Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I Mourn For The Child That Was Me

I wrote this today, after trying to find some photos... I was saddened a bit by what I saw before me, in the form of photographs. I actually have had the title run through my brain for years now, it's as though I was finally able to get past that line. I hope you see that despite the beginning, I worked through it. I hope that you too will hope, and that you feel inspired.

I Mourn For The Child That Was Me

I mourn for the child that was me.
Photographs of forced smiles,
They are time stamps of lies
And memories of hidden pain.

I mourn for pictures that should be,
Of happy days gone by.
Instead there are sad eyes,
And memories of scorn and disdain.

I mourn for the child that was me,
For what should have been
And what could have been,
(A mother’s love and devotion).

I mourn for not feeling more free,
And for the loss of whole days.
I am angry and amazed
At these feelings and vile emotions.

I mourn for the child that was me.
I often ask myself why,
And my mind falls just shy
Of making sense of her choice.

I rejoice for the woman that is me.
I am breaking the chain
And the cycle of pain.
For once I will hear my own voice.

I rejoice for the woman that is me.
I looked for my mother,
In her place I found another,
My search has led me to me.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Park it

Yesterday it was so nice outside. A bit on the warm side for April, actually, but it cooled off in the evening. John stopped by to grab some Dew a little after lunch time, I asked if we could take the kids to the park after work, he said Yeah.

I was suddenly inspired! I made a small picnic and gathered outdoor toys for the girls. We had a really nice time. I know to some people that may sound routine, but we aren't as spontaneous as we used to be. We get a little crazy and splurge on Chinese food occasionally. Wooohooo.

I guess it could be we are a little older, and having 2 small children takes a little more planning. It could also be that the older we get, the more tree rooted in stubbornness we get. We are only 36 and 39, are we becoming crotchety already?

Anyway, there is nothing like eating outside, food always tastes so much better for some reason. I wonder why that is. Hmmm, must be what they say is true... all that fresh air (and not the stale baby fart air at home). We played on the swings and kicked the ball around, and Emma made a sport of falling while hugging her new orange Bugs Bunny ball.

I think the best part of the evening was giving the girls a bath together for the third time. The fact that it went relatively smoothly, and without blood or tear shed was sweet. Emma sat between Anna's outstretched legs after being washed up, and they actually shared toys.

And the fact that John and I, (aside from washing the youngins) accomplished absolutely nothing, left me feeling completely satisfied.