12

My baby is going to be 12 in 21 days. TWELVE.

My oldest child... the beginning of something truly beautiful, a new phase of my life that I thought I would never be lucky enough to experience.


It's been gritty and tortuous being a parent, and at other times soulful and stomach-hugging hilarious.

Today, I realized that my oldest child is so much like me, so much more than I had ever realized. I mean, I had always thought she looked a little more like me and we share a eerily similar sense of humor. We inflect on words the same, and our laughs can be the same growly, bark of a laugh or nearly the same hysterical howl. We share almost the exact same nose, and we both feel the same dread over the size.

But beyond all of that, while we talked about friendships, I could see the person she is becoming. At some point we were both exasperated and my eyes were opened, as I forced myself to listen more instead pontificating aloud, sharing my "refined" wisdom as an adult.

As I admitted to her that I didn't know everything I saw something click in my daughter, as if those were the words she had been longing me to say since her existence.

I stopped for a moment and told her that all I ever want for her in life is to do good, and not make the same mistakes I did. My words are meant as a cautionary tale, never judgement. I want to give my kids all the things my mother didn't like sound advice and a bent ear... understanding.

We had an honest talk about a friendship she has that has turned sour, and this person is no longer viewed through rose colored glasses and Anna is finally seeing her for who she really is: a mean spirited brat who enjoys humiliating and bullying others. Now that Anna has rekindled a friendship from  grade school- who this mean little bully does not like- now the bully has caught my daughter in her icy glare. Anna has now been bullied.

Don't weep for my child, make no mistake... my daughter is strong in will and most of the time character. I am proud of her for standing up to this miserable little person, and for standing her ground.

She is a bit hard headed like her dad's side of the family, and she can be a little tender under her hard shell... both of which she gets from me I think. It hurts me to see her frustration (and hurt, though she refuses to admit it), but I laid out the options/choices ahead of her in this situation.

1. The obvious backstabbing and dirtying of the name of said person, justified by tales of all the ways this person has hurt her... which NEVER ends well and ALWAYS backfires.

2. Stay neutral and continue to defend herself while faking her way through this botched "friendship".

3. MOVE ON. Leave it all behind and enjoy those people who really truly are her friends.

She did say midway through our talk that she had just had the realization, "Why am I bothering to be friends with her?"

So if nothing hopefully she now understands that confiding in her mom can be cathartic and therapeutic, and that I am an ally and not the enemy.

And maybe, just maybe she realizes that I do pretty much know what I am talking about. Most of the time.

Usually.

I learned today that it's not such a bad thing that we are so much alike.

I hope that one day she realizes it too.

Peace,
Mary

Letting in the light

I decided to wash the dishes and I looked out my kitchen window to see helicopter seeds floating down from the gray sky. Despite the dreariness of the day that brought me momentary joy and smile to my tired face.

My eyes moved to the old tree in our backyard and my moment of joy settled like those seeds drifting across my yard. Dry and blackened in spots, a husk of tree hulks over my house and I am scared that we are one storm away from the upper level being destroyed, our children hurt. Some thirty feet it stands leafless and nearly lifeless, it's bark having fallen off in places. I am truly saddened to see what has become of our beloved shade tree.

I wistfully think about my kids as little ones, this house being the only home they have ever known... tripping over the damned roots of that tree. Despite the bumps and bruises and the momentary tears we have all enjoyed the shade, the sweet rustling of it's tender leaves on warming spring days, and eventually the solace it gave us from the exhausting heat of humid Iowa summers. It was almost as if it knew it had to hang on to get my girls through the early years, providing a haven from light rain and brief rain showers, it's branches hanging over part of their swing set and the rain bouncing from one leaf to another but never really hitting them.

Our tree will be cut down within the next week, and Jacob will never know all of those little things my daughters experienced as little ones. All those things we tend to take for granted that, the seemingly minute details that will one day make their childhood stories somehow more real and tangible. Fond memories from tiny scars...Sweetness for the most bitter of days.

