Saturday, March 10, 2007

Great Kitchen Disasters In Dork History- or When bacon and grilling collide

Have you ever had one of those exclaim moments that turned out to be not as brilliant as you thought?

I have those a lot. If you didn't know already, I can be a dork sometimes.

I wrote this on a forum a long time ago, and I never saved it because I'm an idiot... so I am going to try to reconstruct it from memory. I have been wanting to post it for a long time, and after seeing this post at Dork Bloggers, I just knew I had to share my story. It's only a month late<span class=
When Bacon And Grilling Collide

One day while pregnant with my second... I had an overwhelming craving for a BLT. I suddenly had a brilliant idea! Why not grill the bacon and avoid all the grease splattered mess! I'd like to blame it on pregnancy brain, but you guys already know I am a dork. Here is what I learned from that little debacle, this post is based on actual events...

1. Bacon, being 99.9376 % fat, can and will burn long after you turn the gas off- causing a lovely and glorious grease fire.eek
2. The glorious bacon grease fire will eventually turn into an embarrassing plume of black smoke, no matter how hard you try to hide it after closing the grill lid.

3. Having the phone near by in case you need to call the fire department is always handy.

4. Make sure to have some baking soda or flour handy, too in the event that your bacon grease fire continues to rage on, despite closing the lid of your grill.

5. Flinging charred and smoking bacon on to your grass will scorch your lawn.

6. Sacrificing your dignity to scrounge for edible bacon on your own grass is OK, just make sure the neighbors aren't watching.

7. Mayonnaise will expire in direct proportion to the intensity of your craving for a BLT.

8. Making sure you actually have lettuce for a BLT is always a good thing.

9. A working toaster is never missed. That is until you decide you need one, in which case you will remember that you no longer have one since the last one is sitting at the bottom of your trash can.

10. (Semi scorched)B(minus the L)T's on dry bread... not as tasty as one would think.

11. Sometimes it's just better to quit while you are ahead, no matter how bad you want pork products. Chances are a bad situation will only get worse.

12. Telling your mate that the mother of his unborn child singed the hair off of one arm while trying to light the grill, narrowly avoided calling the fire department, scorched the lawn, and probably ruined the grill with flour is probably not a good idea. This will only give him more funny family gathering stories, ammunition in the the unfortunate event of divorce, and possible reasons to pull your life support later in life... because you showed signs of brain damage waaaaaay before your untimely coma. wink

What are your dorky kitchen disasters? Care to share?mrgreen Speaking of food... do you like food, like eating food, talking about food, dreaming about food? If you do, head over to hello!Food and join in the chitchat about your favorite foods and indulgences.


Yoshi said...

Hahaha, I have to admit, I've thought about grilling bacon, but never actually done it. That is definitely a dorky experience. Sounds so much like something I would do. hehe.

And of course the missing lettuce. I do that too! I'll decide to make something and not check to see that we have it, and lo behold. duh! You're so not alone in that hehe.

and finally thanks for the hello! food shoutout!

kailani said...

I don't think I have anything that compare to that!

I remember once I bought a box of Krispy Kreme donuts and wanted to hide it from GG. Like an idiot, I put the box in the oven. Of course, when I was cooking dinner and decided to pre-heat the oven, I forgot they were in there!

Karmyn said...


However, that episode was not the result of Dorkiness. I believe that pregnancy hormones are the direct cause - they cause your brain to malfunction temporarily. If you had done this unpregnant - then yes, you would be a dork.

Factor 10 said...

Very Niiice. The mayo was the finishing touch. I am not a big fan of mayo, but when something requires it, it's almost guaranteed that it will have expired. Hats off to your mad dork skills.

My Marrakech said...

Eeeek! I am a terrible cook -- I once had the oven blow up in my face and my eyebrows turned white!!!

Mama Duck said...

ROTFL!!! Oh my! I just stick it in the microwave with paper towels, not a fan of splattering grease either ;).

Pamela said...

Even greasy burgers will make the flames shoot out...

we should have a bloggers cook out.
You won't be in charge of the BLT's.

crse said...

that is an awesome story. Its always a dorkable story when firefighting is involved. I have been trying to think of a good dorksaster in the kitchen but so much of my kitchen experience is low grade disaster nothing sticks out. I think I need to do a list of my dorkiest kitchen mistakes instead. This is just one more reason why you are a grand dork

maggie said...

Wow. What a disaster. I am glad I never thought of grilling bacon. Cleaver thought.

I could tell you plenty of iron stories.

amy said...

i soooo appreciated this post.. A lot of things expire when I really want something to eat

amisare waswerebeen said...

My son got a complete kick out of your BLT story. We laughed our heads off. Dorks like us make the world enjoyable and entertaining.

wolfbaby said...

Ohh my goodness hubs has banned me from using the grill not for this specific reason or anyone really just that he dosn't want something exactly like this to happen ROLF

Holly said...

ROFL - always the way isn't it? The times when we seek to hide a disaster the more visible it becomes? LOL My first memorable kitchen disaster was within days of being married. I tried a casserole that didn't turn out so well and wanted to get rid of the evidence so I put the glass dish of food in the sink and turned on the water. Funny how it didn't dawn on me until the moment the dish cracked into pieces that really hot and really cold don't do well together...LOL


Dana a/k/a Sunshine said...

Oh my gosh - I think I just peed my pants laughing. That is hilarious. I have never tried to grill bacon, but I have to say I never would have thought it would have done that...even though it is quite obvious it would.

JAM said...

THIS, is a beautiful story.

Definitely one of those "looks good on paper" ideas.

Having grown up on north Louisiana, where everything is cooked with bacon grease in it, my parents had a special crock to the side of the stove to keep bacon grease in. Then, when my older sister got married and moved out, she wanted to increase her own bacon grease supply and my parents told her to add a big spoon of crisco to the skillet after frying the bacon, let it melt, and pour it in her bacon crock/keeper/thingy.

She forgot and poured a big glass of water into the hot grease, thinking they had told her to add water. Yeah. Not a good idea, cold water and extrememly hot bacon grease don't like each other very much.

Great story!

gill_smoke said...


Thanks Mert I needed that.

Mrs.ZigZagMan said...

OH thanks for sharing. This is priceless. I feel better.