Today I had someone ask me if Jacob is going to be in kindergarten next year, and after I said yes she asked with a hint malice," Well, what are you going to do with yourself then?"
You see, I am a stay at home mom. Not because I believe I am better than anyone else, or find that though we have sacrificed greatly for me to stay at home with our babies that my sacrifices are greater than those of anyone else. I simply did what I thought was best for MY kids.
So many things ran through my mind in a matter of seconds. I want to snap back that I would probably CONTINUE to do the thousands of things I do every day, you know like laundry, cooking and general cleaning up for 4 other people. I would continue with the tedium of clipping coupons to scrimp since we are on one income, shopping for the best deals and sales to stretch our income, agonizing over bills and sticking to a budget to buy those groceries, spend bits and pieces of time with my kids, fretting over my jewelry business and struggling to make time for it... day dreaming about creating something with my hands like painting or drawing.
On top of all of those things struggling to get out of bed in the morning because of unbreakable cycle of insomnia... which makes my debilitating fibromyalgia pain and chronic fatigue syndrome much worse. Developing a new heart problem which contributes to the fatigue. Grappling with system crippling allergies that keep me locked inside on the most beautiful of days, and knowing that because of all of these illnesses that I can no longer work and contribute to supporting my family causing depression and anxiety. Knowing that if a dear friend of mine with most of the same illness as me (only worse) is having a hard time getting disability so my chances are very slim... hating that I once was a nurse but can no longer do the job I loved even if I really wanted to and that this was NOT how I planned the last half of my life going...
In mere moments I was knocked down and belittled, angry and confused as to why this person that I haven't seen in almost 6 months would want to verbally snipe me... if only she knew, CARED to retain or bothered to read my status updates, (though I guess honestly despite all this I try not complain on Facebook much because who wants to read that?).
I have been working in some capacity since I was 10 (family business, paper routes, ice cream stands, groceries stores all before I was 18), I have paid my dues as a productive member of society until 14 years ago when I became a stay at home mom. I don't deserve the implications that I sit on my ass all day eating fritos and watching soap operas.
I wanted to respond in kind, I wanted to hurt her back but as unhappy as I felt at that moment and have been feeling for over a year I realized she was probably so much more unhappy than me for wanting to make me feel less than for staying home with my kids at first by choice... and then later out of necessity for health reasons.
I did not glean an ounce of joy from realizing that she was more than likely jealous of the lifestyle she THOUGHT I was living. It didn't make me feel superior that she was most likely very unhappy.
I don't need to match someone else's guidelines or validate my choices... and I certainly do not matter less because I do not or can not hold a job outside of the home. Despite all my unhappiness and longings I still would have left a very lucrative job as a licensed practical nurse in California 14 years ago to move back to John's hometown in Iowa to stay at home to raise Anna myself. I matter, I have and will continue to make a difference if only for my family.
In those moments that probably only took up 30 seconds I replied with a slight smile, in a soft voice, "Yeah, who knows." I let it go.
Long story short (TL;DR) , not every circumstance is an opportunity to level the playing field. Sometimes we need to show a little kindness and walk in someone else's shoes. And sometimes the kindest thing we can do is keep our mouths shut. I really wish for a time when women lift and support one another instead of "sweeping the legs" out from under them Karate Kid style, for very personal choices and very valid reasons that are diminished to presumptions. I hope we can be kinder to each other as humans as a whole because we really never know what is going on behind closed doors and closed hearts.
Showing posts with label Life in general. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life in general. Show all posts
Saturday, May 02, 2015
Monday, June 03, 2013
24 Years Ago
Sometimes it feels like 100 years ago, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I married my soul mate and love of my life.
Our 25+ years together has been bumpy, rocky and sometimes seemingly impassable, but here we are one year shy of our silver anniversary. I can only attribute that to the both of us growing into stronger and more forgiving people, and having faith.
Twenty-five years ago my mother told me we would never last. She blamed John for almost killing me after I was very near death from a tubal pregnancy. She sat my then fiance' down and told him I was damaged goods and he deserved better because I had been sexually abused- right in front of me like I wasn't even there, meanwhile John sat calmly and let her finish, then told her plainly that I had told him EVERYTHING about my childhood. Her sabotage didn't work, thank God, because I had been completely honest with him in our first week of dating.
She made me change my wedding date 4 different times because she had plans, unwilling to change her plans for my wedding. She took control of my wedding planning and told John he could only invite 15 people out of 250 invites because she was going to pay for the reception as a gift. She eventually threw me a wedding shower but then kept all the gifts that I had stored at their house while I was in the Navy, all because John argued that 15 people were not enough from his side. She cancelled the wedding reception, kept my shower gifts AND told me she had prayed and God told her she (and the rest of my family) wasn't allowed to go to the wedding... then lied to my brothers that because I was mad I had uninvited all of them.
My mother's pastor grudgingly held our wedding ceremony in a dirty church with small pieces of lint and paper scraps in the aisle, after my mother - I am sure- told him how I had been disrespectful to her. He didn't look at me a single time during the wedding ceremony, which was certainly rushed and maybe lasted 10-15 minutes. He glanced at John a few times but only looked over my head.
None of my immediate family came to our wedding, but my mother's sister and her family came, including my aunt's in-laws who let us call them "granny" and "gramps" as kids. My art teacher from high school came, I was and still am so very touched she would do that for me. We had navy friends there, and John had quite a few family members that flew and drove from Iowa and Virginia. I had my great grandmother and some high school friends who showed up for me as well.
We had about maybe 40 people show up to our wedding, but some of the guests did not go to the reception. All in all, we spent 1000.00 for our wedding, my off the rack wedding dress costing just under half of that. The rest was spent on flowers, a 2 tier wedding cake and flowers we ordered from a grocery store, and John and his brother's tuxedo rentals. Luckily a family friend and mom of one of my high school classmates had heard about how my mother had treated us and she graciously approached John and I about having our reception at her house near her pool, and she and another family friend bought and cooked the food for us for a measly 100.00. What a blessing that was!
When it came time for the wedding to begin, I almost had a nervous breakdown because John decided that arriving 5 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start was completely appropriate! I figured after all the craziness he has experienced from my family during our 11 month engagement, he had probably gotten cold feet.
I still missed having my family there, but was very thankful for the family that did show up; my aunt and her family, and my art teacher- who secretly I had always wished had been my cool and quirky mom. I was very blessed to have had a father-in-law who had been sweet enough to ask me if he could walk me down the aisle, even though we hadn't met yet.
The first 25 years of our relationship- just like our wedding day- has been bitter sweet, but mostly sweet. I willingly give my husband most of the credit, though. He knows how genuinely messed up I am and loves me despite all of it. He knows me like no other, he knows all of my dark secrets. Every. Single. One. And I am almost positive that I know all of his. We are both damaged from our childhoods. Sometimes we can be rough around the edges but we manage to love each other through it, because we see value in all that we have conquered in the past.
What makes our relationship continue to grow despite rough patches? I think it's because our valleys have been so low at times that it makes the high points that much higher. It's the bitter in the bittersweet that makes it all that much richer and sweeter.
My younger brother told me a few years ago that considering I was the black sheep of the family, he had always thought that I would be the one married 3 times with all sorts of kids. We both had a good laugh out of that since he and my older brother have both been married 3 times each, and here I am chugging along in my imperfect but lengthy marriage.
From meager and troubled beginnings we came... A 19 year old bride and a 21 year old groom.We were talking last night in bed, just an hour into our official 24th anniversary. Looking back, we would have still kept our wedding small if it meant we would do it our way, on our terms.
OR used that 1000.00 to get married in Vegas. *wink*
To my husband, The Male Income Support Unit:
I love you, John. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable, forgiving me when I was unforgivable, and for understanding my crazy from it's deepest roots. Thank you for giving me 3 adorable kids and 25 years.
The first 25 years have been a doozy... I can't wait to see where we go from here! All I can say is it better not involve me getting pregnant again.
Love,
Me
Our 25+ years together has been bumpy, rocky and sometimes seemingly impassable, but here we are one year shy of our silver anniversary. I can only attribute that to the both of us growing into stronger and more forgiving people, and having faith.
Twenty-five years ago my mother told me we would never last. She blamed John for almost killing me after I was very near death from a tubal pregnancy. She sat my then fiance' down and told him I was damaged goods and he deserved better because I had been sexually abused- right in front of me like I wasn't even there, meanwhile John sat calmly and let her finish, then told her plainly that I had told him EVERYTHING about my childhood. Her sabotage didn't work, thank God, because I had been completely honest with him in our first week of dating.
She made me change my wedding date 4 different times because she had plans, unwilling to change her plans for my wedding. She took control of my wedding planning and told John he could only invite 15 people out of 250 invites because she was going to pay for the reception as a gift. She eventually threw me a wedding shower but then kept all the gifts that I had stored at their house while I was in the Navy, all because John argued that 15 people were not enough from his side. She cancelled the wedding reception, kept my shower gifts AND told me she had prayed and God told her she (and the rest of my family) wasn't allowed to go to the wedding... then lied to my brothers that because I was mad I had uninvited all of them.
My mother's pastor grudgingly held our wedding ceremony in a dirty church with small pieces of lint and paper scraps in the aisle, after my mother - I am sure- told him how I had been disrespectful to her. He didn't look at me a single time during the wedding ceremony, which was certainly rushed and maybe lasted 10-15 minutes. He glanced at John a few times but only looked over my head.
None of my immediate family came to our wedding, but my mother's sister and her family came, including my aunt's in-laws who let us call them "granny" and "gramps" as kids. My art teacher from high school came, I was and still am so very touched she would do that for me. We had navy friends there, and John had quite a few family members that flew and drove from Iowa and Virginia. I had my great grandmother and some high school friends who showed up for me as well.
We had about maybe 40 people show up to our wedding, but some of the guests did not go to the reception. All in all, we spent 1000.00 for our wedding, my off the rack wedding dress costing just under half of that. The rest was spent on flowers, a 2 tier wedding cake and flowers we ordered from a grocery store, and John and his brother's tuxedo rentals. Luckily a family friend and mom of one of my high school classmates had heard about how my mother had treated us and she graciously approached John and I about having our reception at her house near her pool, and she and another family friend bought and cooked the food for us for a measly 100.00. What a blessing that was!
When it came time for the wedding to begin, I almost had a nervous breakdown because John decided that arriving 5 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start was completely appropriate! I figured after all the craziness he has experienced from my family during our 11 month engagement, he had probably gotten cold feet.
I still missed having my family there, but was very thankful for the family that did show up; my aunt and her family, and my art teacher- who secretly I had always wished had been my cool and quirky mom. I was very blessed to have had a father-in-law who had been sweet enough to ask me if he could walk me down the aisle, even though we hadn't met yet.
The first 25 years of our relationship- just like our wedding day- has been bitter sweet, but mostly sweet. I willingly give my husband most of the credit, though. He knows how genuinely messed up I am and loves me despite all of it. He knows me like no other, he knows all of my dark secrets. Every. Single. One. And I am almost positive that I know all of his. We are both damaged from our childhoods. Sometimes we can be rough around the edges but we manage to love each other through it, because we see value in all that we have conquered in the past.
What makes our relationship continue to grow despite rough patches? I think it's because our valleys have been so low at times that it makes the high points that much higher. It's the bitter in the bittersweet that makes it all that much richer and sweeter.
My younger brother told me a few years ago that considering I was the black sheep of the family, he had always thought that I would be the one married 3 times with all sorts of kids. We both had a good laugh out of that since he and my older brother have both been married 3 times each, and here I am chugging along in my imperfect but lengthy marriage.
From meager and troubled beginnings we came... A 19 year old bride and a 21 year old groom.We were talking last night in bed, just an hour into our official 24th anniversary. Looking back, we would have still kept our wedding small if it meant we would do it our way, on our terms.
OR used that 1000.00 to get married in Vegas. *wink*
To my husband, The Male Income Support Unit:
I love you, John. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable, forgiving me when I was unforgivable, and for understanding my crazy from it's deepest roots. Thank you for giving me 3 adorable kids and 25 years.
The first 25 years have been a doozy... I can't wait to see where we go from here! All I can say is it better not involve me getting pregnant again.
Love,
Me
Thursday, February 07, 2013
12
My baby is going to be 12 in 21 days. TWELVE.
My oldest child... the beginning of something truly beautiful, a new phase of my life that I thought I would never be lucky enough to experience.
It's been gritty and tortuous being a parent, and at other times soulful and stomach-hugging hilarious.
Today, I realized that my oldest child is so much like me, so much more than I had ever realized. I mean, I had always thought she looked a little more like me and we share a eerily similar sense of humor. We inflect on words the same, and our laughs can be the same growly, bark of a laugh or nearly the same hysterical howl. We share almost the exact same nose, and we both feel the same dread over the size.
