Soup to NUTS

Ok, not soup exactly but definitely nuts. That was my day yesterday.

Yesterday started out pretty sweet actually. Emma (Little Red Ridinghood) and I made blueberry muffins :)

Please ignore the junk on the microwave.... thank you!

We recuperated a little later with our belly's full of warm, sweet muffins by taking a 2 1/2 hour nap. WOW! Maybe that's why I woke up at 5 am today and couldn't get back to sleep. Hmmmm.

Next the sweetest Male Income Support Unit and daddy ever brought home a surprise for all three of his girls.
Somewhere in there I decided to do a little maintenance in our old laundry room. Since it was an addition to our 1930's home, it isn't insulated very well and the pipes freeze on me unless I have a heater on in the basement blowing warm air into the small hole that the pipes go through. Even when I do that the pipes will freeze at times when I have the door closed to keep as much cold air out of the kitchen as possible.

So, I usually take the washer hose out of the drain pipe and pour warm water inside the drain pipe to make sure it's not frozen. Otherwise , obviously, water will spray everywhere. I say obviously because, well as you know I'm a dork and obviously I have actually sprayed water everywhere.

Aha! I am ahead of the game, you see. I am very pleased and proud of myself that i have had a bit of foresight.

So lets recap, shall we? It's supposed to look like this, right?

And when you disconnect the washer hose from the drain pipe to pour warm water in there, ya know to make sure it's draining properly... it looks like this, right?

OK, good. And how should it look when you are about to put in a load of laundry?

OOOOPS.

Um, yeah. So the very thing I was so proud of avoiding? I accomplished the opposite. Yes, what they say is true:

"Pride goes before the fall." ~ (paraphrased) God

I told John last night that I should come with my own disclaimer in form of a adhesive sticker. For my forehead.
I told him he should get out while he can because I killed one too many brain cells while we were in the Navy, that I had thousands of brain cells pulling the plug every day, and that at this rate I'll be a veg at 60.

He just stood there and smiled/chuckled... and said nothing to contradict me or make me feel better. Good thing he brought flowers. XD

On the bright side? At least I had a 2 1/2 hour nap. I had lots of energy to clean up all the water. I had been wondering if our wet vac still worked. Oh, and my basement went through the rinse cycle as well. Niiiiiice.

Ahhhh, there's nothing like the smell of the great outdoors

Emma has recently (meaning the last 3 months) learned to employ new torture tactics. At the first sign of any adversity (meaning anything not going her way), she screams (meaning blood curdling, horror movie ,shrieks of despair).

John has been out of town for mandatory training since last Sunday, and the children of the corn have been most disagreeable in his absence, to the point of the gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair... and eventual fantasies of joining the witness protection program on his return.

Which would be today, thank you Jesus.

Anywho, digressions aside...Emma shrieked today and I decided that the penalty, henceforth, shall be instant and immediate time out.

No pleas, no excuses... *imagine me saying, with my "talk to the hand" salute* BUP BUP BUP! Time out!

So, she sits a few feet away from me on her Little Tykes picnic table, demanding a tissue.

"Nope," I say, "we are outside, and you are in time out. I'm not going inside just to get a tissue."

"But I need a tissue..." She produces a largish boog on her pointer finger.

"Bah!" I shrink back a little , only because, OK the booger was massive, "Use nature's tissue. Here's a leaf." I pluck a leaf from the weeds nearby.

"OK," she says giggling, relishing the thought of wiping her boog on greenery.

Oh my, -I think-... what have I begun.

I start in on sharing a wondrous piece of history with my precious babe, "You know, there was a time when people didn't have toilet paper. They had to use leaves. Can you imagine that?"

I look over at Emma , just as she replies "nope", and just in time to find her wrapping a leaf around her boog finger and sticking it up her nose tissue style.

" No," I yell, "Your supposed to... I meant..." This is where I begin to try to hide my amusement and stifle hysterical laughter.

And fail miserably, as usual.

She stops, looking up at me as I try to compose myself and my words, waiting...

With the leaf still stuffed up her nose.

Some how I'm thinking that the fine art of "leaf blowing" was not included in Dr. Spock's book. Or parenting 101. But, I am proud to have taught her to appreciate the great outdoors.

Silver lining people, silver lining.

Emma, last month, enjoying ham-ing it up for the camera. I think she inherited the class clown gene from her momma.
God help us.

That's life - OR- I need a vacation

Sooooo..... Long time no see huh? I bet the 4 people that still read my blog might be wondering what I have been up to lately, and to those 4 lovely people (who I am very very grateful for!!!) I would like to say this: My life is complete chaos right now.

Which I suppose for some people is normal, but for me that hasn't been true for a very long time. Since I was a kid actually, but compared to that my life is a song.

Emma's birthday was on the 30th, and we had a very small party for her. If you remember, I was able to talk the little booger into having a princess party:

I feel bad because I didn't actually make her cake, but I had to work the 2 days before her birthday.... my MIL bought the cake and I decorated it at least :) She didn't have a nap that day since her party fell on her nap time, but later she crashed out on the couch while sitting with Anna and me. I thought back and realized that 3 years to the day, she was sleeping just like that I am sure.

NOW...

Of course the MISU didn't bother to tell me he was taking a pic of me too, so I was doing the "let me smoosh myself way back so I'm not in the pic, while unfortunately making my double chin look ginourmous" thing. *SNORT*

And then :D

Since her birthday, I have been working A LOT. I only wanted to work 3 days a week but I have been working a lot more, and I just worked 5 days in a row at The T. Just when I started to get used to working in retail, and getting used to the rhythms of the sales floor, I go and do something stupid like asking to be cross trained in the "Food Avenue"... which came at a very bad time as 2 regular kitchen employees have quit to move to another state. So, I trained last weekend and have a total of 4 food area shifts already this week. When I asked to be trained there, several supervisors (including the HR) pounced on me, saying, "So you wanna work at Food Ave, huh? Do ya? Do ya? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

I should have known right then- as I stood there gagging at the stench of sheer desperation coming down the hall at me- to run in the other direction pleading temporary insanity.

Really.

I thought I'd train so that I could get an extra shift here and there... not to replace a Food Ave employee. Clearly I need to talk to HR about this if they continue to schedule me more than once a week, though they told me I had a lot of shifts because someone was on vacation. We shall see.

Actually, I have 2 more food shifts this week, then one next week... so I called yesterday for them to make a notation to NOT schedule any more food shifts for me until I figure out whether or not I like it.

