If I had a nickel...

I was at work last week telling one of my fabulous coworkers about what my girls have been up to- which, yes, would be trouble...thank you for asking- and she said, "Oh my God Mary, and you're having another one? You are so screwed."

After laughing for about 2 minutes , utterly and completely without rancor and irony, I wiped the tears from my eyes and simply replied, "Yes, oh God yes, this I know."

I am hoping for a Christ-like child if you want to know. Not that my girls aren't fun and entertaining but I have on occasion looked intently at their scalps to have the MISU ask what I was doing. I would reply with a saintly smile that I was looking for the "the mark of the beast", or the evil triple digit.

I would love it if God would somehow deem it necessary and right for me to have a child full of sweetness and light... and to be nothing like me. I already have 2 of those. I had thought for sure He had broken the mold, burned it, and then scattered the ashes to all corners of this little rock we live on. It's a nice thought anyway.

And if I cannot have a Christ-like child, dear Lord, if you should see fit to go with my alternate option... Please make my baby (if it's a boy) in Guy Fieri's image. You know... light hearted, easy going and later in life not ashamed to feed his momma. I'm just saying.

To be sure, I will say again that I have no one else to blame. I wouldn't say I would change my girls per se, just maybe "take a little off the sides". But they are who they are and I love them despite my ability to see in them at times all the little things that irk me about myself LOL! Yes, I have taught them well. ;)

That's my girl!

Emma was playing Candyland on her laptop yesterday and said , "Mommy! You have to come see this , it's os funny!"

So I walked over and she clicks on part of the game, "Hold on momma, it has to load... OK, " she puts her hand over her mouth and giggles as something pops up on the screen, "THAT'S CLASSIC!" Ten she falls over laughing. "That's classic, isn't it momma?"

I laughed so hard. I don't know how many times I have said to John "That's classic/that's classic Mary/classic DORKY Mary", and now my sweet almost 4 yr old is saying it too. Love it.

My babies! *sniff* *haha* *sniff*

We interrupt this show to bring you this announcement: I'm drowning in laundry!

Though I am ashamed to admit this... I recently found that my oldest had critters. I can't even bring myself to say the name of said critter. *shiver*

I have admitted many things on this here blog, horrible and hilarious... but this is just EWWWWWW. We found them in her hair on Sunday, and of course I FREAKED. I have a touch of the OCD, don't know if I ever mentioned that.

ANYWHO, picture me washing dishes blindly... trying to control myself after finding the Wild Kingdom in my baby's hair.

John went right out and got the shampoo, and while he was gone Anna started to freak as well. She started to cry and asked for a hug. This is where it gets good friends... Fighting the urge to vomit, I hugged that kid with very fiber of my being and rubbed her back until she stopped crying.

This is huge... under normal circumstances... say an ant infestation? I spray those creepy crawlies while doing the heebie jeebie dance, then alternating with the occasional "Thats what you get for coming into MY house, b*tches!!!!". Yup, I'm a wiener. Sue me.

Later, after shampooing my daughter I noticed how much she has grown in a few weeks... I wont go into specifics but my baby is growing to fast *sniff*. And after she was dressed I told her as much.

She grinned at me and said this, in a sweet sing song voice, "What? *shrug*, I'm not even 8 yet! You've got plenty of time! *big grin*"

It was just the way she said it, she's so smart and mature for her age. I'm gonna have to keep this little girl as safe as possible... I can only hope I can do it. :)

Today, Emma asked me if daddy gave me my wedding ring "because he luffs me so much" and I said yes.

"Mommy? I have anudder qwest-chun... in your wedding pict-chewer, why is your hair so puffy?"

I laughed, "Well, because that was how ladies wore their hair back then."

She looked up at me with those big browns, paused for a second, then rolled her eyes. *SNORT*

It precious moments like this that make you appreciate all that you have, and thankful for what is to come.

Love truly is a wonderful thing, no matter what form it comes in. ;)

OK< now back to the Laundry channel... all laundry, all the time, baby.