But beyond all of that, while we talked about friendships, I could see the person she is becoming. At some point we were both exasperated and my eyes were opened, as I forced myself to listen more instead pontificating aloud, sharing my "refined" wisdom as an adult.
As I admitted to her that I didn't know everything I saw something click in my daughter, as if those were the words she had been longing me to say since her existence.
I stopped for a moment and told her that all I ever want for her in life is to do good, and not make the same mistakes I did. My words are meant as a cautionary tale, never judgement. I want to give my kids all the things my mother didn't like sound advice and a bent ear... understanding.
We had an honest talk about a friendship she has that has turned sour, and this person is no longer viewed through rose colored glasses and Anna is finally seeing her for who she really is: a mean spirited brat who enjoys humiliating and bullying others. Now that Anna has rekindled a friendship from grade school- who this mean little bully does not like- now the bully has caught my daughter in her icy glare. Anna has now been bullied.
Don't weep for my child, make no mistake... my daughter is strong in will and most of the time character. I am proud of her for standing up to this miserable little person, and for standing her ground.
She is a bit hard headed like her dad's side of the family, and she can be a little tender under her hard shell... both of which she gets from me I think. It hurts me to see her frustration (and hurt, though she refuses to admit it), but I laid out the options/choices ahead of her in this situation.
1. The obvious backstabbing and dirtying of the name of said person, justified by tales of all the ways this person has hurt her... which NEVER ends well and ALWAYS backfires.
2. Stay neutral and continue to defend herself while faking her way through this botched "friendship".
3. MOVE ON. Leave it all behind and enjoy those people who really truly are her friends.
She did say midway through our talk that she had just had the realization, "Why am I bothering to be friends with her?"
So if nothing hopefully she now understands that confiding in her mom can be cathartic and therapeutic, and that I am an ally and not the enemy.
And maybe, just maybe she realizes that I do pretty much know what I am talking about. Most of the time.
Usually.
I learned today that it's not such a bad thing that we are so much alike.
I hope that one day she realizes it too.
Peace,
Mary
My oldest child... the beginning of something truly beautiful, a new phase of my life that I thought I would never be lucky enough to experience.
It's been gritty and tortuous being a parent, and at other times soulful and stomach-hugging hilarious.
Today, I realized that my oldest child is so much like me, so much more than I had ever realized. I mean, I had always thought she looked a little more like me and we share a eerily similar sense of humor. We inflect on words the same, and our laughs can be the same growly, bark of a laugh or nearly the same hysterical howl. We share almost the exact same nose, and we both feel the same dread over the size.
But beyond all of that, while we talked about friendships, I could see the person she is becoming. At some point we were both exasperated and my eyes were opened, as I forced myself to listen more instead pontificating aloud, sharing my "refined" wisdom as an adult.
As I admitted to her that I didn't know everything I saw something click in my daughter, as if those were the words she had been longing me to say since her existence.
I stopped for a moment and told her that all I ever want for her in life is to do good, and not make the same mistakes I did. My words are meant as a cautionary tale, never judgement. I want to give my kids all the things my mother didn't like sound advice and a bent ear... understanding.
We had an honest talk about a friendship she has that has turned sour, and this person is no longer viewed through rose colored glasses and Anna is finally seeing her for who she really is: a mean spirited brat who enjoys humiliating and bullying others. Now that Anna has rekindled a friendship from grade school- who this mean little bully does not like- now the bully has caught my daughter in her icy glare. Anna has now been bullied.
Don't weep for my child, make no mistake... my daughter is strong in will and most of the time character. I am proud of her for standing up to this miserable little person, and for standing her ground.
She is a bit hard headed like her dad's side of the family, and she can be a little tender under her hard shell... both of which she gets from me I think. It hurts me to see her frustration (and hurt, though she refuses to admit it), but I laid out the options/choices ahead of her in this situation.
1. The obvious backstabbing and dirtying of the name of said person, justified by tales of all the ways this person has hurt her... which NEVER ends well and ALWAYS backfires.
2. Stay neutral and continue to defend herself while faking her way through this botched "friendship".
3. MOVE ON. Leave it all behind and enjoy those people who really truly are her friends.
She did say midway through our talk that she had just had the realization, "Why am I bothering to be friends with her?"
So if nothing hopefully she now understands that confiding in her mom can be cathartic and therapeutic, and that I am an ally and not the enemy.
And maybe, just maybe she realizes that I do pretty much know what I am talking about. Most of the time.
Usually.
I learned today that it's not such a bad thing that we are so much alike.
I hope that one day she realizes it too.
Peace,
Mary
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
A little bit of this...
And a little bit of that. That is what 2013 is bringing hopefully!
Though I am not sure if putting my jewelry and teacup candles in the local hospital gift shop is going to work out, I do have a couple of deals in the works.
My best friend has a beautiful blog and I came up with the idea of making pendants/necklaces for it as I fashioned a heart shaped pendant for her Christmas last month. I purchased a professional jewelry tumbler to add a super glossy and professional finish to the pieces. I think they came out so pretty!
I am pretty proud of myself for not giving up on making precious metal clay jewelry after almost 2 weeks of trying to fill an order and having the process fail at every step, every turn to the tune of 12-14 pieces made and only 4 actually surviving the process. I learned a lot about myself in the process, mostly that I am willing to do what it takes to get it right. I really wanted to give up and tell the customer that I couldn't do it, but I didn't... I pushed through the frustrations and out right disappointment.
I have another amazing friend who I approached about a collaborative project for his book You Know What To Do ©, where I want to make really cool unisex dog tag style pendants with his logo and his trade mark YKWTD © on them. He loves my idea and I will be moving forward with that ASAP.
Right now I am working on making images in Photoshop of the stamps I want made to make the Bliss and YKWTD pendants, as well as a cute little robot my daughter drew that she named Bowbot I want to make pendants and earrings out of.
My best friend Monique bought me a light box and lights to take better photos of my jewelry, I am super excited to break those out soon. That will make taking pics less of a back breaking experience for me, It's going to be so much easier not to have to rush because the sun is going down or it's getting cloudy!
I am still taking pieces here and there to The Painted Rooster here in town, I do have a few pieces I need to work on for them as well, including a free form wire necklace that mimics a cherry blossom branch with a delicate little bird dangling from it. Those ladies always keep me guessing when I bring in new pieces, I love that! I'm never quite sure which pieces they will go gaga for!
So despite having the worst flu I have ever had in my life this week- and being the sickest I have been in years, things are looking up. I am working hard at making things happen, and will get back to diving in after this flu says adios.
I am looking ahead, looking forward... I am trying to look at what is on the horizon and stop worrying about yesterday. I cannot change any of that and am learning that I might not be able to change those things in the future either based on my track record in those areas, so I am still mulling over those things but only in the context of whether it is worth my time.
I believe you can love people and move on. NOW. FINALLY I am seeing this. I can feel love for someone and keep moving forward and hope that our paths will cross again in a better place in the future. No hostility, no resentments.
I am almost somewhat positive. *wink*
Though I am not sure if putting my jewelry and teacup candles in the local hospital gift shop is going to work out, I do have a couple of deals in the works.
My best friend has a beautiful blog and I came up with the idea of making pendants/necklaces for it as I fashioned a heart shaped pendant for her Christmas last month. I purchased a professional jewelry tumbler to add a super glossy and professional finish to the pieces. I think they came out so pretty!
I am pretty proud of myself for not giving up on making precious metal clay jewelry after almost 2 weeks of trying to fill an order and having the process fail at every step, every turn to the tune of 12-14 pieces made and only 4 actually surviving the process. I learned a lot about myself in the process, mostly that I am willing to do what it takes to get it right. I really wanted to give up and tell the customer that I couldn't do it, but I didn't... I pushed through the frustrations and out right disappointment.
I have another amazing friend who I approached about a collaborative project for his book You Know What To Do ©, where I want to make really cool unisex dog tag style pendants with his logo and his trade mark YKWTD © on them. He loves my idea and I will be moving forward with that ASAP.
Right now I am working on making images in Photoshop of the stamps I want made to make the Bliss and YKWTD pendants, as well as a cute little robot my daughter drew that she named Bowbot I want to make pendants and earrings out of.
My best friend Monique bought me a light box and lights to take better photos of my jewelry, I am super excited to break those out soon. That will make taking pics less of a back breaking experience for me, It's going to be so much easier not to have to rush because the sun is going down or it's getting cloudy!
I am still taking pieces here and there to The Painted Rooster here in town, I do have a few pieces I need to work on for them as well, including a free form wire necklace that mimics a cherry blossom branch with a delicate little bird dangling from it. Those ladies always keep me guessing when I bring in new pieces, I love that! I'm never quite sure which pieces they will go gaga for!
So despite having the worst flu I have ever had in my life this week- and being the sickest I have been in years, things are looking up. I am working hard at making things happen, and will get back to diving in after this flu says adios.
I am looking ahead, looking forward... I am trying to look at what is on the horizon and stop worrying about yesterday. I cannot change any of that and am learning that I might not be able to change those things in the future either based on my track record in those areas, so I am still mulling over those things but only in the context of whether it is worth my time.
I believe you can love people and move on. NOW. FINALLY I am seeing this. I can feel love for someone and keep moving forward and hope that our paths will cross again in a better place in the future. No hostility, no resentments.
I am almost somewhat positive. *wink*
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Letting in the light
I decided to wash the dishes and I looked out my kitchen window to see helicopter seeds floating down from the gray sky. Despite the dreariness of the day that brought me momentary joy and smile to my tired face.
My eyes moved to the old tree in our backyard and my moment of joy settled like those seeds drifting across my yard. Dry and blackened in spots, a husk of tree hulks over my house and I am scared that we are one storm away from the upper level being destroyed, our children hurt. Some thirty feet it stands leafless and nearly lifeless, it's bark having fallen off in places. I am truly saddened to see what has become of our beloved shade tree.
I wistfully think about my kids as little ones, this house being the only home they have ever known... tripping over the damned roots of that tree. Despite the bumps and bruises and the momentary tears we have all enjoyed the shade, the sweet rustling of it's tender leaves on warming spring days, and eventually the solace it gave us from the exhausting heat of humid Iowa summers. It was almost as if it knew it had to hang on to get my girls through the early years, providing a haven from light rain and brief rain showers, it's branches hanging over part of their swing set and the rain bouncing from one leaf to another but never really hitting them.
Our tree will be cut down within the next week, and Jacob will never know all of those little things my daughters experienced as little ones. All those things we tend to take for granted that, the seemingly minute details that will one day make their childhood stories somehow more real and tangible. Fond memories from tiny scars...Sweetness for the most bitter of days.
We have known for several years our tree would be cut down and I have wondered how we will ever do without it's shade. Sections of the tree died over the years and we ignored how ugly those branches were, we chose to enjoy what it had left to give us.
I think about how I will miss those approving whispers that graced my ears as I closed my eyes for a moment, my nose raised to catch the green scents that swirled around me. I will miss almost hearing "This... this... this...", the wind tangling and untangling the leaves to cry out in unison as if warning me that I should appreciate this moment. Here, Now; whispers that were muffled by screeches and giggly laughter, the creaking of the swing set and endless requests for food and drink.
But cutting away this dead tree will allow your windows to let in much more light, cheering you despite the summer heat - I think, the repetition of washing dishes almost soothing me. It's wood will warm you in the winter, crackling in the glow of your fireplace... anointing your aching bones. Pretty things will now grow in the places where shadows once were. All things fade, allowing for new life in it's place.
There is so much to be taken from this moment. It speaks to spirituality, to providing a safe haven for my children, life and death and the seeming finality. It spoke to me deeply about my body feeling as if it were failing me, about being so strong yet so fragile.
I'm choosing to ignore the gnarled-ness that my joints feel, the blackened spots on my heart and soul. I still have plenty of shade to give, solace to offer. I'm going to continue to produce gentle whispers of approval, soft reminders to my children to appreciate This. Here. Now... Only I will tuck my roots in as much as possible, I will not trip them up or alter their course from shade to light.
This...
Here...
Now...
My eyes moved to the old tree in our backyard and my moment of joy settled like those seeds drifting across my yard. Dry and blackened in spots, a husk of tree hulks over my house and I am scared that we are one storm away from the upper level being destroyed, our children hurt. Some thirty feet it stands leafless and nearly lifeless, it's bark having fallen off in places. I am truly saddened to see what has become of our beloved shade tree.
I wistfully think about my kids as little ones, this house being the only home they have ever known... tripping over the damned roots of that tree. Despite the bumps and bruises and the momentary tears we have all enjoyed the shade, the sweet rustling of it's tender leaves on warming spring days, and eventually the solace it gave us from the exhausting heat of humid Iowa summers. It was almost as if it knew it had to hang on to get my girls through the early years, providing a haven from light rain and brief rain showers, it's branches hanging over part of their swing set and the rain bouncing from one leaf to another but never really hitting them.