Anyway, other than that I have contemplated giving up blogging. I have little time to write, and no time to read my favorite blogs, AND given that I am so miserably behind in both seems overwhelming to me... which kills any desire to blog at all.

I am sure that you, dear reader, have been here at this very cross road. My readership is way down because I haven't been posting, and as much as I hate to admit it, readership relies almost completely on "popularity" and reader reciprocation- meaning that there seems to be a certain algebraic equation to popularity, and I am horrible at math now. Also, if you don't have the said algebraic components and digits, then fail to reciprocate comments... yer done.

I just don't have the energy to prostitute myself for comments/readership right now. What I mean by THAT is I have begged, pleaded and apologized in the past for not reading/reciprocating, and I have tried to "fix" things by spending hours reading other blogs to play catch up or to try to save face. This has no bearing on those blogs I read, and they (the blog owners) are not to blame, and they are not to blame for the guilt that I used to feel.

This is just how I feel about it all.

But honestly? That's life. Often times we find ourselves in situations where we have to choose and sacrifice, and sometimes we have to scrape away the extraneous and unproductive parts of our lives to really discover what we are made of. I don't feel guilty, just sad. I don't want to lose touch with friends that I have made blogging, but again that's life. Just like in real life, sometimes you lose friends despite your best efforts. Sometimes people outgrow relationships.

For me, right now at this moment, I am not sure where blogging fits into my life. So much so that I forgot my 2 year bloggiversary on February 6th. And on a side note, since starting [to] work [my @ss off], I have lost more weight. I'm down 20 lbs, y'all!

This part of my post is in no way meant to offend, and I hope it doesn't. Like I said, this is about me. At the end of the day, I have to decide what is more important; blogging or spending what little time I have with my kids on the days I work now, since I go to work about 45 minutes after Anna gets home from school and come home after their bedtimes. But also it has a lot to do with me not wanting to put those pressures on myself anymore, life is too short.

I do know this though... there are a few of you peeps who have stuck with me through thick and thin, crazy outburst and tyrannical/maniacal rants. Thank you so much for your love and support! Don't worry, I will make time for you, I promise (sorry I haven't emailed you back Factor 10 Jen, Ash and Michelle). It may not happen for a while until I have a decent stretch of days off, but know I am thinking about you.

Finally, trying to start a sewing business then getting a job was a really bad idea. I have no energy left for my basic housework let alone sewing. I have nothing so far for my web site: there is no design yet, and I have little product to show for the last 4 months. I'm not sure if I should even venture or risk it since I thought that maybe I could get business by posting pictures of my wares here on my blog, but as you can see I don't even have time for regular posts.

I hope to update here and there, but if I have no activity... well I guess ASP will have to close up shop.

Like I said, my life is chaos right now...We'll see how it goes.

I know you understand.

I can't stress enough...

***Warning, long with lots of angry complaining... please read the whole thing if you plan on commenting so you know EXACTLY where I am coming from. It's not too late to turn back.... OK, you asked for it!***

We are so back in the land of DRAMA with the MIL. Oh. The. Joys.

So. About a year and a half ago, the MIL starts dating this guy- who, can I just tell you- was just separated from his wife. He was a classmate of the MIL's in high school. He was a bit pushy and mentioned that maybe he could live with the MIL and she told him NO WAY. Good for her.

They continued to see each other for a while and even though she told everyone else on the planet that he was her boyfriend, when I said anything of the sort she snarled at me and said they were just friends. Literally bared her teeth at me, I kid you not.

What- EVER!

A little while after that, when things got a little to heavy for her, she told him she just wanted to be friends and hang out, have fun, nothing too serious. He persisted, she politely declined. He then told her that he got fired from Walmart for "patting a young woman on her butt". WOW. After 3 divorces, still such a good judge of character. That's a heck of a way to (not) break up with some one.

Anywho, that was end of that, she wanted nothing to do with him. A bit after that, we had our falling out with her this summer after she threw a sand pail of water in my 6 year old daughters face, and we didn't talk to her for almost 3 months I think.

I'm not sure when she started dating the very same YAHOO again, but it was around the time that we started to tolerate her presence in public again, and around the time that she decided to ambush me at a family member's birthday party... thinking in her twisted brain that her manipulating the situation and insisting to my face that I have slapped her in the past- ALL WHILE GRIPPING ME BY THE ARM and refusing to let me go until I heard her out- that this would suffice as "the talk " that we told her we needed to have before she could spend time with our kids. Grrrr.

Anyway, I believe that this yahoo that she had sworn she would never see again had possibly filled some void for her while she was refused access to her grand kids. Because of her crazy, unpredictable behavior.

Good for her.

Recently, (about 2-3 weeks ago) Anna was allowed to spend the night at her house. We had forgotten that the yahoo was back in the picture. The next day, the MIL calls and says, "We're going out to dinner to Wendy's, the yahoo and his grandson are coming too. Bah blah blah... Oh. I hope that's OK."

We were not OK with it because the yahoo already has a questionable character, but since they were going to be in public, we said fine. After Anna came home from the MIL's, Anna tells us that yahoo came over to the MIL's apartment. John and I looked at each other and I asked Anna if she had been left alone with yahoo at any time. Yes, she had, while the MIL went to the restroom and went to the kitchen.

Did I happen to mention that I had not even met this yahoo yet, and John had only been introduced in passing? And that the MIL KNOWS about how I was sexually abused by my father, and how I am very protective of my children, and she knows that I have a general mistrust of people when it comes to my girls? I told John early on while we dated that if my father has no problem doing that to me, I know strangers care even less what they do to children, and that was why I planned to be very protective if I ever had kids.

She knows ALL of this.

She knew she was in the wrong, that is why she did what she always does and asked after telling us what she was going to do (or in some cases, already did), by asking if " it's ok". John called her and let her know that this was unacceptable. He told her, "If he is over and Anna is there, and you have to leave the room, Anna is not to be left alone with him, or any stranger."

What does she say? She basically lies by implying that she already thought of that and was compliant by saying, "Oh, of course."

What she doesn't know is that we already knew at that point that she HAD left Anna alone with him.

She then asks, "Well, I'm not saying that this is going to happen but if I get married again, will I ever get to see my grand kids?"

Guilt trip, anyone? OK... so now I'm kind of getting to my point here. First of all, WTH? Married again? Where the heck....

John says, "Yes, but we don't want Anna left in a room with anyone who is a stranger. I'd have to get to know him better before that ever happens."

Two days ago I was talking to John's aunt, who is the MIL's sister. "Did you hear that she said to me that she mentioned to him (yahoo) that they should move in together to make things easier on each other?"