We have known for several years our tree would be cut down and I have wondered how we will ever do without it's shade. Sections of the tree died over the years and we ignored how ugly those branches were, we chose to enjoy what it had left to give us.

I think about how I will miss those approving whispers that graced my ears as I closed my eyes for a moment, my nose raised to catch the green scents that swirled around me. I will miss almost hearing "This... this... this...", the wind tangling and untangling the leaves to cry out in unison as if warning me that I should appreciate this moment. Here, Now; whispers that were muffled by screeches and giggly laughter, the creaking of the swing set and endless requests for food and drink.

But cutting away this dead tree will allow your windows to let in much more light, cheering you despite the summer heat - I think, the repetition of washing dishes almost soothing me. It's wood will warm you in the winter, crackling in the glow of your fireplace... anointing  your aching bones. Pretty things will now grow in the places where shadows once were. All things fade, allowing for new life in it's place.


There is so much to be taken from this moment. It speaks to spirituality, to providing a safe haven for my children, life and death and the seeming finality. It spoke to me deeply about my body feeling as if it were failing me, about being so strong yet so fragile.

I'm choosing to ignore the gnarled-ness that my joints feel, the blackened spots on my heart and soul. I still have plenty of shade to give, solace to offer. I'm going to continue to produce gentle whispers of approval, soft reminders to my children to appreciate This. Here. Now... Only I will tuck my roots in as much as possible, I will not trip them up or alter their course from shade to light.

This...


Here...


Now...

Jacobs First Birthday OR I forgot how hectic birthday parties can be

Ahhhh another birthday, and being a birthday veteran I did what I normally would do, preparing as much as possible the day before. This time around I did things a little differently... I chided myself for not thinking of this sooner: Why not put up birthday decorations a day early and save myself the stress! Just like realizing that I could mash up a hot dog with a garlic press 10+ years after my first child... seriously? How did this not dawn on me?

I congratulated myself for being so ready this year. I envisioned myself relaxing on my couch just waiting for guests to arrive. HA! Again, how is it that after 41 years I still have not learned that "Pride goeth before the fall..." (thus sayeth the Lord, Amen)
At 1140 am I started grilling hamburgers 10 minutes late, but the party was at noon so everything is ok. At 1143 it started to rain on me. Normally I would take this as a bad sign, but I was too busy making sure I didn't burn the main course. At 1146 I again congratulated myself for producing 10 juicy-ever so slightly charred in just the right places- hamburgers while walking up my not exactly clean back stairs to go inside... and promptly lost my grip on the container from greasy fingers and rain. Ummhmmm. Yup. I dropped ALL of the precious meaty cargo on the stairs, a few bouncing off into the grass.

"*(&%#$@)*!" I gathered up the damaged goods and tossed them and started round two. Whilst inside talking to an early guest and glancing frantically at the clock- not realizing that the grease from round one was flaming like a set of space shuttle thrusters, therefore increasing the core temperature of the grill to 600 degrees- I finally whispered agitated apologies while leaving them mid-sentence to find round 2 almost completely destroyed.

I stared sadly at their charred remains and whispered a silent curse laden prayer to the grill gods that I have something to feed the masses. I broke off the scorched edges of 2 of the only edible burgers and threw the other 6 away. I threw the rest of the burgers from the big frozen box o'meat on the grill and eyed the grill angrily, thinking of our other grilling tussles. This would not be my first go-round with the flaming metal beast.

Success!!! I managed the hot dogs, got annoyed that the MIL elbowed her way through guests to feed herself before almost everyone else, we all ate... Jacob opened presents and had a blast!!! He got bored opening like most kids do, and had fun playing with his new presents. I decided to leave the rest of the presents for the next day, they were all from us anyway.







Then I served cake... and once again the kids hadn't even been served yet and the MIL came in hovering over the cake, insisting to get her piece next- with a smile of course. Then told me she wanted to take cake home while pointing to the heavily frosted grassy area of the cake and TOLD me she wanted that section. I did what any self-respecting DIL would do. I got annoyed and "PFFFFT'd" to her face and made her scoop ice cream.





