferring something about how things will go with my kids?
I don't fricking think so. I have been doing so well with not cursing lately... but let me tell you, based on my reaction last night after that little tidbit had time to sink in? I can't even think about cursing for the next 3 weeks. I'm "caught up".
That JACKASS has another thing coming if he and his 2 brain cells think that he will EVER talk to my kids like that. There are no (polite) words to describe how I will handle that situation. Lets just say that I am SURE, with every fiber of my being, that I will be "caught up" for roughly a year.
Let me just say that I believe that the MIL deserves as much happiness as anyone else, but given the fact that she has had a history of picking real losers as husbands.... I see divorce #4 in the horizon?!?
John's dad turned out to be an alcoholic who later before he died, his long time skank of a GF pretty much told us that they were dating before John's parents split up. Hedidn't pay child support at all, and rarely saw his kids.
Her next husband was the one that tried to get John and his brother and sister to hand sickle over an acre of property. John refused to do it and left, ran away right in front of her, and she didn't even try to stop John- who was 15- from leaving. before she married this jerk she asked them what they thought of him, and they all said they didn't like him. She married him anyway. After they got married and 3 days after they moved into a new house ( an old farm house), the house burned to the ground and they lost everything. John believes that he (the jerk) deliberately set the fire for the money. John never moved back home with his mother, and lived with his grandmother. Nice. This is the foundation for their tense relationship.
Idiot #3: 10-12 years younger than her, turned out to be a coke head. Their apartment was broken into without forced entry 3 times and valuables and money that only they knew about was gone. Overtime he supposedly did was unaccounted for on his pay stubs. We all ( including her kids) tried to convince her that since they were ALL unforced entries, and that money that they only knew about was missing from their apartment, that it had to be him... she told us all to but out, including the 2 kids she still had living with her.While John and I were in the Persian Gulf in '90, and the MIL took over our finances while we were gone... 500.00 went missing from my checking account, and she said she knew nothing about it. later, his girl friend showed up and said she was pregnant, that he had indeed been the one breaking into their apartment and stealing valuables and money, and that he had spent it all on coke for the two of them (him and the girl friend). After all of that, she still considered taking him back.
Now, here is the most troubling part: 9 months ago, I had mentioned something about the asshat that hurt me as a kid, and that I would kill if anything like that happened to my girls. She then tells me that her daughter had told her that JERK #3 had sexually assualted her (my MIL didn't go in to specifics, but said that my SIL had said that he "Had tried stuff with her"), but that the MIL refused to believe her own daughter. As if this could possible exonerate her, the MIL said, "I believe her now."
Sooooo, now you know why this is such a big deal to us. When it comes to men, the MIL always seems to put them and her own needs above her children. John and I vow that she isn't going to get the chance to screw our kids up too. They are already destined to be a little messed up, having a neurotic mother.
John said he will talk to her today, since Anna was supposed to sleep over Friday, and tell her that if yahoo is going to be there then Anna isn't coming.
I am worried that given all of the bad choices that she has made in the past with my kids (and her own) that Anna shouldn't be over there at all. I have a sinking suspicion that possibly the MIL will try to make Anna keep secrets about stuff that isn't supposed to happen... just to not hurt the yahoo's feelings. Shoot, I was thinking last night that she may have already told Anna to keep secrets about certain things, because she also has a history of us catching her in lies and trying to cover her ass, after doing something that put our kids in jeopardy.
*When you lay it all out like this, it sounds completely insane to think that we have entrusted our most precious possessions to this woman, ONCE AGAIN. It's insane to think that after 61 years that she can change. I guess despite the fact that John and I are typically hard asses when it comes to protecting our kids, we have just been asses and complete dumb asses to think that she will ever change and that our kids will really truly be safe. She does change how she operates a bit... but I think it's mostly to lull us into a false sense of security, basically so she can get what she wants.
What the hell is wrong with us? I really think it has to do with her being the only grand parent left, since I will have nothing to do with my own mother. Also, like I said before, we just want to hope that people (she) will change, and that our kids can enjoy a NORMAL relationship with their last remaining grand parent. Sadly, it doesn't look like it's going to happen.
I just told John *this a few minutes ago when he dropped Anna off after school. He agrees with me that she really can't watch our kids.
I realize how incredibly stupid I sound right now. Not to worry, bloggin always helps me see things more clearly. I have a feeling someone is still going to call me an idiot, despite explaining myself.
I've been called worse... I can take it.
Oh, Happy Valentine's Day. ;)
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Help me!
This Mary mert reporting from underneath 6 inches of freshly fallen snow in Eastern Iowa. You may have been wondering where I have been for the last week, and I am about to tell you harrowing tales, so put the kiddies in another room folks.
My captors forced me to do manual labor last night, in which I was made to go out in the cold in the dark and press together large clumps of snow. My dinner was stolen from me and placed on the smallest of the clumps, as were the buttons on my pants. Notice the gleeful smiles. Oh how they love to torture me!
I have just now dug my way out of a snow tunnel and am making my escape back into the house
where I must then be interrogated, most likely with questions such as " Where is my HOT COCOA!", and "Why are there only 8 marshmallows and not 10?"
You may have been wondering why I haven't posted in a while, and I'll be honest. My captors have been keeping me under lock and key and only allowing me small meals in between making their meals.
About 4 days before Christmas I stayed up all hours of the night making ginger bread for the the tyrannical dictators that are my captors. "Gingerbread, when will you make the gingerbread!?!" We spent the next day putting together a miniature replica of this house they hold me in, but mostly they gorged themselves on chocolates and candies.
Most recently they had me scrubbing their toilets on Christmas Eve. Though I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone, I am just glad to be alive. My cell mate is severely ill, he is coughing and shivering and luckily they aren't quite as hard on him... but they do make him sit for hours playing a Winnie The Pooh video game, the same game they have forced him to play for months now. They are slowly breaking him down mentally I think, with constant images of rotund yellow bears and tiny pink piglets. Oh the horror.
On Christmas I got up at the crack o' to make the angry mob breakfast of their traditional holiday coffee cake, then was forced to endure over an hour of the sound of ripping paper and shrieking.
My captors forced me to do manual labor last night, in which I was made to go out in the cold in the dark and press together large clumps of snow. My dinner was stolen from me and placed on the smallest of the clumps, as were the buttons on my pants. Notice the gleeful smiles. Oh how they love to torture me!
I have just now dug my way out of a snow tunnel and am making my escape back into the house
where I must then be interrogated, most likely with questions such as " Where is my HOT COCOA!", and "Why are there only 8 marshmallows and not 10?"You may have been wondering why I haven't posted in a while, and I'll be honest. My captors have been keeping me under lock and key and only allowing me small meals in between making their meals.
About 4 days before Christmas I stayed up all hours of the night making ginger bread for the the tyrannical dictators that are my captors. "Gingerbread, when will you make the gingerbread!?!" We spent the next day putting together a miniature replica of this house they hold me in, but mostly they gorged themselves on chocolates and candies.
Most recently they had me scrubbing their toilets on Christmas Eve. Though I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone, I am just glad to be alive. My cell mate is severely ill, he is coughing and shivering and luckily they aren't quite as hard on him... but they do make him sit for hours playing a Winnie The Pooh video game, the same game they have forced him to play for months now. They are slowly breaking him down mentally I think, with constant images of rotund yellow bears and tiny pink piglets. Oh the horror.
On Christmas I got up at the crack o' to make the angry mob breakfast of their traditional holiday coffee cake, then was forced to endure over an hour of the sound of ripping paper and shrieking.
"High School Musical 2!"
"Elmo!"
"More High School Musical 2!"
"Dora!"
"Even MORE High School Musical 2!"
Heh, heh... little do they know, I have my own tricks! Subliminal auditory suggestions via Disney music. ;)
"Elmo!"
"More High School Musical 2!"
"Dora!"
"Even MORE High School Musical 2!"
Heh, heh... little do they know, I have my own tricks! Subliminal auditory suggestions via Disney music. ;)
Today my captors plan to have me hauling more clumps of snow in the cold, hopefully after I have had at least one cup of coffee. Stay tunes for more messages from the snowy trenches... I hope I last until the New Year.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
A favor, if you wouldn't mind
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I have a sister that my younger brother and I recently reconnected with. My sister's adoptive mother passed yesterday from cancer, a battle she has been fighting for a while.
Marci wasn't able to get there in time but she did drive quite a ways to get there, and spent the night there. She drove home today to get her husband and three kids... Marci also has an adoptive brother, and will be there with her. I was just wondering if you are so inclined, if you could please send her good vibes and prayers.
I am so glad that Marci and her family were able to visit recently, and were able to have a visit without the usual anger and arguing. That in itself is a blessing.
Thanks, I know she will really appreciate it.
~mert
Marci wasn't able to get there in time but she did drive quite a ways to get there, and spent the night there. She drove home today to get her husband and three kids... Marci also has an adoptive brother, and will be there with her. I was just wondering if you are so inclined, if you could please send her good vibes and prayers.
I am so glad that Marci and her family were able to visit recently, and were able to have a visit without the usual anger and arguing. That in itself is a blessing.
