Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Sooooo... this is interesting.***Very loooong****

Yesterday, my brother called me to inform me that the other "hatchling" (from the egg donor) had found him on myspace. If you read this post you might remember me mentioning that I have a half sister that my mother gave up for adoption before I was born. She is only 13-14 months older than me (which is less than I had originally thought, I had thought 15-19 months), so she was 3 or 4 months old when my mother got pregnant again.

According to the egg donor (my mother- we call her that sometimes because calling her mother and mom makes my brother and I uncomfortable, and well, she doesn't deserve the title), when she met my real father (whom we shall refer to as the "jerk", sorry, having a bad day today since all of this is intertwined) she was already pregnant with my sister. My mother had already had my older brother by this time because she had gotten preggers in high school, and he was probably about 2 1/2 to 3 years old. So the jerk supposedly wanted to marry her but said that it was either him or the baby.

My younger brother Ben had talked to the jerk about 10- 12 years ago and according to the jerk- he had told my mother that he couldn't afford to take care of 2 kids, and the baby would probably be better off.

On a side note- Either way, I was told by the egg donor that I was hated before I was born because the jerk accused my mother of cheating on him and that I wasn't his baby. He beat her while she was pregnant, and I guess in her twisted brain she believe that it was somehow the fault of her unborn child- me. I was also told that because of all of this, and the fact that i was unwanted, that my mother *poor her* struggled to love me my whole life.

In a way this makes sense in that my father really didn't want more kids, and here she was pregnant again.Whose fault exactly that I am here on this earth... well we'll never know because I don't plan on speaking to either of my genetic donors ever again.

Anyway, fast forward to the day that Princess Diana died. I remember that day well and it is burned in my memory. Just minutes before I had learned of her tragic death while checking the vitals on my ICU patient and the TV blaring in the back ground. I get a phone call at the desk, which is very unusual because I don't normally work in the ICU, I just float there at times. It's my mother, and she tells me to sit down, She then tells me that my sister Stephanie (the name my mother had given her at birth, but later her name was changed by her adoptive parents to Marci) has found my mother. I'm afraid I don't really remember the details of how she found my mother- I think I was stunned.

Unbelievably, she only lives about 40 minutes from me, in the Sacramento area. I'm so happy at the news, I can't even express it... all my life I had wanted a sister, and at the age of about 10 my mother had told us what had happened. I finally had my sister! I was finally going to meet the sister that I imagined at times, and when I would see a woman who looked like me while we lived in California, my heart would pound at the thought that that could be her.

The next day I think I talked to Marci, and we planned to meet, she was going to drive out to meet me and John. Though the meeting went well, and I got to meet my two nieces, I could tell that underneath it all there was a sadness to Marci- who , by the way, looks a lot like my mother. I understood, how could I not? My mother hadn't wasted any time getting pregnant again.

A day or two later John and I had surprised my mother by taking our new car down payment money we had saved for several months and we bought her plane tickets to come out and meet her daughter that she hadn't seen since birth. My mother flew out after we had made plans with Marci to come to her house and spend the night.

The visit was very strained, my mother had bouts of tears and depression, and would "check out" right in front of everyone. To try to explain the situation and why my mother gave her up, codependent me tried to explain to Marci that she was better off without having lived with the jerk. He had molested his own daughter, what would he have done to her? I tried to explain that she had been better off, but was unable to explain the other ways she had been spared. My mother was there, I couldn't exactly explain all of the abuse my brothers and I had suffered over the years at her hand- physically and mentally.

I realize now that it wasn't my place to have said those things to her. It wasn't my place to try to explain away the pain Marci had experienced over the years knowing she was given away. It wasn't my place to be my mother's mouth piece and to try to save things... in my need to be loved and accepted and liked- by both of them... I was trying so hard to mediate between Marci and my mother. In the end I probably just sounded like I was justifying my mother's decision, and I probably even sounded a little condescending, which wasn't my goal.

The next day at Marci's was even more uncomfortable, as the fact that our mother had admitted to me that she felt no connection with Marci at all- that being the reason she had cried when they had embraced for the first time, she was not having the overwhelming feeling of love that she had hoped for. Which is hilarious in itself if you know my history, and my brothers. Overwhelming feelings of love? Who was she kidding? She simply is not capable.

Anyway, my sister was I'm sure confused - who wouldn't be?- and my mother continued to scowl or stare off into space, or pretend like we were all the best of friends... she was the epitome of bipolar.

After my mother left and went home, she had plenty of opportunity to talk to Marci on the phone. I was accused of being a liar and saying horrible things to my sister. My mother accused me of being a liar when I denied all of the horrible things I was supposed to have said to my sister. I told my mother that she needed to get a grip. She had known me for 27 years... had she ever known me to stir up drama and lie like that?

At this point the fact that my mother could have been making it all up in her crazy little brain did not occur to me. my brothers and I had been told all of our lives that above all she hated lying. She always told the truth because of this... so if we told her she was wrong about something she would go into a rage and beat us. This is how we learned that for as long as we lived with her (and it turns out many years after, until I learned to stand up for myself) that we were not to have an opinion of our own. if we wanted to survive we believed what she believed and kept our mouths shut.

Because of my mother's and my sister's (alleged) accusations, I cut off communication with both of them. When I reconciled with my mother, she was suddenly on my side and was telling me more horrible things my sister had said about me- including that I was immature to let my real father's (the jerk) sexual abuse still affect me... I was so angry I wrote Marci a letter telling her to leave me alone. I wrote that she was lucky to have escaped the abuse from both of my parents, including the man who would have been her step father, the bastard. I told her that if she wanted a real relationship with me I would consider it... because I had always wanted her. All of my life I had longed for a sister, and when I found out about her... I WANTED HER. I had always hoped that one day we would somehow find each other.

