Soup to NUTS

Ok, not soup exactly but definitely nuts. That was my day yesterday.

Yesterday started out pretty sweet actually. Emma (Little Red Ridinghood) and I made blueberry muffins :)

Please ignore the junk on the microwave.... thank you!

We recuperated a little later with our belly's full of warm, sweet muffins by taking a 2 1/2 hour nap. WOW! Maybe that's why I woke up at 5 am today and couldn't get back to sleep. Hmmmm.

Next the sweetest Male Income Support Unit and daddy ever brought home a surprise for all three of his girls.
Somewhere in there I decided to do a little maintenance in our old laundry room. Since it was an addition to our 1930's home, it isn't insulated very well and the pipes freeze on me unless I have a heater on in the basement blowing warm air into the small hole that the pipes go through. Even when I do that the pipes will freeze at times when I have the door closed to keep as much cold air out of the kitchen as possible.

So, I usually take the washer hose out of the drain pipe and pour warm water inside the drain pipe to make sure it's not frozen. Otherwise , obviously, water will spray everywhere. I say obviously because, well as you know I'm a dork and obviously I have actually sprayed water everywhere.

Aha! I am ahead of the game, you see. I am very pleased and proud of myself that i have had a bit of foresight.

So lets recap, shall we? It's supposed to look like this, right?

And when you disconnect the washer hose from the drain pipe to pour warm water in there, ya know to make sure it's draining properly... it looks like this, right?

OK, good. And how should it look when you are about to put in a load of laundry?

OOOOPS.

Um, yeah. So the very thing I was so proud of avoiding? I accomplished the opposite. Yes, what they say is true:

"Pride goes before the fall." ~ (paraphrased) God

I told John last night that I should come with my own disclaimer in form of a adhesive sticker. For my forehead.
I told him he should get out while he can because I killed one too many brain cells while we were in the Navy, that I had thousands of brain cells pulling the plug every day, and that at this rate I'll be a veg at 60.

He just stood there and smiled/chuckled... and said nothing to contradict me or make me feel better. Good thing he brought flowers. XD

On the bright side? At least I had a 2 1/2 hour nap. I had lots of energy to clean up all the water. I had been wondering if our wet vac still worked. Oh, and my basement went through the rinse cycle as well. Niiiiiice.

Well, it's finally confirmed...

Even Myspace thinks I'm a nerd.

Whoopdie doodlie doo.

This Might(y) B the funniest cartoon evah!

I have to admit.. I am a closet 'toonie.

I don't watch 'toons as much as I used to, but I remember my adult 'toon career starting as early as 18 yrs old. Yup, fresh off the turnip truck, I would watch the Flintstones after a looooong night shift as a Hospital Corpsman at Naval Hospital, Bethesda, Maryland. I'd climb into my top bunk after a long night of scrubbing old, retired colonel butts and suctioning tracheostomies and watch Fred blunder through Bedrock, dragging Barney along on his meat-head meanderings. Loooooved it!

Later, when I married the hubs, I got him hooked on Ren and Stimpy and South Park. Somewhere in there I started watching MTV's Liquid Television and got him hooked on Aeon Flux and Beavis and Butthead. Have I mentioned that I may be a bad influence? Ummm, I just said butt, heh heh.

Recently, Nick premiered a new 'toon called Mighty B. The concept of the show was a collaboration of 3 people- including Amy Pohler (SNL, need I say more?), who also does the voice for the main character Bessie Higgenbottom . Oh my sweet nutter butters, is she funny! This new show is [IMHO] a cross between Ren and Stimpy and Square Pegs, with a little dash of I Love Lucy thrown in.

In the words of Harry (Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber): "I like i'. I like i' a lah' ."

:D

It's all about the Benjamins, baby!

I know, I know, you never expect a 38 year old, white-xican middle class mom of 2 to start quoting a rap song but you should know by now to expect the unexpected when it comes to the ol' mert. :P

I am of course referring to the fact that I got to train as a cashier at The T on Thursday. Let me just preface this whole post by saying that when Miss HR said that we would feel overwhelmed with all of the information that we received during orientation? Ummm yeah, just a smidge. Fortunately though, all of the fellow employees that I have worked with have been very nice and VERY patient.

