A little bit of this...

And a little bit of that. That is what 2013 is bringing hopefully!

Though I am not sure if putting my jewelry and teacup candles in the local hospital gift shop is going to work out, I do have a couple of deals in the works.

My best friend has a beautiful blog and I came up with the idea of making pendants/necklaces for it as I fashioned a heart shaped pendant for her Christmas last month. I purchased a professional jewelry tumbler to add a super glossy and professional  finish to the pieces. I think they came out so pretty!

I am pretty proud of myself for not giving up on making precious metal clay jewelry after almost 2 weeks of trying to fill an order and having the process fail at every step, every turn to the tune of 12-14 pieces made and only 4 actually surviving the process. I learned a lot about myself in the process, mostly that I am willing to do what it takes to get it right. I really wanted to give up and tell the customer that I couldn't do it, but I didn't... I pushed through the frustrations and out right disappointment.

I have another amazing friend who I approached about a collaborative project for his book You Know What To Do ©, where I want to make really cool unisex dog tag style pendants  with his logo and his trade mark YKWTD © on them. He loves my idea and I will be moving forward with that ASAP. 

Right now I am working on making images in Photoshop of the stamps I want made to make the Bliss and YKWTD pendants, as well as a cute little robot my daughter drew that she named Bowbot I want to make pendants and earrings out of.

My best friend Monique bought me a light box and lights to take better photos of my jewelry, I am super excited to break those out soon. That will make taking pics less of a back breaking experience for me, It's going to be so much easier not to have to rush because the sun is going down or it's getting cloudy!

I am still taking pieces here and there to The Painted Rooster here in town, I do have a few pieces I need to work on for them as well, including a free form wire necklace that mimics a cherry blossom branch with a delicate little bird dangling from it. Those ladies always keep me guessing when I bring in new pieces, I love that! I'm never quite sure which pieces they will go gaga for!

So despite having the worst flu I have ever had in my life this week- and being the sickest I have been in years, things are looking up. I am working hard at making things happen, and will get back to diving in after this flu says adios.

I am looking ahead, looking forward... I am trying to look at what is on the horizon and stop worrying about yesterday. I cannot change any of that and am learning that I might not be able to change those things in the future either based on my  track record in those areas, so I am still mulling over those things but only in the context of whether it is worth my time.

I believe you can love people and move on. NOW. FINALLY I am seeing this. I can feel love for someone and keep moving forward and hope that our paths will cross again in a better place in the future. No hostility, no resentments.

I am almost somewhat positive. *wink* 

Well, it looks like it's that time of year again!

It has been brought to my attention that I am seriously over due for a blog update, by one of the people I care about most in this world- my best friend Monique. She is right, so here I am at 7 am, at task.

This last 12 months has been something else, a lot of good and a lot of "Seriously???"

In the last year I lost a relationship (said good bye to an odd and nearly one sided friendship), became best friends with one of the most amazing people on the planet, saw my fledgling business alternately struggle and soar- oddly within weeks of each other, ignited a spark in troubled family relationships and watched as the spark went out ... yet again. I was featured in a news paper article, on the front page of my local newspaper mid December 2012 for being a local artisan who sells globally, like on Etsy. And of course I was diagnosed with a syndrome that will forever affect the quality of my life last April, fibromyalgia.

As always, like for most people, the coming of the new year brings a mixture of joy and dread. The possibility, the dream of starting anew tainted with an obscene amount of self flagellation, self-absorbed pondering, regret and eventually desperate resolutions.

Over the last week and a half I have emotionally flogged myself for not being what others want me to be, for failing to meet their expectations, for not fitting the mold they envision for me. I have wondered about my short comings, what I could have possibly done to have been tossed aside yet again, what I could do to make them want me a part of their lives again.

I told my husband last night that I do not want to be like the person previously mentioned who once had been my friend. I ended that relationship because it was no longer a giving/receiving relationship, I feel it turned into me mostly giving.

 Since ending it- which ended in this person refusing to see that it was over, and with her contacting me on every mode of communication on the internet ( Twitter, Youtube, mine, my husband and daughter, and my other friends Facebook accounts, Etsy, all of my email accounts, my husbands email, texts to my phone and my husband's cell), this person has pretty much cyber stalked me. I clearly told her over each mode of communication that I did not want a relationship with her anymore, and yet she persisted, to the point of me telling her I would call the police if she did not stop harassing me.

