24 Years Ago

Sometimes it feels like 100 years ago, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I married my soul mate and love of my life.

Our 25+ years together has been bumpy, rocky and sometimes seemingly impassable, but here we are one year shy of our silver anniversary.  I can only attribute that to the both of us growing into stronger and more forgiving people, and having faith.

Twenty-five years ago my mother told me we would never last. She blamed John for almost killing me after I was very near death from a tubal pregnancy. She sat my then fiance' down and told him I was damaged goods and he deserved better because I had been sexually abused- right in front of me like I wasn't even there, meanwhile John sat calmly and let her finish, then told her plainly that I had told him EVERYTHING about my childhood. Her sabotage didn't work, thank God, because I had been completely honest with him in our first week of dating.

She made me change my wedding date 4 different times because she had plans, unwilling to change her plans for my wedding. She took control of my wedding planning and told John he could only invite 15 people out of 250 invites because she was going to pay for the reception as a gift. She eventually threw me a wedding shower but then kept all the gifts that I had stored at their house while I was in the Navy, all because John argued that 15 people were not enough from his side. She cancelled the wedding reception, kept my shower gifts AND told me she had prayed and God told her she (and the rest of my family)  wasn't allowed to go to the wedding... then lied to my brothers that because I was mad I had uninvited all of them.

My mother's pastor grudgingly held our wedding ceremony in a dirty church with small pieces of lint and paper scraps in the aisle, after my mother - I am sure- told him how I had been disrespectful to her. He didn't look at me a single time during the wedding ceremony, which was certainly rushed and maybe lasted 10-15 minutes. He glanced at John a few times but only looked over my head.

None of my immediate family came to our wedding, but my mother's sister and her family came, including my aunt's in-laws who let us call them "granny" and "gramps" as kids. My art teacher from high school came, I was and still am so very touched she would do that for me. We had navy friends there, and John had quite a few family members that flew and drove from Iowa and Virginia. I had my great grandmother and some high school friends who showed up for me as well.

We had about maybe 40 people show up to our wedding, but some of the guests did not go to the reception. All in all, we spent 1000.00 for our wedding, my off the rack wedding dress costing just under half of that. The rest was spent on flowers, a 2 tier wedding cake and flowers we ordered from a grocery store, and John and his brother's tuxedo rentals. Luckily a family friend and mom of one of my high school classmates had heard about how my mother had treated us and she graciously approached John and I about having our reception at her house near her pool, and she and another family friend bought and cooked the food for us for a measly 100.00. What a blessing that was!

When it came time for the wedding to begin, I almost had a nervous breakdown because John decided that arriving 5 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start was completely appropriate! I figured after all the craziness he has experienced from my family during our 11 month engagement, he had probably gotten cold feet.

I still missed having my family there, but was very thankful for the family that did show up; my aunt and her family, and my art teacher- who secretly I had always wished had been my cool and quirky mom. I was very blessed to have had a father-in-law who had been sweet enough to ask me if he could walk me down the aisle, even though we hadn't met yet.

The first 25 years of our relationship- just like our wedding day- has been bitter sweet, but mostly sweet. I willingly give my husband most of the credit, though. He knows how genuinely messed up I am and loves me despite all of it. He knows me like no other, he knows all of my dark secrets. Every. Single. One. And I am almost positive that I know all of his. We are both damaged from our childhoods. Sometimes we can be rough around the edges but we manage to love each other through it, because we see value in all that we have conquered in the past.

What makes our relationship continue to grow despite rough patches? I think it's because our valleys have been so low at times that it makes the high points that much higher. It's the bitter in the bittersweet that makes it all that much richer and sweeter.

My younger brother told me a few years ago that considering I was the black sheep of the family, he had always thought that I would be the one married 3 times with all sorts of kids. We both had a good laugh out of that since he and my older brother have both been married 3 times each, and here I am chugging along in my imperfect but lengthy marriage.

From meager and troubled beginnings we came... A 19 year old bride and a 21 year old groom.We were talking last night in bed, just an hour into our official 24th anniversary. Looking back, we would have still kept our wedding small if it meant we would do it our way, on our terms.

OR used that 1000.00 to get married in Vegas. *wink*

To my husband, The Male Income Support Unit:

I love you, John. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable, forgiving me when I was unforgivable, and for understanding my crazy from it's deepest roots. Thank you for giving me 3 adorable kids and 25 years.