Also,on a side note- we were informed for the 20th time during the 2 days of orientation that using the employee discount for anyone other than the people that are applicable is unacceptable. For me, that would be me and John will get his own discount card since he is considered a dependent. Once the girls are 16, if I am still working at The T, they will get their own cards. For the youngsters I'm orienting with, they can only use the discount for themselves. Using your discount for your family and friends will result in immediate termination. So, you can't purchase anything and let them pay you back, so that they will benefit from the discount basically. Keep this little tidbit stored away until the end of my post.

Anyway, after learning the basics and running drills with fake credit cards with my fellow orientees for about 1 1/2 hours, we were thrown to the wolves. I managed to get my first mistake out of the way on my very first live transaction, and it was a biggie. Yay me. *rolls eyes* HOWEVER, I was consciously anally retentive after that, but in a sweaty and nervous kind of way. ;) After that I made a few small fixable errors like the scanner picking up an item twice.

My newbie cohorts and I all got a few customers then had a lull for a few minutes, then I realized that I was first in line as far as customers coming from the back of the store. I realized that I should just plow ahead and take as many customers as possible to get more comfortable... and before I knew I was chit chatting with them like 7 years ago when I was a nurse. Talking to complete strangers came back with such an ease, and with the exception of 2 people talking with them was pleasant.

After about 40 minutes of checking out customers, I was in the groove and felt pretty comfortable... except when I remembered that the register times your transactions. Yes, you actually get "speed reports". You want to stay green, not yellow or red. I got a few reds, but for the most part green, but still when I heard that cashiers were timed, I was kind of floored. But I guess with more experience it shouldn't be a problem.

Overall though, it was pretty easy once I got the hang of it. The high school kid that was orienting with me jokingly complained that i was getting all of the customers being first in line at the registers, so I asked him if he wanted to switch registers. "NO," he held up his hands.

The night wasn't done after I got off work though, my MIL was nice enough to pick me from work. She needed to get Anna's birthday present yet so after I clocked out, I put on my coat to make sure I wouldn't be approached after hours (they suggest this), and I toodle'd around the curtain aisle while waiting for the MIL to get there. And waited , and waited. Some of the team looked at me questioningly and maybe even a little suspiciously.

Let me just say that I have this weird thing that even if I'm completely innocent, I get a little nervous (sometimes angry and indignant, but mostly nervous) when someone starts looking at me with narrowed or judging eyes. So, even if I'm not doing anything wrong, I probably look as if I'm doing something wrong. I'm a dork, sue me.

Anywho, I finally found the MIL, and we headed over to curtains. She had a cart full of stuff so I put my things on the bottom of the cart (pull ups, milk x2, cereal, and granola bars x2). After we picked out curtains that matched a Hannah Montana pillow case that I had ordered from Amazon.com, we headed up to the front.

As I walked to the front, I noticed the Team Leader that had been on my shift standing up at the register talking to the fella that was working the register... and then I noticed that her face fell from slight amusement to "Oh, NO she DI'INT!" ( and even possibly over to "B*tch, please!").

"Oh God," I thought to myself..."She actually thinks that I am retarded enough to try that- on the first day? Shoot, I know they are serious about firing... but I'm not that stupid. Maybe dumb, but not stupid." Completely innocent me, I practically implicate myself by nervously looking at the cart and trying to bring spit back into my dry mouth by licking my lips.

Then, as I neared the gallows register, I realized, "Hey, you have endured much worse than this... This is just a Pavlovian response to your upbringing, and the oh so familiar look she is giving you. You didn't do anything wrong. So, you were punished as child, despite whether or not you were guilty... get over it. You're not a kid anymore."

So I came to the register and calmly said," This is my stuff," as I put my things on the counter, 'And ALL of that," I made a pushing motion towards the 1/2 full cart," is my MIL's." I smiled reassuringly, and looked the Team Leader square in the eye.

I mean seriously, why would I agree to work so hard for such little pay and go through the agony of learning so much information in such little time... just to mess it up, all for a 10% discount? OK, maybe for a 40% discount, but 10% is hardly worth the effort. ;)

Turns out my discount card still wasn't working, so they owe me $2.20. Sons a biscuits.