While this was happening, I completely forgot that Jacob had been served a small piece. John took pics of him sampling it- taking dainty and controlled finger fulls, then took pics of the guests... mean while NEITHER of his brilliant parents watched, or his grandma standing right in front of him scooping ice cream watched- while he proceeded to jam almost the whole piece in his mouth, eyes bulging, giving a cough.

Thank goodness Cousin Candice Thomson was watching and her mommy instincts kicked in... she ran over and scooped cake from his mouth with a hooked finger. I heard him cry and ran over to break him free of his high chair. *PHEW-sigh* I thought two three things:
1.Thank the Lord for fellow mommies.
2.I'm a horrible parent and and my husband is an idiot.
3. Vice versa.

The rest of the party went great, he had a wonderful time playing with his presents- most of it with his mouth open LOL!



Cleaning up the kitchen so we could go to the city pool next, I dropped a bottle of Southwest Spicey Mustard which did a lovely swan dive, then bounced doing a triple axle, then exploded all over my leg/foot/flip flop and the cake box. Heh heh heh heh. All I could do was giggle. My friend Michelle giggled with me after I told her all that had happened, and kindly rinsed my flip flop in the sink for me while telling me she and her BF would have just rinsed them off and served them.

We went to the pool at about 3pm, Jacob disliked the pool very much and protested quite loudly, while Emma (who cannot swim) decided it would absolutely be the best thing to walk off the second I take my eyes off of her and walk to where her dad was at the diving boards, where I couldn't see her because of a slide encasement right next to me. Literally POOF, gone. I freaked out screaming for her, which was pointless because of the natural din that goes with being at a pool, and asked Anna to look for her. I scanned the pool for her/her swim suit and looked over to the diving pool.

I stopped midway with Jacob in my arms and had a nervous break down for a 1/2 minute, sobbing because my worst fear was coming true- losing my kids... I snapped out of it knowing that standing there sobbing like an idiot was taking away precious searching/rescue time.

I prayed. I pleaded with God in the briefest, most sincere prayer I had ever uttered. "Please God, keep her safe."

I looked back over to the diving pool, and there stood the rest of my family. There stood my middle child, completely unaware of what was happening... standing with her sister (who turned to look back at me, smiling weakly, wincing almost as if she knew what was coming next) and her dad, who was waiting in line for the board.

"You need to hold him RIGHT NOW," I screamed at John.

I grabbed Emma by the arm and screamed at that child... YES, I was THAT lady. At the pool. Screaming at the top of my lungs, "Don't you EVER walk away from me again without telling me where you are going. DON'T EVER do THAT to me AGAIN!!!"

I proceeded to try to calm myself and tell her exactly what I had thought had possibly happened: her being at the bottom of a pool or having been snatched from the pool. We both cried, and I let my anger go. I hugged her, clung to her while she stood there helpless to do otherwise, the both of us crying. I repeated, "IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou, please don't do that again. Ever."

We walked over to the newer kids part of the pool that had fountains and various spraying/splashing apparati for a few minutes, Jacob protested loudly again. Emma promised to stay with Anna and our cousin Melinda... then Jacob and I went over to the shaded snack bar and he fell asleep on me while I watched my girls like a hawk in the play area. Everyone had a great time, I enjoyed the peace and calm of holding my one year old while the noises of the pool lulled him, remembering how a year ago that day I was doing the very same thing- holding my sleeping baby after an exhausting day.

Lesson learned finally. You can never be completely 100% prepared for life... or birthday parties. OR MIL's.

Amen.

*passed out after the pool*

Jacob's Halloween costume!

Matt, my BIL , sent us this costume from our nephew Logan. It's a 6-9 month costume :) Hopefully it wont be unseasonably warm this year. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Jacob (whom I often refer to as Biggie,Biggie Smalls, Big Poppa) is 3 months old now, is 14 lbs 2 ozs and is 24 1/2 inches long.