Oh the joys of ankle biters OR Thanks for sharing that!

So, John's uncle came over a bit ago to help John reroute our piping to our laundry room. BUT, he walks in with a cup of coffee, much to my despair.

You see, I have had to cut coffee out of my life. Or as I explained on Facebook:

Mr Coffee and I had a long, steamy love affair. Until he decided to make my stomach upset... he can be very cruel at times. So we had to part ways. Can I drink vicariously through you guys? ;) Tell him to "call me".

Basically, I gave John's uncle the cleanest version possible, saying it gave an "upset stomach".

And then Emma comes sneaking up behind me, saying int he tiniest, sweetest voice, "Yeah... and diaaaa-weeeee-ah, too! *giggle*"

Followed by a stunned silence, laughing and me giggling, and with my face in my hands, " I WASN'T GONNA SHARE THAT, but thanks!"

Lesson learned. Be careful what you say in front of you kids because there aren't "ear muffs" strong enough for little ears.

Laughter is the best medicine, which is good because I'm having one heck of a withdrawal headache ;)

My other daughter, the other GENIUS

The title of this post refers to my previous post today.

Emma spelled her first word today, without help.

She's been spelling Anna and Emma, and writing them for about 3 months now, but this word has special meaning to my girls. It's their favorite word lately. A word that I have grown very tired of, and so I have explained that saying it will result in an instant time out.

Yup, you guessed it. My sweet little 3 yr old asked me if she could have a cookie, and I said no. So she said," P-O-O-P."

Well, she followed the rules... she didn't actually say it.

*sniff* I couldn't be more proud.

At least she hasn't learned to spell one of mommy's favorite words... like Anna ;)

OYE, I have no one to blame but myself. *sigh*

My daughter, the evil genius

Anna on Saturday while playing with Emma:

I paid the cops... I own the cops.

I'm so glad she didn't add, "Say 'ello to my little friend!" or I would have sprayed my blueberry muffin everywhere.

Kids... if I didn't have kids what the heck would I blog about? :)

Soup to NUTS

Ok, not soup exactly but definitely nuts. That was my day yesterday.

Yesterday started out pretty sweet actually. Emma (Little Red Ridinghood) and I made blueberry muffins :)

Please ignore the junk on the microwave.... thank you!

We recuperated a little later with our belly's full of warm, sweet muffins by taking a 2 1/2 hour nap. WOW! Maybe that's why I woke up at 5 am today and couldn't get back to sleep. Hmmmm.

Next the sweetest Male Income Support Unit and daddy ever brought home a surprise for all three of his girls.
Somewhere in there I decided to do a little maintenance in our old laundry room. Since it was an addition to our 1930's home, it isn't insulated very well and the pipes freeze on me unless I have a heater on in the basement blowing warm air into the small hole that the pipes go through. Even when I do that the pipes will freeze at times when I have the door closed to keep as much cold air out of the kitchen as possible.

So, I usually take the washer hose out of the drain pipe and pour warm water inside the drain pipe to make sure it's not frozen. Otherwise , obviously, water will spray everywhere. I say obviously because, well as you know I'm a dork and obviously I have actually sprayed water everywhere.

Aha! I am ahead of the game, you see. I am very pleased and proud of myself that i have had a bit of foresight.

So lets recap, shall we? It's supposed to look like this, right?

And when you disconnect the washer hose from the drain pipe to pour warm water in there, ya know to make sure it's draining properly... it looks like this, right?

OK, good. And how should it look when you are about to put in a load of laundry?

OOOOPS.

Um, yeah. So the very thing I was so proud of avoiding? I accomplished the opposite. Yes, what they say is true:

"Pride goes before the fall." ~ (paraphrased) God

I told John last night that I should come with my own disclaimer in form of a adhesive sticker. For my forehead.
I told him he should get out while he can because I killed one too many brain cells while we were in the Navy, that I had thousands of brain cells pulling the plug every day, and that at this rate I'll be a veg at 60.