To date, over the last 11 months I still have received 3 or more messages/emails above and beyond about 50 communications already mentioned via messages, emails and texts. Which boggles my mind. Why would a person continue to pursue a relationship where she was so clearly not wanted anymore?

Last night I realized I was that person. I have people in my life who would rather be done with me. I know by their actions, their behavior towards me, their lack of wanting to communicate with me... and some of these people are my family.

Over the last week and a half I have beat myself up for not being who they want me to be. Wondered what I could change to make them want me back in their lives. I felt as though they were trying to fit me into a vessel of their choosing, in a shape they desired, and I desperately tried to squeeze myself into that vessel.

Last night this made perfect sense to me: I am a vessel in my own right. Yes I am human, and my vessel is flaked and cracked, scratched and stained... but what some people would  find distressed and damaged other people have found "antiqued" and charming, maybe even shabby chic *smile*.

Why would I continue to waste my time and energy on being someone and something I am not? Why try to squeeze myself into their mold of who they think I should be, then be disappointed along with them that I don't fit in that shiny new vessel they want for me?

Fighting back tears momentarily while talking with my husband in the wee hours, in the comfort of darkness and our bed, all of this dawned on me.

For this new year I choose to stop wasting time on trying to be the person other people want me to be. I have decided to stop of wasting energy metaphorically trying to fit my plus sized body into skinny jeans to please other people. Instead of trying to be a better, different person I am going to take that energy and focus on being a better me. 

I will repair this vessel. I will fill in the cracks, sand it, maybe put on a new lacquer that enhances the beauty of who I am, instead of chiseling away at myself or painting over everything and losing who I am. I can be a better me: a better wife, friend and mother.

So my reader, this is my wish for you as well for this new year. My wish for you and I is that instead of beating ourselves up with resolutions, hating bad habits and shortcomings we feel about ourselves or imagine what other people see in us...

My wish for us is a year of self acceptance and love, along with a little sanding and buffing.

Be flawed. Embrace your patina, chips and cracks because after all they are what make you uniquely you.

Peace, love and laquer to you,

Mary

Letting in the light

I decided to wash the dishes and I looked out my kitchen window to see helicopter seeds floating down from the gray sky. Despite the dreariness of the day that brought me momentary joy and smile to my tired face.

My eyes moved to the old tree in our backyard and my moment of joy settled like those seeds drifting across my yard. Dry and blackened in spots, a husk of tree hulks over my house and I am scared that we are one storm away from the upper level being destroyed, our children hurt. Some thirty feet it stands leafless and nearly lifeless, it's bark having fallen off in places. I am truly saddened to see what has become of our beloved shade tree.

I wistfully think about my kids as little ones, this house being the only home they have ever known... tripping over the damned roots of that tree. Despite the bumps and bruises and the momentary tears we have all enjoyed the shade, the sweet rustling of it's tender leaves on warming spring days, and eventually the solace it gave us from the exhausting heat of humid Iowa summers. It was almost as if it knew it had to hang on to get my girls through the early years, providing a haven from light rain and brief rain showers, it's branches hanging over part of their swing set and the rain bouncing from one leaf to another but never really hitting them.

Our tree will be cut down within the next week, and Jacob will never know all of those little things my daughters experienced as little ones. All those things we tend to take for granted that, the seemingly minute details that will one day make their childhood stories somehow more real and tangible. Fond memories from tiny scars...Sweetness for the most bitter of days.

We have known for several years our tree would be cut down and I have wondered how we will ever do without it's shade. Sections of the tree died over the years and we ignored how ugly those branches were, we chose to enjoy what it had left to give us.

I think about how I will miss those approving whispers that graced my ears as I closed my eyes for a moment, my nose raised to catch the green scents that swirled around me. I will miss almost hearing "This... this... this...", the wind tangling and untangling the leaves to cry out in unison as if warning me that I should appreciate this moment. Here, Now; whispers that were muffled by screeches and giggly laughter, the creaking of the swing set and endless requests for food and drink.

But cutting away this dead tree will allow your windows to let in much more light, cheering you despite the summer heat - I think, the repetition of washing dishes almost soothing me. It's wood will warm you in the winter, crackling in the glow of your fireplace... anointing  your aching bones. Pretty things will now grow in the places where shadows once were. All things fade, allowing for new life in it's place.