8 weeks already *sigh*

I have many nick names for my baby boy, hopefully most he WONT be embarrassed by when he gets older... but I doubt it: Big Poppa, Biggie Smalls, Big Man, Chubbeh The Hut just to name a few.

Jacob is doing great except for some issues with formula allergies and sensitivities. We have him on Similac Alimentum but believe it or not his system still hasn't adjusted and he has bowel problems. Our pediatrician wants us to take him to the University of Iowa to a GI specialist to rule out real allergies to milk based formulas since he seemed to have a severe enough reaction for us to call 911 (face swelling, rash, difficulty breathing). She wants to see what he if he is really allergic in preparation for the upcoming months when he will start solid foods.

Anywho, despite him still having loose poops and apparently NOT digesting even the hypoallergenic formula, he seems to be gaining weight just fine and his pediatrician gets a kick out of how much he weighs. Right now he is probably 12 lbs at 8 weeks... not too shabby!

Finally... It's definitely a boy!

Hey there blog reader, I know I am way overdue but not in the way you would think. ;)

I woke up on there morning of July 16th at 6:30 with a contraction of sizable discomfort value. With contraction #2, I grabbed John's (the Male Income Support Unit) arm and said evenly through clenched teeth, " I don't think you will be going to work today." Contraction #3 happened much like #2, about 7 minutes from the previous but a little stronger.

I decided to get up and walk around the quiet house, hoping to get things going as I had failed to do on 2 other occasions within that week. While I was brushing my teeth I called out to my sleeping MISU, "Uhhhhhh, honey? Honnnnnnney, I think my water broke." I stood there with my mouth full of tooth paste, tooth brush poised in mid air waiting for those words to register with John.

Two seconds later a blurry eyed hubby came running to the bathroom. "What should I do?"

"Um, I'm going to call my OB's office, you try to call your mom (so she can stay with Anna and Emma)... and could you please find me some clean maternity undies?"

My Ob's office said to go right to the hospital to be admitted for the already planned c-section. John tried unsuccessfully to get a hold of his mom- who seemed to have turned her phone off because our calls went right to voice mail, so we went to our back up plan, his aunt Sue... Who also was not answering her phone.

10 minutes later, still waiting for my befuddled hubby to find me clean undies, I called my friend and coworker Meghan who had offered to take me to the hospital or watch my girls in case I went into labor early before my MIL had arrived from Texas. Thank God for Meghan, she was there in about 3 minutes!

Since both of our vehicles we in the shop and not running we had to borrow Meghan's car to go to the hospital. Anna (my 9 yr old) calmed her nerves by making some microwave pancakes for herself, Meghan and Emma. My MIL eventually called back while on our way to the hospital.

At 10:16 am, after a few contractions, and after me being jerked all over the surgical table to get him out Jacob Harrison Krajnovich entered this world screaming and healthy 12 days early. He weighed 7 lbs 13 oz and was about 19 1/4 inches long.

His pediatrician brought him over and pressed his little head against my lips repeatedly, in a smooth jabbing motion and finally pressed his face against mine. After a few seconds of me cooing to him ( after I stopped chuckling at our pediatrician LOL), his screams subsided and his proud daddy snapped a few shots.

Mommy and Jacob, my first time holding him about 2 hours after birth :)

Daddy and Jacob on his second day of life :)

Finally a big sis, Emma gets to hold her baby brother after a long 8 1/2 months.

Oldest sister Anna, soooo proud and excited!

My life saver, Miss Meghan getting some baby loves :D

Jacob is settling in to life here pretty well, but we have noticed a few things about our boy. He is louder and stronger than Emma, who in turn was louder and stronger than Anna. He dislikes having his diaper changed very much and doth protest loudly each and every time. He also tends to dislike having an empty stomach and at times has boxed us for his bottle right as we try to get it to his mouth, and he is a very stubborn burper.