Of course, after we were all done being rung up, I started to shake out of nervousness (Old habits die hard. Thanks mother). I realize that she was just doing her job, but man do I hate that feeling. I'm sure every new employee probably gets that "Sucka, PLEASE!" look the first time they approach the register with someone else, but it just makes me feel bad.

Oh well, I'm sure this will make a good story next year at the Christmas party. ;)

So long good friend, RIP.

Dearest friend,

I am so sorry that I never told you how much I loved you and now you are gone. I just can't believe it. I am saddened by absence of your humming, the house seems so empty without it.

All the hours we spent in the kitchen together will be remembered with fondness, and I will never forget your tireless energy and your willingness to help me with menial task of washing my dishes.

You carried about your business in the kitchen like nothing was wrong, and I am almost angry that you gave me no warning that you were having issues with your health and would soon die. Yesterday, I knew something was wrong when you just didn't care anymore and decided to smoke for the first time... and just moments before I had to pull the plug, you made odd sputtering and popping noises.

I sensed a spark in you at that moment, a great and horrible spark that I never knew you even had in you. It was almost as if you had decided that life could be summed up in the way in which you left this earth, that your final act would be a memorable one. If only you had warned me, shown some sign that something was amiss... I could have had someone take a look at you and fix what had been ailing you.

I didn't know that the slight leaking from your bottom was that serious. Maybe that was the sign that you were trying to show me... and I ignored it like a fool. I just cleaned up after you and went on believing that everything was alright.

You cold body remains in my kitchen and it is horrifying to me that soon you will sit out in the cold, frozen, for anyone to harvest your parts if they wish. The thought of strangers touching you is almost more than I can bear. I only wish that we had the money to dispose of you properly.

I hope you do not think poorly of me and will understand when I eventually move on and search for another to fill the void.

You once brought Joy and Sunlight into my life, and I feel a gentle warmth Cascade over me when I think of our time together. Dishwasher... you will be sorely missed.

Rest in peace.

1995?-2007

~mert

Random Bizarre-ness

So, two nights ago, after discovering that we are behind on some bills (long story, let's just say that my husband USED to pay the bills *sigh*), I opened a piece of mail that I almost threw out. That little voice said, "No, open it... really."

The unopened piece of mail and I stared each other down for a few minutes. Finally I gave in and opened it, and for my efforts I earned a refund check of 400.00 from our property tax escrow account.

And a paper cut, but it was totally worth it.

That night, obviously distressed that 400.00 wouldn't even touch the bills that we have, I had a dream that night that we won over a million dollars, and I found out by opening a piece of mail.

Now, to sound completely weird let me just say that I have had dreams that have come real, and parts of dreams that have come true. Some of the dreams are good, and some are bad,a nd some are just wishful thinking. I'm playing the lottery just in case.

In other "The circus that is me" news, I had more freaky dreams last night. I don't know what this means, and I don't know if I want to know... I dreamed that Glen Close was having a sing-off with an older actress, who's name fails me.

The really weird part is that I can remember waking up briefly to turn over and thinking, "Glen could take that old broad, in more ways than one. Especially Fatal Attraction Glen." What the...? No more BLT's for dinner for me. Something got my brain going wonky... maybe it was the adhesive from all of those bills I opened?

This morning I heard a beeping sound. It was driving us all nuts. I had my husband look in the basement to check the water softener and some alarm. I checked around to find the source of the weird electronic sound, and thought I heard it come from a lap top that my husband had already packed and taped up in a box and told John after he came up from searching the basement for 10 minutes.

After John completely unpacked and unwrapped the lap top, the sound chimed again near the spot the laptop box had been originally. Then I realized my cell phone was right there in that spot.

OOPS!

"I'm gonna kill you, lady, " John said shaking his head and laughing.

I guess being so anal retentive (about charging your cell phone that you don't even recognize your own phone's recharge alarm) does have it's down side.

Well, a downside for the husband, anyway.

The downside to the downside? The next time something beeps he's going to send me on the wild goose chase.