WHAT? Where is this coming from? She has been on meds for months now to "even her out". Honestly, she acts very much like my mother 85% of the time, and could very well be bipolar. Lately, she is short on money, so she cannot afford to compulsively shop like she normally does. She brags to us that she paid off some credit cards, and the next thing we know, she is buying more crap she doesn't need and her cards are maxed out again. Anyway, what she can't afford her usual compulsions so she decides she now NEEDS a man?

Now, here is the kicker... Last night I called her and let her know that I had some cooked chicken breasts that were going to go to waste (since we are eating out tonight and then this weekend I am going to cook the turkey John got from his job at Christmas... cuz we are po' ), and asked if she wanted them. Sure she said, she would swing by and pick them up, and Steve was coming.

I asked, "Right now? My house is a mess." She blew me off by asking me if I was using the turkey... You know the one I had just mentioned, because she listens so well? Because, since John had mentioned that he wanted to get to know yahoo better, she was thinking of having him, his daughter and his grand kids, plus us over for dinner and had thought about using our turkey.

I stood there with my mouth open. John has forgotten to tell me things in the past, but I was pretty sure, positive actually that since I know my husband pretty darned well , and given the fact that we have been dissatisfied with the whole yahoo thing....... That my sweet and loving husband HAD NOT SAID ANYTHING OF THE SORT, and that once again we were being pressured into something we didn't want to do by her twisting our words, or because she is out of her gourd.

So, last night, after putting the kids to bed, and after the MISU got home from being out with some friends, I ask him. Heck no, he never said that he actually wanted to get to know him better, he said"I'd have to get to know him better before that ever happens".

DOH! Then, the icing on the cake? When the yahoos arrived so that the MIL could pick up the chicken, I said, "I would say excuse the mess, but it always looks like this."

He looked me straight in the eye and said in deliberate tones, "I have grand kids that come over to my apartment. They have their own area for toys, but," he leans forward, turning red, sputtering and shaking a bit," I tell them one time. And if they don't pick them up..." He crosses hims arms emphatically, giving me a stern look. A look my MIL didn't see because she was standing in front of the yahoo the whole time they were in my entry way, and never once turned to look at him.

I stood there with my mouth ajar.

Later, after I put the kids to bed I thought to myself- what was that supposed to mean? Was he inferring that I was a bad mother for not making my kids too afraid to leave their toys out? OR, given the fact that all of a sudden, in a span of a week I hear that she mentioned to him about moving in together and MARRIAGE, is he inferring something about how things will go with my kids?

I don't fricking think so. I have been doing so well with not cursing lately... but let me tell you, based on my reaction last night after that little tidbit had time to sink in? I can't even think about cursing for the next 3 weeks. I'm "caught up".

That JACKASS has another thing coming if he and his 2 brain cells think that he will EVER talk to my kids like that. There are no (polite) words to describe how I will handle that situation. Lets just say that I am SURE, with every fiber of my being, that I will be "caught up" for roughly a year.

Let me just say that I believe that the MIL deserves as much happiness as anyone else, but given the fact that she has had a history of picking real losers as husbands.... I see divorce #4 in the horizon?!?

John's dad turned out to be an alcoholic who later before he died, his long time skank of a GF pretty much told us that they were dating before John's parents split up. Hedidn't pay child support at all, and rarely saw his kids.

Her next husband was the one that tried to get John and his brother and sister to hand sickle over an acre of property. John refused to do it and left, ran away right in front of her, and she didn't even try to stop John- who was 15- from leaving. before she married this jerk she asked them what they thought of him, and they all said they didn't like him. She married him anyway. After they got married and 3 days after they moved into a new house ( an old farm house), the house burned to the ground and they lost everything. John believes that he (the jerk) deliberately set the fire for the money. John never moved back home with his mother, and lived with his grandmother. Nice. This is the foundation for their tense relationship.

Idiot #3: 10-12 years younger than her, turned out to be a coke head. Their apartment was broken into without forced entry 3 times and valuables and money that only they knew about was gone. Overtime he supposedly did was unaccounted for on his pay stubs. We all ( including her kids) tried to convince her that since they were ALL unforced entries, and that money that they only knew about was missing from their apartment, that it had to be him... she told us all to but out, including the 2 kids she still had living with her.While John and I were in the Persian Gulf in '90, and the MIL took over our finances while we were gone... 500.00 went missing from my checking account, and she said she knew nothing about it. later, his girl friend showed up and said she was pregnant, that he had indeed been the one breaking into their apartment and stealing valuables and money, and that he had spent it all on coke for the two of them (him and the girl friend). After all of that, she still considered taking him back.

Now, here is the most troubling part: 9 months ago, I had mentioned something about the asshat that hurt me as a kid, and that I would kill if anything like that happened to my girls. She then tells me that her daughter had told her that JERK #3 had sexually assualted her (my MIL didn't go in to specifics, but said that my SIL had said that he "Had tried stuff with her"), but that the MIL refused to believe her own daughter. As if this could possible exonerate her, the MIL said, "I believe her now."

Sooooo, now you know why this is such a big deal to us. When it comes to men, the MIL always seems to put them and her own needs above her children. John and I vow that she isn't going to get the chance to screw our kids up too. They are already destined to be a little messed up, having a neurotic mother.

John said he will talk to her today, since Anna was supposed to sleep over Friday, and tell her that if yahoo is going to be there then Anna isn't coming.

I am worried that given all of the bad choices that she has made in the past with my kids (and her own) that Anna shouldn't be over there at all. I have a sinking suspicion that possibly the MIL will try to make Anna keep secrets about stuff that isn't supposed to happen... just to not hurt the yahoo's feelings. Shoot, I was thinking last night that she may have already told Anna to keep secrets about certain things, because she also has a history of us catching her in lies and trying to cover her ass, after doing something that put our kids in jeopardy.

*When you lay it all out like this, it sounds completely insane to think that we have entrusted our most precious possessions to this woman, ONCE AGAIN. It's insane to think that after 61 years that she can change. I guess despite the fact that John and I are typically hard asses when it comes to protecting our kids, we have just been asses and complete dumb asses to think that she will ever change and that our kids will really truly be safe. She does change how she operates a bit... but I think it's mostly to lull us into a false sense of security, basically so she can get what she wants.

What the hell is wrong with us? I really think it has to do with her being the only grand parent left, since I will have nothing to do with my own mother. Also, like I said before, we just want to hope that people (she) will change, and that our kids can enjoy a NORMAL relationship with their last remaining grand parent. Sadly, it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

I just told John *this a few minutes ago when he dropped Anna off after school. He agrees with me that she really can't watch our kids.