All in all, he is welcomed and loved more than could possibly be imagined... this unplanned miracle came just after John and I reconciled last year, and though I had doubts about my ability to take another step forward and seemingly another 4 steps back in my life and it's natural progression... I couldn't imagine my life right now any other way.

My favorite pic so far...

Wowsers!!!

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Let's see, where to start...

The beginning of May I moved John and I back into our larger room and the girls back to the smaller because they never use their room. We were having a hard time fitting everything we needed into our room including a crib. I painted the room an oceanic blue, and we decorated for Baby Jacob:
I had a wonderful baby shower May 23rd given by one of my sweet coworkers :D they know that we were starting from scratch and decided we needed to have a shower. It was cozy and laid back and we got some really cute stuff!

We also have been given lots of stuff by so many loving and generous people! Car seats and Exersaucers, baby clothes... you name it! Best of all my blogging buddies hooked me up! Maggie sent me some REALLY adorable baby jammies and outfits! These are only a few of the things Maggie sent me :D
And my BFF Michelle has sent be so much... where to start! Here is a onsie she bought off Etsy, so cute!And this set of letters she made that match the baby's room completely!
Besides that, I'm huge. Just enormous. A week ago I had an ultrasound because he is measuring too large, it turns out I was supposed 31 weeks 2 days and he should have been 3 lbs 6 oz, but his size was reading 32 weeks 6 days and 4 lb12 oz. So today I could be 32 1/2 weeks OR 34 weeks. Want proof of my ginormousness?

Taken May 23rd


Taken June 3rd, you can see how we've grown in just over a week :)

So there you have it, I'll find out on the 10th when my doc thinks I'm due based on the new ultrasound and when he wants to reschedule the c section for. It was supposed to be the 26th of July. Otherwise, just finishing up baby quilts and burp cloths and last minute shopping. I'm so big I wonder if I will even make it to the new revised date I'll be getting next week.

I know he needs to cook a bit more, but he's just so big and I'm sooo uncomfortable.

Oh, I forgot to mention that despite almost calling it quits (again) a year ago, we celebrated our 21st anniversary yesterday:) And Emma graduated from preschool today!

Life is good. :)

Annnnnd so it begins

Last night the girls were watching A Minute To Win It with me in my bed, and I leaned over to tickle Emma. Her response was a giggle screech and generous kick to the belly bump. "Hey," I said," look out, you baby brother is getting squished right now and looks like this..." I made a goofy smooshy face.

She laughed and continued to gently nudge my belly with her foot. I gasped and playfully shouted,"I cannot believe that you are ALREADY picking on your little brother and he isn't even born yet!!!"

This made her laugh even harder, maniacally even, while she STILL continued to nudge my belly.

Poor Jacob, my little love, you have the world ahead of you... but it also contains two older sisters who are going to love the crap out of you.

Good luck with that! Just kidding little one ;) I know all of their tickle spots and all of their embarrassing stories. I've got your six, little buddy.

Belly belly!!!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy... I am huge!!! These were taken yesterday :)

4 1/2 months or 21 weeks. I don't even want to think about how big I will be at the end. *SIGH* The good news is that I am off work now because I have been having very intense Braxton-Hicks contractions (which started at 2 1/2 months!!!) that sometimes lead to actual cramping. Sometimes I can be on my feet for an hour, and sometimes only 5-10 mins before I start having them again. We will miss the extra income but let's face it... I worked at Target on the sales floor. It's not like I was making bank.

Anywho, I ordered a crib in ebony to match the wood finish in my bedroom since Baby Jacob will be sharing a room with mom and dad for the first year, It only cost me just over 200.00 with free shipping, woot!!!

And this crib set, which I love!!! It's been really fun shopping for boy stuff so far :DSince we gave everything away, John's coworker (who has twin boys) will be generously giving us 2 infant car seats with bases and lots of baby clothes... which I am very excited about! Chances are anything we did have would have been recalled or too old anyway since Anna just turned 9.

I am getting more and more used to the idea, since he lets me know he's in there quite frequently with lots of kicks and bumps. I do love him already, how could I not?