Frisk the 15th

We are officially in the midst of The Season, and I know we are all busy, but guys and gals... lets take a moment for what is really important in our lives, our boobs and our health ;)

*** Sing to the tune of Deck The Halls***

'Tis the season to get crazy
Falalalalalalala
When you brain gets tired and hazy
Falalalalalalala
And while your singing all these LaLas
Falalalalala la la la!
Don't forget to Frisk your Ta-Tas!
FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LAAAAAA!



OK, now put your boobs down and please pass the biscuits!

Ten thousand down, forty thousand to go...

This is my brain...


This is my brain in NaNo.

Any qwestions?


Oh, rite... not much diffarhrent I guess, only my speeling is noticeably more horribowl with speel check.

And not only am I slightlee more dorky ( and adorable, I think), but my powers of procrastynation are increeesed 10 fohld. ;) *drool*


I seem to be having more luck with posting on my blog. Dern, I should have done NaBloPoMo.

One more thing... does this picture make my nose look big?

Ultimate Life

My blogging bud Avery tagged me for this meme, thanks Avery! I had a lot of fun. :D

The rules are:
Answer the questions as realistically or unrealistically as you want.
Copy the rules into your meme post.
Link back to the person who tagged you.
Tag 5 others

1. Where would you live?
I would found my own town called Dorkville, where the dorks could roam free. I would welcome new residents by having a Fantasy Island like welcome luau, and I would dress Emma up like Tattoo, and she would yell "The Dorks! The Dorks, boss mom! The Dorks!"

2. What would your job be (or if unrealistic) what would you do all day?
I would be a dork herder, of course! But I think I would hire someone else to clean up after them, dork poo is the worst. I live in a house full of dorks so I should know. ;)

3. Who would you spend your time with? Doing what?
All the dorks that are near and dear to my heart. We would spend the days doing dorky things like laughing at each others awkward social interactions ( totally with dork love, though), watching all of the dork cult classics like every Star Trek/Star Wars movie and episode ever created. In the event that we should run out of material, we will then have our dork writers translate each of those into Shakespearian plays, and we will have Dork Renaissance Fairs ( is that redundant?) .

4. What kind of holidays/vacations would you take?
Well, I suppose I would have to create my own credit card company so every Dork could afford to go on vacation. It would be called Dorkwad- The card for Dorkwads everywhere. We would go anywhere our dorky cheer was accepted... so I'm guessing the farthest we would get would be the outskirts of Dorkville.

5. What luxury items would you own?
I would have everything a dork could desire. Unfortunately a lot of it would probably be stuff I don't need- like dog paw mittens, a space shuttle and spinners for Emma's stroller. Oh and a diamond tiara.

6. What charities would you support or represent?
I'd give my dorky money to any charity that helps children, women and families in need ( this covers the abused, homeless and ill).

I tag (feel free to refuse the tag, I'll get over it. Eventually.) :P
Maggie
Dorky Dad
NotSoAnonymousMichelle
Virginia
Factor 10

This is my face... and, this is my face on crack.

Want to give it a try? Go to this site I found on Stumble... But you need a pic that is 60X50 pixels so have your paint program like photoshop handy to resize your picture. Also I couldn't get the html code they give you to look right so I used a screen capture utility to take a pic of the results... I use Simply Capture.

BTW, don't do crack. Crack is bad. This has been PSA brought to you by Mert.

Well, that's good to know...Who needs a kidney?

$4825.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth. From Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

Oh, reeeealllly?

So today I was being tortured at the dentist's office and before she got her meat hooks on me (literally and figuratively), I hear this song playing just as I was reclining in the masochistic chair of doom:



I mentioned this to Doctor Demento, and we all had a good laugh over it, including the hygienist. I laughed hysterically. You know the kind of laugh where your voice cracks and everyone feels uncomfortable after? Yeah. Like that.


Also today I was unfortunate enough to have a Wooden Handled Knife impale itself in my right ring finger, at the tip. It was lying in wait at the bottom of the murky Waters of Dish. Be very careful, those little somma guns will jump up and getcha. The hotter the water the better, since the hot water increase circulation in the Wooden Handled Knives' main source of nutrition... the digits.