Thanks, I know she will really appreciate it.
~mert
Thursday, September 13, 2007
School Year's Resolutions
*** Check out an earlier post of Emma-isms for today, below***
Kelly over at PTT has a wonderful idea- focus on goals for your family throughout the year. This is such an inspiration, especially since Kelly added her own special note to her idea, which is:
I believe the better me I can be, the better mom I can be.Nothing could be more true. How can I expect to keep my family happy and on track if I am no where near achieving those things for myself? At first I struggled with this idea. Change is hard, so I began to think about what we were already doing right... things we had already implemented just before the start of the school year.
- Family reading time, every day.
- (More recently) Eating healthy by making meal plans and allowing everyone to choose a meal for the week, then finding lower fat versions of the recipes.
- Being more diligent about our routines and schedules and wavering as little as possible once school started. (Anna's post school routine of snack, 1/2 hour of TV to unwind, home work, clean room... all the way up to bed time routines)
- Being less negative when disciplining the kids by correcting them, but by also giving positive reinforcement by highlighting and praising them when they do something the right way.
Things I resolve to work harder on:
- Exerting more patience in my life.
- Dealing with negative forces as tactfully as possible.
- Make an actual exercise schedule and stick to it, 3 times a week (dusting off the exercise equipment on the porch!).
- Take over the bills to relieve the stress on my poor forgetful and over- worked hubby, therefore creating a less stressed family environment because the bills are getting paid on time and our (insert utility here) isn't getting turned off. (Like our water yesterdayLOL!)
- Being more diligent about returning important phone calls
- Making appointments for the family (mostly myself...moms, you know how that goes), because a healthy family is a happy family.
I will add more to the list as I think of them, mostly to keep myself accountable. ;) This was actually a really pleasant experience for me because I had not realized how well the improvements we made a month ( or so) ago had been working. if you like this idea, head over to Kelly's blog, leave a comment and/or leave a link letting her know you are participating. I hope you all have a happy and healthy school year!
Monday, September 10, 2007
And there you have it. (MIL caa-caa)
OK y'all... I just wanted to let you know that I REALLY appreciate all your kind words about the monster-in-law. ;D Now on to the news...
This last Sunday I told John that the fact that She saw fit to talk about this to John on Wednesday AT WORK, and the fact that I had yet to confront her on this whole slapping issue... well, I felt that by me saying nothing in my defense was probably to her most likely an admission of guilt. I also told John that we needed to find a baby sitter ASAP then call the MIL to let her know that we wanted to talk to her.
After talking about it again tonight I realized that I needed to take the bull by the horns. So I called her :
Well folks, it looks like she has sealed the deal. She is refusing to be reasonable about this. I'm pretty sure that is not at all fixable. The fact that she continues to blame everyone else including Anna, and refusing to take any responsibility...
She's nuts. Anyway, at least I said a little of what I needed to say. I was so amped that I was a bit out of breathI intend on sending the copy of car keys and her house key back to her in the mail, with a letter stating that she knows our terms and conditions. No talk- no grandkids, and that "the ball is in her court".
Oh, and that if she could stop being unprofessional and inappropriate and refrain from discussing family matters in the work place, that would be just peachy.
This last Sunday I told John that the fact that She saw fit to talk about this to John on Wednesday AT WORK, and the fact that I had yet to confront her on this whole slapping issue... well, I felt that by me saying nothing in my defense was probably to her most likely an admission of guilt. I also told John that we needed to find a baby sitter ASAP then call the MIL to let her know that we wanted to talk to her.
After talking about it again tonight I realized that I needed to take the bull by the horns. So I called her :
This is Mary, I need to know when it would be a good time so I can hire a sitter for us to come over so we can talk.
Well, we will be working 10 hour days for the next two weeks...
Well, we need to sit down and talk- me , you and John. We also need to talk because you accused me of slapping you and I DID NOT.
Yes you DID.
No, I may have pushed your hand away roughly, but I did NOT slap you, and I have NEVER slapped you out of anger. Well, I really don't want to discuss this over the phone, so that is why we need to sit down and have a talk before you ever see the girls again.
*silence* ...What exactly is this talk about, before I agree to do this...?
Oh, lets see... Our "rules", slapping, the way you treat Anna...
That sounds like a bunch of accusations to me... not a "talk"...
Don't EVEN get me started about accusations! You seem to feel that it's OK to tell people I have slapped you and I'm NOT OK with that.
Well, it sounds like you have already decided...
NO, YOU are the one who hasn't bothered to see your granddaughters in 5 weeks...
No, Anna was supposed to be the one deciding when she was ready to see me!
Which is true, but the monster-in-law didn't know about this until last Wednesday when she decided it was appropriate to discuss all of this at the hospital that she and John work at. John and I had decided that Anna could tell us when she was ready to see the MIL, but since the MIL had made no attempt to fix things, we've haven't told the MIL anything up until that point. So she is once again trying to blame someone else for her mistakes... and she chooses to put responsibility on the 6 year old?
NO. YOU should have had your BUTT over here BEGGING for forgiveness the day after, bearing- (gifts, I said but she interrupted me)
Give me a fuc-! CLICK!
Well folks, it looks like she has sealed the deal. She is refusing to be reasonable about this. I'm pretty sure that is not at all fixable. The fact that she continues to blame everyone else including Anna, and refusing to take any responsibility...
She's nuts. Anyway, at least I said a little of what I needed to say. I was so amped that I was a bit out of breathI intend on sending the copy of car keys and her house key back to her in the mail, with a letter stating that she knows our terms and conditions. No talk- no grandkids, and that "the ball is in her court".
Oh, and that if she could stop being unprofessional and inappropriate and refrain from discussing family matters in the work place, that would be just peachy.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
I'm so tired.
***This is not a positive post, but I am positively beside myself. More drama with the MIL... proceed with caution***
My MIL decided yesterday that it's completely appropriate to talk to John about family matters in the work place, since she and John work at the same hospital. Oh the joy.
1.First she asked John if he, me and Anna were done being mad at her so she could come over and see the kids.
Great way to start off... placing the blame on us once again. She hasn't made any attempt to see or call the kids for 4 weeks now. 4 WEEKS. But it's our fault she didn't come over.
2. She has completely eclipsed the "she's not as nuts as my mother but still is pretty nuts" thing by telling John that I slapped her that day. Even though I wanted to slap her, I assure you I did not. I pushed her hand away while putting myself between her and Anna and yelling, "Yeah, she's fine!" because she had grabbed Anna by the arm and wouldn't let her go, while repeating "You're OK, you're fine" to Anna. I did shove her hand away, maybe roughly because she wouldn't let Anna go, but I did not slap her. Besides, if I had gotten physical in this circumstance I assure you that merely slapping her would have been letting her off easy.
Besides... lets be honest here for a moment shall we? I was practically raised buy wolves and even though I got regular beatings (some that resulted in scars), I was raised better. I know better than to assault anyone out of anger, especially an elder and family member. Yes I had a rough childhood but I definitely don't use that as a free ticket to hurt other people... I was raised to be polite and have manners... despite there being no clear example of that from my mother towards her children.
3. She told John that this is the SECOND time I have slapped her. Ummmm, no... I am sure I would remember that because I would remember the enormous amount of satisfaction that would come with that.
4. The MIL said, "My sister was there, she'll back me up."
Yeah she'll back you up, sure... even though your sister told me she didn't see what happened so she didn't want to get involved. Like that matters anyway... Like John is going to believe (crazy) you and your sister(the one who didn't see anything) over me.
5. She told John that Anna ignored her after the MIL threw the bucket of water in her face, and if that had been one of her kids she would have made Anna go over an apologize for ignoring her grandmother.
I TOLD ANNA TO STAY AWAY FROM HER before we went back outside, and I also said "I don't know what other crazy stuff nana might do and I don't want you to get hurt again."
But being the smart girl that she is, I'm sure she would have stayed the heck away from her any way... It's not like all faith and trust that Anna had for her grandmother was crushed or anything. *rolls eyes*
Anna didn't do anything wrong, yet she is the one who is supposed to apologize?
6. She told John that the reason she said she "can't be a grandmother here" is because we have too many rules.
Gee, what rules?Like not leaving my kid locked in a car alone, on a 90+ degree day? not letting Anna walk on the 10 foot steep incline filled with huge sharp and pointy rocks, down by the river, just because she was are lazy to get up?Not sitting with her head stuck in the TV while my youngest is wrapping blind cords around her neck for almost a minute?
NO, our rules are to get Anna to bed before 10pm instead of letting her stay up until 1130-12 midnight. Don't let her have too much sugar, and OH, MAYBE you should try feeding her something at say.... 4 hours instead of waiting until 8 hours since the last time she had something to eat. Say no when she asks you to buy her something? I mean really, who is the adult here?
I'm angry that she thought she could do an "end around" and just talk to John about all of this... like he is going to decide on his own- or that she can accuse me of slapping her and I'm not going to have a chance to defend myself and discuss her insulting accusations with her?