There is so much to be taken from this moment. It speaks to spirituality, to providing a safe haven for my children, life and death and the seeming finality. It spoke to me deeply about my body feeling as if it were failing me, about being so strong yet so fragile.

I'm choosing to ignore the gnarled-ness that my joints feel, the blackened spots on my heart and soul. I still have plenty of shade to give, solace to offer. I'm going to continue to produce gentle whispers of approval, soft reminders to my children to appreciate This. Here. Now... Only I will tuck my roots in as much as possible, I will not trip them up or alter their course from shade to light.

This...


Here...


Now...

Love thy neighbor...

Except when they act like an idiot.

OK, I know that's not how the scripture goes... but I have a low tolerance level for stupid people.

And no, I don't mean those that are mentally deficient or special needs, I'm talking about the people that really should have a clue and know better. Kind of like my neighbor, who I am sure at one time in her life was considered the "girl next door". Shoot, my husband tells me that he hears that she has guys lining up at her office door (she works at the same hospital in town that he does), all of them vying for her attentions and affections, while she sits there giving them the million dollar (and quite fake) smile.

No I'm not jealous. And I would never bat my eye lashes to get some guy to come over to do my yard work for me. I think we can safely say that she uses her feminine wiles so that men will do things for her. I'm guessing she doesn't reserve those niceties for men either. She has tried her charms on me, and what I mistook for her just being nice tome... well I have discovered that her niceness has a price, to the sum of free part time day care.

Since the 4th of July, and since I told her kid that she was not allowed in my yard the day after, my neighbor has ignored me. Oh, she ignored John too, but only while I was around. Later, she called my husband for tech support for her PC. Which , given my feelings for her because of her repeated use of me, I was a little pissed at him for going over there to fix it. But he did get 20.00 out of it, so at least he didn't do it for free.

Anywho, a week and a half ago, she saw me working the sales floor at The T, and she starts up polite chit chat with me. I was civil, mostly talking to her daughter. That was fine, whatever. LAST WEEK, she shows up at the Snack bar of The T where I happen to be working a shift. She orders snacks for her kids from me, then proceeds to tell me that "she's going to look at a new car seat, they should be fine"- meaning sitting there by themselves. WTH????

I stand there with my mouth open at the audacity of this woman while I hear her muttering to her kids something about "you better be good for something-y (which I assume was my name, Mary), or they would never get ICEE's at The T again"- and think to myself, "Even at work I have to deal with this sh*t?"

Thank goodness it was time for my break, and my team leader came over to relieve me. I stepped from behind the food counter to order my dinner, and in the middle of her scolding her kids she looks up startle and says to me, "OH! Are you leaving???" She then gives me a slightly nervous and fake smile.

"Uh, yeah... I'm going on break."

As I walked away to find that she was still determined to leave her 7 and 4 year old aline in the front of the store NEXT TO THE FRONT ENTRANCE/EXIT, I felt a little guilty. What if some one took one of them? What if they went to use the restroom (that was only about 10 yards away), and some stranger hurt them?

I'm no saint, but I do feel bad when the safety of children is taken for granted... But I decided that I was NOT going to sit there gulping my food for the measly 15 minute break that I get when working at the snack bar... the whole while disciplining her children for her. Like I have done when her kids invite themselves over to my yard, and she pretends to not notice, then asks me about an hour or two later "if that's OK" and/or "she hopes that they are being good", when she knows darned well how her son can be (rarely good, almost always in trouble or beating up his sister).

I'm sorry, I don't feel bad that I told her kid to leave my yard on the 4th of July weekend BECAUSE not only was he being down right mean and hurting his sister, he started whacking my kids over the head with toys too. You can't pawn your kids off on somebody then get pissed that your neighbor doesn't want your misbehaving children in their yard. I have enough problems with my own misbehaved-constantly arguing and fighting- children and for sanity's sake, I don't want your children added to the mix.

And you can't just expect that your neighbor is going to watch your kids for you while they are AT WORK, just because you think you have glossed over your idiocy by chit chatting with them for less than 5 minutes, after you have been ignoring them for 3 weeks.