Our tree will be cut down within the next week, and Jacob will never know all of those little things my daughters experienced as little ones. All those things we tend to take for granted that, the seemingly minute details that will one day make their childhood stories somehow more real and tangible. Fond memories from tiny scars...Sweetness for the most bitter of days.
We have known for several years our tree would be cut down and I have wondered how we will ever do without it's shade. Sections of the tree died over the years and we ignored how ugly those branches were, we chose to enjoy what it had left to give us.
I think about how I will miss those approving whispers that graced my ears as I closed my eyes for a moment, my nose raised to catch the green scents that swirled around me. I will miss almost hearing "This... this... this...", the wind tangling and untangling the leaves to cry out in unison as if warning me that I should appreciate this moment. Here, Now; whispers that were muffled by screeches and giggly laughter, the creaking of the swing set and endless requests for food and drink.
But cutting away this dead tree will allow your windows to let in much more light, cheering you despite the summer heat - I think, the repetition of washing dishes almost soothing me. It's wood will warm you in the winter, crackling in the glow of your fireplace... anointing your aching bones. Pretty things will now grow in the places where shadows once were. All things fade, allowing for new life in it's place.
There is so much to be taken from this moment. It speaks to spirituality, to providing a safe haven for my children, life and death and the seeming finality. It spoke to me deeply about my body feeling as if it were failing me, about being so strong yet so fragile.
I'm choosing to ignore the gnarled-ness that my joints feel, the blackened spots on my heart and soul. I still have plenty of shade to give, solace to offer. I'm going to continue to produce gentle whispers of approval, soft reminders to my children to appreciate This. Here. Now... Only I will tuck my roots in as much as possible, I will not trip them up or alter their course from shade to light.
This...
Here...
Now...
Monday, July 18, 2011
Jacobs First Birthday OR I forgot how hectic birthday parties can be
Ahhhh another birthday, and being a birthday veteran I did what I normally would do, preparing as much as possible the day before. This time around I did things a little differently... I chided myself for not thinking of this sooner: Why not put up birthday decorations a day early and save myself the stress! Just like realizing that I could mash up a hot dog with a garlic press 10+ years after my first child... seriously? How did this not dawn on me?
I congratulated myself for being so ready this year. I envisioned myself relaxing on my couch just waiting for guests to arrive. HA! Again, how is it that after 41 years I still have not learned that "Pride goeth before the fall..." (thus sayeth the Lord, Amen)
At 1140 am I started grilling hamburgers 10 minutes late, but the party was at noon so everything is ok. At 1143 it started to rain on me. Normally I would take this as a bad sign, but I was too busy making sure I didn't burn the main course. At 1146 I again congratulated myself for producing 10 juicy-ever so slightly charred in just the right places- hamburgers while walking up my not exactly clean back stairs to go inside... and promptly lost my grip on the container from greasy fingers and rain. Ummhmmm. Yup. I dropped ALL of the precious meaty cargo on the stairs, a few bouncing off into the grass.
"*(&%#$@)*!" I gathered up the damaged goods and tossed them and started round two. Whilst inside talking to an early guest and glancing frantically at the clock- not realizing that the grease from round one was flaming like a set of space shuttle thrusters, therefore increasing the core temperature of the grill to 600 degrees- I finally whispered agitated apologies while leaving them mid-sentence to find round 2 almost completely destroyed.
I stared sadly at their charred remains and whispered a silent curse laden prayer to the grill gods that I have something to feed the masses. I broke off the scorched edges of 2 of the only edible burgers and threw the other 6 away. I threw the rest of the burgers from the big frozen box o'meat on the grill and eyed the grill angrily, thinking of our other grilling tussles. This would not be my first go-round with the flaming metal beast.
Success!!! I managed the hot dogs, got annoyed that the MIL elbowed her way through guests to feed herself before almost everyone else, we all ate... Jacob opened presents and had a blast!!! He got bored opening like most kids do, and had fun playing with his new presents. I decided to leave the rest of the presents for the next day, they were all from us anyway.
Then I served cake...
and once again the kids hadn't even been served yet and the MIL came in hovering over the cake, insisting to get her piece next- with a smile of course. Then told me she wanted to take cake home while pointing to the heavily frosted grassy area of the cake and TOLD me she wanted that section. I did what any self-respecting DIL would do. I got annoyed and "PFFFFT'd" to her face and made her scoop ice cream.
While this was happening, I completely forgot that Jacob had been served a small piece. John took pics of him sampling it- taking dainty and controlled finger fulls, then took pics of the guests... mean while NEITHER of his brilliant parents watched, or his grandma standing right in front of him scooping ice cream watched- while he proceeded to jam almost the whole piece in his mouth, eyes bulging, giving a cough.
Thank goodness Cousin Candice Thomson was watching and her mommy instincts kicked in... she ran over and scooped cake from his mouth with a hooked finger. I heard him cry and ran over to break him free of his high chair. *PHEW-sigh* I thoughttwo three things:
1.Thank the Lord for fellow mommies.
2.I'm a horrible parent and and my husband is an idiot.
3. Vice versa.
The rest of the party went great, he had a wonderful time playing with his presents- most of it with his mouth open LOL!
Cleaning up the kitchen so we could go to the city pool next, I dropped a bottle of Southwest Spicey Mustard which did a lovely swan dive, then bounced doing a triple axle, then exploded all over my leg/foot/flip flop and the cake box. Heh heh heh heh. All I could do was giggle. My friend Michelle giggled with me after I told her all that had happened, and kindly rinsed my flip flop in the sink for me while telling me she and her BF would have just rinsed them off and served them.
We went to the pool at about 3pm, Jacob disliked the pool very much and protested quite loudly, while Emma (who cannot swim) decided it would absolutely be the best thing to walk off the second I take my eyes off of her and walk to where her dad was at the diving boards, where I couldn't see her because of a slide encasement right next to me. Literally POOF, gone. I freaked out screaming for her, which was pointless because of the natural din that goes with being at a pool, and asked Anna to look for her. I scanned the pool for her/her swim suit and looked over to the diving pool.
I stopped midway with Jacob in my arms and had a nervous break down for a 1/2 minute, sobbing because my worst fear was coming true- losing my kids... I snapped out of it knowing that standing there sobbing like an idiot was taking away precious searching/rescue time.
I prayed. I pleaded with God in the briefest, most sincere prayer I had ever uttered. "Please God, keep her safe."
I looked back over to the diving pool, and there stood the rest of my family. There stood my middle child, completely unaware of what was happening... standing with her sister (who turned to look back at me, smiling weakly, wincing almost as if she knew what was coming next) and her dad, who was waiting in line for the board.
"You need to hold him RIGHT NOW," I screamed at John.
I grabbed Emma by the arm and screamed at that child... YES, I was THAT lady. At the pool. Screaming at the top of my lungs, "Don't you EVER walk away from me again without telling me where you are going. DON'T EVER do THAT to me AGAIN!!!"
I proceeded to try to calm myself and tell her exactly what I had thought had possibly happened: her being at the bottom of a pool or having been snatched from the pool. We both cried, and I let my anger go. I hugged her, clung to her while she stood there helpless to do otherwise, the both of us crying. I repeated, "IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou, please don't do that again. Ever."
We walked over to the newer kids part of the pool that had fountains and various spraying/splashing apparati for a few minutes, Jacob protested loudly again. Emma promised to stay with Anna and our cousin Melinda... then Jacob and I went over to the shaded snack bar and he fell asleep on me while I watched my girls like a hawk in the play area. Everyone had a great time, I enjoyed the peace and calm of holding my one year old while the noises of the pool lulled him, remembering how a year ago that day I was doing the very same thing- holding my sleeping baby after an exhausting day.
Lesson learned finally. You can never be completely 100% prepared for life... or birthday parties. OR MIL's.
Amen.
I congratulated myself for being so ready this year. I envisioned myself relaxing on my couch just waiting for guests to arrive. HA! Again, how is it that after 41 years I still have not learned that "Pride goeth before the fall..." (thus sayeth the Lord, Amen)
At 1140 am I started grilling hamburgers 10 minutes late, but the party was at noon so everything is ok. At 1143 it started to rain on me. Normally I would take this as a bad sign, but I was too busy making sure I didn't burn the main course. At 1146 I again congratulated myself for producing 10 juicy-ever so slightly charred in just the right places- hamburgers while walking up my not exactly clean back stairs to go inside... and promptly lost my grip on the container from greasy fingers and rain. Ummhmmm. Yup. I dropped ALL of the precious meaty cargo on the stairs, a few bouncing off into the grass.
"*(&%#$@)*!" I gathered up the damaged goods and tossed them and started round two. Whilst inside talking to an early guest and glancing frantically at the clock- not realizing that the grease from round one was flaming like a set of space shuttle thrusters, therefore increasing the core temperature of the grill to 600 degrees- I finally whispered agitated apologies while leaving them mid-sentence to find round 2 almost completely destroyed.
I stared sadly at their charred remains and whispered a silent curse laden prayer to the grill gods that I have something to feed the masses. I broke off the scorched edges of 2 of the only edible burgers and threw the other 6 away. I threw the rest of the burgers from the big frozen box o'meat on the grill and eyed the grill angrily, thinking of our other grilling tussles. This would not be my first go-round with the flaming metal beast.
Success!!! I managed the hot dogs, got annoyed that the MIL elbowed her way through guests to feed herself before almost everyone else, we all ate... Jacob opened presents and had a blast!!! He got bored opening like most kids do, and had fun playing with his new presents. I decided to leave the rest of the presents for the next day, they were all from us anyway.
Then I served cake...
and once again the kids hadn't even been served yet and the MIL came in hovering over the cake, insisting to get her piece next- with a smile of course. Then told me she wanted to take cake home while pointing to the heavily frosted grassy area of the cake and TOLD me she wanted that section. I did what any self-respecting DIL would do. I got annoyed and "PFFFFT'd" to her face and made her scoop ice cream.
While this was happening, I completely forgot that Jacob had been served a small piece. John took pics of him sampling it- taking dainty and controlled finger fulls, then took pics of the guests... mean while NEITHER of his brilliant parents watched, or his grandma standing right in front of him scooping ice cream watched- while he proceeded to jam almost the whole piece in his mouth, eyes bulging, giving a cough.
Thank goodness Cousin Candice Thomson was watching and her mommy instincts kicked in... she ran over and scooped cake from his mouth with a hooked finger. I heard him cry and ran over to break him free of his high chair. *PHEW-sigh* I thought
1.Thank the Lord for fellow mommies.
2.I'm a horrible parent and and my husband is an idiot.
3. Vice versa.
The rest of the party went great, he had a wonderful time playing with his presents- most of it with his mouth open LOL!
Cleaning up the kitchen so we could go to the city pool next, I dropped a bottle of Southwest Spicey Mustard which did a lovely swan dive, then bounced doing a triple axle, then exploded all over my leg/foot/flip flop and the cake box. Heh heh heh heh. All I could do was giggle. My friend Michelle giggled with me after I told her all that had happened, and kindly rinsed my flip flop in the sink for me while telling me she and her BF would have just rinsed them off and served them.
We went to the pool at about 3pm, Jacob disliked the pool very much and protested quite loudly, while Emma (who cannot swim) decided it would absolutely be the best thing to walk off the second I take my eyes off of her and walk to where her dad was at the diving boards, where I couldn't see her because of a slide encasement right next to me. Literally POOF, gone. I freaked out screaming for her, which was pointless because of the natural din that goes with being at a pool, and asked Anna to look for her. I scanned the pool for her/her swim suit and looked over to the diving pool.
I stopped midway with Jacob in my arms and had a nervous break down for a 1/2 minute, sobbing because my worst fear was coming true- losing my kids... I snapped out of it knowing that standing there sobbing like an idiot was taking away precious searching/rescue time.
I prayed. I pleaded with God in the briefest, most sincere prayer I had ever uttered. "Please God, keep her safe."
I looked back over to the diving pool, and there stood the rest of my family. There stood my middle child, completely unaware of what was happening... standing with her sister (who turned to look back at me, smiling weakly, wincing almost as if she knew what was coming next) and her dad, who was waiting in line for the board.
"You need to hold him RIGHT NOW," I screamed at John.
I grabbed Emma by the arm and screamed at that child... YES, I was THAT lady. At the pool. Screaming at the top of my lungs, "Don't you EVER walk away from me again without telling me where you are going. DON'T EVER do THAT to me AGAIN!!!"
I proceeded to try to calm myself and tell her exactly what I had thought had possibly happened: her being at the bottom of a pool or having been snatched from the pool. We both cried, and I let my anger go. I hugged her, clung to her while she stood there helpless to do otherwise, the both of us crying. I repeated, "IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou, please don't do that again. Ever."
We walked over to the newer kids part of the pool that had fountains and various spraying/splashing apparati for a few minutes, Jacob protested loudly again. Emma promised to stay with Anna and our cousin Melinda... then Jacob and I went over to the shaded snack bar and he fell asleep on me while I watched my girls like a hawk in the play area. Everyone had a great time, I enjoyed the peace and calm of holding my one year old while the noises of the pool lulled him, remembering how a year ago that day I was doing the very same thing- holding my sleeping baby after an exhausting day.