WE WILL have a sit down and talk this out BEFORE SHE EVER SEES MY GIRLS AGAIN. She might even need to get herself put on medication before she gets to see my girls again. Shoot, I might need medication before this all gets worked out- for blood pressure and nerves. I told John we will hire a baby sitter, and I will try to be as calm as possible, but the way things work out usually is that the MIL gets very snappy with me when it has been just me and her hammering stuff out, so John will need to be there too so that she behaves herself and so that he is there to help me if I get to angry.
The fact that she sees things so differently from everyone around her should tell her something. What's the common denominator here? HER. But no, she never takes responsibility, every one else is always to blame, she always have to be right.
I'm so tired of this... I thought that when I estranged myself from my mother over 3 years ago that I would never have to deal with this type of (stomachache inducing) insanity again. She really is turning out to be a lot like my mother , including accusing me of things that never happened and believing that everyone should cater to her despite the damage she is doing to them.
I really need to pray that God helps me to be able to voice my feelings and concerns without losing it out of anger and frustration... plus I don't want her to "win" by going that route.
OK, I'm done... I'm coming off my anger high from last night and am just so upset right now I'm in tears. After I have an opportunity to talk to her about things from my point of view this thing may very well be broken... and she might just move back to Texas.
I'm sorry, this is my only real place to vent...
EDIT to add: Marie asked how John feels about all of this in comments... He is completely on the same page as me. He has a bad history with his mother. I think it's almost a good thing he was at work because he probably would have yelled at her. :/
Monday, August 27, 2007
Oh, the hypocrisy!
***This post has religious undertones... reader beware***
Yesterday we were out and about getting a few things and a thought occurred to me: How do I help my child forgive? I don't know if you have noticed this or not but I can hold a grudge. Shocking, I know!
It's no secret that we have been slacking in the church going department. I know my kids are missing out on something important and I am partially to blame. I'd like to think that I am teaching my kids the fundamentals of life.
But am I?
Regardless of faith and denomination, there are some things that I think parents should teach their children. But this is all my opinion, so cut me a little slack... m'kay? ;)
IMHO, one of the things that parents should teach their children is the concept forgiveness. This is where things get a little sticky for me. I have been burned so many times in my life that I am slow to forgive. It takes me a while. SOMETIMES years. So what exactly should I tell my kids?
*** From a Biblical standpoint, though love is mentioned a lot and is considered a top priority, forgiveness is crucial to having a relationship with God and man. ***
As a child I was brought up to believe that my feelings, thoughts and opinions didn't matter or amount to much. I want so much more for my children, so how can I possibly tell them that they HAVE to forgive? Right now. This very minute.
My brain understands the fundamentals of forgiveness, but my heart aches when my children have been hurt and wronged. How can I explain to my kids that they need to forgive when I struggle on a daily basis? And when my words are so poisoned with anger?
Most recently, the MIL threw a sand pail of water- full force- in the face of her 6 year old granddaughter, without Anna even knowing that she was behind her, and without warning. As you can imagine, Anna has lost all faith and trust in her grandmother.
John's mother obviously was very upset when she learned that she wouldn't be watching the kids while I was gone on my recent trip. The Saturday before my trip (and after the water incident), John and his mother just happened to be working at the hospital they bother work at. The MIL called John at his desk and asked him what time she needed to be at the house on Friday. John told her that he was going to take both days off, and that she wouldn't be needed to stay home with the kids. When she asked him why, he replied that Anna said she wanted her dad home those days.
"I guess she is still mad at me, " she said.
"Yes, "John said, "She IS only 6 years old." Then he told her that he had to go, he had a lot of work to do.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if she thought that her actions were minor and that she couldn't possibly understand why Anna would be so upset. In fact this is exactly what has happened in the past when she left Anna in a locked car on a 90+ degree day, or the time she let Anna walk on a 10 foot incline of jagged rocks at the river front, or the time I came home to find Emma wrapping a cord from the blinds around her neck for almost a whole minute while the MIL watched TV in my living room... completely oblivious. In each instance she either couldn't understand why I was so upset or lied about what happened to save face.
However, what is most shocking? The MIL- the only grandparent my kids have left since my mother has been eliminated for reasons of insanity- has not bothered to call, visit, or reassure her grandchildren in almost 3 weeks (3 weeks tomorrow). No contact of any sort, nothing. This is doing nothing to boost Anna's fallen faith. In fact, it is only fostering her sense of hurt and complacency.
What struck me about this whole incident is that by continuing to discuss our anger and frustration- over the fact that the MIL is so childish that she cannot possibly see why Anna would be so upset, and the fact that she has decided that her typical response of avoidance in hopes that the situation will mend itself is at all appropriate here- is [possibly] making things worse for Anna.
Gah, I guess that means I have to change. Lead by example right? I have to start taming my tongue and letting anger go. Which is very difficult in this particular circumstance... since we traveled a similar road with John's dad.
I don't want to ever give my kids the idea or feeling that their ideas and opinions don't matter.
But there has to be a transition between feeling the hurt and mending, and this is where forgiveness comes in. I think Anna is old and smart enough to understand that forgiveness means showing mercy for others, but it also means allowing yourself to heal. You can't heal if you let the battery acid of bitterness continue to pour over open wounds.
John and I had a short a cryptic talk in the car, where I told him my opinion... and he agreed.
So, yesterday after we got home, I had a brief talk with Anna. I explained that when she was ready to see her nana again to let me know and I would call the MIL and tell her that Anna wanted to see her. I skipped the part where Anna "should forgive" because I didn't want her to feel like I was demanding her to do so, I know my sweet girl will eventually forgive. Also, I want my daughter to know that she is every bit entitled to feel anger, pain and hurt, and that her opinions and feelings DO matter. But, last night I did ask her at bedtime if she has forgiven her grandmother at all, and she said a little. I told her that if she wanted, she could pray that God help her... and she did. :)
Forgiveness begins inside one's self, so it is no wonder that forgiveness heals the wounded and the forgiven alike.
I hope that my girl can grasp what has taken her momma so many years to figure out.
I also hope that when the time comes that the MIL will be ready with an open heart and will want to see Anna (supervised visits only), even though she has made it perfectly clear that Emma (my youngest)is her favorite grandchild. Actually, I hope that the MIL comes to accept her responsibility in this whole mess because Anna did nothing wrong, and that she attempts to reconcile with Anna soon.
If the MIL tries to place the blame on Anna or is indignant or angry when Anna is ready to see her, I am afraid that the bear in me will come out ... in order to protect my cub. If the MIL keeps on this self centered/ self destructive path, her grandchildren will one day be too busy for HER. I don't want that at all.
We'll see... I am hoping and praying for the best, though my faith in my child's remaining grandparent is scraping the bottom of the barrel.
EDIT TO ADD: (As written to a good friend just minutes ago) I will still be guarded in that I will protect my daughter , no matter what it takes. We already decided that she will no longer watch our kids for us, or take them any where... we were willing to overlook some very dangerous behaviors on her part... for what? To not rock the boat and make her upset? At what cost, our children?
We realize now- actually John mostly because with each of those instances I told John he needed to talk to his mother because I didn't want to be the bitch, but I always ended up doing it anyway not him- that that was wrong. Going to a movie is not more important than our kid's safety.
Yes, the rule is she can visit but never alone... the visits will be supervised. If she starts to act stupid and take stuff out on Anna then she can't see them anymore. If she isn't willing to get over herself- meaning accept responsibility for what happened recently- then she can't come over.
The point I want to make to Anna is that I accept that she has feelings, and that forgiving is not really for her grandmother... it's to help Anna to move on with her life despite it's ups and downs. Sure, her grandmother will need to know that Anna forgives her, when Anna is ready.
The MIL has threatened to move back to Texas... but I think she is realizing that it isn't a threat to me and John... I think she knows now that we couldn't care less.
I don't know if having her in their lives will be good for them... the jury is still out... it kind of depends on how she acts in the near future.
Also, quite frankly... I would like to know that I did everything in MY power to make things better in the event the MIL does decide to move back to Texas... then she can't blame us for moving. It'll all be on HER. I'm not saying at all that I am going to throw my kids to the wolf to make things "all better". Nope. Supervised visits only, and only if the MIL behaves herself. If she can't do that then she can't visit.
The whole point of this post though is this: I want to help ANNA heal. If she can heal by forgiving the MIL, great. I want to teach my kids to move on to bigger and better things, not to sit in the dark depressed because people can and will hurt you.
This is all exclusive of the fact that Anna may or may not feel comfortable around the MIL ever again. If Anna doesn't want to see the MIL, I will respect that. I'll just have to hope that when Anna is ready (if ever) to resume a relationship with her grandmother, that the MIL will be adult enough to accept full responsibility for what happened, and can change... and that they can both move on from there. I doubt it though, the MIL is pretty set in her ways. And that makes me sad for my kids... but maybe they are better off without her.
Yesterday we were out and about getting a few things and a thought occurred to me: How do I help my child forgive? I don't know if you have noticed this or not but I can hold a grudge. Shocking, I know!
It's no secret that we have been slacking in the church going department. I know my kids are missing out on something important and I am partially to blame. I'd like to think that I am teaching my kids the fundamentals of life.
But am I?