So take my advice, wait until the dish water is luke warm before braving those dreary waters... kick your heels up and enjoy a book or something. Shoot, put the dishes off until tomorrow. That was my first instinct.

I should have listened.

The bright spot in all of this is that my 2 year old heard me yelp and came running, she asked me what happened as I held my hand up while bundling it in some paper towels.

"You got a booboo, momma?"

"Yeah, honey. I hurt myself, I cut my finger on a knife."

"Well, don't do that THEN."

"Thanks Emma, that a big help."

Who couldn't use a little sparkle, right?

One of my all-time favorite bloggers has a new review site called An Island Review, in which she reports and links to contests, give aways and freebies. I think this is an excellent idea... Local Girl is providing a service to all of us bloggers who can't resist those sort of things :D

Local Girl is having a drawing for these:

My first reaction was "Oooh La La!", my second was to drool, and my 3rd? I entered the drawing of course!

Quoted from An Island Review-
How to Enter:

1. Mention this contest on your blog with a link back to this post.
2. Leave a comment below as to why you think you should win the bling.
   
3. A random winner will be selected on July 14th and contacted via email.

Then I commented:

Hmmm, why do I deserve these? As a mom of 2 beautiful and spirited girls whom I love very much and can't imagine my life without- I need down time. My down time usually consists reading, blogging, crafting or sewing while listening to my iPod.

I think every mom needs a little down time, a little "mom time" to recharge their batteries, and I think listening to your favorite music while kicking your heels up - even if it's only for 15 minutes- could be just the thing.

Plus, these headphones are just deliciously pink and sparkley! Mom time with sparkles? Even better.

So, if you are feelin' lucky and would like these sweet little jewel encrusted headphones, head over to An Island Review and tell Local Girl why you deserve these... then just write a post about it!

Keeping the skills up over summer break- OR , You do the math

Me last night at bed time: Anna , I really want you to do some reading this week... I don't want you to forget what you learned this last year in kindergarten. We can do some math too.

Anna: Mom, I've got some math for ya...

Mom
+goofy
------
dufus

I'm thinking somehow that this ISN'T Pass The Torch material. The hardest part is the fact that she KNOWS she is funny, so how am I not supposed to laugh? ;)

Oh my, one of my best blogging buds gave me the link to this... Maggie said"At least she didn't do this. I love Anna's sense of humor."

iCrackmyselfup

Scroll down for Thursday Thirteen.

I made this the other day for Wordless Wednesday at Dork Bloggers... You know I couldn't help myself. I just had to make more.

I'm very proud of the Star Wars ones, I made the silhouettes and light sabers myself. I should have made one that said iObsess! Go get yours here :D
You can thank me later. ;)

More proof that I am a dork...

Guess what I did this weekend , y'all? Hmmm... what did I do this weekend? Not much except go shopping with the MIL and watch movies. Oh yeah, I Bedazzled my iPod. I found an iPod case at Walmart for 1.50$... I was in bargain hunter heaven! The only problem is that I came home with 4 *snort* Black, pink, aqua, and chartreuse .

Anyway, I spent over an hour adding bling to my new iPod case- and that was with help! Anna had to help me because my aging eyes couldn't tell the difference between clear and the light green bling.

Well, here is what my case looks like after I was through.

Jealous?

Actually, I think it needs more. A girl can never have enough sparkley stuff. I know less is more, but wouldn't that make more fantastic?

Anna brought home a note today confirming what she has been telling us all weekend... that she needs an old shoe ASAP for a Top Secret Mother's Day Present. Anna has never been one for keeping a secret secret, and she let a few details slip such as the project involving spray painting, and she wanted to be able to add some sort of bling to it.

Of course, the subject of bling came up as we were in full on bling mode (BTW, could I say bling more in this post? Blingity bling bling bling.), and she wants to use my extra jewels left over from my Pimp My iPod project for her Top Secret Mother's Day Present.

Cool! I kept asking if she knew when she needed the shoe, she said she didn't know yet.