Lesson learned finally. You can never be completely 100% prepared for life... or birthday parties. OR MIL's.
Amen.
*passed out after the pool*
Friday, June 04, 2010
Wowsers!!!
It's been awhile, hasn't it? Let's see, where to start...
The beginning of May I moved John and I back into our larger room and the girls back to the smaller because they never use their room. We were having a hard time fitting everything we needed into our room including a crib. I painted the room an oceanic blue, and we decorated for Baby Jacob:
I had a wonderful baby shower May 23rd given by one of my sweet coworkers :D they know that we were starting from scratch and decided we needed to have a shower. It was cozy and laid back and we got some really cute stuff!
We also have been given lots of stuff by so many loving and generous people! Car seats and Exersaucers, baby clothes... you name it! Best of all my blogging buddies hooked me up! Maggie sent me some REALLY adorable baby jammies and outfits! These are only a few of the things Maggie sent me :D
And my BFF Michelle has sent be so much... where to start! Here is a onsie she bought off Etsy, so cute!
And this set of letters she made that match the baby's room completely!
Besides that, I'm huge. Just enormous. A week ago I had an ultrasound because he is measuring too large, it turns out I was supposed 31 weeks 2 days and he should have been 3 lbs 6 oz, but his size was reading 32 weeks 6 days and 4 lb12 oz. So today I could be 32 1/2 weeks OR 34 weeks. Want proof of my ginormousness?
Taken May 23rd
Taken June 3rd, you can see how we've grown in just over a week :)
The beginning of May I moved John and I back into our larger room and the girls back to the smaller because they never use their room. We were having a hard time fitting everything we needed into our room including a crib. I painted the room an oceanic blue, and we decorated for Baby Jacob:
I had a wonderful baby shower May 23rd given by one of my sweet coworkers :D they know that we were starting from scratch and decided we needed to have a shower. It was cozy and laid back and we got some really cute stuff!We also have been given lots of stuff by so many loving and generous people! Car seats and Exersaucers, baby clothes... you name it! Best of all my blogging buddies hooked me up! Maggie sent me some REALLY adorable baby jammies and outfits! These are only a few of the things Maggie sent me :D
And my BFF Michelle has sent be so much... where to start! Here is a onsie she bought off Etsy, so cute!
And this set of letters she made that match the baby's room completely!
Besides that, I'm huge. Just enormous. A week ago I had an ultrasound because he is measuring too large, it turns out I was supposed 31 weeks 2 days and he should have been 3 lbs 6 oz, but his size was reading 32 weeks 6 days and 4 lb12 oz. So today I could be 32 1/2 weeks OR 34 weeks. Want proof of my ginormousness?
Taken May 23rd
Taken June 3rd, you can see how we've grown in just over a week :)
So there you have it, I'll find out on the 10th when my doc thinks I'm due based on the new ultrasound and when he wants to reschedule the c section for. It was supposed to be the 26th of July. Otherwise, just finishing up baby quilts and burp cloths and last minute shopping. I'm so big I wonder if I will even make it to the new revised date I'll be getting next week.
I know he needs to cook a bit more, but he's just so big and I'm sooo uncomfortable.
Oh, I forgot to mention that despite almost calling it quits (again) a year ago, we celebrated our 21st anniversary yesterday:) And Emma graduated from preschool today!
I know he needs to cook a bit more, but he's just so big and I'm sooo uncomfortable.
Oh, I forgot to mention that despite almost calling it quits (again) a year ago, we celebrated our 21st anniversary yesterday:) And Emma graduated from preschool today!
Life is good. :)
Friday, January 08, 2010
If I had a nickel...
I was at work last week telling one of my fabulous coworkers about what my girls have been up to- which, yes, would be trouble...thank you for asking- and she said, "Oh my God Mary, and you're having another one? You are so screwed."
After laughing for about 2 minutes , utterly and completely without rancor and irony, I wiped the tears from my eyes and simply replied, "Yes, oh God yes, this I know."
I am hoping for a Christ-like child if you want to know. Not that my girls aren't fun and entertaining but I have on occasion looked intently at their scalps to have the MISU ask what I was doing. I would reply with a saintly smile that I was looking for the "the mark of the beast", or the evil triple digit.
I would love it if God would somehow deem it necessary and right for me to have a child full of sweetness and light... and to be nothing like me. I already have 2 of those. I had thought for sure He had broken the mold, burned it, and then scattered the ashes to all corners of this little rock we live on. It's a nice thought anyway.
And if I cannot have a Christ-like child, dear Lord, if you should see fit to go with my alternate option... Please make my baby (if it's a boy) in Guy Fieri's image. You know... light hearted, easy going and later in life not ashamed to feed his momma. I'm just saying.
To be sure, I will say again that I have no one else to blame. I wouldn't say I would change my girls per se, just maybe "take a little off the sides". But they are who they are and I love them despite my ability to see in them at times all the little things that irk me about myself LOL! Yes, I have taught them well. ;)
After laughing for about 2 minutes , utterly and completely without rancor and irony, I wiped the tears from my eyes and simply replied, "Yes, oh God yes, this I know."
I am hoping for a Christ-like child if you want to know. Not that my girls aren't fun and entertaining but I have on occasion looked intently at their scalps to have the MISU ask what I was doing. I would reply with a saintly smile that I was looking for the "the mark of the beast", or the evil triple digit.
I would love it if God would somehow deem it necessary and right for me to have a child full of sweetness and light... and to be nothing like me. I already have 2 of those. I had thought for sure He had broken the mold, burned it, and then scattered the ashes to all corners of this little rock we live on. It's a nice thought anyway.
And if I cannot have a Christ-like child, dear Lord, if you should see fit to go with my alternate option... Please make my baby (if it's a boy) in Guy Fieri's image. You know... light hearted, easy going and later in life not ashamed to feed his momma. I'm just saying.
To be sure, I will say again that I have no one else to blame. I wouldn't say I would change my girls per se, just maybe "take a little off the sides". But they are who they are and I love them despite my ability to see in them at times all the little things that irk me about myself LOL! Yes, I have taught them well. ;)
Sunday, March 08, 2009
That's my girl!
Emma was playing Candyland on her laptop yesterday and said , "Mommy! You have to come see this , it's os funny!"
So I walked over and she clicks on part of the game, "Hold on momma, it has to load... OK, " she puts her hand over her mouth and giggles as something pops up on the screen, "THAT'S CLASSIC!" Ten she falls over laughing. "That's classic, isn't it momma?"
I laughed so hard. I don't know how many times I have said to John "That's classic/that's classic Mary/classic DORKY Mary", and now my sweet almost 4 yr old is saying it too. Love it.
So I walked over and she clicks on part of the game, "Hold on momma, it has to load... OK, " she puts her hand over her mouth and giggles as something pops up on the screen, "THAT'S CLASSIC!" Ten she falls over laughing. "That's classic, isn't it momma?"
I laughed so hard. I don't know how many times I have said to John "That's classic/that's classic Mary/classic DORKY Mary", and now my sweet almost 4 yr old is saying it too. Love it.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Oh no, not again...
Remember a few years ago... Oh, let's see... Anna was 4 I think? And she was mooning over a not quite famous Zac Effron?
So Emma is eating lunch and watching a older episode of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody with Jesse McCartney, when he looked like this:
And she says with a *SIGH*, "I wish I had someone like that for a boyfriend..."
And naturally I probably did something akin to:
"What?" She looks at me for a second,"I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend before."
My first instinct was to reply *whilst trying my best to hide my amusement*, "Oh honey... it will be years before you can start dating. Acording to your dad, about 30 years or so. " Knowing that Emma is Anna's Mini Me, I decided to keep my big yap shut. I can remember that Anna was only 6 months older when she had her first crush and she was very serious about it, and didn't take kindly to John and I ribbing her about it.
Emma will be 4 end of March, but I still can't believe that this little critter has hit the sighing phase and has completely skipped the "EWWW, boys totally have cooties" phase. Just like her big sis.
This combined with the fact that Anna has had her first consultation with the "Boob Fairy", as my sis likes to call it... Well, you can imagine.
I'm suppressing the urge to chug cough medicine as we speak.
I kid people, I kid.
I'd much prefer vanilla extract. ;)
So Emma is eating lunch and watching a older episode of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody with Jesse McCartney, when he looked like this:
And she says with a *SIGH*, "I wish I had someone like that for a boyfriend..."And naturally I probably did something akin to:
"What?" She looks at me for a second,"I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend before."
My first instinct was to reply *whilst trying my best to hide my amusement*, "Oh honey... it will be years before you can start dating. Acording to your dad, about 30 years or so. " Knowing that Emma is Anna's Mini Me, I decided to keep my big yap shut. I can remember that Anna was only 6 months older when she had her first crush and she was very serious about it, and didn't take kindly to John and I ribbing her about it.
Emma will be 4 end of March, but I still can't believe that this little critter has hit the sighing phase and has completely skipped the "EWWW, boys totally have cooties" phase. Just like her big sis.
This combined with the fact that Anna has had her first consultation with the "Boob Fairy", as my sis likes to call it... Well, you can imagine.I'm suppressing the urge to chug cough medicine as we speak.
I kid people, I kid.
I'd much prefer vanilla extract. ;)
Friday, October 03, 2008
whoa there!
The time has come once again to brag about how smart my first born is.... Yeah, I know, right?
I can't help it, I'm so proud of her. Proud of what , you say- the fact that she has a ginourmous brain? It's hardly something any of us have any control over, but I shall continue to feed and nurture it, and hug it and squeeze it... OK, not so much with the squeezing but you get my drift.
A few days ago we received the results of her yearly aptitude tests and my 2nd grader has the math skills of an early 3rd grader and the reading skills of an early 5th grader!
Ahhhhhhhyeeeeee! :D
Anna, we are so proud of you. Keep up the good work :) Oh, and by the way, thanks for learning some humility and not screaming "in your face, I'm smarter than you" to your classmates like last year.
Love ya,
Mommy
I can't help it, I'm so proud of her. Proud of what , you say- the fact that she has a ginourmous brain? It's hardly something any of us have any control over, but I shall continue to feed and nurture it, and hug it and squeeze it... OK, not so much with the squeezing but you get my drift.
A few days ago we received the results of her yearly aptitude tests and my 2nd grader has the math skills of an early 3rd grader and the reading skills of an early 5th grader!
Ahhhhhhhyeeeeee! :D
Anna, we are so proud of you. Keep up the good work :) Oh, and by the way, thanks for learning some humility and not screaming "in your face, I'm smarter than you" to your classmates like last year.
Love ya,
Mommy
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
So grown up
Anna's first day of school was August 21... yeah, I'm just getting around to writing about it! With work, and then my poor kid already missing 2 days of school because she caught a cold, it's been kind of busy here.
Anna is in second grade, and is in an advanced reading and math group. We are pretty stoked about that. Here she is, my little girl, insisting that she doesn't want hair clips or head bands. *sniff*
And modeling her Camp Rock book bag with the man pretty Joe Jonas on the front... 'cuz Hannah Montana and High School Musical are so like- yesterday?
Annnnd, cheesing it up just before she leaves Emma and I in silence- meaning no clawing and shrieking for the first half of the day. ;)
These pics are from last year, on the first day of school. Look how much she has grown!
My baby is almost all grownz up.
Anna is in second grade, and is in an advanced reading and math group. We are pretty stoked about that. Here she is, my little girl, insisting that she doesn't want hair clips or head bands. *sniff*
And modeling her Camp Rock book bag with the man pretty Joe Jonas on the front... 'cuz Hannah Montana and High School Musical are so like- yesterday?
Annnnd, cheesing it up just before she leaves Emma and I in silence- meaning no clawing and shrieking for the first half of the day. ;)These pics are from last year, on the first day of school. Look how much she has grown!
My baby is almost all grownz up.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Ahhhhh, finally
What's new pussy cat? I know... I really need to get my buns over to your blog, like yesterday. ;)
I haven't been able to squeeze in blogging except a random post here and there to let you guys know that I haven't mysteriously lost my gravitational pull, therefore floating off the face of the earth in into the heavens. There has been no spontaneous combustion, freak accidents (except for Emma spraining her knee this last Tuesday). Nope, just me, tired and whiny me, still unable to manage my time enough to squeeze in some good quality blogging.
What, you say? Emma? Knee? seeing a doctor for a second week in a row? Why yes! My little one has suddenly grown accustomed to waiting rooms and has developed a need for a physicians intervention.
Forsooth and whatnot. ;)
I cannot explain it except that she was happily jumping one minute, then screaming in agony the next. I had her rest for an hour, and she woke a dozing me with crying. I found her crumpled on the floor next to the couch, just a few feet from me. So then I decided to give her some medicine and see if she could walk, she limped a little. Then I had her try to climb the stairs (for nap time) and the moment she used her right leg to climb the first step, she cried in agony.
