Yesterday, my brother called me to inform me that the other "hatchling" (from the egg donor) had found him on myspace. If you read this post you might remember me mentioning that I have a half sister that my mother gave up for adoption before I was born. She is only 13-14 months older than me (which is less than I had originally thought, I had thought 15-19 months), so she was 3 or 4 months old when my mother got pregnant again.
According to the egg donor (my mother- we call her that sometimes because calling her mother and mom makes my brother and I uncomfortable, and well, she doesn't deserve the title), when she met my real father (whom we shall refer to as the "jerk", sorry, having a bad day today since all of this is intertwined) she was already pregnant with my sister. My mother had already had my older brother by this time because she had gotten preggers in high school, and he was probably about 2 1/2 to 3 years old. So the jerk supposedly wanted to marry her but said that it was either him or the baby.
My younger brother Ben had talked to the jerk about 10- 12 years ago and according to the jerk- he had told my mother that he couldn't afford to take care of 2 kids, and the baby would probably be better off.
On a side note- Either way, I was told by the egg donor that I was hated before I was born because the jerk accused my mother of cheating on him and that I wasn't his baby. He beat her while she was pregnant, and I guess in her twisted brain she believe that it was somehow the fault of her unborn child- me. I was also told that because of all of this, and the fact that i was unwanted, that my mother *poor her* struggled to love me my whole life.
In a way this makes sense in that my father really didn't want more kids, and here she was pregnant again.Whose fault exactly that I am here on this earth... well we'll never know because I don't plan on speaking to either of my genetic donors ever again.
Anyway, fast forward to the day that Princess Diana died. I remember that day well and it is burned in my memory. Just minutes before I had learned of her tragic death while checking the vitals on my ICU patient and the TV blaring in the back ground. I get a phone call at the desk, which is very unusual because I don't normally work in the ICU, I just float there at times. It's my mother, and she tells me to sit down, She then tells me that my sister Stephanie (the name my mother had given her at birth, but later her name was changed by her adoptive parents to Marci) has found my mother. I'm afraid I don't really remember the details of how she found my mother- I think I was stunned.
Unbelievably, she only lives about 40 minutes from me, in the Sacramento area. I'm so happy at the news, I can't even express it... all my life I had wanted a sister, and at the age of about 10 my mother had told us what had happened. I finally had my sister! I was finally going to meet the sister that I imagined at times, and when I would see a woman who looked like me while we lived in California, my heart would pound at the thought that that could be her.
The next day I think I talked to Marci, and we planned to meet, she was going to drive out to meet me and John. Though the meeting went well, and I got to meet my two nieces, I could tell that underneath it all there was a sadness to Marci- who , by the way, looks a lot like my mother. I understood, how could I not? My mother hadn't wasted any time getting pregnant again.
A day or two later John and I had surprised my mother by taking our new car down payment money we had saved for several months and we bought her plane tickets to come out and meet her daughter that she hadn't seen since birth. My mother flew out after we had made plans with Marci to come to her house and spend the night.
The visit was very strained, my mother had bouts of tears and depression, and would "check out" right in front of everyone. To try to explain the situation and why my mother gave her up, codependent me tried to explain to Marci that she was better off without having lived with the jerk. He had molested his own daughter, what would he have done to her? I tried to explain that she had been better off, but was unable to explain the other ways she had been spared. My mother was there, I couldn't exactly explain all of the abuse my brothers and I had suffered over the years at her hand- physically and mentally.
I realize now that it wasn't my place to have said those things to her. It wasn't my place to try to explain away the pain Marci had experienced over the years knowing she was given away. It wasn't my place to be my mother's mouth piece and to try to save things... in my need to be loved and accepted and liked- by both of them... I was trying so hard to mediate between Marci and my mother. In the end I probably just sounded like I was justifying my mother's decision, and I probably even sounded a little condescending, which wasn't my goal.
The next day at Marci's was even more uncomfortable, as the fact that our mother had admitted to me that she felt no connection with Marci at all- that being the reason she had cried when they had embraced for the first time, she was not having the overwhelming feeling of love that she had hoped for. Which is hilarious in itself if you know my history, and my brothers. Overwhelming feelings of love? Who was she kidding? She simply is not capable.
Anyway, my sister was I'm sure confused - who wouldn't be?- and my mother continued to scowl or stare off into space, or pretend like we were all the best of friends... she was the epitome of bipolar.
After my mother left and went home, she had plenty of opportunity to talk to Marci on the phone. I was accused of being a liar and saying horrible things to my sister. My mother accused me of being a liar when I denied all of the horrible things I was supposed to have said to my sister. I told my mother that she needed to get a grip. She had known me for 27 years... had she ever known me to stir up drama and lie like that?
At this point the fact that my mother could have been making it all up in her crazy little brain did not occur to me. my brothers and I had been told all of our lives that above all she hated lying. She always told the truth because of this... so if we told her she was wrong about something she would go into a rage and beat us. This is how we learned that for as long as we lived with her (and it turns out many years after, until I learned to stand up for myself) that we were not to have an opinion of our own. if we wanted to survive we believed what she believed and kept our mouths shut.
Because of my mother's and my sister's (alleged) accusations, I cut off communication with both of them. When I reconciled with my mother, she was suddenly on my side and was telling me more horrible things my sister had said about me- including that I was immature to let my real father's (the jerk) sexual abuse still affect me... I was so angry I wrote Marci a letter telling her to leave me alone. I wrote that she was lucky to have escaped the abuse from both of my parents, including the man who would have been her step father, the bastard. I told her that if she wanted a real relationship with me I would consider it... because I had always wanted her. All of my life I had longed for a sister, and when I found out about her... I WANTED HER. I had always hoped that one day we would somehow find each other.
Now all of this is coming back to me. My sister found my younger brother on myspace. Ben called me and asked me what i thought, yesterday. I said that if he gets a good feeling about it, to go for it. We both agreed that there was a large chance that our mother had lied and given us misinformation about Marci, and it was possible that our mother had been trying to sabotage us. I said that I thought about her often, and wondered if we could have a relationship... and that there were times I wanted to find her and try again. Ben said he would put the feelers out there and see if she was interested in hearing from me too.
Ben and I are all that we have left of our immediate family since our older brother only wants to have a relationship with us when it's convenient for him, then we don't hear from him for another year. Neither of us speak to the bastard or the egg donor. We have our Aunt Yvonne outside of our immediate family,thank GOD- who is my mother's sister.
I would love to have her in my life, I would love to start over and have the sister that i always wanted. Sure, I expect it will be touch and go at first... I understand her feelings from the past towards me. (which I don't even know if it is real... it could be just more lies from the egg donor) I would want to start over with a clean slate...
I guess we will see, huh?