Regardless of faith and denomination, there are some things that I think parents should teach their children. But this is all my opinion, so cut me a little slack... m'kay? ;)
IMHO, one of the things that parents should teach their children is the concept forgiveness. This is where things get a little sticky for me. I have been burned so many times in my life that I am slow to forgive. It takes me a while. SOMETIMES years. So what exactly should I tell my kids?
*** From a Biblical standpoint, though love is mentioned a lot and is considered a top priority, forgiveness is crucial to having a relationship with God and man. ***
As a child I was brought up to believe that my feelings, thoughts and opinions didn't matter or amount to much. I want so much more for my children, so how can I possibly tell them that they HAVE to forgive? Right now. This very minute.
My brain understands the fundamentals of forgiveness, but my heart aches when my children have been hurt and wronged. How can I explain to my kids that they need to forgive when I struggle on a daily basis? And when my words are so poisoned with anger?
Most recently, the MIL threw a sand pail of water- full force- in the face of her 6 year old granddaughter, without Anna even knowing that she was behind her, and without warning. As you can imagine, Anna has lost all faith and trust in her grandmother.
John's mother obviously was very upset when she learned that she wouldn't be watching the kids while I was gone on my recent trip. The Saturday before my trip (and after the water incident), John and his mother just happened to be working at the hospital they bother work at. The MIL called John at his desk and asked him what time she needed to be at the house on Friday. John told her that he was going to take both days off, and that she wouldn't be needed to stay home with the kids. When she asked him why, he replied that Anna said she wanted her dad home those days.
"I guess she is still mad at me, " she said.
"Yes, "John said, "She IS only 6 years old." Then he told her that he had to go, he had a lot of work to do.
It wouldn't surprise me at all if she thought that her actions were minor and that she couldn't possibly understand why Anna would be so upset. In fact this is exactly what has happened in the past when she left Anna in a locked car on a 90+ degree day, or the time she let Anna walk on a 10 foot incline of jagged rocks at the river front, or the time I came home to find Emma wrapping a cord from the blinds around her neck for almost a whole minute while the MIL watched TV in my living room... completely oblivious. In each instance she either couldn't understand why I was so upset or lied about what happened to save face.
However, what is most shocking? The MIL- the only grandparent my kids have left since my mother has been eliminated for reasons of insanity- has not bothered to call, visit, or reassure her grandchildren in almost 3 weeks (3 weeks tomorrow). No contact of any sort, nothing. This is doing nothing to boost Anna's fallen faith. In fact, it is only fostering her sense of hurt and complacency.
What struck me about this whole incident is that by continuing to discuss our anger and frustration- over the fact that the MIL is so childish that she cannot possibly see why Anna would be so upset, and the fact that she has decided that her typical response of avoidance in hopes that the situation will mend itself is at all appropriate here- is [possibly] making things worse for Anna.
Gah, I guess that means I have to change. Lead by example right? I have to start taming my tongue and letting anger go. Which is very difficult in this particular circumstance... since we traveled a similar road with John's dad.
I don't want to ever give my kids the idea or feeling that their ideas and opinions don't matter.
But there has to be a transition between feeling the hurt and mending, and this is where forgiveness comes in. I think Anna is old and smart enough to understand that forgiveness means showing mercy for others, but it also means allowing yourself to heal. You can't heal if you let the battery acid of bitterness continue to pour over open wounds.
John and I had a short a cryptic talk in the car, where I told him my opinion... and he agreed.
So, yesterday after we got home, I had a brief talk with Anna. I explained that when she was ready to see her nana again to let me know and I would call the MIL and tell her that Anna wanted to see her. I skipped the part where Anna "should forgive" because I didn't want her to feel like I was demanding her to do so, I know my sweet girl will eventually forgive. Also, I want my daughter to know that she is every bit entitled to feel anger, pain and hurt, and that her opinions and feelings DO matter. But, last night I did ask her at bedtime if she has forgiven her grandmother at all, and she said a little. I told her that if she wanted, she could pray that God help her... and she did. :)
Forgiveness begins inside one's self, so it is no wonder that forgiveness heals the wounded and the forgiven alike.
I hope that my girl can grasp what has taken her momma so many years to figure out.
I also hope that when the time comes that the MIL will be ready with an open heart and will want to see Anna (supervised visits only), even though she has made it perfectly clear that Emma (my youngest)is her favorite grandchild. Actually, I hope that the MIL comes to accept her responsibility in this whole mess because Anna did nothing wrong, and that she attempts to reconcile with Anna soon.
If the MIL tries to place the blame on Anna or is indignant or angry when Anna is ready to see her, I am afraid that the bear in me will come out ... in order to protect my cub. If the MIL keeps on this self centered/ self destructive path, her grandchildren will one day be too busy for HER. I don't want that at all.
We'll see... I am hoping and praying for the best, though my faith in my child's remaining grandparent is scraping the bottom of the barrel.
EDIT TO ADD: (As written to a good friend just minutes ago) I will still be guarded in that I will protect my daughter , no matter what it takes. We already decided that she will no longer watch our kids for us, or take them any where... we were willing to overlook some very dangerous behaviors on her part... for what? To not rock the boat and make her upset? At what cost, our children?
We realize now- actually John mostly because with each of those instances I told John he needed to talk to his mother because I didn't want to be the bitch, but I always ended up doing it anyway not him- that that was wrong. Going to a movie is not more important than our kid's safety.
Yes, the rule is she can visit but never alone... the visits will be supervised. If she starts to act stupid and take stuff out on Anna then she can't see them anymore. If she isn't willing to get over herself- meaning accept responsibility for what happened recently- then she can't come over.
The point I want to make to Anna is that I accept that she has feelings, and that forgiving is not really for her grandmother... it's to help Anna to move on with her life despite it's ups and downs. Sure, her grandmother will need to know that Anna forgives her, when Anna is ready.
The MIL has threatened to move back to Texas... but I think she is realizing that it isn't a threat to me and John... I think she knows now that we couldn't care less.
I don't know if having her in their lives will be good for them... the jury is still out... it kind of depends on how she acts in the near future.
Also, quite frankly... I would like to know that I did everything in MY power to make things better in the event the MIL does decide to move back to Texas... then she can't blame us for moving. It'll all be on HER. I'm not saying at all that I am going to throw my kids to the wolf to make things "all better". Nope. Supervised visits only, and only if the MIL behaves herself. If she can't do that then she can't visit.
The whole point of this post though is this: I want to help ANNA heal. If she can heal by forgiving the MIL, great. I want to teach my kids to move on to bigger and better things, not to sit in the dark depressed because people can and will hurt you.
This is all exclusive of the fact that Anna may or may not feel comfortable around the MIL ever again. If Anna doesn't want to see the MIL, I will respect that. I'll just have to hope that when Anna is ready (if ever) to resume a relationship with her grandmother, that the MIL will be adult enough to accept full responsibility for what happened, and can change... and that they can both move on from there. I doubt it though, the MIL is pretty set in her ways. And that makes me sad for my kids... but maybe they are better off without her.
Friday, August 24, 2007
My visit with my sister (picture intense)
Eeek! It's been almost a week since my tattoo... it's really itchy but I love it. the colors are really popping now! Thanks Rafael!
Thursday night I arrived to find my brother and sister waiting for me... all smiles! That was so nice!
We took The Beast (my suitcase) up to the hotel room, then came back down for a bite to eat. Besides being ogled by a couple dudes in the snack bar, we had a nice time chatting (and teasing each other) over fries. When back to the room my bro and I were sharing and talked some more, until about 1 am Reno time- which was about 3 am Iowa time.
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz... we got up bright and early and had breakfast before going to get our tattoos.
Afterwards we refueled with lunch then went over to Marci's house for margaritas and dinner. I told Marci I hadn't been this relaxed in years, but I soon realized some of it was because I wasn't chasing around my ankle biters to tell them to stop poking each other with sharp and pointy objects. You know what they say about absence... I was missing the noise of my girls. Not for long though, my nieces and nephew are adorably noisy. ;) It was almost like being at home with the Disney channel and kid background noise. They took to Ben and I right away, and since Ben had gotten there a day early he had gotten to exchanging jokes with the oldest already. Here they are opening some gifts we brought for them.
Marci is very lucky to have found such a wonderful cook for a husband! :D They were high school sweet hearts and have been together for 21 years, and married for 17. Jeff makes the best baked beans I have ever had. Ben and I were pooped, but when we got back to the hotel room at 12:30 am we were wide awake and stayed up until 3 am talking and reading. Mostly it was me talking while Ben tried to read. *snort*
Let me just say that while visiting my sis in Reno, I ate VERY WELL. Unfortunately for us, we had some sort of beans every day. Yes, sharing a room was a little uncomfortable at times, and at first the bathroom fan got quite the workout. Eventually though, we just showed the love and shared like only family can. I told Marci that to think- the next visit Ben and I will be comfortable enough to "share" with her too, LOL!
Treasure at the Silver Legacy! The rug has 24K gold threads and jewels woven into it *drool*
Then we stopped by a sporting goods store to find a toy for the kids- meaning me and Ben LOL! We wanted to find a marshmallow gun for us- I mean our kids ;) Of course no trip is complete without the snuggling of puppies!