He just stood there and smiled/chuckled... and said nothing to contradict me or make me feel better. Good thing he brought flowers. XD

On the bright side? At least I had a 2 1/2 hour nap. I had lots of energy to clean up all the water. I had been wondering if our wet vac still worked. Oh, and my basement went through the rinse cycle as well. Niiiiiice.

Oh no, not again...

Remember a few years ago... Oh, let's see... Anna was 4 I think? And she was mooning over a not quite famous Zac Effron?

So Emma is eating lunch and watching a older episode of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody with Jesse McCartney, when he looked like this:

And she says with a *SIGH*, "I wish I had someone like that for a boyfriend..."

And naturally I probably did something akin to:
"What?" She looks at me for a second,"I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend before."

My first instinct was to reply *whilst trying my best to hide my amusement*, "Oh honey... it will be years before you can start dating. Acording to your dad, about 30 years or so. " Knowing that Emma is Anna's Mini Me, I decided to keep my big yap shut. I can remember that Anna was only 6 months older when she had her first crush and she was very serious about it, and didn't take kindly to John and I ribbing her about it.

Emma will be 4 end of March, but I still can't believe that this little critter has hit the sighing phase and has completely skipped the "EWWW, boys totally have cooties" phase. Just like her big sis.
This combined with the fact that Anna has had her first consultation with the "Boob Fairy", as my sis likes to call it... Well, you can imagine.

I'm suppressing the urge to chug cough medicine as we speak.

I kid people, I kid.

I'd much prefer vanilla extract. ;)

whoa there!

The time has come once again to brag about how smart my first born is.... Yeah, I know, right?

I can't help it, I'm so proud of her. Proud of what , you say- the fact that she has a ginourmous brain? It's hardly something any of us have any control over, but I shall continue to feed and nurture it, and hug it and squeeze it... OK, not so much with the squeezing but you get my drift.

A few days ago we received the results of her yearly aptitude tests and my 2nd grader has the math skills of an early 3rd grader and the reading skills of an early 5th grader!

Ahhhhhhhyeeeeee! :D

Anna, we are so proud of you. Keep up the good work :) Oh, and by the way, thanks for learning some humility and not screaming "in your face, I'm smarter than you" to your classmates like last year.

Love ya,
Mommy

In that case, you're fired!

Anna (7 1/2, going on 35 1/2): I think I want to take walks, because walking will make me healthier. Then if someone wants me to model, I'll be in good shape. I could take modeling classes...

Me: Modeling classes would probably cost money. And we , ummmm, don't have any.

Anna, leaning in closer for emphasis: Make more money then.

Me: Maybe you should get a job.

Anna, smiling sweetly: I have a job, it's annoying you.

Mary, smiling incredulously: Well, you're pretty darned good at your job.

Anna, laughing and crossing her arms: If I'm so good at my job, maybe you should give me a raise.

Cute, smart and funny? Someday the man of her dreams is going to be in BIG trouble. I hope Prince Charming has a sense of humor, otherwise he's so screwed.

Well, it's finally confirmed...

Even Myspace thinks I'm a nerd.

Whoopdie doodlie doo.

No butts about it - Emma-isms

A few days ago I bent over at the bottom of the stairs to pick something up ...

Emma (trying to go upstairs): Mom, MOVE. Your big booty is in the way.

Me: I'm so feeling the love. Thanks.

Ahhhh, there's nothing like the smell of the great outdoors

Emma has recently (meaning the last 3 months) learned to employ new torture tactics. At the first sign of any adversity (meaning anything not going her way), she screams (meaning blood curdling, horror movie ,shrieks of despair).

John has been out of town for mandatory training since last Sunday, and the children of the corn have been most disagreeable in his absence, to the point of the gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair... and eventual fantasies of joining the witness protection program on his return.

Which would be today, thank you Jesus.

Anywho, digressions aside...Emma shrieked today and I decided that the penalty, henceforth, shall be instant and immediate time out.

No pleas, no excuses... *imagine me saying, with my "talk to the hand" salute* BUP BUP BUP! Time out!