The first 25 years have been a doozy... I can't wait to see where we go from here! All I can say is it better not involve me getting pregnant again.


Love,

Me

It's been a year

One year ago today I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and it's been one roller coaster of a year for sure. It's been a long, dark and scary back alley of a year in some respects; an alley that I thought I was destined to walk alone, desperately looking over my shoulder as I scrambled to find an exit or some safe haven from the horrible unknown that skittered in the dark closely behind me.

Then around a week later my best friend in the whole world was diagnosed, and in the most odd/bizarre/tragic/morbid/comical way... suddenly I was not alone. We traveled  together, huddled in the dark while taking turns shining a flashlight for each other; shedding light on pitfalls and outright stumbling blocks in our path.

We have laughed and cried together out of grief and terror, we have fallen silent and morose. We have joked about the possibilities of the illness, and have related to each other in ways that even our loved ones fail to comprehend. Monique and I both have a better understanding of what we are dealing with, and we have shared a wealth of knowledge with each other.

In these ways, my life has somehow become richer. Through common ground and despair, we have connected on a level I never thought was possible. We had discovered mere months before being diagnosed that we were best friends, already a friendship deeper than ANY friendship I have ever had outside of my marriage. So deep in fact that she asked that I be the godmother to her unborn daughter. :) We have so many similarities, so many odd things in common that it's mind boggling... then to have this happen?

The most mind blowing thing from all of this is that we have not met in person yet. In just 14 days I get to meet my other soul mate, my sister from another mister... my life doppelganger.

I am so thankful and utterly grateful to have her in my life. We have gotten each other through so many rough spots in the last 12 months, and have created a relationship bound (and gagged) in love and laughter since July 2011.

Simply put, I could not have gotten through this last year without her*.

I cannot wait to see where this road goes next, Monique "Bella Boo"!
I'm positive. *wink*





*Of course it goes without saying that I could not have gotten through this year without my loving and supportive husband, who is the yin to my yang. Love you MISU!

Letting in the light

I decided to wash the dishes and I looked out my kitchen window to see helicopter seeds floating down from the gray sky. Despite the dreariness of the day that brought me momentary joy and smile to my tired face.

My eyes moved to the old tree in our backyard and my moment of joy settled like those seeds drifting across my yard. Dry and blackened in spots, a husk of tree hulks over my house and I am scared that we are one storm away from the upper level being destroyed, our children hurt. Some thirty feet it stands leafless and nearly lifeless, it's bark having fallen off in places. I am truly saddened to see what has become of our beloved shade tree.

I wistfully think about my kids as little ones, this house being the only home they have ever known... tripping over the damned roots of that tree. Despite the bumps and bruises and the momentary tears we have all enjoyed the shade, the sweet rustling of it's tender leaves on warming spring days, and eventually the solace it gave us from the exhausting heat of humid Iowa summers. It was almost as if it knew it had to hang on to get my girls through the early years, providing a haven from light rain and brief rain showers, it's branches hanging over part of their swing set and the rain bouncing from one leaf to another but never really hitting them.

Our tree will be cut down within the next week, and Jacob will never know all of those little things my daughters experienced as little ones. All those things we tend to take for granted that, the seemingly minute details that will one day make their childhood stories somehow more real and tangible. Fond memories from tiny scars...Sweetness for the most bitter of days.

We have known for several years our tree would be cut down and I have wondered how we will ever do without it's shade. Sections of the tree died over the years and we ignored how ugly those branches were, we chose to enjoy what it had left to give us.

I think about how I will miss those approving whispers that graced my ears as I closed my eyes for a moment, my nose raised to catch the green scents that swirled around me. I will miss almost hearing "This... this... this...", the wind tangling and untangling the leaves to cry out in unison as if warning me that I should appreciate this moment. Here, Now; whispers that were muffled by screeches and giggly laughter, the creaking of the swing set and endless requests for food and drink.

But cutting away this dead tree will allow your windows to let in much more light, cheering you despite the summer heat - I think, the repetition of washing dishes almost soothing me. It's wood will warm you in the winter, crackling in the glow of your fireplace... anointing  your aching bones. Pretty things will now grow in the places where shadows once were. All things fade, allowing for new life in it's place.


There is so much to be taken from this moment. It speaks to spirituality, to providing a safe haven for my children, life and death and the seeming finality. It spoke to me deeply about my body feeling as if it were failing me, about being so strong yet so fragile.