I realize how incredibly stupid I sound right now. Not to worry, bloggin always helps me see things more clearly. I have a feeling someone is still going to call me an idiot, despite explaining myself.

I've been called worse... I can take it.

Oh, Happy Valentine's Day. ;)

Crazy, crazy, crazy!

I wish we could get some consistent weather here! A few days ago the snow was melting, and a few hours later.... BOOM! 5 inches of snow. Yesterday it was a bit warmer and foggy and today we are in the middle of a winter storm once again.

It's a good thing I went grocery shopping last night ;)

On another note- You know what they say about kids socking away tidbits of information and then toss it back at you, kind of like the springy things that come flying out of one of those practical joke jars of nuts.

The other night I was in too much pain- even after 4 days of no yoga yog-ouch, and John was getting Emma ready to go out for errands as I got out of the shower.

She looked right into her daddy's eyes, and with a mischievous twinkle and grin she told him, "You're a sh*t head."

I peeked around the corner into her room, and in a state of quasi amusement- and yet complete horror- I asked, "Uhhhhhh, what did you just say?"

John got up and made his way to the bathroom, "I think she just called me a d*ck head." He paused a moment to glare at me with a raised eyebrow. "Hmmm, I wonder where she got that from," he said in almost a sing song voice.

"Nononono, she said sh*t head," I sputtered as I tried to stem the flow of hysterical laughter that bubbled out of me.

"Oh. Yeah. That's soooo much better."

The next day, John gave the girls a bath since mommy still felt old and achy. John said, "Tonight it's in and out, no playing with toys."

Emma very succinctly voiced her displeasure. "Dammit!"

Yes, you guessed it... I got glared at again. He hen asked me what I was teaching them. I replied that at least she used both curses properly, and after laughing for 3 minutes and composing myself I explained that dammit was a bad word.

I don't know about Emma, but I think John is scarred for life. The moral of the story? It's all fun and games until your (almost) 3 year old remembers something funny mommy called daddy one day, a long time ago.

I know that one day John will use this against me, probably at Emma's wedding. Oh boy, I can't wait.

Have you ever had a friend...

That hurt you so much that you didn't want to talk to them ever again?

I had a friend (who lives 2000 miles away, and that I have been friends with for over 10 years) that had been having marital problems for over 6 years. There have been many, many times that we talked on the phone for hours before and after she started having problems. We have been such good friends that we at times have called each other best friend, and there have been times when we fought and didn't speak for 11 months.

Our relationship was very honest and we could talk about anything. We laughed and cried, we fought, we complained and bitched about our lives and all of that was OK. It was better than OK, she has been as close of a friend as my husband at times.

Over the last year, when her marriage was really in crisis, I had spent hours- willingly because I loved her- on the phone talking about her problems, supporting her decisions, giving advice when she asked. I had spent hours talking and consoling, and at times forgotten to make dinner for my kids (until Anna said she was starving). I spent hours telling my kids "not now I'm on the phone" because my friend lived so far away and was so busy working extra ours to save money for her impending separation, so I talked to her whenever she needed. She was so busy that the only time she ever seemed to call me was when she was driving somewhere.

Then one day, she told me that they had worked things out. Though I still worried about her, I was happy that she was happy and supported her decision because it's her life. Suddenly I was told that she was trying to cut out all the negative people in her life, and I noticed that she usually told me this shortly after I did our usual complaining that we do about things that are annoying us at the time... then she would tell me she was lost and had to get directions, or had another call, and that she would call me back.

And she never did.

This happened once, and though I was hurt, I thought"she is really busy, she'll call me back when she has a chance."

It happened a second time and I said to myself, "That is a weird coincidence. Hmmm, not sure what to think about that."

It happened a third time... so I stopped taking her calls when she finally called me back 3 weeks later.

That was almost 4 months ago, and she stopped calling after I decided not to send her daughter anything for her birthday. I figured she had realized that I was hurt and upset, then got mad that I didn't send her daughter anything. I figured our friendship was pretty much over since she thought I was all of a sudden to negative and she was cutting all of US out of her life.

I told my husband that I had a feeling that she would be calling the next time she needed something. Sure enough, she started calling again.

My problem besides the obvious is that I felt like we have been friends for so many years and the fact that now our friendship arrangement was no longer suitable to her, it was almost like my husband had suddenly told me that he couldn't stand the way I breathe. It hurt me deeply that we have been such close friends over the years that we accepted each others flaws, mourned with each other and even fought like sisters.

And then one day she tells me in so many words that I can't be in her life anymore because what I have offered her over the years (and she had offered back exactly) isn't good enough anymore. I'm too negative suddenly , when I haven't changed the way I have interacted with her as a friend. I'm not good enough.

The problem is that I don't even know if she understands what she has done. Over the years I have overlooked her shortcomings (and I wont list them since I don't know if she reads this blog anymore), and she has over looked mine. Now that her life was back in order and her husband wanted her again, I was no longer needed. It hurt me so much that I couldn't even talk to her about it.

But why talk to someone who obviously doesn't like or even love you anymore? Why waste my energy on someone who obviously feels like I'm inadequate, why put myself through that anymore?

Now, she is calling me again, just like I thought she would. Her husband has changed his mind and is wanting a divorce again, and now since I don't answer her calls- she sending me emails. She is telling people finally that they are separating, when before I was only one of 3 people that knew that her marriage was on the rocks. It's final now and she is sending out emails saying she is going to focus on herself and travel to see friends out of state.

Though I feel bad for her on a basic level, I have been so hurt that anger isn't even an issue anymore,I just don't care.

I feel like she dumped me and now that her dance card is empty, she wants me back to fill the void for her. On some level, I still love her as a friend and though we worked hard to over come our past arguments, I feel as though she attacked my character and told me I wasn't good enough.

If you know me even a little, I am a bit of a dork in so many ways, including social situations. I tend to lash out at people I don't very well if they anger me. The people that I know well and love... if they hurt me I tend to recede and become a hermit. I duck and cover. I know this has a lot to do with my childhood and not being able to have friends, to go out and socialize like a normal teen because I was pretty much locked up at home.

That's why I love blogging. I can socialize and met people, and in a way it's safer that way, but very sad.

I often think and wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot seem to make decent friends in real life, and ask my husband, "Isn't the common denominator me? Either I am attracting the wrong kind of friend because I put out a vibe that people can treat me like crap, or I am socially inept." I often ask my husband, "Am I over reacting?" and he will answer me honestly, and most of the time he will tell me no, that I am not overreacting.