So, she sits a few feet away from me on her Little Tykes picnic table, demanding a tissue.

"Nope," I say, "we are outside, and you are in time out. I'm not going inside just to get a tissue."

"But I need a tissue..." She produces a largish boog on her pointer finger.

"Bah!" I shrink back a little , only because, OK the booger was massive, "Use nature's tissue. Here's a leaf." I pluck a leaf from the weeds nearby.

"OK," she says giggling, relishing the thought of wiping her boog on greenery.

Oh my, -I think-... what have I begun.

I start in on sharing a wondrous piece of history with my precious babe, "You know, there was a time when people didn't have toilet paper. They had to use leaves. Can you imagine that?"

I look over at Emma , just as she replies "nope", and just in time to find her wrapping a leaf around her boog finger and sticking it up her nose tissue style.

" No," I yell, "Your supposed to... I meant..." This is where I begin to try to hide my amusement and stifle hysterical laughter.

And fail miserably, as usual.

She stops, looking up at me as I try to compose myself and my words, waiting...

With the leaf still stuffed up her nose.

Some how I'm thinking that the fine art of "leaf blowing" was not included in Dr. Spock's book. Or parenting 101. But, I am proud to have taught her to appreciate the great outdoors.

Silver lining people, silver lining.

Emma, last month, enjoying ham-ing it up for the camera. I think she inherited the class clown gene from her momma.
God help us.

What a bargain *Anna-isms*

So... the other day I was doing a goofy dance while tidying the living room. Anna was not amused, but hey, I was amusing myself so having my daughter amused as well would have been the nuts on my ice cream sundae. But whatever.

Amusing myself, yet again, I say to my precious, precocious 7 year old (whilst shaking my money maker)," You know, I'm going to dance like this at your wedding, so ya better get used to it."

Anna replies, dryly,"I'm not getting married then."

HAH! Not to be defeated, and not having my fun ruined, I chorkle (that would be a chuckle that begins or ends with a snort), "Wha-? You no like my dancing? TOO BAD!" I shake my rump like a belly dancer on a Mardi Gras float, for you know, emphasis.

"OK, tell you what," she begins with wide eyes and a startled expression, that quickly changes to one of complete triumph, "You don't dance like that at my wedding? And I'll pay for a quarter of it." She crosses her arms and smiles smugly, "That's right, you'll only have to pay for three quarters of it."

Oh my, maybe I should get this all down in Crayola.

Nah, make that Sharpie. ;)

Just as I suspected, Sponge Bob is the devil

Just a few minutes ago, Emma came upstairs and mumbled something about poking a hole in my couch while I showered (getting ready for work).

"What," I asked, "You did what?"

"I poked a hole in your couch but someone was in my arm..."

"Just a minute," I say while slathering soap on," I'll be down in a minute."

So I wrap myself in a towel and go downstairs,"You poked a hole in my couch? Where?"

"Well...," she begins, " someone was in my arm and they made me do it...," she shows me with a downward slash of her Nintendo DS stylus-clad hand.

"Oh yeah," I ask, incredulous., "And who would that be?" (there may have been a hint of sarcasm)

"Um... Sponge Bob."

And there you have it. I knew it! Sponge Bob is the father of all things unholy. Take note, dear readers, lest your couches be poked with holes, too.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And now... your moment of Zen.

A few days ago Emma was giving me lip after I told her to do something (I really can't remember what it was), and asked why she needed to do whatever I asked her to at that time.

Me: Why? 'Cuz I'm the boss, that's why.

Anna, with her arms crossed and a smug look on her face: You know... you can be the boss without being bossy.

Me, walking away so she can't see me trying not to laugh, all the while enjoying that fact that she stuck up for lil' sis: Wow, that was deep. How very philosophical of you, thanks for sharing.

You think so? (Emma-isms)

The other day while coming back from seeing my friend Michelle in Wisconsin, Emma chimes in while playing her Build A Bear game on my Nintendo DS:

"Totally WICKED awesome!

and later after visiting the Milwaukee Zoo:

"Mom, you're better than Lucky Charms."