So dear Lord, I know I am supposed to love my neighbor as I love myself, but can you please settle for me not killing her right now?

Thanks Big Guy.

Amen.

I can't stress enough...

***Warning, long with lots of angry complaining... please read the whole thing if you plan on commenting so you know EXACTLY where I am coming from. It's not too late to turn back.... OK, you asked for it!***

We are so back in the land of DRAMA with the MIL. Oh. The. Joys.

So. About a year and a half ago, the MIL starts dating this guy- who, can I just tell you- was just separated from his wife. He was a classmate of the MIL's in high school. He was a bit pushy and mentioned that maybe he could live with the MIL and she told him NO WAY. Good for her.

They continued to see each other for a while and even though she told everyone else on the planet that he was her boyfriend, when I said anything of the sort she snarled at me and said they were just friends. Literally bared her teeth at me, I kid you not.

What- EVER!

A little while after that, when things got a little to heavy for her, she told him she just wanted to be friends and hang out, have fun, nothing too serious. He persisted, she politely declined. He then told her that he got fired from Walmart for "patting a young woman on her butt". WOW. After 3 divorces, still such a good judge of character. That's a heck of a way to (not) break up with some one.

Anywho, that was end of that, she wanted nothing to do with him. A bit after that, we had our falling out with her this summer after she threw a sand pail of water in my 6 year old daughters face, and we didn't talk to her for almost 3 months I think.

I'm not sure when she started dating the very same YAHOO again, but it was around the time that we started to tolerate her presence in public again, and around the time that she decided to ambush me at a family member's birthday party... thinking in her twisted brain that her manipulating the situation and insisting to my face that I have slapped her in the past- ALL WHILE GRIPPING ME BY THE ARM and refusing to let me go until I heard her out- that this would suffice as "the talk " that we told her we needed to have before she could spend time with our kids. Grrrr.

Anyway, I believe that this yahoo that she had sworn she would never see again had possibly filled some void for her while she was refused access to her grand kids. Because of her crazy, unpredictable behavior.

Good for her.

Recently, (about 2-3 weeks ago) Anna was allowed to spend the night at her house. We had forgotten that the yahoo was back in the picture. The next day, the MIL calls and says, "We're going out to dinner to Wendy's, the yahoo and his grandson are coming too. Bah blah blah... Oh. I hope that's OK."

We were not OK with it because the yahoo already has a questionable character, but since they were going to be in public, we said fine. After Anna came home from the MIL's, Anna tells us that yahoo came over to the MIL's apartment. John and I looked at each other and I asked Anna if she had been left alone with yahoo at any time. Yes, she had, while the MIL went to the restroom and went to the kitchen.

Did I happen to mention that I had not even met this yahoo yet, and John had only been introduced in passing? And that the MIL KNOWS about how I was sexually abused by my father, and how I am very protective of my children, and she knows that I have a general mistrust of people when it comes to my girls? I told John early on while we dated that if my father has no problem doing that to me, I know strangers care even less what they do to children, and that was why I planned to be very protective if I ever had kids.

She knows ALL of this.

She knew she was in the wrong, that is why she did what she always does and asked after telling us what she was going to do (or in some cases, already did), by asking if " it's ok". John called her and let her know that this was unacceptable. He told her, "If he is over and Anna is there, and you have to leave the room, Anna is not to be left alone with him, or any stranger."

What does she say? She basically lies by implying that she already thought of that and was compliant by saying, "Oh, of course."

What she doesn't know is that we already knew at that point that she HAD left Anna alone with him.

She then asks, "Well, I'm not saying that this is going to happen but if I get married again, will I ever get to see my grand kids?"

Guilt trip, anyone? OK... so now I'm kind of getting to my point here. First of all, WTH? Married again? Where the heck....

John says, "Yes, but we don't want Anna left in a room with anyone who is a stranger. I'd have to get to know him better before that ever happens."

Two days ago I was talking to John's aunt, who is the MIL's sister. "Did you hear that she said to me that she mentioned to him (yahoo) that they should move in together to make things easier on each other?"

WHAT? Where is this coming from? She has been on meds for months now to "even her out". Honestly, she acts very much like my mother 85% of the time, and could very well be bipolar. Lately, she is short on money, so she cannot afford to compulsively shop like she normally does. She brags to us that she paid off some credit cards, and the next thing we know, she is buying more crap she doesn't need and her cards are maxed out again. Anyway, what she can't afford her usual compulsions so she decides she now NEEDS a man?

