In her last message, Marci filled me in on what's been going on in her life since we last spoke 10 years ago. I wrote her back... and though I wanted to share with her my life's progress report too, I felt like there was something that I needed to get off of my chest. Life is too short, I don't want to waste another moment. Here is what I wrote to her...
Hi sis,So, there you have it. I'm playing for keeps this time. Like I said, I'm getting too old for heart ache and drama... I want more.
I was telling Katie in a message that I thought it was so cool that you and Ben have a boy named Matthew! I bet they do keep you busy! I have 2 girls... sometimes just for a second I have those "awww, a baby" thoughts but then my girls bring me back to reality. They are high maintenance . I have people tell me all the time that their kids are nothing a like... and I'm in awe that my kids couldn't be MORE a like. Anna is my mini me, and Emma is her's... so John is the one that really has his hands full I suppose! *snort!*
I'm really sorry that your mom is sick... I wish I was able to get to know her better. I know how hard it is to watch a family member go like that. John's dad died of lung cancer that metastasized to the brain. The last month of his life he lived here in our house and we helped my sister in law (and RN) take care of him. Please know that I will keep your mom and you in my prayers.
I completely understand your thoughts about finding and reconnecting with family... mortality has a weird way of making us figure out what is really important, doesn't it? I have a best friend that lives in California, and there were times that we fought like cats and dogs. We even fought after I moved to Iowa 6 years ago. Now we look back and ask each other what the heck was all the fuss about. Some of the stuff we fought about was just silly. Effie and I agree that we are older and (somewhat) wiser, and we can see the mistakes we made with an excruciating clarity.
So you have a situation like me and you, then throw our mother into the mix (which by the way, Ben and I have agreed to keep talk about her to an absolute minimum with you- we don't want to scare you off ;) ... but it's overwhelming I know... If you ever want to talk about her... Ben and I are definitely here to commiserate with ya)... well, things got a little crazy.
I was so worried that maybe you just wanted to connect with Ben, and at first I didn't want to get in the way. Then I thought "Heck, this is my sister too. She might be just as confused about the past as I am... I am going to step up to the plate and let her know I'm here for her too".
See, I don't know if I ever got to tell you this. I ALWAYS wanted a sister. Before our mother told us about you, I just always felt like there was a piece of me missing, I can't explain it. I could imagine all the cool things my sister and I would do like share our clothes and just love each other. I had a doll I named Stephanie (your birth name right?), she was my favorite doll. I had decided that Stephanie would be my daughters name if I ever had one.
When our mother told us about you, I was young probably about 10. Marci, I can't tell you how happy -and yet sad- I was when I found out that you were out there. I had a sister out there... the sister I had always wanted.
Living in California was weird for me sometimes. I had this feeling you were still in California and there were times that I saw a woman that looked like me... and my heart would thump and race at the thought that it could be you.
Anyway... not being dramatic I promise (the drama gene does run in the family, I hate to tell ya!), I just wanted you to know that you were wanted. Even though I didn't know what you looked like, or what your laugh sounded like, if you were happy... if you ever wished you had a sister too- I imagined you a lot. Before I knew about you and after she told us. I have longed for you my whole life, and when all that stuff happened... it about crushed me.
I'm too old to miss a chance like this again. I hope I have learned from the past, and like you said- I think I'm a little smarter now.
I WANT YOU and always have.
Love you sis, Mary
PS- I'm choked up right now so I'll write more about my updates on me and family later. I promise. Just to warn you, I'm a crier. I cry at commercials, heehee... so don't be surprised if when we get to talk to each other for the first time, if I get teary. :D
Don't we all?