The best thing? Emma and Anna gave me hugs goodnight last night, then rubbed the belly and said, "Goodnight, Jacob." So sweet!

It's a.....

Boy!!! We had the ultrasound on Friday 3/4/10... been so busy the last few days so I'm just getting around to posting. He is definitely a Jacob, but still trying to convince the hubby on Jacob David.

Left profile

Left profile again 3/4/10, baby is facing down

Face, you can see on the left side of the head a fist and then on his right side (facing your left) he has a hand covering his right eye :)
And right foot

Everything looks normal according to the ultrasound and the lab tests I had done...I didn't feel comfortable with having an amnio done.

After having our ultrasound of Baby Jacob, we took the girls out for a little shopping and lunch... they bought these hats at Claire's :D

If I had a nickel...

I was at work last week telling one of my fabulous coworkers about what my girls have been up to- which, yes, would be trouble...thank you for asking- and she said, "Oh my God Mary, and you're having another one? You are so screwed."

After laughing for about 2 minutes , utterly and completely without rancor and irony, I wiped the tears from my eyes and simply replied, "Yes, oh God yes, this I know."

I am hoping for a Christ-like child if you want to know. Not that my girls aren't fun and entertaining but I have on occasion looked intently at their scalps to have the MISU ask what I was doing. I would reply with a saintly smile that I was looking for the "the mark of the beast", or the evil triple digit.

I would love it if God would somehow deem it necessary and right for me to have a child full of sweetness and light... and to be nothing like me. I already have 2 of those. I had thought for sure He had broken the mold, burned it, and then scattered the ashes to all corners of this little rock we live on. It's a nice thought anyway.

And if I cannot have a Christ-like child, dear Lord, if you should see fit to go with my alternate option... Please make my baby (if it's a boy) in Guy Fieri's image. You know... light hearted, easy going and later in life not ashamed to feed his momma. I'm just saying.

To be sure, I will say again that I have no one else to blame. I wouldn't say I would change my girls per se, just maybe "take a little off the sides". But they are who they are and I love them despite my ability to see in them at times all the little things that irk me about myself LOL! Yes, I have taught them well. ;)

That's my girl!

Emma was playing Candyland on her laptop yesterday and said , "Mommy! You have to come see this , it's os funny!"

So I walked over and she clicks on part of the game, "Hold on momma, it has to load... OK, " she puts her hand over her mouth and giggles as something pops up on the screen, "THAT'S CLASSIC!" Ten she falls over laughing. "That's classic, isn't it momma?"

I laughed so hard. I don't know how many times I have said to John "That's classic/that's classic Mary/classic DORKY Mary", and now my sweet almost 4 yr old is saying it too. Love it.

Anna Madison

Eight years ago tomorrow, my first baby was born after 11 long years of infertility, sadness and uncertainty. Eight years ago tomorrow my heart and soul was reborn from darkness into light.

After 22 hours of labor, after 36 sleepless hours and almost losing her, complete and utter happiness came into my life. I post this every year to remind me of how blessed we truly are.

~mert

My babies! *sniff* *haha* *sniff*

We interrupt this show to bring you this announcement: I'm drowning in laundry!

Though I am ashamed to admit this... I recently found that my oldest had critters. I can't even bring myself to say the name of said critter. *shiver*

I have admitted many things on this here blog, horrible and hilarious... but this is just EWWWWWW. We found them in her hair on Sunday, and of course I FREAKED. I have a touch of the OCD, don't know if I ever mentioned that.

ANYWHO, picture me washing dishes blindly... trying to control myself after finding the Wild Kingdom in my baby's hair.

John went right out and got the shampoo, and while he was gone Anna started to freak as well. She started to cry and asked for a hug. This is where it gets good friends... Fighting the urge to vomit, I hugged that kid with very fiber of my being and rubbed her back until she stopped crying.