Sometimes he does. And I get pissed. LOL! But I know he is right. Never once during all of this has he told me that I am overreacting.

Anyway, I sound like my friend. We are separating and I am boohooing to you guys. The only difference is that I am neglecting you guys because of NaNoWriMo. :)

BTW, please don't take it personally, I assure you that once I finish this stupid first draft that I will be back laughing with you, heckling you, and just generally being "all up in your business". I haven't visited but a few blogs because writers block is so depressing that even writing comments is mentally crippling. Sad? YES! Self inflicted? Absolutely. Lame? Probably.

Forgive me? Please?

Thanks for listening to me whine about the person who I used to consider my best friend... I feel bad for her , I really do. I just don't know if I am willing to let her kick me in the

Whaaaaaaaaa!

I am stuck. The writer's (cinder) block has come crashing down on my....

I. Can't. Think. Of .The. Word.

Oh yes, my husband just helped me... that would be skull!

---------------------------> Not the word count number of doom. I'm only 1845 words behind.

or if i were typing that in my book, I might consider writing it as "I have written nine thousand eight hundred and twenty-four words, and yet to make today's quota, I still need to write another one thousand eight hundred and forty-five."- just to boost my word count. I have been writing honorably without resorting to dirty tricks, but the dirty tricks are starting to sound like a good idea. You know, in the way that buying that microwave bacon fryer/ sweater drying rack combo sounds like it's a good idea at 3 am.

I am currently at the "I suck, my plot sucks, this is a load of sucking crap and I think I'll just quit" stage.

I must call my technical adviser, he's in the other room playing XBOX 360. I'm sorry I haven't visited yet this week, staring at a blank Word Document is keeping me busy. :(

Self-inflicted misery, it's the worst.

Oh yeah, more important things going on in the world...

What tha?

Where did she... how did she learn how to do this? Emma... sneaky little booger! *A-nna!* (said ala Jerry Seinfeld "New-man!")


"Oh good , honey... you did great! You ate half of your sandwich, good job buddy!" *wonders to self how she ate that quickly, but ooooo-k, she must have been hungry*






*As I go to put the rest of her lunch in a baggie, I found the turkey and provolone the little stinker had meticulously placed under the other part of her sandwich* "Ohhhhh, you're good kid... you're good!"

Two years old and already hiding food. the force is strong with this one.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Recent Emma-isms and their translations:

"Keep yo pans on!" - Keep your pants on!, she said to me when I told her to stop making a mess at the dinner table

"I did no!" - I said no

"Do till la me, momma?" - You still love me , momma?, out of the blue during lunch :D Haha, I guess it never hurts to ask, especially after telling your mom to keep her pants on.

" Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" - *sigh* Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?, at snack time

"Do tink tha's bunny?" - You think that's funny? , she said to Anna who was smirking at her after Emma yelled at her for something. Anna starting laughing and giggling, and while pointing at moi she yelled, "She got that FROM YOU!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Anna-ism, while we are eating at the Pizza Ranch... which is a pizza place that is decorated all in Western things like lanterns and horseshoes:

"Mom, I think because this place is decorated in old cowboy stuff we don't have to worry about talking with our mouths full."

Here is another hard lesson learned... be very careful what you say around your kids. One little slip up, one bad word...

One day I was calling a member of John's family a jerk- but used a different word. Yup a baaaaad one.

Anna said, "Oooooh, mom said a bad word! She said A-$-$-H-@-L-E!"

John stopped dead in his tracks, but neither of us could help but try to hide our laughter after about a second of shock.

I told John at least she spelled it right. I wasn't going to share this, but you guys already know that there isn't much I won't share... even if it makes me look REALLY bad.

I know, I'm a horrible parent. I get it. ;)

Send complaints to:

Mary Mert
1/2 Potty Mouth Way
Bad Parent Land, IA 98765

Bad mommy, Things Not To Teach Your Kids, and boogies.

Yesterday they opened a brand spanking new (and one and only) Arby's here in town. We braved the unknown and went to dinner with the MIL. Anna is not a person who handles the unknown or change well and became teary when I tried to explain the menu choices for kids.

Choking back tears she settled on a ham and cheese kids meal. The MIL offered to pay for Anna's since Anna was going to spend the night, so I told the MIL what she wanted.

"I DON'T want just ham and cheese," she blurted while sniffling back droplets, droplets that threatened to turn into a full blown thunderstorm any minute... So I bent down and rubbed her back and asked her softly what else she would like. She just crossed her arms and glared at me. I asked a few more times, nothing. Before both of us had an out of body experience due to extreme frustration ( because in my minds eye I could totally see the both of us floating up near the ceiling, still about to smack the crap out of each other) ;) , I offered suggestions as to what else could possibly make her dining experience AND sandwich so much better.

"Do you want lettuce and mayonnaise?" I asked, still rubbing her back, trying to remain calm and even toned to avoid further out bursts, because deep down I knew she was angry for taking her someplace where she would actually have to make a decision, the process taking more than just a few seconds. It was all our fault, you see- thus the glares and tears.

She nodded, her shoulders relaxing a fraction, and a hint of forgiveness passed between us as we looked at each other. She rubbed her nose.

"We don't know what you want unless you tell us, honey."

Oh crud. One step forward, two steps back. We are back to glares. Dang, now she is thinking I am trying to make her feel stupid. This kid is only 6... God help me.

"Well, I'm just saying. All this fuss over something simple. Just tell us what you want. No problems, OK?"

I don't wait for the answer and I find 2 tables for all of us to sit. Mere minutes later, and mere minutes away from the One Who Dares To Anger Her, Anna is feeling better and sits across from her nana. A few minutes after that, she is feeling elated and decides that she can resume the usual stuff like calling her mom a dufus.

"Mom, you are a D-O-O-F-I-S."

"Anna , you are a B-U-T-T H-E-A-D."

"A what?"

"Beee-Uuuuu-T-T..."

"Butt head?" she asks, with a comical mixture of disbelief, curiosity and amusement on her face

"Yeah, but I mean that in the nicest way possible, " I say matter of fact , but with a smile on my face. We all laugh.

Except the butt Anna.

"Yeah, well... you're a dufus. And I mean that in the nicest way possible." Again, we laugh. Me not so much.

Oh God. What have I done. My MIL laughs because I am turning red. Fantastic. I suck at this thing called parenting. I only hope that they can learn to function on a low rumble of sarcasm- instead of the full on roar that I seem to be teaching them.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Oh, but wait- there's more!