My plan was to freak John out by sending him an email that said "Guess what I bought in Reno?", but I forgot to do it. Darn!
By now, Jeff was loosening up a little bit and actually talking to Ben and I, after he realized that we are both just big Goofballs. He is kind of like my hubby, quiet at first until he gets to know you a little better. Marci had no problem hanging with the Goofballs and we all got into a little friendly teasing here and there. :D
Later that night the adults went to a buffet and gorged ourselves on ribs, chicken and sausage. We were all so full we were groaning... but that didn't stop Jeff from suffereing through the last piece of sausage. I promised myself that I wouldn't eat another thing after that night, and told Ben that the I was pretty sure the 6 pounds I had lost before the trip had found me again. We walked- or rather rolled- around Reno to help the grease in our stomachs to dissipate.
Sunday early afternoon we braved the pool at the hotel despite seeing waves and white caps on the water. It was so windy that the 90 degree day seemed like 50 once we got into the pool. Everyone got in except for Jeff, who turned out to be the smartest of the bunch. Once I got in, I stayed in... that's how cold it was after we got out because the 20-25 mph winds going on. Despite the teeth chattering and shivering, we had fun... but we cut it short because we were all turning blue. ;)
Later that day after Ben and I took turns taking showers, we headed over to Marci's for margaritas and a nice relaxed dinner.
Ben and I stayed up packing until 1 am, then we got up early Monday and had breakfast with Jeff and Marci since all of the kids were at school. We walked around a little bit then made our way to the airport. Ben and I managed to get our tickets changed so we could sit together as we flew to Denver for our connecting flights. We ate at a Mexican Grill and had chicken taco salads, with... you guessed it- beans. ;) ben and talked a bit more about our loved ones while blowing garlic chicken burps at each other, we laughed a lot. I saw Ben off at his gate because his flight back to Maryland as an hour earlier that my flight back to Iowa... that ended up being delayed 2 hours.
For about an hour I frantically tried to get a hold of John to let him know my plane would be late so he wouldn't be stuck at the airport with 2 cranky kids, since my original flight was supposed to get in at 11pm. If you have read my previous rantings about the MIL, you know that we really couldn't call her to watch the kids neither John or I trusted her anymore, and neither did Anna. I finally got a hold of John and he got the girls in their jammies and tried to catch a nap, but none of them slept. Luckily the girls fell asleep on the way to the airport and they slept for a bit. I managed to control myself though, unlike another infamous flight. ;) The plan was for me to meet them in the parking lot since the kids would be sleeping, but Emma heard my plane come in and decided she wanted OUT of the car... so to my surprise I turned to find them standing a ways off while I waited for my suitcase. Emma was a bit shy at first but she leapt into my arms after about a minute. :)I arrived in Iowa at 1 am, and got home at 2, with 2 very sleepy children in tow.
So there you have it... my trip from soup to nuts, alpha to omega. We had a nice visit and Ben and Marci are already making plans for another trip. Ben said he was thinking that we could take turns visiting at each other's home, but decided that there is probably NOTHING to do in Iowa. I told him that there is plenty to do in Iowa, you just have to be willing to drive. He's such a dork. ;)
We'll see how it goes, I already told Ben and Marci that we have been dodging the bullet for many years on visiting Houston, Texas ( 1184 miles, 18 hours) where John's sister and brother live... The last time we were down there is was right after I came back from Desert Shield/ Desert Storm in '91, and Anna and I went down when Anna was 6 months old to visit for a week while John moved us from California to Iowa so it's been a long time. Matt's GF has 2 daughters and the youngest will be having her Quinceañera in a couple of years, and Matt wants us to come down for that. So we will have to save up for that, and probably drive to save some money. Emma will be 4 1/2 by then so she should be able to handle the 18 hour drive by then.
The good thing though is by then Emma will be able to withstand the drive to Maryland (862 miles, 14 hours) too. :D
Thursday night I arrived to find my brother and sister waiting for me... all smiles! That was so nice!
We took The Beast (my suitcase) up to the hotel room, then came back down for a bite to eat. Besides being ogled by a couple dudes in the snack bar, we had a nice time chatting (and teasing each other) over fries. When back to the room my bro and I were sharing and talked some more, until about 1 am Reno time- which was about 3 am Iowa time.
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz... we got up bright and early and had breakfast before going to get our tattoos.
Afterwards we refueled with lunch then went over to Marci's house for margaritas and dinner. I told Marci I hadn't been this relaxed in years, but I soon realized some of it was because I wasn't chasing around my ankle biters to tell them to stop poking each other with sharp and pointy objects. You know what they say about absence... I was missing the noise of my girls. Not for long though, my nieces and nephew are adorably noisy. ;) It was almost like being at home with the Disney channel and kid background noise. They took to Ben and I right away, and since Ben had gotten there a day early he had gotten to exchanging jokes with the oldest already. Here they are opening some gifts we brought for them.
Katie, 15
Becca, 12
Matt, 7
Becca, 12
Matt, 7
Marci is very lucky to have found such a wonderful cook for a husband! :D They were high school sweet hearts and have been together for 21 years, and married for 17. Jeff makes the best baked beans I have ever had. Ben and I were pooped, but when we got back to the hotel room at 12:30 am we were wide awake and stayed up until 3 am talking and reading. Mostly it was me talking while Ben tried to read. *snort*
Let me just say that while visiting my sis in Reno, I ate VERY WELL. Unfortunately for us, we had some sort of beans every day. Yes, sharing a room was a little uncomfortable at times, and at first the bathroom fan got quite the workout. Eventually though, we just showed the love and shared like only family can. I told Marci that to think- the next visit Ben and I will be comfortable enough to "share" with her too, LOL!
Saturday we went out to a late breakfast at the Black Bear Diner with the whole family and walked around Reno a bit to work off the HUGE breakfast we all ate... 
***you can actually see my chin getting bigger as the trip progresses ;)***
***you can actually see my chin getting bigger as the trip progresses ;)***
and played some games in the arcade.
Treasure at the Silver Legacy! The rug has 24K gold threads and jewels woven into it *drool*
Then we stopped by a sporting goods store to find a toy for the kids- meaning me and Ben LOL! We wanted to find a marshmallow gun for us- I mean our kids ;) Of course no trip is complete without the snuggling of puppies!
My plan was to freak John out by sending him an email that said "Guess what I bought in Reno?", but I forgot to do it. Darn!
By now, Jeff was loosening up a little bit and actually talking to Ben and I, after he realized that we are both just big Goofballs. He is kind of like my hubby, quiet at first until he gets to know you a little better. Marci had no problem hanging with the Goofballs and we all got into a little friendly teasing here and there. :D
Later that night the adults went to a buffet and gorged ourselves on ribs, chicken and sausage. We were all so full we were groaning... but that didn't stop Jeff from suffereing through the last piece of sausage. I promised myself that I wouldn't eat another thing after that night, and told Ben that the I was pretty sure the 6 pounds I had lost before the trip had found me again. We walked- or rather rolled- around Reno to help the grease in our stomachs to dissipate.
Sunday early afternoon we braved the pool at the hotel despite seeing waves and white caps on the water. It was so windy that the 90 degree day seemed like 50 once we got into the pool. Everyone got in except for Jeff, who turned out to be the smartest of the bunch. Once I got in, I stayed in... that's how cold it was after we got out because the 20-25 mph winds going on. Despite the teeth chattering and shivering, we had fun... but we cut it short because we were all turning blue. ;)
Later that day after Ben and I took turns taking showers, we headed over to Marci's for margaritas and a nice relaxed dinner.
Ben and I stayed up packing until 1 am, then we got up early Monday and had breakfast with Jeff and Marci since all of the kids were at school. We walked around a little bit then made our way to the airport. Ben and I managed to get our tickets changed so we could sit together as we flew to Denver for our connecting flights. We ate at a Mexican Grill and had chicken taco salads, with... you guessed it- beans. ;) ben and talked a bit more about our loved ones while blowing garlic chicken burps at each other, we laughed a lot. I saw Ben off at his gate because his flight back to Maryland as an hour earlier that my flight back to Iowa... that ended up being delayed 2 hours.
For about an hour I frantically tried to get a hold of John to let him know my plane would be late so he wouldn't be stuck at the airport with 2 cranky kids, since my original flight was supposed to get in at 11pm. If you have read my previous rantings about the MIL, you know that we really couldn't call her to watch the kids neither John or I trusted her anymore, and neither did Anna. I finally got a hold of John and he got the girls in their jammies and tried to catch a nap, but none of them slept. Luckily the girls fell asleep on the way to the airport and they slept for a bit. I managed to control myself though, unlike another infamous flight. ;) The plan was for me to meet them in the parking lot since the kids would be sleeping, but Emma heard my plane come in and decided she wanted OUT of the car... so to my surprise I turned to find them standing a ways off while I waited for my suitcase. Emma was a bit shy at first but she leapt into my arms after about a minute. :)I arrived in Iowa at 1 am, and got home at 2, with 2 very sleepy children in tow.