Now all of this is coming back to me. My sister found my younger brother on myspace. Ben called me and asked me what i thought, yesterday. I said that if he gets a good feeling about it, to go for it. We both agreed that there was a large chance that our mother had lied and given us misinformation about Marci, and it was possible that our mother had been trying to sabotage us. I said that I thought about her often, and wondered if we could have a relationship... and that there were times I wanted to find her and try again. Ben said he would put the feelers out there and see if she was interested in hearing from me too.

Ben and I are all that we have left of our immediate family since our older brother only wants to have a relationship with us when it's convenient for him, then we don't hear from him for another year. Neither of us speak to the bastard or the egg donor. We have our Aunt Yvonne outside of our immediate family,thank GOD- who is my mother's sister.

I would love to have her in my life, I would love to start over and have the sister that i always wanted. Sure, I expect it will be touch and go at first... I understand her feelings from the past towards me. (which I don't even know if it is real... it could be just more lies from the egg donor) I would want to start over with a clean slate...

I guess we will see, huh?


Anonymous said...

Miz Mert, I am aching for you right now. If you don't hear from her soon, don't take it to heart, remember that she probably got a full dose of poison from the egg donor, and it may take a loooong time to get that out of her system.
If she still doesn't recognize what a gift you are, she may be too damaged by her own experiences to ever embrace the good things in life. You can be MY sister and we'll rule the world (or at least the Dorkiverse).

{{{a thousand hugs}}}

xoxo, Jen Factor 10

Mert said...

I am reposting Michelle's comment because it was saved to duplicate post. :D

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

Wow! What a tough situation for all of you. You're such a wonderful person and I can see that you're trying to see Marci's point of view in things too and I think that she's the one missing out if she doesn't contact you and begin a sisterly relationship with drama...well, all families have some drama so let's say minimal drama! :) Keep me posted, I hope for the best for you.

Slackermommy said...

Oh girl! You know I so can relate. I wish I had good advice for you but I can't sort out my own bullshit. Love ya girl.

maggie said...

That's hard. I have no advice. I suck at advice for one and my mother thinks I need to go to therapy with her because of "our relationship". Just hang in there and wait it out and see where it goes. baby steps.

wolfbaby said...

That hurts either way you go..

good luck.

Kelly - PTT said...

Okay - it took me two visits to get through the whole post, but I'm glad I did. I really hope this all works out for you. Really.

I have 11 half brothers and sisters that I developed relationships with as an adult. And I'm really glad I did. They're amazing people. There's still baggage (though nothing like the baggage you're dealing with), and I'm really out of the loop in some ways, but I'm so happy to have them in my life.

Best wishes to you, Mary!

Marie said...

Oh wow, I cannot begin to understand how you feel and I feel for you just reading what you have gone through, but maybe she will be able to understand you more through your brother and be able to grow a friendship with you that blossoms into a great sisters relationship. BTW Sunday, 31 August 1997 is the day Princess Diana is burned into my brain...

crse said...

She died in the middle of the night. (here) Was it still saturday out there? I hope this helps. I have a step s-i-l who I was friends with before we ever became related. When My step mother and father got married steppie drove a huge wedge between sil and i that we did not speak for three years. Once we started having kids, we started talking again. It was slow going at first but now we are as close as sisters and she is one of my best friends and my biggest supports. Follow your instincts sunshine. And if you start to get worried about ben's loyalty TALK TO HIM. He sounds like a great guy and I think he will have your back. Good luck baby and keep us posted. And Im inviting myself to join the sisterhood of you and jenn!

Anti Yvonne said...

Hi Mary,
I hope it all works out for you, Ben and Marci.
You and Ben need to stick together, you always have. No matter what, stick together. If she contacts either one of you, and you start telling life stories make sure you both tell them alike, remember bi-polar runs in the family and you don't know if she has it and to what degree. Bi-polar people can hear one thing and make it out to be something so different, i.e. egg donor.
I love you both so much that I want you to be safe and not get your hearts crushed by another family member.
Anti Yvonne

Judy Thomas said...

I hope things work out for you. I've recently found out I have two half-brothers I never knew about. I doubt if I'll contact them though. Families can be tough. I've friended you on MySpace. Just know... whatever happens with your half-sister, you have people here who love you.

Karianne said...

You know, I had to give up the whole myspace drama as it turned out to be. I still have my profile, but it was just too much stress accepting friends and such. I really should have set it to private, yet in the end, I don't check it anymore. OK, maybe once every 6 months, but it was too much work. It took over my life.

You poor thing. Your stomach must be in knots with all of this.

winterskibunny said...

You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. The fact that you are so open and aware is very helpful in this situation (where others might not be).

Noone realizes what other peoples are going through with their families until they talk about it like this. You are also helping others going through these similar experiences, because most people with these experiences aren't going to go up to a stranger on a street and start commiserating (sp?).

Good luck, you are doing a good job, and just realize you are traveling in unknown waters doing the best you can at this moment in time:)

Daddy Forever said...

What an interesting family you have. Almost like a soap. So sorry. I don't have a great relationship with my parents or brother, but I don't have a bad one either. Very boring actually.

yes, it was a very long post. I actually started on Wed but didn't finish until today (my son woke up and I had to retuck him in).