Tonight my plans of giving my youngest a healthy dose of tryptophans backfired on me. Heed my warning, people! Unlike what you would think, a grumpy and tired toddler plus a bed time snack of milk and bananas does not. a sleepy child. make.

The beagle across the street barks. "What dat?" A dog, I answer.

Lather , rinse, repeat. 242 times. Meanwhile in between, we have established that yes she is cold, yes the fan is too windy, and yes she wants a blanket. I get up and close a few windows and turn off the ceiling fan

Enough, I say- go to sleep.

Oh God, here it comes. NO! Not the silent cry face, which eventually leads to the full on , ear piercing siren blast of a cry- Yup, there it is.

After about a minute, "I wan tee-chooooooooo..."

No- I say- You're fine. I'm not getting up again. We argue for a few minutes about whether or not she needs a tissue, and at this point she probably does - but I refuse to give in. She wipes her nose on her pillow case. I cover her up with her blanket.

"No wan babake (blanket)!" she kicks it off.

Fine- I say_ don't use the blanket.

"I wan babake."

Ok, I offer her the blanket.

"No wan babake!" Repeat again, about 6 or 7 times.

Forget it -I say- if you want an blanket, get it yourself. I'm not doing this "I wan- NO wan" stuff all night, I love you- GOOD night.

I bet you can't guess what came next. Uhhuh. Oh yeah. Crying fit #2.

"I wan tee-chooooooooo..." again with the tissues. For about 5 minutes.

She starts to settle. I ask her if she wants her new Blue's Clues puppy her nana bought for her today. She utters a whine, which I take to be as a "yes". My mistake.

"No wan Booze Doos!" she chucks it at me.

Fine- I say as I chuck it over my shoulder, and into the the dark and murky waters of the green carpeting that is just beyond the raft of her mattresses that are in the corner of the room- No Blue's Clues.

Begin shrieking episode #3. When will I learn? We argue back and forth over the possibility of me rescuing Booze Doos. I stand my ground.

Her crying begins to dwindle, and she turns toward the wall (which is usually a sign that she is tired of terrorizing us and wants to sleep)... I look over my shoulder to peek at her. Her keen powers of perception sense the ever so subtle change in mattress terrain, and she turns to look at me while inserting- AND TWISTING- her second digit up to the first knuckle, in to her precious little nose.

AH! Success! She smiles triumphantly, all the while wielding her prized possession- her Precious, if you will- in the air. I reach over and take it from her before her evil plans to ingest her Precious are realized.

Forsooth, wailing installment #4 did ensue.

"Are you kidding me?" I yell, beyond exasperation... "Your mad because I took away your booger?"

At this point I didn't have the energy to be angry anymore, just incredulous. Which gave way to giggling... which made her more angry.

Some people.

They just never learn.

Great Kitchen Disasters In Dork History- or When bacon and grilling collide

Have you ever had one of those moments that turned out to be not as brilliant as you thought?

I have those a lot. If you didn't know already, I can be a dork sometimes.

I wrote this on a forum a long time ago, and I never saved it because I'm an idiot... so I am going to try to reconstruct it from memory. I have been wanting to post it for a long time, and after seeing this post at Dork Bloggers, I just knew I had to share my story. It's only a month late
When Bacon And Grilling Collide

One day while pregnant with my second... I had an overwhelming craving for a BLT. I suddenly had a brilliant idea! Why not grill the bacon and avoid all the grease splattered mess! I'd like to blame it on pregnancy brain, but you guys already know I am a dork. Here is what I learned from that little debacle, this post is based on actual events...

1. Bacon, being 99.9376 % fat, can and will burn long after you turn the gas off- causing a lovely and glorious grease fire.
2. The glorious bacon grease fire will eventually turn into an embarrassing plume of black smoke, no matter how hard you try to hide it after closing the grill lid.

3. Having the phone near by in case you need to call the fire department is always handy.

4. Make sure to have some baking soda or flour handy, too in the event that your bacon grease fire continues to rage on, despite closing the lid of your grill.

5. Flinging charred and smoking bacon on to your grass will scorch your lawn.

6. Sacrificing your dignity to scrounge for edible bacon on your own grass is OK, just make sure the neighbors aren't watching.

7. Mayonnaise will expire in direct proportion to the intensity of your craving for a BLT.

8. Making sure you actually have lettuce for a BLT is always a good thing.

9. A working toaster is never missed. That is until you decide you need one, in which case you will remember that you no longer have one since the last one is sitting at the bottom of your trash can.

10. (Semi scorched)B(minus the L)T's on dry bread... not as tasty as one would think.

11. Sometimes it's just better to quit while you are ahead, no matter how bad you want pork products. Chances are a bad situation will only get worse.

12. Telling your mate that the mother of his unborn child singed the hair off of one arm while trying to light the grill, narrowly avoided calling the fire department, scorched the lawn, and probably ruined the grill with flour is probably not a good idea. This will only give him more funny family gathering stories, ammunition in the the unfortunate event of divorce, and possible reasons to pull your life support later in life... because you showed signs of brain damage waaaaaay before your untimely coma.

What are your dorky kitchen disasters? Care to share? Speaking of food... do you like food, like eating food, talking about food, dreaming about food? If you do, head over to hello!Food and join in the chitchat about your favorite foods and indulgences.

This year, as every year, I resolve...

To not make any resolutions. There , I said it. I mean really- why set myself up for failure? You are probably wondering why I have such a pessimistic point of view. I prefer to think of it as being realistic. I know, I know... isn't changing my thoughts, behaviors and beliefs the point of this blog?

I would rather set goals for myself (in the privacy of my own brain), than lay it all out there and probably embarrass myself when my grand schemes disintegrate, possibly even explode in my face- just as the bell tolls for the next New Year. I might even write it down on paper, setting a goal date, and at the very most share my ambitions with the Male Income Support Unit, but that's a stretch.

Now that we have that out of the way, New Year's day was nothing out of the ordinary for my family. We had 2 sick, cranky and just plain mean kids on our hands, making us sarcastic and unusually jaded about parenthood.

That being said, I about to admit something potentially humiliating. Please don't take *anything you are about to read out of context. As I said, my children were in particularly vicious moods yesterday, causing the sarcasm in us to bubble forth- mostly for sanity's sake.

Case in point: Emma and Anna had already started off the day with shouting, tug of wars, scratching, hissing and screeching- which continued through lunch (which were followed by parental shouting, threats, and jaw clenching):

Anna: Give me my dirty tissue back! NOW!

Emma: NO! Miiiiiiine! *as she runs away*

Anna: Now, Emma!

Emma: No! I need dat!