I'm choosing to ignore the gnarled-ness that my joints feel, the blackened spots on my heart and soul. I still have plenty of shade to give, solace to offer. I'm going to continue to produce gentle whispers of approval, soft reminders to my children to appreciate This. Here. Now... Only I will tuck my roots in as much as possible, I will not trip them up or alter their course from shade to light.

This...


Here...


Now...

I am

My 42nd birthday is coming up soon and after a somewhat melancholy reflection on my life, I had many, many emotions and thoughts on who I am. As they say: All's well that ends well.

Booyah. ;)

I Am

I am digression, recession.
I am undiscovered and resigned.
I am fertile, contemplative.
I am of a flawed design.

I am a little crazy, uplifted.
I am attention deficient and annoyed.
I am curvy, resilient.
I am turbulent with joy.

I am weightless, anchored.
I am claimed and unearthed.
I am salty, forgiven.
I am steeped in mirth.

I am clingy, abandoned.
I am artistic and indentured.
I am reliable, grouchy.
I am slightly immature.

I am giddy, sarcastic.
I am self absorbed and amused.
I am radiant, hungry.
I am verbally profuse.

I am imperfect, serene.
I am vigorous and grieved.
I am somnolent, cantankerous.
I am what I believe.


I am, I will, I was.
I am buoyant and resolved.
I have, I need, I want.
Above all else I am loved.

And Then I'd Just Feel A Blog Post

I was talking to a good friend the other night and she showed me one of her new blogs, and as I read and savored her words we talked about blogging and what it meant to us. I told her a tale of what my blog once was: funny anecdotes about my girls, musings, deep dark stuff from my childhood.

I told her about how my readership grew as I formed relationships with my favorite bloggers and how we nurtured each other with our words, cheering each other on in our comments- and in some cases, forming unbreakable friendships. I explained that I had BlogHer ads after my Google ranking grew, which in a way was the beginning of the end. I was so busy reading other blogs I hardly had time to write. And if I did take time to write I neglected my reading... and in the end it became a chore.

I noticed some bloggers wouldn't comment on my blog unless I commented on theirs. When my stats would waver I would become sullen and depressed. I asked myself why I couldn't make money like all the edgy or pretty blogs that had designer templates. I stared at my computer screen begging words to come and was too ambivalent to read even my favorite blogs. I grew tired of blogging because I felt as though I was selling my soul just to have people read and/or respond.

Hearing her talk about starting her blogs brought back all those memories and feelings since starting this blog almost 6 years ago. It made me think about the one day I took my anger out on another blogger that had happened to feel a reciprocal fondness for me. He had said some idiotic things about women, mostly in jest on his blog... which he had every right to do. Well, as they say hell hath no fury and in my rage I said some very hurtful things. In the end as a result, several blogging friendships went by the wayside that day.

But my friend... she talked about writing on a whim. Speaking her truth. Spreading love and inquiring about the ways of the world in such a way that I can only describe as "Uniquely KingyoHime".

Ahhh, I miss those old days when a blank screen was welcomed and craved. A time before ads and stats, writing for the pure pleasure of hearing my words clacking away (on whatever computer I could get my hands on during Emma's naps). Ultimately for the very pleasure of making myself giggle with the hopes that at least one other person in the cosmos enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed sharing.

Maybe for a little while I will just enjoy the feeling it gives me to read the musings of a kindred spirit, and maybe I will comment because something that I read amused me, made me ponder, or made feel a connection across the unknown.

I hope that one day I write again with joy and fervor (when I'm not baby rearing), the words falling out of my head and straight to the screen just like the old days. I can only describe that feeling with a quote from one of my favorite books- I would love to write again in this way :

"If I really wanted to pray I’ll tell you what I'd do. I'd go out into a great big field all alone or in the deep, deep woods and I'd look up into the sky - up, up, up - into that lovely blue sky that looks as if there was no end to its blueness. And then I'd just feel a prayer." ~L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)

It is a lovely thought, isn't it? Miss KingyoHime, thank you for your light, your love, and your inspiration. Always.

And for my friends that still love, honor and humor me after all these bloggin' years- if I may be so corny... The feeling is mutual. Joy to you!

Jacob's Halloween costume!

Matt, my BIL , sent us this costume from our nephew Logan. It's a 6-9 month costume :) Hopefully it wont be unseasonably warm this year. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Jacob (whom I often refer to as Biggie,Biggie Smalls, Big Poppa) is 3 months old now, is 14 lbs 2 ozs and is 24 1/2 inches long.