So there you have it... my trip from soup to nuts, alpha to omega. We had a nice visit and Ben and Marci are already making plans for another trip. Ben said he was thinking that we could take turns visiting at each other's home, but decided that there is probably NOTHING to do in Iowa. I told him that there is plenty to do in Iowa, you just have to be willing to drive. He's such a dork. ;)
We'll see how it goes, I already told Ben and Marci that we have been dodging the bullet for many years on visiting Houston, Texas ( 1184 miles, 18 hours) where John's sister and brother live... The last time we were down there is was right after I came back from Desert Shield/ Desert Storm in '91, and Anna and I went down when Anna was 6 months old to visit for a week while John moved us from California to Iowa so it's been a long time. Matt's GF has 2 daughters and the youngest will be having her Quinceañera in a couple of years, and Matt wants us to come down for that. So we will have to save up for that, and probably drive to save some money. Emma will be 4 1/2 by then so she should be able to handle the 18 hour drive by then.
The good thing though is by then Emma will be able to withstand the drive to Maryland (862 miles, 14 hours) too. :D
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
A word on tattoos
Much like giving birth, the pain that you experience during is inexplicable. Just like childbirth, there is a lot of "breathing", groaning, cursing, and clenching. Trust me, ANYTHING that can be clenched WILL BE clenched. ;)
But once you see your new beautiful baby, all the pain is forgotten. OK, not really- IT HURT LIKE HECK. My new baby isn't perfect, and I freaked out that it is slightly crooked. My tattoo artist added two vines at the top to make it look more even... My brother and sister assured me that it's barely noticeable and John said the same thing when he saw it Monday night. Me... I'm still obsessing about it, but I am hoping that I can have some vines added to it later if it really bothers me.
I now have a beautiful piece of artwork on my body. At times I am still shocked to see it there on my lower back, it actually looks like it is painted on.... it's almost 8 inches in width. That's a lot bigger than I had originally planned!
As far as the place we went to , the name is Stingray Tattoo in Reno. The guys there were awesome and very nice. Except for the guy who did mine... he was nice but he was A TRIP! I could tell that since this was my first tatt, he was trying to have some fun with me. He tried really hard to freak me out, but after trying for about 20 minutes he realized that there was no shocking ME. In the end though, Rafael and I had a nice time chatting (in between me gasping for air and almost biting the tattoo table) about life and how we are all God's creatures when it comes down to it. We discussed family values, family drama and family humor. It was pretty cool.
MY tattoo took almost 2 hours and originally my sis thought hers would take longer, but that was before the shop owner/manager told me that to get all the detail I should stick with the original size. We decided to get them done the morning after I got there instead of waiting until Sunday, which was Friday. I'm glad we did because I probably would have changed my mind about the whole thing considering it's a bit like waiting to take your turn at the gallows. ;)
But once you see your new beautiful baby, all the pain is forgotten. OK, not really- IT HURT LIKE HECK. My new baby isn't perfect, and I freaked out that it is slightly crooked. My tattoo artist added two vines at the top to make it look more even... My brother and sister assured me that it's barely noticeable and John said the same thing when he saw it Monday night. Me... I'm still obsessing about it, but I am hoping that I can have some vines added to it later if it really bothers me.
I now have a beautiful piece of artwork on my body. At times I am still shocked to see it there on my lower back, it actually looks like it is painted on.... it's almost 8 inches in width. That's a lot bigger than I had originally planned!
As far as the place we went to , the name is Stingray Tattoo in Reno. The guys there were awesome and very nice. Except for the guy who did mine... he was nice but he was A TRIP! I could tell that since this was my first tatt, he was trying to have some fun with me. He tried really hard to freak me out, but after trying for about 20 minutes he realized that there was no shocking ME. In the end though, Rafael and I had a nice time chatting (in between me gasping for air and almost biting the tattoo table) about life and how we are all God's creatures when it comes down to it. We discussed family values, family drama and family humor. It was pretty cool.
MY tattoo took almost 2 hours and originally my sis thought hers would take longer, but that was before the shop owner/manager told me that to get all the detail I should stick with the original size. We decided to get them done the morning after I got there instead of waiting until Sunday, which was Friday. I'm glad we did because I probably would have changed my mind about the whole thing considering it's a bit like waiting to take your turn at the gallows. ;)
Waiting for the bottom to drop out, Mary thinks, "What the heck am I doing here... this is a baaaaad idea. Gad, I hope I don't flinch or fart while they are mutilating me."My sis Marci (on the right) is cool as a cucumber. On the outside. ;)
Ben says, "Don't worry... piece of cake. Ooooh, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."
"OK, I can do this... That's not so-"
"#^@*!"
"Let the clenching begin!"
Ben's tatt- This way it reads "Family", from the other side and flipped it reads "Forever". He added his GF's initials... he's really trying to get Tammy to understand that she is The One and wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
This is Marci's- The colors and the flow of the image are just gorgeous. Both me and the sis got flowers!
Here is mine. It's colorful and slightly askew, just like me ;) I chose this design because like the lotus flower, I started in darkness and the mire. Even though I struggled to reach the light, I finally blossomed into something more... something beautiful I hope.What I loved about this design obviously is the flower's symbolism, but I also loved the flow of the design and the vibrancy of color.
I'm already thinking about what tattoo design I would like to get next, but the MISU and I have yet to discuss the possibility of a second.
EDIT TO ADD: I forgot to mention that my brother and I were talking after we were done getting tattoos, and He mentioned that at one point it hurt so bad he thought he was going to fart, I ROFL'd and said I had thought the same thing while I was getting mine done.
Clenching, sometimes it's a good thing.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Oh gad, does the fun ever start?
Besides the minor sibling annoyances that are bound to happen when family visits each other, and getting lost in Chicago and having to walk 10 blocks in the rain to find a bus to take us back to the Field Museum from the Navy Pier... the visit with John's brother and family has been very nice.
Except when the MIL is involved. Yes- I am about to talk about HER again... but only because she insists on general MIL-ness and insanity. Daddy Forever has a neighbor named The Butthead, I may have to steal this from him. ;)
Before I delve into the recent insanity, let me just say that I have been very distracted about blogging recently. I have been having trouble even sitting down to read... I'm so nervous and excited about going out to see my sister IN ONE WEEK! So I am sorry that I have been absent the last month, and I just wanted to say to all my regular reads to please forgive me for not being around more... it's nothing personal. I still heart all of you, it's just that I have been a bit of a mess lately.
Anna starts school 2 days after I get back from my trip so we had to get all of her school preparations squared away. I've been trying to get things ready for when I'm gone for only 4 1/2 days but everything is second nature to me, I'm here with the kids all day. John is pretty good at all of it but I want to make things easier on him. On top of that I'm just listless.
Anywhoo... My BIL brought his long time girl friend and her 2 daughters that live with him, plus his girl friend's niece. They are all staying at the MIL's apartment. From the get go, MIL has been following them around the apartment saying "what are you doing, don't do that, who said you could eat that..." and just generally upsetting the GF and her children. On top of that the MIL kind of picks on the youngest who is 12. As it turns out, since my BIL used to live with the MIL (meaning she was going to buy a house that she couldn't afford so she asked her younger son to help her with the mortgage payments while living with her) that the MIL has a looooong history of being mean and cruel to the GF and her children , even though Matt has been with her over 6 years and has lived with her for over 2.
One incident involved the MIL babysitting for Matt and the GF... the MIL grabbed the youngest (who was probably only 7 or 8 at the time) by the arm, digging her nails in hissing at her. The little one told her mom and Matt (my BIL) about it and the MIL denied it and called the little one a liar... then proceeded to tell the GF that it was HER house and if she didn't like she could leave.
Two days ago, we went out to see John and Matt's cousin who lives 35 minutes from us. The second I got there and sat down in the living room, my MIL started in on me.
"WE went here to day, WE went there... WE did this and WE did that and WE had such a great time." All of which I just forced a smile at. I know it's all a lie because every time i see the GF, she tells me how miserable the MIL is making everyone, so it's not all peachy like she is pretending.
"ME and THE GIRLS are going to the pool..." As in "You're not invited". I sigh and say nothing.
"Matt was telling ME AGAIN what a mistake it was for me to have moved back up here (She says for the 100th time and likes to remind us every chance she gets...She moved from Texas almost 2 years ago , supposedly so she could see her grandchildren every day, which you may know does NOT happen at all)..." OK , this is about where I start to fume.
So I say, "What does, Matt yell at you about this EVERY time he sees you?"
"Well... *scrambling for words* It's just that- ummm, well he always reminds me that he tried to get me to add on to the house (while he was living with her, with his money) or fix up the garage... but I keep telling him that I just don't REMEMBER any of that.*fake and uncomfortable smile*
*for the 20th time she tells me* I still get on him about the fact that he never told me he knew how to do all of that stuff- you know, electrical, drywall, plumbing... He could have saved us a lot of money and done it (all of the improvements she had done to her kitchen which was almost a total remodel... by a bankruptcy client- of all people- from the firm she worked at as a bankruptcy legal assistant ) all himself."
"Well, I would imagine that it's not a good idea to go into home remodeling with your own mother. All you would have done is argue," I say.