I called the hubs and contemplated taking her to the ER again, but after John came home he convinced me that she probably didn't need to see the ER doc, and possible could wait a day to see if she really needed to see a doc at all. Over protective me? I convinced him that neurotic me wouldn't rest until she was seen and I knew that it was nothing more than a sprain (as evidenced by her slightly swollen knee).
I had to work, but found out 5 hours later *rolls eyes*, after I got home, that she had a sprain and took some children's motrin before bed.
On another note, and more on Emma, thank you for all of your comments and prayers concerning the chest pains and the buggie issues. She has an appointment next week to see a pediatrician ( we normally see a family doc), and I will update you guys with more info as we have it.
On the buggie front, we went outside this week so that the girls could try out the new side walk paint. Em immediately began to scream because of the ants on the side walk. SO... I sprayed her with invisible spray (insect repellent), gave her her buggie sunglasses, then armed her with bug "happy spray" (20 parts water to 1 part febreeze, to make the bugs be nice, not to kill them) in her own special squirt bottle.
One commenter said that they thought that "indulging her fears" wasn't exactly the way to go (thanks for the comment Sue), but I would just like to say that I have tried the "get over it" approach and it actually made her more afraid. I think she trusted me a little less, and that bothered me. The problem with parenting (and childhood) is that one approach does not work for every child. My girls are very high strung and stubborn. My oldest is afraid of water but because we got her a pool that she could comfortably stand up in (she was almost 4 foot and the pool was 30 inches deep), she had a blast after getting used to the pool for only a 1/2 hour. the year before year I accidentally dropped her when my husband was tossing her to me in a deeper pool and she didn't trust me after that, and refused to let me hold her while in the pool. Though the school of hard knocks approach might work for some children, I have learned that suggesting that they just get over it makes them mistrust me and even fear me. I really dislike the idea of them not trusting me since I've had an inherent (but well deserved) fear and mistrust of my abusive mother my whole life.
What I did do though was try several things until I found something that made her more comfortable. I brought her her dad's comfy butterfly chair outside for her to sit in, and brought out her Magnadoodle to keep her occupied and distracted, all the while not giving in to her pleas to go inside. I did give in to her demands to have her feet up off of the ground because she didn't calm down after 1/2 hour and was shaking terribly, and considering her recent bout with chest pain I felt this was necessary... but also I think compromise is in order her for her to feel like she is being heard, has options and is at least a little in control. Baby steps right? She IS only 3 years old. Spraying her "happy bug spray" seemed to help and I think she felt in control some what. Of course once she got going there was no stopping her until I convinced her that she had adequately drenched a 2 foot radius from her chair.
As for the 'ahhhhh, finally" part, I found a yoga DVD that I just love. This is not an official review, I just really love it!
Yoga For Beginners truly is a DVD for beginners. What I love about Barbara's approach to yoga is that she gives you tips on breathing, body movement and placement. She also says pointers like ,"If you feel a strain in Y or Z, then your X is too far off center". She also gives reminders to watch for neck or face strain, etc. There is an intermediate section also, but I'm not there yet so I can't tell about that yet, but I have noticed increased flexibility just from doing her DVD every other day. I also noticed that I am less sore after work (***TMI ALERT*** I usually have horrible groin/pelvic floor pain from all the walking on those hard floors, and my back is pretty stiff), that my upper body strength has increased, and ***TMI ALERT*** that my boobs have perked up a bit.
So, to sum up... I can now officially call it Yog-ahhhhhh instead of Yog-ouch. ;) If you are interested in giving yoga a try, but don't like the fact that most exercise DVD's don't take the time to explain proper body mechanics for each exercise, or you think that yoga is too hard based on what you have seen on TV I highly recommend this DVD to get you going.
I haven't been able to squeeze in blogging except a random post here and there to let you guys know that I haven't mysteriously lost my gravitational pull, therefore floating off the face of the earth in into the heavens. There has been no spontaneous combustion, freak accidents (except for Emma spraining her knee this last Tuesday). Nope, just me, tired and whiny me, still unable to manage my time enough to squeeze in some good quality blogging.
What, you say? Emma? Knee? seeing a doctor for a second week in a row? Why yes! My little one has suddenly grown accustomed to waiting rooms and has developed a need for a physicians intervention.
Forsooth and whatnot. ;)
I cannot explain it except that she was happily jumping one minute, then screaming in agony the next. I had her rest for an hour, and she woke a dozing me with crying. I found her crumpled on the floor next to the couch, just a few feet from me. So then I decided to give her some medicine and see if she could walk, she limped a little. Then I had her try to climb the stairs (for nap time) and the moment she used her right leg to climb the first step, she cried in agony.
I called the hubs and contemplated taking her to the ER again, but after John came home he convinced me that she probably didn't need to see the ER doc, and possible could wait a day to see if she really needed to see a doc at all. Over protective me? I convinced him that neurotic me wouldn't rest until she was seen and I knew that it was nothing more than a sprain (as evidenced by her slightly swollen knee).
I had to work, but found out 5 hours later *rolls eyes*, after I got home, that she had a sprain and took some children's motrin before bed.
On another note, and more on Emma, thank you for all of your comments and prayers concerning the chest pains and the buggie issues. She has an appointment next week to see a pediatrician ( we normally see a family doc), and I will update you guys with more info as we have it.
On the buggie front, we went outside this week so that the girls could try out the new side walk paint. Em immediately began to scream because of the ants on the side walk. SO... I sprayed her with invisible spray (insect repellent), gave her her buggie sunglasses, then armed her with bug "happy spray" (20 parts water to 1 part febreeze, to make the bugs be nice, not to kill them) in her own special squirt bottle.
One commenter said that they thought that "indulging her fears" wasn't exactly the way to go (thanks for the comment Sue), but I would just like to say that I have tried the "get over it" approach and it actually made her more afraid. I think she trusted me a little less, and that bothered me. The problem with parenting (and childhood) is that one approach does not work for every child. My girls are very high strung and stubborn. My oldest is afraid of water but because we got her a pool that she could comfortably stand up in (she was almost 4 foot and the pool was 30 inches deep), she had a blast after getting used to the pool for only a 1/2 hour. the year before year I accidentally dropped her when my husband was tossing her to me in a deeper pool and she didn't trust me after that, and refused to let me hold her while in the pool. Though the school of hard knocks approach might work for some children, I have learned that suggesting that they just get over it makes them mistrust me and even fear me. I really dislike the idea of them not trusting me since I've had an inherent (but well deserved) fear and mistrust of my abusive mother my whole life.
What I did do though was try several things until I found something that made her more comfortable. I brought her her dad's comfy butterfly chair outside for her to sit in, and brought out her Magnadoodle to keep her occupied and distracted, all the while not giving in to her pleas to go inside. I did give in to her demands to have her feet up off of the ground because she didn't calm down after 1/2 hour and was shaking terribly, and considering her recent bout with chest pain I felt this was necessary... but also I think compromise is in order her for her to feel like she is being heard, has options and is at least a little in control. Baby steps right? She IS only 3 years old. Spraying her "happy bug spray" seemed to help and I think she felt in control some what. Of course once she got going there was no stopping her until I convinced her that she had adequately drenched a 2 foot radius from her chair.
As for the 'ahhhhh, finally" part, I found a yoga DVD that I just love. This is not an official review, I just really love it!
Yoga For Beginners truly is a DVD for beginners. What I love about Barbara's approach to yoga is that she gives you tips on breathing, body movement and placement. She also says pointers like ,"If you feel a strain in Y or Z, then your X is too far off center". She also gives reminders to watch for neck or face strain, etc. There is an intermediate section also, but I'm not there yet so I can't tell about that yet, but I have noticed increased flexibility just from doing her DVD every other day. I also noticed that I am less sore after work (***TMI ALERT*** I usually have horrible groin/pelvic floor pain from all the walking on those hard floors, and my back is pretty stiff), that my upper body strength has increased, and ***TMI ALERT*** that my boobs have perked up a bit.
So, to sum up... I can now officially call it Yog-ahhhhhh instead of Yog-ouch. ;) If you are interested in giving yoga a try, but don't like the fact that most exercise DVD's don't take the time to explain proper body mechanics for each exercise, or you think that yoga is too hard based on what you have seen on TV I highly recommend this DVD to get you going.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
That's life - OR- I need a vacation
Sooooo..... Long time no see huh? I bet the 4 people that still read my blog might be wondering what I have been up to lately, and to those 4 lovely people (who I am very very grateful for!!!) I would like to say this: My life is complete chaos right now.
Which I suppose for some people is normal, but for me that hasn't been true for a very long time. Since I was a kid actually, but compared to that my life is a song.
Emma's birthday was on the 30th, and we had a very small party for her. If you remember, I was able to talk the little booger into having a princess party:
I feel bad because I didn't actually make her cake, but I had to work the 2 days before her birthday.... my MIL bought the cake and I decorated it at least :) She didn't have a nap that day since her party fell on her nap time, but later she crashed out on the couch while sitting with Anna and me. I thought back and realized that 3 years to the day, she was sleeping just like that I am sure.
Of course the MISU didn't bother to tell me he was taking a pic of me too, so I was doing the "let me smoosh myself way back so I'm not in the pic, while unfortunately making my double chin look ginourmous" thing. *SNORT*
Since her birthday, I have been working A LOT. I only wanted to work 3 days a week but I have been working a lot more, and I just worked 5 days in a row at The T. Just when I started to get used to working in retail, and getting used to the rhythms of the sales floor, I go and do something stupid like asking to be cross trained in the "Food Avenue"... which came at a very bad time as 2 regular kitchen employees have quit to move to another state. So, I trained last weekend and have a total of 4 food area shifts already this week. When I asked to be trained there, several supervisors (including the HR) pounced on me, saying, "So you wanna work at Food Ave, huh? Do ya? Do ya? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
I should have known right then- as I stood there gagging at the stench of sheer desperation coming down the hall at me- to run in the other direction pleading temporary insanity.
Really.
I thought I'd train so that I could get an extra shift here and there... not to replace a Food Ave employee. Clearly I need to talk to HR about this if they continue to schedule me more than once a week, though they told me I had a lot of shifts because someone was on vacation. We shall see.
Actually, I have 2 more food shifts this week, then one next week... so I called yesterday for them to make a notation to NOT schedule any more food shifts for me until I figure out whether or not I like it.
Anyway, other than that I have contemplated giving up blogging. I have little time to write, and no time to read my favorite blogs, AND given that I am so miserably behind in both seems overwhelming to me... which kills any desire to blog at all.
I am sure that you, dear reader, have been here at this very cross road. My readership is way down because I haven't been posting, and as much as I hate to admit it, readership relies almost completely on "popularity" and reader reciprocation- meaning that there seems to be a certain algebraic equation to popularity, and I am horrible at math now. Also, if you don't have the said algebraic components and digits, then fail to reciprocate comments... yer done.
I just don't have the energy to prostitute myself for comments/readership right now. What I mean by THAT is I have begged, pleaded and apologized in the past for not reading/reciprocating, and I have tried to "fix" things by spending hours reading other blogs to play catch up or to try to save face. This has no bearing on those blogs I read, and they (the blog owners) are not to blame, and they are not to blame for the guilt that I used to feel.
This is just how I feel about it all.
But honestly? That's life. Often times we find ourselves in situations where we have to choose and sacrifice, and sometimes we have to scrape away the extraneous and unproductive parts of our lives to really discover what we are made of. I don't feel guilty, just sad. I don't want to lose touch with friends that I have made blogging, but again that's life. Just like in real life, sometimes you lose friends despite your best efforts. Sometimes people outgrow relationships.
For me, right now at this moment, I am not sure where blogging fits into my life. So much so that I forgot my 2 year bloggiversary on February 6th. And on a side note, since starting [to] work [my @ss off], I have lost more weight. I'm down 20 lbs, y'all!
This part of my post is in no way meant to offend, and I hope it doesn't. Like I said, this is about me. At the end of the day, I have to decide what is more important; blogging or spending what little time I have with my kids on the days I work now, since I go to work about 45 minutes after Anna gets home from school and come home after their bedtimes. But also it has a lot to do with me not wanting to put those pressures on myself anymore, life is too short.
I do know this though... there are a few of you peeps who have stuck with me through thick and thin, crazy outburst and tyrannical/maniacal rants. Thank you so much for your love and support! Don't worry, I will make time for you, I promise (sorry I haven't emailed you back Factor 10 Jen, Ash and Michelle). It may not happen for a while until I have a decent stretch of days off, but know I am thinking about you.
Finally, trying to start a sewing business then getting a job was a really bad idea. I have no energy left for my basic housework let alone sewing. I have nothing so far for my web site: there is no design yet, and I have little product to show for the last 4 months. I'm not sure if I should even venture or risk it since I thought that maybe I could get business by posting pictures of my wares here on my blog, but as you can see I don't even have time for regular posts.