8 weeks already *sigh*

I have many nick names for my baby boy, hopefully most he WONT be embarrassed by when he gets older... but I doubt it: Big Poppa, Biggie Smalls, Big Man, Chubbeh The Hut just to name a few.

Jacob is doing great except for some issues with formula allergies and sensitivities. We have him on Similac Alimentum but believe it or not his system still hasn't adjusted and he has bowel problems. Our pediatrician wants us to take him to the University of Iowa to a GI specialist to rule out real allergies to milk based formulas since he seemed to have a severe enough reaction for us to call 911 (face swelling, rash, difficulty breathing). She wants to see what he if he is really allergic in preparation for the upcoming months when he will start solid foods.

Anywho, despite him still having loose poops and apparently NOT digesting even the hypoallergenic formula, he seems to be gaining weight just fine and his pediatrician gets a kick out of how much he weighs. Right now he is probably 12 lbs at 8 weeks... not too shabby!

Finally... It's definitely a boy!

Hey there blog reader, I know I am way overdue but not in the way you would think. ;)

I woke up on there morning of July 16th at 6:30 with a contraction of sizable discomfort value. With contraction #2, I grabbed John's (the Male Income Support Unit) arm and said evenly through clenched teeth, " I don't think you will be going to work today." Contraction #3 happened much like #2, about 7 minutes from the previous but a little stronger.

I decided to get up and walk around the quiet house, hoping to get things going as I had failed to do on 2 other occasions within that week. While I was brushing my teeth I called out to my sleeping MISU, "Uhhhhhh, honey? Honnnnnnney, I think my water broke." I stood there with my mouth full of tooth paste, tooth brush poised in mid air waiting for those words to register with John.

Two seconds later a blurry eyed hubby came running to the bathroom. "What should I do?"

"Um, I'm going to call my OB's office, you try to call your mom (so she can stay with Anna and Emma)... and could you please find me some clean maternity undies?"

My Ob's office said to go right to the hospital to be admitted for the already planned c-section. John tried unsuccessfully to get a hold of his mom- who seemed to have turned her phone off because our calls went right to voice mail, so we went to our back up plan, his aunt Sue... Who also was not answering her phone.

10 minutes later, still waiting for my befuddled hubby to find me clean undies, I called my friend and coworker Meghan who had offered to take me to the hospital or watch my girls in case I went into labor early before my MIL had arrived from Texas. Thank God for Meghan, she was there in about 3 minutes!

Since both of our vehicles we in the shop and not running we had to borrow Meghan's car to go to the hospital. Anna (my 9 yr old) calmed her nerves by making some microwave pancakes for herself, Meghan and Emma. My MIL eventually called back while on our way to the hospital.

At 10:16 am, after a few contractions, and after me being jerked all over the surgical table to get him out Jacob Harrison Krajnovich entered this world screaming and healthy 12 days early. He weighed 7 lbs 13 oz and was about 19 1/4 inches long.

His pediatrician brought him over and pressed his little head against my lips repeatedly, in a smooth jabbing motion and finally pressed his face against mine. After a few seconds of me cooing to him ( after I stopped chuckling at our pediatrician LOL), his screams subsided and his proud daddy snapped a few shots.

Mommy and Jacob, my first time holding him about 2 hours after birth :)

Daddy and Jacob on his second day of life :)

Finally a big sis, Emma gets to hold her baby brother after a long 8 1/2 months.

Oldest sister Anna, soooo proud and excited!

My life saver, Miss Meghan getting some baby loves :D

Jacob is settling in to life here pretty well, but we have noticed a few things about our boy. He is louder and stronger than Emma, who in turn was louder and stronger than Anna. He dislikes having his diaper changed very much and doth protest loudly each and every time. He also tends to dislike having an empty stomach and at times has boxed us for his bottle right as we try to get it to his mouth, and he is a very stubborn burper.

All in all, he is welcomed and loved more than could possibly be imagined... this unplanned miracle came just after John and I reconciled last year, and though I had doubts about my ability to take another step forward and seemingly another 4 steps back in my life and it's natural progression... I couldn't imagine my life right now any other way.

My favorite pic so far...