"Well, we did argue because Matt didn't like the way the guy was doing everything..."
"I'm just saying that you guys would have argued even more if he had been doing all of the work, so that's probably why he didn't tell you he knew how to do any of that."
She is silent for about 2 minutes, and I figure the conversation is over.
"Well ,*not looking at me and looking down at her hands, oh crap she's going into guilt mode. I can just tell* at least I know my brother is always there for me if I need him... and I hope he knows that I am always there for him."
That's good- I say.
"I thought I have always been there for my children, but OBVIOUSLY NOT."
At this point I do what I always do to refrain from getting into a cat fight with the woman- and to let her know that she is not in control and I refuse to be manipulated, I get up and walk away.
As I am walking away, she adds, "Why don't you just drop it!"
I stop for a moment with my back to her, incredulous... but try to disguise my shock by pretending that I got up to throw my gum away. Me? Drop it? I hadn't said a word once she started her guilt trip. Instead of just leaving the room, I announce to my husband- who is in the kitchen I am walking through- that I am leaving the house in it's entirety, and flash him that sarcastic smile that can mean only one thing... I am about to kill HER.
Later, we all are leaving to go to the local pizza place to eat dinner and my MIL is standing outside and scowling. She sees Anna walking out of the house and I can tell that she is waiting to see if Anna acknowledges her, which Anna does in passing. Anna is clearly uncomfortable that her grandmother is scowling at her and says a weak "hi nana" as she passes. My MIL does this sometimes because she is jealous that my girls will pay more attention to other relatives. I have told the MIL in the past that maybe if she came over and saw her grand kids more that every 1 1/2 weeks maybe- just maybe they would acknowledge her more.
As you may or may not know, I have mentioned the fact that we only live 3 or 4 blocks away from her. She has tried to insist that we come over to her place but I don't see why we should lug all of the junk we need up stairs to keep the kids entertained when she can drive over in less than a minute. She's always "too busy" (weight watcher's meeting, TV shows, cleaning her apartment, doing laundry.... seriously, I'm not kidding- these are her excuses for not seeing them for almost 2 weeks sometimes) to come over, so we don't ask anymore. I start to feel bad and try again to get her over here. I've asked her over to swim in our pool, over for dinner... nope. She's too busy. She has the nerve to tell people that she never see her grand kids because we are never home, even though I tell her to call me at least a couple of hours before she wants to come over so I can make sure we aren't out running around and are home. Does she do that? Rarely.
Anyway-After we get back from dinner, Emma climbs right into the baby pool that Jason (the cousin) has out for his 19 month old. Anna and the younger girls chase each other around with sand pails full of water, getting each other wet. I don't see what happens next but the MIL took a pail- literally snatched from what I was told- and filled it up then proceeded to throw the pail full of water FULL FORCE into Anna's face seconds after Anna did an about face. Anna didn't know that her grandmother even had a pail and was standing behind her, so she screamed in pain from the dirty water hitting her in the eyes full force, then choked because she inhaled water after screaming. She was completely soaked and could see.
The MIL grabbed her arm and was saying, "OH, you're fine, you're fine."
I ran over after I heard Anna scream, and pushed the MIL out of the way, and took sobbing Anna inside and changed her into dry clothes. The whole time I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. What made me so angry was that the MIL wasn't even involved in the water play with the kids, and she just all of a sudden gets up and does that to Anna. She didn't do it to the GF's kids because she knows that the GF would have chewed her a new one. The MIL didn't do it to her favorite grandchild because Emma is only 2 years old... so she does it to Anna? Or did she do it because she was mad that Anna had barely interacted with her all night? I say this because the MIL has behaved very childishly in the past when this has happened, and even was mean verbally to Anna after that, also saying things loudly for Anna to hear to try to make her feel guilty.
When I came back inside (after cursing under my breath for several minutes) I contemplated asking the MIL if she would like to hold Emma's head under the water of the baby pool next, but I didn't, I walked in the opposite directions. Meanwhile the MIL's sister tried to make weak excuses for her sister like Anna just happened to turn at the wrong time.
It doesn't matter to me. I didn't see what happened unfortunately but I wouldn't put it past my MIL to do something like that out of anger because Anna had only spoken to her in passing. Any way you shake it, if I was Anna's grandma I would never dump a whole bucket of water on a 6 year old, and I especially would not aim the water at a 6 year old's head - front or back. Normal grandma's don't do things like that. This is something that my nut case mother would do.
Also, there is no point in me even asking the MIL what happened because I know for fact that she lies. There have been many times that John and have caught her in lies that she has told to make herself look better - if not blameless. So I know for certain that i wont get the truth out of her. The MIL's sister likes to defend family any time they are put in a bad lime light so I know that even though she may have seen the whole thing, she will distort it so her sister looks like she did nothing wrong.
Which all really saddens me because a 6 year old is involved here... a 6 year old that is FAMILY.
So, now I am having second thoughts about the MIL watching my girls since she has shown bad judgment in the past. Not to mention the time I came home while the MIL was babysitting to find Emma standing in our large picture window in the living room, wrapping a card from the blinds around her neck, meanwhile my MIL sat there oblivious watching tv... for over a minute. Just to prove a point I stood there and watched Emma until the point it could have gotten dangerous (Emma never got the cord around her neck , only on the sides, but when she started getting it around her neck, I banged on the window and told her she better stop that and get off the window seat), my MIL insisted that she was just on her way over to to get Emma. I told her that I had been standing there for almost a minute so that was a lie and she denied it even though John backed me up.
I am ashamed to admit that when we are in a crunch, despite the incidents in the past, we have had her watch the kids. No more. I just don't think she is capable of doing what is right for my kids anymore.
To top all of that off, Matt's GF told me last night that the MIL said yesterday, "I might as well move back to Texas because I'm not ALLOWED TO BE A GRANDMOTHER HERE."
This made me so angry all i could do was sputter and stammer. I couldn't even get a whole sentence out.
Then yesterday the MIL was mad at the GF's daughter and the MIL's sister's grand daughter and she threatened to spank her sister's grand daughter all for eating ice cream after they had a late breakfast. The MIL said the GF's youngest was being disrepectful after the MIL yelled at them, and the GF"s youngest said, "But my mom said we could have some."
When the GF tried to find out what happened, the MIL threw her keys across the room, put her shoulder down and shouldered through the GF and bumped her really hard, then went into the bathroom and slammed the door. Then when my BIL came home from picking up his video camera at my house, she talked all sweet to my BIL and sat there and acted like nothing happened. NUTS! She is acting so much like my mother.
Again, very erratic behavior, not to mention childish... I just don't think I can trust her to take care of my kids while I am gone to Reno to see my sister next week. John has a new charting system going in in the hospital he works IT at, so he is only supposed to take one day off at a time, and that is why we asked the MIL to take off one day. That way she could watch the kids on next Friday and John could watch them the Monday after. The MIL decided to take both days off, so John didn't take any days off. I told John that I would rather not go on my trip than to have the MIL watch them, and her watching them is completely out of the question. I know her feelings will be hurt but I have to think of my kids first.
BUT, I also told John that he better not NOT tell his mother so as to avoid confrontation, and that I hoped that since this was different circumstances that his boss would let him take the extra day. If not... I'm not going. :( I hope everything works out and I can go... we'll be out 300.00 for tickets but I'm not going to trust my children to be safe in the hands of someone who obviously can't think straight enough to behave appropriately.
If you're still reading this... thanks! I hope to get back to being more positive soon ;)
Except when the MIL is involved. Yes- I am about to talk about HER again... but only because she insists on general MIL-ness and insanity. Daddy Forever has a neighbor named The Butthead, I may have to steal this from him. ;)
Before I delve into the recent insanity, let me just say that I have been very distracted about blogging recently. I have been having trouble even sitting down to read... I'm so nervous and excited about going out to see my sister IN ONE WEEK! So I am sorry that I have been absent the last month, and I just wanted to say to all my regular reads to please forgive me for not being around more... it's nothing personal. I still heart all of you, it's just that I have been a bit of a mess lately.
Anna starts school 2 days after I get back from my trip so we had to get all of her school preparations squared away. I've been trying to get things ready for when I'm gone for only 4 1/2 days but everything is second nature to me, I'm here with the kids all day. John is pretty good at all of it but I want to make things easier on him. On top of that I'm just listless.
Anywhoo... My BIL brought his long time girl friend and her 2 daughters that live with him, plus his girl friend's niece. They are all staying at the MIL's apartment. From the get go, MIL has been following them around the apartment saying "what are you doing, don't do that, who said you could eat that..." and just generally upsetting the GF and her children. On top of that the MIL kind of picks on the youngest who is 12. As it turns out, since my BIL used to live with the MIL (meaning she was going to buy a house that she couldn't afford so she asked her younger son to help her with the mortgage payments while living with her) that the MIL has a looooong history of being mean and cruel to the GF and her children , even though Matt has been with her over 6 years and has lived with her for over 2.
One incident involved the MIL babysitting for Matt and the GF... the MIL grabbed the youngest (who was probably only 7 or 8 at the time) by the arm, digging her nails in hissing at her. The little one told her mom and Matt (my BIL) about it and the MIL denied it and called the little one a liar... then proceeded to tell the GF that it was HER house and if she didn't like she could leave.