This is huge... under normal circumstances... say an ant infestation? I spray those creepy crawlies while doing the heebie jeebie dance, then alternating with the occasional "Thats what you get for coming into MY house, b*tches!!!!". Yup, I'm a wiener. Sue me.

Later, after shampooing my daughter I noticed how much she has grown in a few weeks... I wont go into specifics but my baby is growing to fast *sniff*. And after she was dressed I told her as much.

She grinned at me and said this, in a sweet sing song voice, "What? *shrug*, I'm not even 8 yet! You've got plenty of time! *big grin*"

It was just the way she said it, she's so smart and mature for her age. I'm gonna have to keep this little girl as safe as possible... I can only hope I can do it. :)

Today, Emma asked me if daddy gave me my wedding ring "because he luffs me so much" and I said yes.

"Mommy? I have anudder qwest-chun... in your wedding pict-chewer, why is your hair so puffy?"

I laughed, "Well, because that was how ladies wore their hair back then."

She looked up at me with those big browns, paused for a second, then rolled her eyes. *SNORT*

It precious moments like this that make you appreciate all that you have, and thankful for what is to come.

Love truly is a wonderful thing, no matter what form it comes in. ;)

OK< now back to the Laundry channel... all laundry, all the time, baby.

Oh the joys of ankle biters OR Thanks for sharing that!

So, John's uncle came over a bit ago to help John reroute our piping to our laundry room. BUT, he walks in with a cup of coffee, much to my despair.

You see, I have had to cut coffee out of my life. Or as I explained on Facebook:

Mr Coffee and I had a long, steamy love affair. Until he decided to make my stomach upset... he can be very cruel at times. So we had to part ways. Can I drink vicariously through you guys? ;) Tell him to "call me".

Basically, I gave John's uncle the cleanest version possible, saying it gave an "upset stomach".

And then Emma comes sneaking up behind me, saying int he tiniest, sweetest voice, "Yeah... and diaaaa-weeeee-ah, too! *giggle*"

Followed by a stunned silence, laughing and me giggling, and with my face in my hands, " I WASN'T GONNA SHARE THAT, but thanks!"

Lesson learned. Be careful what you say in front of you kids because there aren't "ear muffs" strong enough for little ears.

Laughter is the best medicine, which is good because I'm having one heck of a withdrawal headache ;)

My other daughter, the other GENIUS

The title of this post refers to my previous post today.

Emma spelled her first word today, without help.

She's been spelling Anna and Emma, and writing them for about 3 months now, but this word has special meaning to my girls. It's their favorite word lately. A word that I have grown very tired of, and so I have explained that saying it will result in an instant time out.

Yup, you guessed it. My sweet little 3 yr old asked me if she could have a cookie, and I said no. So she said," P-O-O-P."

Well, she followed the rules... she didn't actually say it.

*sniff* I couldn't be more proud.

At least she hasn't learned to spell one of mommy's favorite words... like Anna ;)

OYE, I have no one to blame but myself. *sigh*

My daughter, the evil genius

Anna on Saturday while playing with Emma:

I paid the cops... I own the cops.

I'm so glad she didn't add, "Say 'ello to my little friend!" or I would have sprayed my blueberry muffin everywhere.

Kids... if I didn't have kids what the heck would I blog about? :)

That's like bringing a knife to a gun fight

Why is it that family is like the sharpest knife, cutting the deepest wounds?

Tommorrow I am supposed to go to the MIL's Lia Sophia party.... BUT, last night we saw her at Target walking around with her boyfriends granddaughter, bent over talking all cozy with her. We managed to get in and get out with what we needed without even bumping into her. The kids were crushed to see their Nana- who doesn't make time to see them except a few MINUTES every 2 weeks or so- covorting with another little girl. Emma said, "Momma, it makes me sad seeing Nana with that girl... it's awful." John and I were so upset that our kids felt so hurt.