I hope to update here and there, but if I have no activity... well I guess ASP will have to close up shop.
Like I said, my life is chaos right now...We'll see how it goes.
I know you understand.
Which I suppose for some people is normal, but for me that hasn't been true for a very long time. Since I was a kid actually, but compared to that my life is a song.
Emma's birthday was on the 30th, and we had a very small party for her. If you remember, I was able to talk the little booger into having a princess party:
I feel bad because I didn't actually make her cake, but I had to work the 2 days before her birthday.... my MIL bought the cake and I decorated it at least :) She didn't have a nap that day since her party fell on her nap time, but later she crashed out on the couch while sitting with Anna and me. I thought back and realized that 3 years to the day, she was sleeping just like that I am sure.
NOW...
Of course the MISU didn't bother to tell me he was taking a pic of me too, so I was doing the "let me smoosh myself way back so I'm not in the pic, while unfortunately making my double chin look ginourmous" thing. *SNORT*
And then :D
Since her birthday, I have been working A LOT. I only wanted to work 3 days a week but I have been working a lot more, and I just worked 5 days in a row at The T. Just when I started to get used to working in retail, and getting used to the rhythms of the sales floor, I go and do something stupid like asking to be cross trained in the "Food Avenue"... which came at a very bad time as 2 regular kitchen employees have quit to move to another state. So, I trained last weekend and have a total of 4 food area shifts already this week. When I asked to be trained there, several supervisors (including the HR) pounced on me, saying, "So you wanna work at Food Ave, huh? Do ya? Do ya? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
I should have known right then- as I stood there gagging at the stench of sheer desperation coming down the hall at me- to run in the other direction pleading temporary insanity.
Really.
I thought I'd train so that I could get an extra shift here and there... not to replace a Food Ave employee. Clearly I need to talk to HR about this if they continue to schedule me more than once a week, though they told me I had a lot of shifts because someone was on vacation. We shall see.
Actually, I have 2 more food shifts this week, then one next week... so I called yesterday for them to make a notation to NOT schedule any more food shifts for me until I figure out whether or not I like it.
Anyway, other than that I have contemplated giving up blogging. I have little time to write, and no time to read my favorite blogs, AND given that I am so miserably behind in both seems overwhelming to me... which kills any desire to blog at all.
I am sure that you, dear reader, have been here at this very cross road. My readership is way down because I haven't been posting, and as much as I hate to admit it, readership relies almost completely on "popularity" and reader reciprocation- meaning that there seems to be a certain algebraic equation to popularity, and I am horrible at math now. Also, if you don't have the said algebraic components and digits, then fail to reciprocate comments... yer done.
I just don't have the energy to prostitute myself for comments/readership right now. What I mean by THAT is I have begged, pleaded and apologized in the past for not reading/reciprocating, and I have tried to "fix" things by spending hours reading other blogs to play catch up or to try to save face. This has no bearing on those blogs I read, and they (the blog owners) are not to blame, and they are not to blame for the guilt that I used to feel.
This is just how I feel about it all.
But honestly? That's life. Often times we find ourselves in situations where we have to choose and sacrifice, and sometimes we have to scrape away the extraneous and unproductive parts of our lives to really discover what we are made of. I don't feel guilty, just sad. I don't want to lose touch with friends that I have made blogging, but again that's life. Just like in real life, sometimes you lose friends despite your best efforts. Sometimes people outgrow relationships.
For me, right now at this moment, I am not sure where blogging fits into my life. So much so that I forgot my 2 year bloggiversary on February 6th. And on a side note, since starting [to] work [my @ss off], I have lost more weight. I'm down 20 lbs, y'all!
This part of my post is in no way meant to offend, and I hope it doesn't. Like I said, this is about me. At the end of the day, I have to decide what is more important; blogging or spending what little time I have with my kids on the days I work now, since I go to work about 45 minutes after Anna gets home from school and come home after their bedtimes. But also it has a lot to do with me not wanting to put those pressures on myself anymore, life is too short.
I do know this though... there are a few of you peeps who have stuck with me through thick and thin, crazy outburst and tyrannical/maniacal rants. Thank you so much for your love and support! Don't worry, I will make time for you, I promise (sorry I haven't emailed you back Factor 10 Jen, Ash and Michelle). It may not happen for a while until I have a decent stretch of days off, but know I am thinking about you.
Finally, trying to start a sewing business then getting a job was a really bad idea. I have no energy left for my basic housework let alone sewing. I have nothing so far for my web site: there is no design yet, and I have little product to show for the last 4 months. I'm not sure if I should even venture or risk it since I thought that maybe I could get business by posting pictures of my wares here on my blog, but as you can see I don't even have time for regular posts.
I hope to update here and there, but if I have no activity... well I guess ASP will have to close up shop.
Like I said, my life is chaos right now...We'll see how it goes.
I know you understand.
Friday, March 07, 2008
YES!
I have good news... it's better than good news actually :D OK, for John and I it is. NO I'M NOT KNOCKED UP, don't even think it!
Toi toi toi, evil eye, evil eye!
Yes I'm in a weird mood, and no, I have no idea what I just said. :P
Since birth, Emma has been stubborn, opinionated and rigid. She fits right in. ;) Not to be unkind, let me explain what I mean. Besides head butting me on a regular basis when she was crying or upset about something, she also liked to head butt me when she didn't have my full attention... as in me trying to type with one hand while trying to get her to sleep. Another interesting thing about Emma was the fact that even though she eventually got used to sleeping in her crib for naps, and even though it only took us about a week to get her to go down without us being in the room with only her Fisher Price birdies to lull her to sleep
... she would absolutely have a meltdown and refuse to sleep in her crib at night, even though she went down for a nap in her crib several times a day without a problem. At night, she wanted to be in bed with mom or dad. We had to take our mattress off the frame and put it on the floor, and one of us has to lay with her until she went to sleep, then we would slip her into her crib, and she would wake up after a few hours and we would have to start all over again sometimes. We are talking 3-4 months here folks... Yes, she was THAT stubborn at that age.
Then at 11 months, she moved from her crib to a full sized mattress on the floor and shared a room with her sister. We still had to lay down with her until she went to sleep, usually 1 1/2 to 2 hours. A few frustrating times, it even took almost 3 HOURS!
Again, we got her to lay down for naps pretty easily, only now she was in bed instead of her crib, and she still had her birdies to comfort her to sleep. BUT... still at night, she wanted mom or dad to snuggle with her until she fell asleep.
Eight months ago I tried to get her to go to sleep on her own, and she cried hysterically. It was heart breaking, so of course I couldn't go through with it. John and I trade nights putting her to bed, so it was guaranteed that you were going to have your patience tested while she climbed out of bed when she thought you were sleeping, had her poke you in the face while she thought you were sleeping, and even had you patience tested when she did these things after you actually fell asleep before she did... out of exhaustion or sheer boredom.
Well my friends, her 3rd birthday is quickly approaching. Believe it or not, Anna at this age was just as stubborn, only it was about potty training. At this age, Anna was just finally potty trained while Emma has been now for about 3 or 4 months. And at this age we were still trying to get Anna to sleep on her own, but didn't succeed until just before Emma was born. After Emma moved into Anna's room, Anna declared that it was not fair that Emma got to have snuggle time at bed time and she didn't... so one of us would snuggle with her and the other with Emma. Sheesh.
Over the last few weeks I have beenbrainwashing encouraging Emma to sleep on her own and said that she would be a big girl like her big sis if she could go night-night JUST like she does at nap time, and that bedtime is no different from nap time during the day.
Last night was John's turn to put her to bed, but Emma wanted mommy. I told her it was daddy's turn and she started to cry, "I don't want daddy. I'll go to bed by myself."
Instead of making it a big or negative deal out of it, I talked excitedly about what a big girl she was and how this was a big, exciting deal! And just when I saw a glimmer of doubt in her eyes I did what anydesperate good parent would do...
I bribed her with money. Daddy took my cue and talked animatedly about how she could save her money and get those toys at the store she was always asking for but we never buy (cuz we are po', and we are mean like that).
"Yay! Toys! I want money, I want coins for my bank!"
John and I grinned at each other. mean while, it was my turn to snuggle with Anna at bedtime. After John spent about 10 minutes snuggling with Emma and getting her settled in bed, he went downstairs. I explained to Anna that I would be going downstairs too. While her not yet but almost 3 year old sister (most likely) lay quietly in her bed, playing with a stuffed animal... not making a peep, Emma's now 7 year old sister was weeping like a baby. I explained that it wouldn't be fair to Em for us to stay the usual 1/2 hour to 45 minutes with Anna, and that we would snuggle and say prayers and then I would be going down stairs.
Anna amped it up a notch. Again,I did what anydesperate good parent would do and I threatened to take away computer privileges for the whole weekend if she cried loud enough to upset Emma, and make her cry. I also explained that the usual ratio of night time activities to snuggling could still occur, it would just have to happen before bedtime.
Good lord, people... it was if I had killed her puppy, Hannah Montana and Zac Effron all in one horrible and tragic dog walking hit and run. Really.
To make a short story longggggggg, Emma slept through the night after complaining only twice (about being hungry, and her belly not feeling good), and after consoling her then giving her medicine she was good.
What a gift this is... to have back 2 hours every other day. John and I can actually have comprehensible/adult conversations, we can enjoy watching movies together again. We can have mommy/daddy time again, which , when you think about it, hasn't really happened since the 2 1/2 months before Emma was born. Two and half short months of time together, which doesn't really count because we were stress and exhausted from being preggers.
the down side? At least an hour of work per week will be going to the kids for bribes/allowance LOL! Yeah, that's how little I make right now.
I'm wondering if 20 years from now we'll be sick of looking at each other (slightly annoyed at the very least) and wish to have those little boogers back to snuggle with.
I bet we will. ;)
Toi toi toi, evil eye, evil eye!
Yes I'm in a weird mood, and no, I have no idea what I just said. :P
Since birth, Emma has been stubborn, opinionated and rigid. She fits right in. ;) Not to be unkind, let me explain what I mean. Besides head butting me on a regular basis when she was crying or upset about something, she also liked to head butt me when she didn't have my full attention... as in me trying to type with one hand while trying to get her to sleep. Another interesting thing about Emma was the fact that even though she eventually got used to sleeping in her crib for naps, and even though it only took us about a week to get her to go down without us being in the room with only her Fisher Price birdies to lull her to sleep
... she would absolutely have a meltdown and refuse to sleep in her crib at night, even though she went down for a nap in her crib several times a day without a problem. At night, she wanted to be in bed with mom or dad. We had to take our mattress off the frame and put it on the floor, and one of us has to lay with her until she went to sleep, then we would slip her into her crib, and she would wake up after a few hours and we would have to start all over again sometimes. We are talking 3-4 months here folks... Yes, she was THAT stubborn at that age.Then at 11 months, she moved from her crib to a full sized mattress on the floor and shared a room with her sister. We still had to lay down with her until she went to sleep, usually 1 1/2 to 2 hours. A few frustrating times, it even took almost 3 HOURS!
Again, we got her to lay down for naps pretty easily, only now she was in bed instead of her crib, and she still had her birdies to comfort her to sleep. BUT... still at night, she wanted mom or dad to snuggle with her until she fell asleep.
Eight months ago I tried to get her to go to sleep on her own, and she cried hysterically. It was heart breaking, so of course I couldn't go through with it. John and I trade nights putting her to bed, so it was guaranteed that you were going to have your patience tested while she climbed out of bed when she thought you were sleeping, had her poke you in the face while she thought you were sleeping, and even had you patience tested when she did these things after you actually fell asleep before she did... out of exhaustion or sheer boredom.
Well my friends, her 3rd birthday is quickly approaching. Believe it or not, Anna at this age was just as stubborn, only it was about potty training. At this age, Anna was just finally potty trained while Emma has been now for about 3 or 4 months. And at this age we were still trying to get Anna to sleep on her own, but didn't succeed until just before Emma was born. After Emma moved into Anna's room, Anna declared that it was not fair that Emma got to have snuggle time at bed time and she didn't... so one of us would snuggle with her and the other with Emma. Sheesh.
Over the last few weeks I have been
Last night was John's turn to put her to bed, but Emma wanted mommy. I told her it was daddy's turn and she started to cry, "I don't want daddy. I'll go to bed by myself."
Instead of making it a big or negative deal out of it, I talked excitedly about what a big girl she was and how this was a big, exciting deal! And just when I saw a glimmer of doubt in her eyes I did what any
I bribed her with money. Daddy took my cue and talked animatedly about how she could save her money and get those toys at the store she was always asking for but we never buy (cuz we are po', and we are mean like that).
"Yay! Toys! I want money, I want coins for my bank!"