Then I wondered to myself if the teacher had actually ever smelled her students feet. If she had, I'm sure her little TSMDP wouldn't seem like such a good idea. Unless she is planning to devote an entire can of spray paint to each shoe, thereby virtually shellacking the thing!

Gee, I hope it's not going to be a candy dish. ;)

In my dreams! (My Friday the Dorkteenth Dorkfession)

Ok, I wont actually be entering the Dorkteenth contest because:

• I made the prize buttons. Though I admitted to a friend that winning my own prize would probably be very dorky of me.
• I have shared so, so many of my dorkiest moments with you... (Like: When grilling and bacon collide, matter and fruit punch, and the story about the unfortunate airplane incident)
• I am having a hard time picking just one.
• And- My sweet, sweet, loving and encouraging husband says that I have an unfair advantage over everyone. Well, because I am the "Queen of Dorks".

Anyway, I figured since everyone else is posting their deep, dark, horribly dorky secrets... I would post something I had never admitted to on my blog before.
* I know you're cringing right now honey, my sweet, sweet MISU. Sorry!*
It is, after all, Dorkfessional Friday and Friday the Dorkteenth!

Here it goes... When I was pregnant with Anna, my oldest, I had naughty dreams about this guy.
Yes, that's right folks... Leslie Neilsen. I'm a bad, bad girl.
At least I have pregnancy to blame. Right?


When I was preggers with Emma, I had another embarrassing "dream" involving this guy:
No, no... not the young, hot, Fonzie version...

...That's right, uhhh- this guy!


If you haven't left yet in disgust, or haven't run screaming from the room...
I recently (4 months ago, I think?) had a dream about this guy:

YESSSSS, that's right... just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, eh?
Ummmmhmmmm, THIS GUY.

Only, I wasn't knocked up this time. So I have no excuse.
I guess pale, freckled and DORKY can be hot.
Just look at me!

I kid people, I jest.
About me being hot, not about the rest of this post unfortunately.

I think it's safe to say that I find a sense of humor very sexy in a man. *snort*
At least my dream lust interests are getting younger. Right?

Right?

Friday the Dorkteenth Contest... Dare to get your Dork on!

Sticky Post! Scroll down for more recent posts

As quoted from the Grand Dork Mistress- Factor 10:

I realize I'm a week early, but there is Dorkxiety and stress about getting the posts up and the whole cursed day of doom thing.

Plus perhaps reading other people's tales of Dorkdom will inspire our reluctant Blogging friends.

Four simple rules, really.

1. Write a post on your blog, or provide a link to your dorkiest moment, if it has been previously blogged.

2. Top it with the fabulous Banners designed by Mert (that's me! :D), or include a link to this post.

3. Enter your name and link in the linky box provided. (at Dork Bloggers)

4. Go read other people's Dorkfessions, and vote anytime during the week of March 14-21.

The winner of the popular vote will get a $20 Amazon.com giftcard, and the custom winner button designed by Mert (hello, me again! :P Without the MERT watermark, of course).

And possibly some cheesy Dorkbloggers swag. Begging friends and family members to vote for you is encouraged.

...So post those "Dorkiest Moment Ever" stories!
Check out the rules and post your links here . :D
Squeeeeee!

White & Nerdy indeed.

I was adding the mp3 White & Nerdy to Dork Bloggers, and just a few minutes ago I was checking to make sure it was playing correctly.

As my idol Weird Al Yankovicwas singing the part in the beginning I'm so White N' Nerdy, Anna said, "Just like you!"

And we both burst into laughter.

If your 6 yr old tells ya, it's gotta be true.

I'm just saying.


As if there was any doubt. ;)

Dork origins, Mert style

Over at Dork Bloggers, my home away from home ;) we like to do a little thing called Dork Origins where we explain (as best as we can) the reasons for our inherent dorkiness. Dork war stories if you will. We are casualties of Dork.

When I look back at my life, and all it's dorkfulness, I have no doubt of where my dork genes originate. That's right folks I said genes, plural. I think we all know by now that I am above average in the dork department.

I believe what they say is true to some degree... that we are a product of our environment, and I wonder to myself if the fact that my mother (whom I refer to most times as the "egg donor" because I hate calling her mom, because she sucked and doesn't deserve to be called that) is NUTS. Seriously, she has papers.