I wonder though, had I not made such a big deal out of it, what would the girls have said about it? I was just so mad and hurt on their behalf, I wanted to lay in to her right there in Target! Anna was supposed to walk with John to the electronic department but once I saw her walking with Steve's granddaughter I said nope, stay with me. Later I explained that I didn't want her to have to face her grandma with those raw emotions... Anna doesn't deserve to see her with another kid and have to try to swallow the uncomfortable-ness and tension, the hurt and anger.

We have told the MIL that we don't want the girls going out with her and Steve alone without us, or being over at her apartment with the possibility of them being alone with him. I don't know him and I refuse to risk anything, I could never live with myself. The problem is that when they were dating again (before he moved in with the MIL) almost a year ago, Anna spent the night. The MIL never told us that he might be coming over, even though she knows how I am about my girls being around strange men. After Anna came home from the sleep over I found out that the MIL had left Anna alone with her BF while she took a shower, etc. SO, I broached the subject with the MIL by saying that Anna should never be left alone with him, just to see what she would say. She said,"No, of course not."

She basically lied to me by not telling me that it had already happened, so right then and there I decided to put a stop to sleep overs since she has proven time and time again that she makes bad choices, especially when it comes to my kids. I also explained that the kids would not be over at her apartment- especially after he moved in- unless we were there.

More recently, about 2 1/2 months ago, she asked if she could take the girls shopping and reluctantly we said yes. She shows up to pick them up with her BF. I was at work so I had no idea, but John let them go, which I was kind of pissed about. She ambushed us with this, purposely because if she shows up with him, what are we supposed to say right?

She does this kind of thing all the time. I or John will lay down the law and later she claims she doesn't remember having that conversation. It makes me so mad! It reminds me of my mother... "I'm certified nuts so I can act like an idiot and not even try because I can get away with doing these things (and stop taking my medication) and not have to be accountable." ONLY her (the MIL) thing is, "You never said that, we never talked about this-OR- I don't remember you saying that." GRRR.

Anyway, Anna was supposed to go with me to the party, but now neither of us want to go and it's tomorrow. John said he's going to talk to her about it and let her know how hurt the girls were, but in the mean time I have to figure out what to say our reason is for not coming without lying about it, so as to not make a bad example for my kids.

I just can't tell you how hard it is to hear your 3 1/2 yr old say how "awful" it feels to be crushed by your own grandma. And how hard it is to hear your 7 yr old talk about how hurt and angry she is. I just want to "blow her away" verbally and be done with her sometimes. I want to knock that "knife" out of her hands forever, but John doesn't think that that is the right answer. I know it has mostly to do with the kids not having any grandparents, and Emma missing out (but isn't she already missing out?), and how uncomfortable things will be at family gatherings (like the last time we didn't talk to the MIL for 4-5 months after she threw a bucket of water in Anna's face)... I just don't know how to fix this.

How do you fix something with a person who believes she is always right , and never does anything wrong? This is exactly the dilemma I had with the egg donor, and exactly why I estranged myself from her. The MIL is so like my mother (the egg donor) sometimes, and it makes me angry that after divorcing myself from the E.D. that I still have to put up with pretty much the same.... STUFF.

Now I have to deal with not making a bad example for my kids by lying to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

And I am struggling with forgiveness as a Christian... But that's another load of dirty laundry.

Baby-do

Anna and Em had to have their hair trimmed 2 days ago, and Em decided she wanted shorter hair, "Like momma". They cut off about 6-7 inches! But she loves it and keeps doing the hair check/hair bounce thing- like from older movies- with a palm facing the sky, pushing her hair up in little bounces. Too funny, she looks like a little old lady when she does it.

She wanted it shorter but I said we could always go shorter later, because her hair has some curl to it it will shrink up a bit.

Anyway, attached are some pics I took yesterday morning. Sometimes I look at her and think to myself, "Who is this little person?" , because she has grown so much over the summer.


Especially when I see her smile like in this last pic... This is her real, happy smile- unlike the first "I'm only smiling because you asked me to" smile. In this picture she is thinking about dressing up for Halloween and seeing her Uncle Benjy, Aunt Marci, and my Aunt Yvonne very soon. ;)