John and I grinned at each other. mean while, it was my turn to snuggle with Anna at bedtime. After John spent about 10 minutes snuggling with Emma and getting her settled in bed, he went downstairs. I explained to Anna that I would be going downstairs too. While her not yet but almost 3 year old sister (most likely) lay quietly in her bed, playing with a stuffed animal... not making a peep, Emma's now 7 year old sister was weeping like a baby. I explained that it wouldn't be fair to Em for us to stay the usual 1/2 hour to 45 minutes with Anna, and that we would snuggle and say prayers and then I would be going down stairs.
Anna amped it up a notch. Again,I did what any
Good lord, people... it was if I had killed her puppy, Hannah Montana and Zac Effron all in one horrible and tragic dog walking hit and run. Really.
To make a short story longggggggg, Emma slept through the night after complaining only twice (about being hungry, and her belly not feeling good), and after consoling her then giving her medicine she was good.
What a gift this is... to have back 2 hours every other day. John and I can actually have comprehensible/adult conversations, we can enjoy watching movies together again. We can have mommy/daddy time again, which , when you think about it, hasn't really happened since the 2 1/2 months before Emma was born. Two and half short months of time together, which doesn't really count because we were stress and exhausted from being preggers.
the down side? At least an hour of work per week will be going to the kids for bribes/allowance LOL! Yeah, that's how little I make right now.
I'm wondering if 20 years from now we'll be sick of looking at each other (slightly annoyed at the very least) and wish to have those little boogers back to snuggle with.
I bet we will. ;)
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Dis-oriented
Tuesday night I started work at my new place of employment , that I will now only refer to as The T to avoid having my blog googled...
Because we were told that we need to maintain a professional attitude and need to remember that we are representatives of the establishment, whether on the the clock or on Myspace. DOH! Maybe I should just put a disclaimer at the end of each post:
"The opinions stated on this blog are definitely NOT the opinion of this blogger's employer. All almost somewhat positive musings read on this blog should be taken at face value, and at times with a grain ofsarcasm salt. Reading this blog may cause temporary nausea, vomiting, snorting and 'laughing so hard you peed a little'. In rare cases, explosive diarrhea has been known to occur. If you experience any of these side effects, please seek medical attention immediately."
The 4 1/2 hours consisted of learning acronyms, safety regulations, how assist customers including those with disabilities, and being threatened with termination for failing to stow away walkie talkies properly (and for the obvious like theft and fraud).
My fellow orientees were much, MUCH younger than me, which I guess officially makes me the old fart of the group. One was a quiet college student (who was very unfriendly when you get down to it, even though I attempted to strike up conversation) that kept stroking her long purple tinted hair when nervous, and the other was a youngster still in high school. He was kind enough to give me his little stuffed Spot doggie after I asked if I could purchase another one so that I had one for each ankle biter when I got home.
I orient on the cash register tonight, but I am one of the floor workers. I chose this job instead of cashier because I would rather be busy then stand around at the front with nothing to do. So, I'll be the gal who is asking the customers if they need help finding anything, stocking and prettying the shelves, fixing the clothes that y'all mess up after trying them on ;), and working in electronics and jewelry on occasion. Plus I'll be called up to the front to cashier when it's busy. The floor job may sound unglamorous, but I have been told I will have the opportunity to cross train in other sections of the store. Weehoo! On the other hand, I guess I have to stop stuffing all of my unwanted items on the end caps as i make my way to the register. yeah, I'm one of those people. I don't always toss unwanted items on the nearest shelf, just 60% of the time. ;)
I'm not sure if I will stay at The T or not, it depends on how much I am making by the time Emma starts school. My plan is to become a phlebotomist because I have a lot of experience with starting IV's (which is usually a lot harder than drawing blood, but not always).
I have talked about this in the past... but you may be wondering why I would want to work for minimum wage when i was an LPN/LVN in California. The reason is that I received all of my training in the navy, but because of that I am missing theory hours in Labor & Delivery. And because of that most states will not take my license, Iowa being one of them.
I worked as a Hospital Corpsman (medic) for 4 years and because I had over a years experience with actual patient care on a ward, I was able to challenge the LVN boards just before I got out of the Navy- which I passed on the first try. California, Florida and Illinois (I think Maryland was one too at the time) are the only states that will allow hospital corpsmen to do this , mostly because there are teaching facilities in those states. Now Illinois- which is just over the Mississippi River for me- only takes theses licenses on a case by case basis the last time I checked, but was phasing that out.
I was told that I would have to start school for LPN from the beginning in Iowa. The problem is that I have NO COLLEGE under my belt, so I would have to start from square one. At my age (38), it's not something I am sure that I want to do because when I left the profession (though I keep my California license current) I was very burned out.
Nursing is such a hard profession. Working with people is something that i love and actually crave, but the politics I definitely do not miss. I hate to say it, but because nursing is such a high stress job, it also tends to be a very clique-y and bitchy job. There's lots of back stabbing and A Type Personalities , sometimes competing for the same job/promotion. then you have different shifts who tend to be very competitive, which makes the shifts prone to reporting each other for every little mistake because the next shift is the one there to pick up the pieces from the fall out.
You have hard working old timers who pick on the newbies, newbies who think that they are too good to get their hands dirty because they have a degree, and managers who have forgotten what it's like to be a real nurse, and tend to expect their nurses to be Super Women/Men.
Yes, I miss the patient care and contact, but I do not miss all of the millions of papers that a nurse must fill out because of all of the new rules and regulations. there are times that nurses feel like they do more paper work than actual patient care, and despite the continuous increase of paperwork, they are still given the same patient load and sometimes more because of the nursing shortage.... which is a catch 22 because the worse it gets, the more people are looking elsewhere for professions because we all know how tough the health care field is. It's only getting worse. More patients to care for in a shift, more work and stress, more life and death decisions than ever in an 8 hour shift, 12 hours if you are lucky.
Ahhh, now you are beginning to see the dark side of health care and nursing, no? So, these are the things I have to take into consideration before I decide to spend thousands of dollars on schooling, for something I am not sure I want to do any more. What if I spend all of that time away from my family and MONEY, and then I am a burnt out, ulcer ridden mess and hate it?
I tell you though, if Iowa offered to pay for my schooling I would seriously consider it. For now though, phlebotomy is the plan. I can still interact with people and do something I am pretty darned good at, and enjoy doing... well, except for children. i have never drawn blood from a child before so I'm not looking forward to that. I've been on the other end of that whole deal... It's excruciating for the mother and child.
Anyway, working at The T will be OK for now. I need to contribute to the house hold because having a 2nd child and having an older child grow out of jeans and shoes at the speed of sound... well, you know. It's expensive! especially on a MISU's salary. plus at this rate, we'll never be able to celebrate our 20th in style, June 2009. ;)
So there you have it, to make a short story long... the reasons why I am settling for working at The T instead of nursing.
Now I must go do some laundry. A thought just occurred to me... Good lord, I hope my job doesn't involve cleaning The T toilets because I'll quit right now!
Because we were told that we need to maintain a professional attitude and need to remember that we are representatives of the establishment, whether on the the clock or on Myspace. DOH! Maybe I should just put a disclaimer at the end of each post:
"The opinions stated on this blog are definitely NOT the opinion of this blogger's employer. All almost somewhat positive musings read on this blog should be taken at face value, and at times with a grain of
The 4 1/2 hours consisted of learning acronyms, safety regulations, how assist customers including those with disabilities, and being threatened with termination for failing to stow away walkie talkies properly (and for the obvious like theft and fraud).
My fellow orientees were much, MUCH younger than me, which I guess officially makes me the old fart of the group. One was a quiet college student (who was very unfriendly when you get down to it, even though I attempted to strike up conversation) that kept stroking her long purple tinted hair when nervous, and the other was a youngster still in high school. He was kind enough to give me his little stuffed Spot doggie after I asked if I could purchase another one so that I had one for each ankle biter when I got home.
I orient on the cash register tonight, but I am one of the floor workers. I chose this job instead of cashier because I would rather be busy then stand around at the front with nothing to do. So, I'll be the gal who is asking the customers if they need help finding anything, stocking and prettying the shelves, fixing the clothes that y'all mess up after trying them on ;), and working in electronics and jewelry on occasion. Plus I'll be called up to the front to cashier when it's busy. The floor job may sound unglamorous, but I have been told I will have the opportunity to cross train in other sections of the store. Weehoo! On the other hand, I guess I have to stop stuffing all of my unwanted items on the end caps as i make my way to the register. yeah, I'm one of those people. I don't always toss unwanted items on the nearest shelf, just 60% of the time. ;)
I'm not sure if I will stay at The T or not, it depends on how much I am making by the time Emma starts school. My plan is to become a phlebotomist because I have a lot of experience with starting IV's (which is usually a lot harder than drawing blood, but not always).
I have talked about this in the past... but you may be wondering why I would want to work for minimum wage when i was an LPN/LVN in California. The reason is that I received all of my training in the navy, but because of that I am missing theory hours in Labor & Delivery. And because of that most states will not take my license, Iowa being one of them.
I worked as a Hospital Corpsman (medic) for 4 years and because I had over a years experience with actual patient care on a ward, I was able to challenge the LVN boards just before I got out of the Navy- which I passed on the first try. California, Florida and Illinois (I think Maryland was one too at the time) are the only states that will allow hospital corpsmen to do this , mostly because there are teaching facilities in those states. Now Illinois- which is just over the Mississippi River for me- only takes theses licenses on a case by case basis the last time I checked, but was phasing that out.
I was told that I would have to start school for LPN from the beginning in Iowa. The problem is that I have NO COLLEGE under my belt, so I would have to start from square one. At my age (38), it's not something I am sure that I want to do because when I left the profession (though I keep my California license current) I was very burned out.
Nursing is such a hard profession. Working with people is something that i love and actually crave, but the politics I definitely do not miss. I hate to say it, but because nursing is such a high stress job, it also tends to be a very clique-y and bitchy job. There's lots of back stabbing and A Type Personalities , sometimes competing for the same job/promotion. then you have different shifts who tend to be very competitive, which makes the shifts prone to reporting each other for every little mistake because the next shift is the one there to pick up the pieces from the fall out.
You have hard working old timers who pick on the newbies, newbies who think that they are too good to get their hands dirty because they have a degree, and managers who have forgotten what it's like to be a real nurse, and tend to expect their nurses to be Super Women/Men.
Yes, I miss the patient care and contact, but I do not miss all of the millions of papers that a nurse must fill out because of all of the new rules and regulations. there are times that nurses feel like they do more paper work than actual patient care, and despite the continuous increase of paperwork, they are still given the same patient load and sometimes more because of the nursing shortage.... which is a catch 22 because the worse it gets, the more people are looking elsewhere for professions because we all know how tough the health care field is. It's only getting worse. More patients to care for in a shift, more work and stress, more life and death decisions than ever in an 8 hour shift, 12 hours if you are lucky.
Ahhh, now you are beginning to see the dark side of health care and nursing, no? So, these are the things I have to take into consideration before I decide to spend thousands of dollars on schooling, for something I am not sure I want to do any more. What if I spend all of that time away from my family and MONEY, and then I am a burnt out, ulcer ridden mess and hate it?
I tell you though, if Iowa offered to pay for my schooling I would seriously consider it. For now though, phlebotomy is the plan. I can still interact with people and do something I am pretty darned good at, and enjoy doing... well, except for children. i have never drawn blood from a child before so I'm not looking forward to that. I've been on the other end of that whole deal... It's excruciating for the mother and child.
Anyway, working at The T will be OK for now. I need to contribute to the house hold because having a 2nd child and having an older child grow out of jeans and shoes at the speed of sound... well, you know. It's expensive! especially on a MISU's salary. plus at this rate, we'll never be able to celebrate our 20th in style, June 2009. ;)
So there you have it, to make a short story long... the reasons why I am settling for working at The T instead of nursing.
Now I must go do some laundry. A thought just occurred to me... Good lord, I hope my job doesn't involve cleaning The T toilets because I'll quit right now!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
*sigh*
Anna was sick last week with a stomach flu that kept her out of school for 3 days... she felt better Friday evening.
Then promptly cam down with another cold/virus Saturday morning, and was coughing so hard that she threw up a few times. Monday, she felt icky so stayed home a 4th day.
Emma got sick Sunday night.
If you have yard apes, grand-ankle biters or work around the wee folk all day long I am sure you can imagine... all the stuff! (typed with nondescript exhaustion... well, because i am exhausted, so exhausted, i refuse to capitalize :P )
Yesterday, it was encroaching on lunchtime and I got the shakes. I realized that though the tissue terrorizing, prolific booger producing rain forest destroyers that I love so dearly were properly fed clothed and medicated, I had neglected to feed myself.
I heated up the leftovers from Sunday breakfast, and being a little short on money, I decided that all leftovers would be eaten with appreciation. I attempted to heat up my eggs and hash browns.
"Mommy i want up."
Mommy has to have breakfast.
"mommy, I need this."