Annnnnd so it begins

Last night the girls were watching A Minute To Win It with me in my bed, and I leaned over to tickle Emma. Her response was a giggle screech and generous kick to the belly bump. "Hey," I said," look out, you baby brother is getting squished right now and looks like this..." I made a goofy smooshy face.

She laughed and continued to gently nudge my belly with her foot. I gasped and playfully shouted,"I cannot believe that you are ALREADY picking on your little brother and he isn't even born yet!!!"

This made her laugh even harder, maniacally even, while she STILL continued to nudge my belly.

Poor Jacob, my little love, you have the world ahead of you... but it also contains two older sisters who are going to love the crap out of you.

Good luck with that! Just kidding little one ;) I know all of their tickle spots and all of their embarrassing stories. I've got your six, little buddy.

Belly belly!!!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy... I am huge!!! These were taken yesterday :)

4 1/2 months or 21 weeks. I don't even want to think about how big I will be at the end. *SIGH* The good news is that I am off work now because I have been having very intense Braxton-Hicks contractions (which started at 2 1/2 months!!!) that sometimes lead to actual cramping. Sometimes I can be on my feet for an hour, and sometimes only 5-10 mins before I start having them again. We will miss the extra income but let's face it... I worked at Target on the sales floor. It's not like I was making bank.

Anywho, I ordered a crib in ebony to match the wood finish in my bedroom since Baby Jacob will be sharing a room with mom and dad for the first year, It only cost me just over 200.00 with free shipping, woot!!!

And this crib set, which I love!!! It's been really fun shopping for boy stuff so far :DSince we gave everything away, John's coworker (who has twin boys) will be generously giving us 2 infant car seats with bases and lots of baby clothes... which I am very excited about! Chances are anything we did have would have been recalled or too old anyway since Anna just turned 9.

I am getting more and more used to the idea, since he lets me know he's in there quite frequently with lots of kicks and bumps. I do love him already, how could I not?

The best thing? Emma and Anna gave me hugs goodnight last night, then rubbed the belly and said, "Goodnight, Jacob." So sweet!

It's a.....

Boy!!! We had the ultrasound on Friday 3/4/10... been so busy the last few days so I'm just getting around to posting. He is definitely a Jacob, but still trying to convince the hubby on Jacob David.

Left profile

Left profile again 3/4/10, baby is facing down

Face, you can see on the left side of the head a fist and then on his right side (facing your left) he has a hand covering his right eye :)
And right foot

Everything looks normal according to the ultrasound and the lab tests I had done...I didn't feel comfortable with having an amnio done.

After having our ultrasound of Baby Jacob, we took the girls out for a little shopping and lunch... they bought these hats at Claire's :D

If I had a nickel...

I was at work last week telling one of my fabulous coworkers about what my girls have been up to- which, yes, would be trouble...thank you for asking- and she said, "Oh my God Mary, and you're having another one? You are so screwed."

After laughing for about 2 minutes , utterly and completely without rancor and irony, I wiped the tears from my eyes and simply replied, "Yes, oh God yes, this I know."

I am hoping for a Christ-like child if you want to know. Not that my girls aren't fun and entertaining but I have on occasion looked intently at their scalps to have the MISU ask what I was doing. I would reply with a saintly smile that I was looking for the "the mark of the beast", or the evil triple digit.

I would love it if God would somehow deem it necessary and right for me to have a child full of sweetness and light... and to be nothing like me. I already have 2 of those. I had thought for sure He had broken the mold, burned it, and then scattered the ashes to all corners of this little rock we live on. It's a nice thought anyway.

And if I cannot have a Christ-like child, dear Lord, if you should see fit to go with my alternate option... Please make my baby (if it's a boy) in Guy Fieri's image. You know... light hearted, easy going and later in life not ashamed to feed his momma. I'm just saying.

To be sure, I will say again that I have no one else to blame. I wouldn't say I would change my girls per se, just maybe "take a little off the sides". But they are who they are and I love them despite my ability to see in them at times all the little things that irk me about myself LOL! Yes, I have taught them well. ;)

That's my girl!

Emma was playing Candyland on her laptop yesterday and said , "Mommy! You have to come see this , it's os funny!"

So I walked over and she clicks on part of the game, "Hold on momma, it has to load... OK, " she puts her hand over her mouth and giggles as something pops up on the screen, "THAT'S CLASSIC!" Ten she falls over laughing. "That's classic, isn't it momma?"