Now, here is the kicker... Last night I called her and let her know that I had some cooked chicken breasts that were going to go to waste (since we are eating out tonight and then this weekend I am going to cook the turkey John got from his job at Christmas... cuz we are po' ), and asked if she wanted them. Sure she said, she would swing by and pick them up, and Steve was coming.

I asked, "Right now? My house is a mess." She blew me off by asking me if I was using the turkey... You know the one I had just mentioned, because she listens so well? Because, since John had mentioned that he wanted to get to know yahoo better, she was thinking of having him, his daughter and his grand kids, plus us over for dinner and had thought about using our turkey.

I stood there with my mouth open. John has forgotten to tell me things in the past, but I was pretty sure, positive actually that since I know my husband pretty darned well , and given the fact that we have been dissatisfied with the whole yahoo thing....... That my sweet and loving husband HAD NOT SAID ANYTHING OF THE SORT, and that once again we were being pressured into something we didn't want to do by her twisting our words, or because she is out of her gourd.

So, last night, after putting the kids to bed, and after the MISU got home from being out with some friends, I ask him. Heck no, he never said that he actually wanted to get to know him better, he said"I'd have to get to know him better before that ever happens".

DOH! Then, the icing on the cake? When the yahoos arrived so that the MIL could pick up the chicken, I said, "I would say excuse the mess, but it always looks like this."

He looked me straight in the eye and said in deliberate tones, "I have grand kids that come over to my apartment. They have their own area for toys, but," he leans forward, turning red, sputtering and shaking a bit," I tell them one time. And if they don't pick them up..." He crosses hims arms emphatically, giving me a stern look. A look my MIL didn't see because she was standing in front of the yahoo the whole time they were in my entry way, and never once turned to look at him.

I stood there with my mouth ajar.

Later, after I put the kids to bed I thought to myself- what was that supposed to mean? Was he inferring that I was a bad mother for not making my kids too afraid to leave their toys out? OR, given the fact that all of a sudden, in a span of a week I hear that she mentioned to him about moving in together and MARRIAGE, is he inferring something about how things will go with my kids?

I don't fricking think so. I have been doing so well with not cursing lately... but let me tell you, based on my reaction last night after that little tidbit had time to sink in? I can't even think about cursing for the next 3 weeks. I'm "caught up".

That JACKASS has another thing coming if he and his 2 brain cells think that he will EVER talk to my kids like that. There are no (polite) words to describe how I will handle that situation. Lets just say that I am SURE, with every fiber of my being, that I will be "caught up" for roughly a year.

Let me just say that I believe that the MIL deserves as much happiness as anyone else, but given the fact that she has had a history of picking real losers as husbands.... I see divorce #4 in the horizon?!?

John's dad turned out to be an alcoholic who later before he died, his long time skank of a GF pretty much told us that they were dating before John's parents split up. Hedidn't pay child support at all, and rarely saw his kids.

Her next husband was the one that tried to get John and his brother and sister to hand sickle over an acre of property. John refused to do it and left, ran away right in front of her, and she didn't even try to stop John- who was 15- from leaving. before she married this jerk she asked them what they thought of him, and they all said they didn't like him. She married him anyway. After they got married and 3 days after they moved into a new house ( an old farm house), the house burned to the ground and they lost everything. John believes that he (the jerk) deliberately set the fire for the money. John never moved back home with his mother, and lived with his grandmother. Nice. This is the foundation for their tense relationship.

Idiot #3: 10-12 years younger than her, turned out to be a coke head. Their apartment was broken into without forced entry 3 times and valuables and money that only they knew about was gone. Overtime he supposedly did was unaccounted for on his pay stubs. We all ( including her kids) tried to convince her that since they were ALL unforced entries, and that money that they only knew about was missing from their apartment, that it had to be him... she told us all to but out, including the 2 kids she still had living with her.While John and I were in the Persian Gulf in '90, and the MIL took over our finances while we were gone... 500.00 went missing from my checking account, and she said she knew nothing about it. later, his girl friend showed up and said she was pregnant, that he had indeed been the one breaking into their apartment and stealing valuables and money, and that he had spent it all on coke for the two of them (him and the girl friend). After all of that, she still considered taking him back.