Now, replace dirty tissue with: barf bowl, bracelet, toy kitty, pillow, blanket, spot on couch, drink, sanity... You get the picture. In between scratching and hissing, there came periodic pleas/demands from the other side of the safety gate, while John worked on his computer and I worked on Anna's "Princess Chores" Chart (which later I realized is ironic because princesses don't have chores, but I will keep that tidbit to myself).

1.Anna:
a.Owwwwww-ow-ow, my nose hurts.
b.I can't stop coughing. (shortly after refusing cough medicine)
c.I'm cold. Can you turn up the heat? (but refuses to go put sweats or robe on)
d.I will only eat lunch if you let me wrap a blanket around myself while I sit at the table. (followed by our refusals, and threats to eat her lunch)
e.*sitting at the table, sans sweats, robe and blanket* I will only eat if you let me use a blanket!

2.Emma:
a.I wan mulk (milk), now.
b.I wan hnack (snack), now.
c.I wan momma, now. I wan dada, now.


Now I will give you our responses *read as sarcastic mutterings under our breath, causing each other to giggle like 6 year olds*

1.
a. Maybe if you wold actually blow it instead of dabbing at it every 2 seconds, it wouldn't hurt.
b. Too bad for you.
c. Put some clothes on! *mutter* ya freak.
d. Mmm, these chicken nuggets taste good.
e. Not gonna happen

As a bonus, here is Emma's response to e:
Eat!*pointing at Anna's plate*
While John chides Emma, he tells her, "Emma, no, no. That's my job, and mommy's job."
To which Emma says, "An ME!"
Meanwhile mommy makes no effort to disguise that fact that she is laughing so hard she is about to fall off the chair.

2.
a.Say please.*mutter* ya freak.
b.smack?
c.*John mumbles as he makes his way to the kitchen* I want you to kiss my butt.

Emma's response to 2c (which by the way is surprising since John said it so low, I barely heard it):
No butt *kissing noise*. No butt diss.

Again, my response was to collapse into a shuddering, gasping heap on the floor.

I think John and I are both perfect candidates for Christian Parent's of the Year.

All in all, a promising glimpse of what the new year will bring. :O)


*No children were harmed in the making of this post, and no permanent or long term emotional scarring is evident at this time.

My husband thinks I am a wiener. I think.

OK, this is a little more TMI than usual... I hope your sitting down.

This last Wednesday (man, it seems like a week has gone by already) , the wound on my hip split open. My doctor took my stitches out the Wednesday (on the 13th) before and said he thought there was fluid in it and to not be surprised if it did open up. So I immediately called and made an appointment. He cleaned it out, packed it with gauze and told me to come back next Wednesday, on the 27th.

Well, yippee skippy... Last night after grocery shopping for Christmas dinner, I noticed that the smaller incision was starting to come loose to. So naturally, last night I about had a nervous break down.

I was a Licensed Vocational (or Practical) Nurse for 11 years. I know what a wound looks like, and what an incision should look like over 2 weeks postoperative. I know that wounds can open. I often assisted with minor procedures like the ones I had as a Corpsman (medic) in the Navy, and I helped close wounds on occasion when the doctor decided to let us have some suturing practice (suturing is something you need to be able to do in the field). I guess the fact that I started bawling like a 2 year old might have taken my husband by surprise seen as I have all this medical experience.

My problem is that I am a control freak by design, not so much over people but more over circumstance. I have this need for control, and I know it has everything to do with my childhood...so the fact that I have not one, but two gaping wounds on my person is a bit of a problem for me. Sobbing last night I told my husband that he knows how I am, and he nodded, and then I said , "You've seen how I get if there are ants in the house! But at least you can kill ants, what am I supposed to do about this?"

Nothing. There isn't a thing I can do. I did what I could do, which was make an appointment this morning. When I took the packing out this morning the wound on my hip didn't look normal, so it was a good thing I made an appointment. I went in, he cleaned out both wounds- paying particular attention to the larger one on my hip. I told him my concerns. I could see a light bulb went off in his head, he now realized why I seemed so uptight. He realized that I have the Burden Of Knowledge.

He remarked that I looked run down. He also said that it is unusual for wounds to open like that, and I said that I knew, that was why I was so worried. I told him that I have had 2 sick kids off and on for the last 3 months, that I believed my immune system was compromised, and that yes- I did feel run down. I have been very tired lately. He agreed that the stress of sick kids, and the perpetual germ fest was to blame for my poor healing, and that Christmas coming up probably didn't help. My doctor then did his best to assure me that even though it would take at least 3 weeks for my wounds to close, not to worry.

Now, I am doing something that is very hard for me... giving up control. I have to take a breath and realize I need to stop freaking out! It's just so hard being on the other side of the hospital bed. I have done hundreds of dressing changes in my life, I never thought it would be me. I have seen about everything there is to see in medicine... OK maybe not that much, but I have seen a lot. Even though I prided myself on being a very compassionate nurse, and really listening to my patient... this brings things to a whole new light.

I am wondering if this is another life lesson I needed, maybe I am supposed to be a nurse after all.

It's food for thought.

Speaking of food, I am giving up control over Christmas dinner, too. My husband and I aren't big turkey people, and Thanksgiving is more than enough for us once a year, let alone a month later. I was going to make us chicken enchiladas, but now I know I need to take it easy. Standing on my feet all day making dinner on Christmas isn't a good idea, so I called the MIL. I have relinquished my control and guess what she has decided to make?

You guessed it, turkey.

Heartwarming holiday memories

I about spit my French Roast all over myself when I heard this story the other day on Regis and Kelly. I feel so bad for that woman, but I am happy that they at least didn't publish her name. How humiliating! If you are offended at the mere mention of bodily functions, stop reading right about here.

I'm not kidding... it's not too late to turn back!


OK, you asked for it...

It reminds me of a vacation, a long time ago... My husband and I decided at the last minute to travel to Maryland to see my mother for Christmas. I have this thing, this idiosyncrasy where I dislike using public toilets for- how should I say... pooping. As quoted from Thursday Thirteen #2, 13 things that annoy me:

13. The dreaded "back splash" while using public toilets. Who knows who used the potty before you... I just want to hose myself off with hand sanitizer!

So, this would make feeling light and fluffy while on vacation almost impossible, unless confined to the safety of my childhood bathroom. After almost 2 weeks of the the "train reluctantly leaving the station", we were on the first flight from Baltimore to Chicago, returning to Oakland, California.