I laughed so hard. I don't know how many times I have said to John "That's classic/that's classic Mary/classic DORKY Mary", and now my sweet almost 4 yr old is saying it too. Love it.

Anna Madison

Eight years ago tomorrow, my first baby was born after 11 long years of infertility, sadness and uncertainty. Eight years ago tomorrow my heart and soul was reborn from darkness into light.

After 22 hours of labor, after 36 sleepless hours and almost losing her, complete and utter happiness came into my life. I post this every year to remind me of how blessed we truly are.

~mert

My babies! *sniff* *haha* *sniff*

We interrupt this show to bring you this announcement: I'm drowning in laundry!

Though I am ashamed to admit this... I recently found that my oldest had critters. I can't even bring myself to say the name of said critter. *shiver*

I have admitted many things on this here blog, horrible and hilarious... but this is just EWWWWWW. We found them in her hair on Sunday, and of course I FREAKED. I have a touch of the OCD, don't know if I ever mentioned that.

ANYWHO, picture me washing dishes blindly... trying to control myself after finding the Wild Kingdom in my baby's hair.

John went right out and got the shampoo, and while he was gone Anna started to freak as well. She started to cry and asked for a hug. This is where it gets good friends... Fighting the urge to vomit, I hugged that kid with very fiber of my being and rubbed her back until she stopped crying.

This is huge... under normal circumstances... say an ant infestation? I spray those creepy crawlies while doing the heebie jeebie dance, then alternating with the occasional "Thats what you get for coming into MY house, b*tches!!!!". Yup, I'm a wiener. Sue me.

Later, after shampooing my daughter I noticed how much she has grown in a few weeks... I wont go into specifics but my baby is growing to fast *sniff*. And after she was dressed I told her as much.

She grinned at me and said this, in a sweet sing song voice, "What? *shrug*, I'm not even 8 yet! You've got plenty of time! *big grin*"

It was just the way she said it, she's so smart and mature for her age. I'm gonna have to keep this little girl as safe as possible... I can only hope I can do it. :)

Today, Emma asked me if daddy gave me my wedding ring "because he luffs me so much" and I said yes.

"Mommy? I have anudder qwest-chun... in your wedding pict-chewer, why is your hair so puffy?"

I laughed, "Well, because that was how ladies wore their hair back then."

She looked up at me with those big browns, paused for a second, then rolled her eyes. *SNORT*

It precious moments like this that make you appreciate all that you have, and thankful for what is to come.

Love truly is a wonderful thing, no matter what form it comes in. ;)

OK< now back to the Laundry channel... all laundry, all the time, baby.

Baby-do

Anna and Em had to have their hair trimmed 2 days ago, and Em decided she wanted shorter hair, "Like momma". They cut off about 6-7 inches! But she loves it and keeps doing the hair check/hair bounce thing- like from older movies- with a palm facing the sky, pushing her hair up in little bounces. Too funny, she looks like a little old lady when she does it.

She wanted it shorter but I said we could always go shorter later, because her hair has some curl to it it will shrink up a bit.

Anyway, attached are some pics I took yesterday morning. Sometimes I look at her and think to myself, "Who is this little person?" , because she has grown so much over the summer.


Especially when I see her smile like in this last pic... This is her real, happy smile- unlike the first "I'm only smiling because you asked me to" smile. In this picture she is thinking about dressing up for Halloween and seeing her Uncle Benjy, Aunt Marci, and my Aunt Yvonne very soon. ;)

whoa there!

The time has come once again to brag about how smart my first born is.... Yeah, I know, right?

I can't help it, I'm so proud of her. Proud of what , you say- the fact that she has a ginourmous brain? It's hardly something any of us have any control over, but I shall continue to feed and nurture it, and hug it and squeeze it... OK, not so much with the squeezing but you get my drift.

A few days ago we received the results of her yearly aptitude tests and my 2nd grader has the math skills of an early 3rd grader and the reading skills of an early 5th grader!

Ahhhhhhhyeeeeee! :D

Anna, we are so proud of you. Keep up the good work :) Oh, and by the way, thanks for learning some humility and not screaming "in your face, I'm smarter than you" to your classmates like last year.

Love ya,
Mommy

So grown up

Anna's first day of school was August 21... yeah, I'm just getting around to writing about it! With work, and then my poor kid already missing 2 days of school because she caught a cold, it's been kind of busy here.