Better than Lucky Charms?
Now that is totally wicked awesome. ;)

Bruce Lee (and Chuck Norris) would be so proud

We have been trying to get Anna interested in activities, hopefully a sport of some kind. We want our kids to NOT be couch potatoes like us, and we are trying to be good examples by increasing physical activity...


but it's not working. :P

Me a few days ago: Hey Anna, what about karate? You like to do high kicks and karate chops...

Anna (in a less than enthusiastic tone): Mmmmm... OK... But only if you bribe me.

*SIGH*

If I were a superstitious woman...

I would take this as a really bad sign, and we would just go ahead and buy a gun and be done with it.

I'm talking about the fact that Anna seems to already have a fan club. I mean really, though I have never thought myself to be beautiful, as a teen I wasn't too hard on the eye- but now that I'm 38 I often wonder just how these 2 beautiful girls of mine came to be. John says the same thing.

"How did we (meaning 2 ugly old farts like us) ever make such beautiful girls."

Of course for just a moment, I reacted like you would expect.

"Gee, thanks, honey."

I'm sure I rolled my eyes too, but I laughed because I knew he was right. We ain't spring chickens, ya know. We got started late in life. Sure we , married young and thank God- I tell him- at least we got to enjoy each other while we were still semi-hot. ;)

Roww-rowwwww, Hunka hunka!

Awww, poor guy! Married for a half hour and already looking exhausted.
If he only knew! Oh well, hindsight, right?
BTW, we'll be married 19 years this coming June 3rd.
SCARY! Man, am I rockin' the 80's hair or what?

Anywho...... digression, digression, a tangent, digression... Oh, right, Anna. I asked Anna a few days ago if she still had an admirer at school. Anna told us that the little testosterone filled trouble maker at school still swoons at the sight of her, and usually says a very quick "I love you" as he passes by her desk.

I snorted.

Then she said very casually that most of the boys in her class are "crushin' on her". One boy likes to ask her, "Hey, hot baby... how's it goin'?"

I guffawed.

Good lord folks, who is teaching these kids one liners? Joey Tribbiani? *How you doin'?*

Another boy likes to tell her "You look sexy".

I had a stroke.


Ummmmmmmm, 'scuse me? *sigh* I think I may have mentioned this once ot twice before.

We are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo in trouble.

What a stinker!!!!

Anna has come to know and trust her mom as a pit checker. This means that if she is in any way concerned that she might be a little funky, she presents her arm in a salute and I do a quick damage control assessment. And sometimes I have to slap some deodorant on her pits after she has had an energetic day at school, because my girls don't get baths every day... they both have very dry skin and eczema. :/

Since nothing is sacred in this house, especially any alone time a mother could wish for ( ie: restroom breaks), Anna barged into the bathroom and asked that I do a pit check. From the throne I leaned forward and took a whiff, gasped, coughed, then took another whiff.

Upon seeing what I can only assume looked like shock, horror and/or utter disbelief, my darling 7 year old began to laugh hysterically. She laughed the laugh of a seasoned practical joker.

She literally ROFL'd.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?!!!!"

"Yeah," she giggled, barely able to form the words, "I knew it was bad, I wanted to see the look.... bwahahahahahaahahhhaaaaaa!"

*sigh* I shudder to think what April Fool's will bring. Heaven (and Proctor and Gamble) help me.



Today, Anna and Emma watched Diego (Anna is on Spring vacation), and Emma announced that she wanted to get Hungry Hippo Hippo ( Hungry Hungry Hippo) after seeing a commercial.

"You know, that game was out when I was a kid," I said to my two precious babes.

"When you were a kid, were the hippos like a bluish-gray," Anna asked me.

"Are you saying that I'm so old that games were in black and white when I was a kid?" My mouth dropped open in disbelief, then turned up in a smile because my sweet 7 year old is wise [and funny] beyond her years.

This was her response, or something akin to it anyway:

Man, are we in trouble.