Now, here is the most troubling part: 9 months ago, I had mentioned something about the asshat that hurt me as a kid, and that I would kill if anything like that happened to my girls. She then tells me that her daughter had told her that JERK #3 had sexually assualted her (my MIL didn't go in to specifics, but said that my SIL had said that he "Had tried stuff with her"), but that the MIL refused to believe her own daughter. As if this could possible exonerate her, the MIL said, "I believe her now."

Sooooo, now you know why this is such a big deal to us. When it comes to men, the MIL always seems to put them and her own needs above her children. John and I vow that she isn't going to get the chance to screw our kids up too. They are already destined to be a little messed up, having a neurotic mother.

John said he will talk to her today, since Anna was supposed to sleep over Friday, and tell her that if yahoo is going to be there then Anna isn't coming.

I am worried that given all of the bad choices that she has made in the past with my kids (and her own) that Anna shouldn't be over there at all. I have a sinking suspicion that possibly the MIL will try to make Anna keep secrets about stuff that isn't supposed to happen... just to not hurt the yahoo's feelings. Shoot, I was thinking last night that she may have already told Anna to keep secrets about certain things, because she also has a history of us catching her in lies and trying to cover her ass, after doing something that put our kids in jeopardy.

*When you lay it all out like this, it sounds completely insane to think that we have entrusted our most precious possessions to this woman, ONCE AGAIN. It's insane to think that after 61 years that she can change. I guess despite the fact that John and I are typically hard asses when it comes to protecting our kids, we have just been asses and complete dumb asses to think that she will ever change and that our kids will really truly be safe. She does change how she operates a bit... but I think it's mostly to lull us into a false sense of security, basically so she can get what she wants.

What the hell is wrong with us? I really think it has to do with her being the only grand parent left, since I will have nothing to do with my own mother. Also, like I said before, we just want to hope that people (she) will change, and that our kids can enjoy a NORMAL relationship with their last remaining grand parent. Sadly, it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

I just told John *this a few minutes ago when he dropped Anna off after school. He agrees with me that she really can't watch our kids.

I realize how incredibly stupid I sound right now. Not to worry, bloggin always helps me see things more clearly. I have a feeling someone is still going to call me an idiot, despite explaining myself.

I've been called worse... I can take it.

Oh, Happy Valentine's Day. ;)

School Year's Resolutions

*** Check out an earlier post of Emma-isms for today, below***

Kelly over at PTT has a wonderful idea- focus on goals for your family throughout the year. This is such an inspiration, especially since Kelly added her own special note to her idea, which is:

I believe the better me I can be, the better mom I can be.

Nothing could be more true. How can I expect to keep my family happy and on track if I am no where near achieving those things for myself? At first I struggled with this idea. Change is hard, so I began to think about what we were already doing right... things we had already implemented just before the start of the school year.

• Family reading time, every day.
• (More recently) Eating healthy by making meal plans and allowing everyone to choose a meal for the week, then finding lower fat versions of the recipes.
• Being more diligent about our routines and schedules and wavering as little as possible once school started. (Anna's post school routine of snack, 1/2 hour of TV to unwind, home work, clean room... all the way up to bed time routines)
• Being less negative when disciplining the kids by correcting them, but by also giving positive reinforcement by highlighting and praising them when they do something the right way.
  

Things I resolve to work harder on:

• Exerting more patience in my life.
• Dealing with negative forces as tactfully as possible.
• Make an actual exercise schedule and stick to it, 3 times a week (dusting off the exercise equipment on the porch!).
• Take over the bills to relieve the stress on my poor forgetful and over- worked hubby, therefore creating a less stressed family environment because the bills are getting paid on time and our (insert utility here) isn't getting turned off. (Like our water yesterdayLOL!)
  
• Being more diligent about returning important phone calls
• Making appointments for the family (mostly myself...moms, you know how that goes), because a healthy family is a happy family.
  

I will add more to the list as I think of them, mostly to keep myself accountable. ;) This was actually a really pleasant experience for me because I had not realized how well the improvements we made a month ( or so) ago had been working. if you like this idea, head over to Kelly's blog, leave a comment and/or leave a link letting her know you are participating. I hope you all have a happy and healthy school year!