Anna is in second grade, and is in an advanced reading and math group. We are pretty stoked about that. Here she is, my little girl, insisting that she doesn't want hair clips or head bands. *sniff*

And modeling her Camp Rock book bag with the man pretty Joe Jonas on the front... 'cuz Hannah Montana and High School Musical are so like- yesterday?


Annnnd, cheesing it up just before she leaves Emma and I in silence- meaning no clawing and shrieking for the first half of the day. ;)


These pics are from last year, on the first day of school. Look how much she has grown!

My baby is almost all grownz up.

Rest in peace

How exactly does one sum up the life of a loved one? Do we view and review their lives a little less if they are a family pet? I'd say that if you loved your pet even a little, this would not be the case. Love lost is love lost, no matter how many legs your loved one might have.

Numa started what we like to call the herd... I went to find myself a kitten, mean while Numa had other plans. She put on her best face and immediately began to fawn all over my husband. Yeah, you could say she was a bit of a ho'. :) John decided that he wanted the momma kitty (Numa), and I wanted a kitten (Sophie), so we compromised and each got the one we wanted- after I refused to back down.

We took Numa home a year after we were married and let me tell you, that cat drove a wedge between the MISU and I. Litterally. If John and I were snuggling, she would plop herself right down in between us, or on his lap... and the lovins that were once mine were now split between the 2 ladies in his life. I was a jealous wife, I was not happy.

Numa and I came to an understanding early on, the arrangement was still not quite equal if you ask me. She got his attentions during waking hours, and I got what was left over... usually while the MISU sawed logs.

We saw Numa through her second pregnancy, most of which John and I were away in the Persian Gulf. Yup, while her parents were away at war, she got knocked up. Lookin for love in all the wrong places, sheesh. This new litter would give us another of her fur kids, Ivan.

18 of her 19 years were spent with us, and I will say that she was a surly foster mother to 5 other kittens (besides Sophie and Ivan, her own) , and at one time ruling over the Herd- 6 cats. I have affectionately called her Big Momma, or Momma Kitty since then.

Numa never lost her spark or spunk until about a year and a half ago, and since then it had been a slow and steady decline. She had a hard time moving around, she was after all about 166 in human years. Over that last year and a half, John and I had contemplated more times than I have digits to count on whether or not we should put her out of her complete and utter misery. We'd think about calling the vet, talk about calling the very next day, and that would be the day Numa would decide to get up out of bed, clean herself and chat with the family. I kid you not, every single time.

Yesterday was different. I checked on her while she was sleeping and noticed that she had stopped breathing. I continued to watch for several seconds, holding my own breath in dread until I saw her chest move again. This time it lasted over 20 seconds, and her eyes were open. Nausea set in, and I stood there paralyzed. Part of me was relieved... yet so devastated and sad.

Numa repositioned herself and began to breath again, and I continued to stand there in horror. No, she hadn't gone peacefully like I had hoped. She smelled the hot dogs I fixed for the girls and raised her head a bit, and I noticed that just this small movement was quite an effort for her. She was breathing fast and shallow, her eyes half lidded as if she were in pain.

I gave her a few pieces of hot dog which she barely touched, which was very unusual for her.

I called John... and watched her suffer to her feet. She moved around painfully and restlessly for another half an hour until she finally couldn't take any more... and uncomfortably went back to bed.

Yesterday, we had to make 5th decision in 4 1/2 years... It never gets easier, it never gets less painful.

We decided to bring her home and bury her under our pine tree in the back yard, and put the ashes of Yuri (who died 12 years ago as a kitten, from a heart problem), Ursa, Seven, and the ashes of her kids Ivan and Sophie with her. We said a prayer and thanked God for sending Numa to us, for giving us such a wonderful, noisy and sometimes grumpy cat. We thanked Him for taking care of her for us now, and for showing her the way to the place where her kids and foster kids now play.

It's the end of an era and almost 2 decades, lady... we love you and miss you. You were such a good kitty.

Rest in peace, Big Momma.

And now... your moment of Zen.

A few days ago Emma was giving me lip after I told her to do something (I really can't remember what it was), and asked why she needed to do whatever I asked her to at that time.

Me: Why? 'Cuz I'm the boss, that's why.

Anna, with her arms crossed and a smug look on her face: You know... you can be the boss without being bossy.

Me, walking away so she can't see me trying not to laugh, all the while enjoying that fact that she stuck up for lil' sis: Wow, that was deep. How very philosophical of you, thanks for sharing.