Two days ago, we went out to see John and Matt's cousin who lives 35 minutes from us. The second I got there and sat down in the living room, my MIL started in on me.
"WE went here to day, WE went there... WE did this and WE did that and WE had such a great time." All of which I just forced a smile at. I know it's all a lie because every time i see the GF, she tells me how miserable the MIL is making everyone, so it's not all peachy like she is pretending.
"ME and THE GIRLS are going to the pool..." As in "You're not invited". I sigh and say nothing.
"Matt was telling ME AGAIN what a mistake it was for me to have moved back up here (She says for the 100th time and likes to remind us every chance she gets...She moved from Texas almost 2 years ago , supposedly so she could see her grandchildren every day, which you may know does NOT happen at all)..." OK , this is about where I start to fume.
So I say, "What does, Matt yell at you about this EVERY time he sees you?"
"Well... *scrambling for words* It's just that- ummm, well he always reminds me that he tried to get me to add on to the house (while he was living with her, with his money) or fix up the garage... but I keep telling him that I just don't REMEMBER any of that.*fake and uncomfortable smile*
*for the 20th time she tells me* I still get on him about the fact that he never told me he knew how to do all of that stuff- you know, electrical, drywall, plumbing... He could have saved us a lot of money and done it (all of the improvements she had done to her kitchen which was almost a total remodel... by a bankruptcy client- of all people- from the firm she worked at as a bankruptcy legal assistant ) all himself."
"Well, I would imagine that it's not a good idea to go into home remodeling with your own mother. All you would have done is argue," I say.
"Well, we did argue because Matt didn't like the way the guy was doing everything..."
"I'm just saying that you guys would have argued even more if he had been doing all of the work, so that's probably why he didn't tell you he knew how to do any of that."
She is silent for about 2 minutes, and I figure the conversation is over.
"Well ,*not looking at me and looking down at her hands, oh crap she's going into guilt mode. I can just tell* at least I know my brother is always there for me if I need him... and I hope he knows that I am always there for him."
That's good- I say.
"I thought I have always been there for my children, but OBVIOUSLY NOT."
At this point I do what I always do to refrain from getting into a cat fight with the woman- and to let her know that she is not in control and I refuse to be manipulated, I get up and walk away.
As I am walking away, she adds, "Why don't you just drop it!"
I stop for a moment with my back to her, incredulous... but try to disguise my shock by pretending that I got up to throw my gum away. Me? Drop it? I hadn't said a word once she started her guilt trip. Instead of just leaving the room, I announce to my husband- who is in the kitchen I am walking through- that I am leaving the house in it's entirety, and flash him that sarcastic smile that can mean only one thing... I am about to kill HER.
Later, we all are leaving to go to the local pizza place to eat dinner and my MIL is standing outside and scowling. She sees Anna walking out of the house and I can tell that she is waiting to see if Anna acknowledges her, which Anna does in passing. Anna is clearly uncomfortable that her grandmother is scowling at her and says a weak "hi nana" as she passes. My MIL does this sometimes because she is jealous that my girls will pay more attention to other relatives. I have told the MIL in the past that maybe if she came over and saw her grand kids more that every 1 1/2 weeks maybe- just maybe they would acknowledge her more.
As you may or may not know, I have mentioned the fact that we only live 3 or 4 blocks away from her. She has tried to insist that we come over to her place but I don't see why we should lug all of the junk we need up stairs to keep the kids entertained when she can drive over in less than a minute. She's always "too busy" (weight watcher's meeting, TV shows, cleaning her apartment, doing laundry.... seriously, I'm not kidding- these are her excuses for not seeing them for almost 2 weeks sometimes) to come over, so we don't ask anymore. I start to feel bad and try again to get her over here. I've asked her over to swim in our pool, over for dinner... nope. She's too busy. She has the nerve to tell people that she never see her grand kids because we are never home, even though I tell her to call me at least a couple of hours before she wants to come over so I can make sure we aren't out running around and are home. Does she do that? Rarely.
Anyway-After we get back from dinner, Emma climbs right into the baby pool that Jason (the cousin) has out for his 19 month old. Anna and the younger girls chase each other around with sand pails full of water, getting each other wet. I don't see what happens next but the MIL took a pail- literally snatched from what I was told- and filled it up then proceeded to throw the pail full of water FULL FORCE into Anna's face seconds after Anna did an about face. Anna didn't know that her grandmother even had a pail and was standing behind her, so she screamed in pain from the dirty water hitting her in the eyes full force, then choked because she inhaled water after screaming. She was completely soaked and could see.
The MIL grabbed her arm and was saying, "OH, you're fine, you're fine."
I ran over after I heard Anna scream, and pushed the MIL out of the way, and took sobbing Anna inside and changed her into dry clothes. The whole time I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. What made me so angry was that the MIL wasn't even involved in the water play with the kids, and she just all of a sudden gets up and does that to Anna. She didn't do it to the GF's kids because she knows that the GF would have chewed her a new one. The MIL didn't do it to her favorite grandchild because Emma is only 2 years old... so she does it to Anna? Or did she do it because she was mad that Anna had barely interacted with her all night? I say this because the MIL has behaved very childishly in the past when this has happened, and even was mean verbally to Anna after that, also saying things loudly for Anna to hear to try to make her feel guilty.
When I came back inside (after cursing under my breath for several minutes) I contemplated asking the MIL if she would like to hold Emma's head under the water of the baby pool next, but I didn't, I walked in the opposite directions. Meanwhile the MIL's sister tried to make weak excuses for her sister like Anna just happened to turn at the wrong time.
It doesn't matter to me. I didn't see what happened unfortunately but I wouldn't put it past my MIL to do something like that out of anger because Anna had only spoken to her in passing. Any way you shake it, if I was Anna's grandma I would never dump a whole bucket of water on a 6 year old, and I especially would not aim the water at a 6 year old's head - front or back. Normal grandma's don't do things like that. This is something that my nut case mother would do.
Also, there is no point in me even asking the MIL what happened because I know for fact that she lies. There have been many times that John and have caught her in lies that she has told to make herself look better - if not blameless. So I know for certain that i wont get the truth out of her. The MIL's sister likes to defend family any time they are put in a bad lime light so I know that even though she may have seen the whole thing, she will distort it so her sister looks like she did nothing wrong.
Which all really saddens me because a 6 year old is involved here... a 6 year old that is FAMILY.
So, now I am having second thoughts about the MIL watching my girls since she has shown bad judgment in the past. Not to mention the time I came home while the MIL was babysitting to find Emma standing in our large picture window in the living room, wrapping a card from the blinds around her neck, meanwhile my MIL sat there oblivious watching tv... for over a minute. Just to prove a point I stood there and watched Emma until the point it could have gotten dangerous (Emma never got the cord around her neck , only on the sides, but when she started getting it around her neck, I banged on the window and told her she better stop that and get off the window seat), my MIL insisted that she was just on her way over to to get Emma. I told her that I had been standing there for almost a minute so that was a lie and she denied it even though John backed me up.
I am ashamed to admit that when we are in a crunch, despite the incidents in the past, we have had her watch the kids. No more. I just don't think she is capable of doing what is right for my kids anymore.
To top all of that off, Matt's GF told me last night that the MIL said yesterday, "I might as well move back to Texas because I'm not ALLOWED TO BE A GRANDMOTHER HERE."
This made me so angry all i could do was sputter and stammer. I couldn't even get a whole sentence out.
Then yesterday the MIL was mad at the GF's daughter and the MIL's sister's grand daughter and she threatened to spank her sister's grand daughter all for eating ice cream after they had a late breakfast. The MIL said the GF's youngest was being disrepectful after the MIL yelled at them, and the GF"s youngest said, "But my mom said we could have some."
When the GF tried to find out what happened, the MIL threw her keys across the room, put her shoulder down and shouldered through the GF and bumped her really hard, then went into the bathroom and slammed the door. Then when my BIL came home from picking up his video camera at my house, she talked all sweet to my BIL and sat there and acted like nothing happened. NUTS! She is acting so much like my mother.
Again, very erratic behavior, not to mention childish... I just don't think I can trust her to take care of my kids while I am gone to Reno to see my sister next week. John has a new charting system going in in the hospital he works IT at, so he is only supposed to take one day off at a time, and that is why we asked the MIL to take off one day. That way she could watch the kids on next Friday and John could watch them the Monday after. The MIL decided to take both days off, so John didn't take any days off. I told John that I would rather not go on my trip than to have the MIL watch them, and her watching them is completely out of the question. I know her feelings will be hurt but I have to think of my kids first.
BUT, I also told John that he better not NOT tell his mother so as to avoid confrontation, and that I hoped that since this was different circumstances that his boss would let him take the extra day. If not... I'm not going. :( I hope everything works out and I can go... we'll be out 300.00 for tickets but I'm not going to trust my children to be safe in the hands of someone who obviously can't think straight enough to behave appropriately.
If you're still reading this... thanks! I hope to get back to being more positive soon ;)
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