We were on a large plane, and our seats were 2 rows ahead of a plane partition so that the row behind us was right smack dab, next to the partition- preventing them from being able to recline. Though this may seem like a trivial detail, you will understand it's importance later on. :O)

Anyway, I already had had a bit of a stomach ache, and only moments after take off I was riddled with perspiration-inducing cramps. Lucky me, perfect timing as per usual. I tossed and turned in my seat about as much as a person can sitting in a 2x3 foot area. Nearly doubled over, I gasped and groaned as little and as quietly as I could, my husband looking over occasionally with concern.

Finally, the agony was too much to bear. Ever so gently I lifted a cheek, and silently shared what I can assure you was one of the most vile and embarrassing moments of my life with about 20 people around me.

I waited. With clenched teeth, sitting stiff as a board, but relieved- I waited. Moments later, the row behind me burst into shouting and muttering.

"Oh my god, that's disgusting!"
"Oh, that's just horrible!"
" I think I am going to die!"

I pride myself on being quick thinking at least half of the time, and knowing that everyone around me was gasping for air and I wasn't made me realize very quickly that if I didn't chime in, they would know it was me. So I joined in the shouting and exasperated mutterings (fighting back nervous laughter the whole while), "Oh my god, that's awful! Who would do such a thing?"

After the angry mob behind me settled down, my husband turned to me and said it had smelled like someone had died from food poisoning, and again I stifled the nervous laughter. Just barely. I broke out into a sweat again.

***On a side note, I have a penchant for giggling at bodily functions. It is an unfortunate fact and character flaw, one that I am not proud of. This is a close second to laughing at people tripping or falling on stairs... and just typing this has given me a giggle fit. It can't be helped. I suppose you are wondering why I am admitting this, but I figure I have just shared an embarrassing story that never fails to haunt me this time of year (mostly because my husband enjoys watching me squirm when he shares the story every other year).***

As we left the plane, the people behind me mumbled to each other that this indeed had been the worst flight ever, and that accepting seats right in front of the partition for a reduced price was not a mistake they were about to make any time soon. I felt relief once more, but only after finally leaving the boarding area and heading to our next flight.

Just as we were out of ear shot from the other passengers of our flight, my darling husband turned to me and asked a single, solitary "not so much of a question but more of a declaration" question.


"That was you, wasn't it."

In my defense, I would never resort to lighting a match, nor the casual flick of a lighter while on an airplane. That would be stupid.


Then they would know it was me. :O)

An Apology

It seems that I may have once again stuck my blogging foot in my blogging mouth. Yes, believe it or not , I have yet again stepped in it.

I want to say sorry to any of my readers whom I may have offended recently. If you read my Thankful post, you know that recently my spirits were down a bit. In my blithering idiot-ness, I switched my blog to "only people I choose" instead of "blog authors", not really paying attention to or caring if there was a difference. I wanted to get my head together, and thought that until I had decided whether or not my blog would bite the dust, I would leave it unreadable.

One of my new readers Bond brought it to my attention that the message on my blog appeared as if I was blocking certain people, and this is what I emailed him:

I was thinking for a bit that I might quit blogging, the post before the last one was a bummer. I am feeling better now. During that week, I had my permissions changed from public to "only people I chose", no one was actually on that list. I knew if I checked that option, everyone would be blocked from reading it while (during my funk) I decided what the heck I was doing. It was nothing personal, I assure you!

I thought about it tonight and realized that a some of my readers and friends might have gotten their feelings hurt. I am really sorry, and that was not my intent at all.

Please send complaints, snarky comments about (my chins and grins in) my new avatar, and thorough tongue lashings to my email address. :D So, I officially remove my foot from my mouth, or at least for the time being. This blog will live to see another day, and I will continue to bore you with the tedium, and the circus that is me.:O)

Thankful

I have been a little burned out with the whole blogging thing, I honestly don't feel like I have anything that is too terribly interesting to say. Maybe I am a little depressed, with the past recently rearing it's ugly head...

I sit, type, then delete. Maybe my life isn't that interesting. Maybe I have nothing to contribute. Maybe all my natural resources are gone, my oil has run dry. Maybe my blog has had a short but sweet life and it is time for me to move on. I don't know... Maybe it's the holidays getting me down. Again.

After I wrote the first few lines, I decide to make the title of this post Thankful. I am going to get myself out of this funk and write about the things I am thankful for, I thought to myself.

I am thankful for my Husband, I honestly don't know where I would be without him in my life. He loves me so much... I know I annoy the crap out of him sometimes, but I haven't been served any papers yet, and the fact that he is still here despite all of the stuff... Well, I am so lucky. I am thankful that we can still make each other laugh, and that he still finds me attractive. :O) The fact that he loves me for me is a wonderful thing.He is my kindred spirit, and I love him for it.

There were so many days before we became pregnant with Anna, when I didn't even want to get out of bed. Not being able to have kids for the first 11 years of our marriage was really hard. I am surprised that we made it. We definitely had our rough patches and almost called it quits a few times, not so much because we didn't have kids but because we were self centered and immature. God must have known that weren't ready. Having children has helped us (and forced us, LOL) to love each other so much more. We were definitely missing something in our lives and marriage, we both wanted kids.

I am thankful for my daughters. I am so happy that God saw that we needed them. Again, I don't where we would be without them, they bring so many things to this family, I don't know where to begin! They are both funny, can be sweet, can be giving, are mostly feisty and unabashedly stubborn. All of those things make us laugh, some of them make us very annoyed, but we wouldn't have it any other way. That's our girls, Anna and her Mini Me, Emma. I am so grateful to have them in my life, and they have brought me so much joy, and have helped me to want to be a better person.

I am thankful for my brother Ben. We don't talk everyday, or week but we know that we are going to pick up right where we left off, which is usually laughing so hard we are crying. My brother accepts me for who I am and vice versa, and I love him more than anything. It doesn't matter where we are, or what we are doing we both know that we will drop everything just to talk. He is kindred spirit #2.

I am sooo thankful for my friend Effie. We are so much a like, and have fought like sisters at times. Man have we made each other steaming mad! We have had some doozies! It doesn't matter though, we always gravitate back to one another. We can go for months without talking and like my brother, pick up right where we left off. She is my third kindred spirit.

I am thankful that despite all the bad things that have happened to me, that I am still here.

I am thankful that I am still learning, that I am willing (and trying) to change.

I am thankful for the my blog and the opportunities it has given me to meet new people, express myself, and to challenge myself.

I am thankful for everything I have, and what God has blessed me with. I am grateful that He thinks I am worth it, and despite a spiritual dry spell that He is still with me.

I don't know how much longer I will be able to blog, but at least I had my say. My thankfulness is out there, and that's good enough for me.