Not right now, i need to eat.
"mommy, I want that."
I am hungry....
"mommy, i have a booger."
Mommy's have to eat too, ya know....
"Mommy, can i? Mommy give me, mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy I want, Mommy I need..."
Can i please eat my....
"UP mommy... I want mommy..."
"PLEASE, CAN I EAT MY MUSHY, REHEATED HASH BROWNS AND RUBBERY EGGS IN PEACE? I'M STARVING! I just want to eat, give me 10 minutes, for Pete's sake. God!...............help me."
*crickets*
20 seconds go by, and my 2 year old's eyes get a fraction larger.
"Up?"
I bury by head in my hands and stare at the less than appealing clumps of slightly greenish hued scrambled 'used to be eggs'. Blah. I eat but do not enjoy my left overs and wash it down with my barely room temperature coffee. I pretend that the leftover bacon is crunchy, and that it is crunchy enough to drown out the munchkin that continues to blatantly disregard my growled requests to be left alone to consume my lackluster fare.
Then I remember, as I manage to gulp down my practically tasteless coffee, that just 8 years ago we were about to end our 11 years of infertility with the biggest surprise and blessing ever.
It's all worth it, and though i would change a few minor details (as in the frequency of illness, and the rate at which they destroy paper products), I wouldn't trade my booger covered boogers for anything.
The End.
I wrote this post as an entry in the Mommy Tantrum contest... do you have a great mommy Tantrum story? Head on over to Bottles, Barbies and Boys and enter your story!
Saturday, December 01, 2007
I'm raising heathens!
Last night while we were out celebrating me finishing NaNoWriMo, we started a very deep conversation, a conversation all parents eventually have with their kids.
We talked about some of the possible names for expelling methane. I know! It makes a momma proud!
Here are some the ones we came up with, most of them are pretty obvious:
Fart
Poot
Drop a bomb
Cut the cheese
Rip one/it
Me- Your grandpa liked to say purtsy.
Emma- Who, daddy?
John- No my daddy, your grandpa.
Me- He's in heaven, with Jesus.
Emma- Cheesus? I don't know any Cheesus.
Me- That's very unfortunate.
I always told myself that I would make sure my kids new the true meaning of Christmas*. Looks like we're going to have to cram. ;)
We talked about some of the possible names for expelling methane. I know! It makes a momma proud!
Here are some the ones we came up with, most of them are pretty obvious:
Fart
Poot
Drop a bomb
Cut the cheese
Rip one/it
Me- Your grandpa liked to say purtsy.
Emma- Who, daddy?
John- No my daddy, your grandpa.
Me- He's in heaven, with Jesus.
Emma- Cheesus? I don't know any Cheesus.
Me- That's very unfortunate.
I always told myself that I would make sure my kids new the true meaning of Christmas*. Looks like we're going to have to cram. ;)
Monday, November 19, 2007
Have you ever had a friend...
That hurt you so much that you didn't want to talk to them ever again?
I had a friend (who lives 2000 miles away, and that I have been friends with for over 10 years) that had been having marital problems for over 6 years. There have been many, many times that we talked on the phone for hours before and after she started having problems. We have been such good friends that we at times have called each other best friend, and there have been times when we fought and didn't speak for 11 months.
Our relationship was very honest and we could talk about anything. We laughed and cried, we fought, we complained and bitched about our lives and all of that was OK. It was better than OK, she has been as close of a friend as my husband at times.
Over the last year, when her marriage was really in crisis, I had spent hours- willingly because I loved her- on the phone talking about her problems, supporting her decisions, giving advice when she asked. I had spent hours talking and consoling, and at times forgotten to make dinner for my kids (until Anna said she was starving). I spent hours telling my kids "not now I'm on the phone" because my friend lived so far away and was so busy working extra ours to save money for her impending separation, so I talked to her whenever she needed. She was so busy that the only time she ever seemed to call me was when she was driving somewhere.
Then one day, she told me that they had worked things out. Though I still worried about her, I was happy that she was happy and supported her decision because it's her life. Suddenly I was told that she was trying to cut out all the negative people in her life, and I noticed that she usually told me this shortly after I did our usual complaining that we do about things that are annoying us at the time... then she would tell me she was lost and had to get directions, or had another call, and that she would call me back.
And she never did.
This happened once, and though I was hurt, I thought"she is really busy, she'll call me back when she has a chance."
It happened a second time and I said to myself, "That is a weird coincidence. Hmmm, not sure what to think about that."
It happened a third time... so I stopped taking her calls when she finally called me back 3 weeks later.
That was almost 4 months ago, and she stopped calling after I decided not to send her daughter anything for her birthday. I figured she had realized that I was hurt and upset, then got mad that I didn't send her daughter anything. I figured our friendship was pretty much over since she thought I was all of a sudden to negative and she was cutting all of US out of her life.
I told my husband that I had a feeling that she would be calling the next time she needed something. Sure enough, she started calling again.
My problem besides the obvious is that I felt like we have been friends for so many years and the fact that now our friendship arrangement was no longer suitable to her, it was almost like my husband had suddenly told me that he couldn't stand the way I breathe. It hurt me deeply that we have been such close friends over the years that we accepted each others flaws, mourned with each other and even fought like sisters.
And then one day she tells me in so many words that I can't be in her life anymore because what I have offered her over the years (and she had offered back exactly) isn't good enough anymore. I'm too negative suddenly , when I haven't changed the way I have interacted with her as a friend. I'm not good enough.
The problem is that I don't even know if she understands what she has done. Over the years I have overlooked her shortcomings (and I wont list them since I don't know if she reads this blog anymore), and she has over looked mine. Now that her life was back in order and her husband wanted her again, I was no longer needed. It hurt me so much that I couldn't even talk to her about it.
But why talk to someone who obviously doesn't like or even love you anymore? Why waste my energy on someone who obviously feels like I'm inadequate, why put myself through that anymore?
Now, she is calling me again, just like I thought she would. Her husband has changed his mind and is wanting a divorce again, and now since I don't answer her calls- she sending me emails. She is telling people finally that they are separating, when before I was only one of 3 people that knew that her marriage was on the rocks. It's final now and she is sending out emails saying she is going to focus on herself and travel to see friends out of state.
Though I feel bad for her on a basic level, I have been so hurt that anger isn't even an issue anymore,I just don't care.
I feel like she dumped me and now that her dance card is empty, she wants me back to fill the void for her. On some level, I still love her as a friend and though we worked hard to over come our past arguments, I feel as though she attacked my character and told me I wasn't good enough.
If you know me even a little, I am a bit of a dork in so many ways, including social situations. I tend to lash out at people I don't very well if they anger me. The people that I know well and love... if they hurt me I tend to recede and become a hermit. I duck and cover. I know this has a lot to do with my childhood and not being able to have friends, to go out and socialize like a normal teen because I was pretty much locked up at home.
That's why I love blogging. I can socialize and met people, and in a way it's safer that way, but very sad.
I often think and wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot seem to make decent friends in real life, and ask my husband, "Isn't the common denominator me? Either I am attracting the wrong kind of friend because I put out a vibe that people can treat me like crap, or I am socially inept." I often ask my husband, "Am I over reacting?" and he will answer me honestly, and most of the time he will tell me no, that I am not overreacting.
Sometimes he does. And I get pissed. LOL! But I know he is right. Never once during all of this has he told me that I am overreacting.
Anyway, I sound like my friend. We are separating and I am boohooing to you guys. The only difference is that I am neglecting you guys because of NaNoWriMo. :)
BTW, please don't take it personally, I assure you that once I finish this stupid first draft that I will be back laughing with you, heckling you, and just generally being "all up in your business". I haven't visited but a few blogs because writers block is so depressing that even writing comments is mentally crippling. Sad? YES! Self inflicted? Absolutely. Lame? Probably.
Forgive me? Please?
Thanks for listening to me whine about the person who I used to consider my best friend... I feel bad for her , I really do. I just don't know if I am willing to let her kick me in the
I had a friend (who lives 2000 miles away, and that I have been friends with for over 10 years) that had been having marital problems for over 6 years. There have been many, many times that we talked on the phone for hours before and after she started having problems. We have been such good friends that we at times have called each other best friend, and there have been times when we fought and didn't speak for 11 months.
Our relationship was very honest and we could talk about anything. We laughed and cried, we fought, we complained and bitched about our lives and all of that was OK. It was better than OK, she has been as close of a friend as my husband at times.
Over the last year, when her marriage was really in crisis, I had spent hours- willingly because I loved her- on the phone talking about her problems, supporting her decisions, giving advice when she asked. I had spent hours talking and consoling, and at times forgotten to make dinner for my kids (until Anna said she was starving). I spent hours telling my kids "not now I'm on the phone" because my friend lived so far away and was so busy working extra ours to save money for her impending separation, so I talked to her whenever she needed. She was so busy that the only time she ever seemed to call me was when she was driving somewhere.
Then one day, she told me that they had worked things out. Though I still worried about her, I was happy that she was happy and supported her decision because it's her life. Suddenly I was told that she was trying to cut out all the negative people in her life, and I noticed that she usually told me this shortly after I did our usual complaining that we do about things that are annoying us at the time... then she would tell me she was lost and had to get directions, or had another call, and that she would call me back.
And she never did.
This happened once, and though I was hurt, I thought"she is really busy, she'll call me back when she has a chance."
It happened a second time and I said to myself, "That is a weird coincidence. Hmmm, not sure what to think about that."
It happened a third time... so I stopped taking her calls when she finally called me back 3 weeks later.
That was almost 4 months ago, and she stopped calling after I decided not to send her daughter anything for her birthday. I figured she had realized that I was hurt and upset, then got mad that I didn't send her daughter anything. I figured our friendship was pretty much over since she thought I was all of a sudden to negative and she was cutting all of US out of her life.
I told my husband that I had a feeling that she would be calling the next time she needed something. Sure enough, she started calling again.
My problem besides the obvious is that I felt like we have been friends for so many years and the fact that now our friendship arrangement was no longer suitable to her, it was almost like my husband had suddenly told me that he couldn't stand the way I breathe. It hurt me deeply that we have been such close friends over the years that we accepted each others flaws, mourned with each other and even fought like sisters.
And then one day she tells me in so many words that I can't be in her life anymore because what I have offered her over the years (and she had offered back exactly) isn't good enough anymore. I'm too negative suddenly , when I haven't changed the way I have interacted with her as a friend. I'm not good enough.
The problem is that I don't even know if she understands what she has done. Over the years I have overlooked her shortcomings (and I wont list them since I don't know if she reads this blog anymore), and she has over looked mine. Now that her life was back in order and her husband wanted her again, I was no longer needed. It hurt me so much that I couldn't even talk to her about it.
But why talk to someone who obviously doesn't like or even love you anymore? Why waste my energy on someone who obviously feels like I'm inadequate, why put myself through that anymore?
Now, she is calling me again, just like I thought she would. Her husband has changed his mind and is wanting a divorce again, and now since I don't answer her calls- she sending me emails. She is telling people finally that they are separating, when before I was only one of 3 people that knew that her marriage was on the rocks. It's final now and she is sending out emails saying she is going to focus on herself and travel to see friends out of state.
Though I feel bad for her on a basic level, I have been so hurt that anger isn't even an issue anymore,I just don't care.
I feel like she dumped me and now that her dance card is empty, she wants me back to fill the void for her. On some level, I still love her as a friend and though we worked hard to over come our past arguments, I feel as though she attacked my character and told me I wasn't good enough.
If you know me even a little, I am a bit of a dork in so many ways, including social situations. I tend to lash out at people I don't very well if they anger me. The people that I know well and love... if they hurt me I tend to recede and become a hermit. I duck and cover. I know this has a lot to do with my childhood and not being able to have friends, to go out and socialize like a normal teen because I was pretty much locked up at home.
That's why I love blogging. I can socialize and met people, and in a way it's safer that way, but very sad.
I often think and wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot seem to make decent friends in real life, and ask my husband, "Isn't the common denominator me? Either I am attracting the wrong kind of friend because I put out a vibe that people can treat me like crap, or I am socially inept." I often ask my husband, "Am I over reacting?" and he will answer me honestly, and most of the time he will tell me no, that I am not overreacting.
Sometimes he does. And I get pissed. LOL! But I know he is right. Never once during all of this has he told me that I am overreacting.
Anyway, I sound like my friend. We are separating and I am boohooing to you guys. The only difference is that I am neglecting you guys because of NaNoWriMo. :)
BTW, please don't take it personally, I assure you that once I finish this stupid first draft that I will be back laughing with you, heckling you, and just generally being "all up in your business". I haven't visited but a few blogs because writers block is so depressing that even writing comments is mentally crippling. Sad? YES! Self inflicted? Absolutely. Lame? Probably.
Forgive me? Please?
Thanks for listening to me whine about the person who I used to consider my best friend... I feel bad for her , I really do. I just don't know if I am willing to let her kick me in the
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