Anyway, I probably could keep you here all day reading about my dork origins, but I will tell you about the ones that are most prominent in my mind.

When I was about 15, my parents had decided that we kids needed a little culture and took us away from the redneck town we lived in to Annapolis. Annapolis is a beautiful city on the Chesapeake Bay that is famous for its quaint cobbled and bricked streets lined with town houses (for Yuppies), it's inner harbor with elegant restaurants and bay side views of the sail boats going by (owned by Yuppies), and the Naval Academy (which often housed of the spawn of Yuppies).

Being poor and unrefined, my mother (who had a nose for sniffing out bargains and freebies) thought that the best place for used to get a little taste of culture would an art gallery in downtown Annapolis. This art gallery just happened to be serving free wine and cheese! Well, imagine that. Me and my older brother were allowed to have a sip of free wine with our free cheese and crackers. Meanwhile, the egg donor enjoyed quite a bit of free wine with her free cheese and crackers.

My mother, always appreciative of a good piece of art, pointed to a painting of the Annapolis inner harbor and said, "Wook at da pwee-wee wah-wah!"

Roughly translated to : "Look at the pretty water!"

My dad quickly grabbed her by the hand and dragged her out of the art gallery, and we kids followed closely behind with our eyes on the floor. My dad- having had considerable experience with free alcohol and it's affects- decided that mommy dearest should probably walk it off. My parents came up with yet another brilliant idea... why not take the whole family- including more than a little tipsy and inappropriate mommy- to the actual inner harbor? The place where the affluent strolled, and maybe even enjoyed a few quiet moments on their sailboat or yacht, and where Naval Academy plebes and midshipmen sauntered in groups or with dates.

Sure, why not.

We went to a nautical store. This store had in its window a brass door knocker that my mother had been eying, in the shape of and anchor. My dad dragged her to the register, and my mother - the drunken egg donor- was elated and very pleased with herself for finally being able to afford the thing she had coveted for over a year.

As we walked by our station wagon on our way to a hat store called The Belfry- which I assure you, stuck out like... well a semi-redneck family trying to pretend that they were well off enough to even be there mingling with Maryland's upper crust- and just as a group of really cute midshipman walked by, mother loudly slurred that she needed to "put her knockers in the car".

The whole of Annapolis stopped to stare, and a hush fell over the city- but only after a collective gasp that was heard around the world. I looked over to the midshipmen, who were all decked out in their dress whites and plainly said,

"I do not know that woman."

I did an about face and walked into another shop.


AND FINALLY, a story that I recant with fondness and a light heart... well because it involves my dad...

Lets travel back in time to when I was about 12. My step-dad- who raised me from the age of 6, so I really consider him my dad, and was a geek computer programmer in the Air Force- was outside building his new fabulous tool shed. This shed was not just a shed, and in actuality it was probably at least 1/2 the size of the main floor of our house. With some help from friends, we had a foundation of cinder blocks and plywood over the support beams of the floor. My dad was happily working away outside on a sweltering morning as I brought his steaming cup of coffee out to him, because you see- my dad was a proud Okie, and drank coffee all year round.

*Edit to add: To clarify, as I said in comments "BTW, it's only redneck if you're sweating profusely, wearing jeans with no shirt in the middle of summer, AND drinking coffee. :D"

While I was walking out to him, I noticed he was waving a hand around violently. I handed him his cup and giggled when I asked what he was doing. Evidently there was a big, ugly horsefly whizzing around him, stopping occasionally to light on his body and bite him. Oh, I said, well here's your coffee, dad.

I walked back inside, and a few minutes later we heard a yell come from outside. We ran outside to see if dad was hurt. It turns out that dear old dad had been fighting that horsefly for about a half an hour, and my dad had gotten so annoyed that he had even taken a couple of swings at the horsefly with the hammer in his hand. He whacked at the coarse and ugly bug with the hammer and missed several times.

"I finally got it, though, " My dad smiled and chuckled, thrusting his mighty hammer in the air in triumph with one hand and cradling his leg with the other, "But unfortunately it had landed on my shin."