ha. ha. ha. *Emma-isms*

Today, just a few minutes ago:

Emma- Mom, run with me! *She shouts as she dashes off towards the kitchen*

Me- Nope, not going to run.

Emma- Why, you too many year old or sumpin? *blink-blink*

Me- Umm... why yes, thank you for noticing. Thank you so very much.


Yesterday:

John- Ummmm... what 'cha got there Em?

Emma- BOOBS!

I don't know what is more wrong... the fact that I posted this, or the fact that we all found this hilarious. First date fodder, folks. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'm raising heathens!

Last night while we were out celebrating me finishing NaNoWriMo, we started a very deep conversation, a conversation all parents eventually have with their kids.

We talked about some of the possible names for expelling methane. I know! It makes a momma proud!

Here are some the ones we came up with, most of them are pretty obvious:

Fart
Poot
Drop a bomb
Cut the cheese
Rip one/it

Me- Your grandpa liked to say purtsy.

Emma- Who, daddy?

John- No my daddy, your grandpa.

Me- He's in heaven, with Jesus.

Emma- Cheesus? I don't know any Cheesus.

Me- That's very unfortunate.

I always told myself that I would make sure my kids new the true meaning of Christmas*. Looks like we're going to have to cram. ;)

Things I learned since yetserday, Emma-isms

At night we like to play this game I invented called "I love you more than...". Basically think of all my favorite things and tell my kids I love them so much that I love them more than that.

Me: Emma, I love you more chocolate.

Emma: Yeah!


Me: Emma, I love you more books.

Emma: Ummmhmm!


Me: Emma, I love you more teddy bears.

Emma:Yup!



Emma decides to give it a go:Momma, I love du mo' dan chawk-lit!

Me: Really? Yesss!

Emma:I love du mo' dan pea-budder san-nitches!

Me: Alright!

Emma:I love du mo' dan duh sun!

Me: Cool!

Emma: I love du mo' dan flowahs!

Me: Wooo-hoo!

Emma: I love du mo' dan trash. <------------ So very good to know.


I Also learned that Piglet isn't "a little teeny baby" like I suggested, he's a "little teeny tiny PIG". And he smells like sweet poh-tay-tohs. "Sweet Poh-Tay-toh Pie" to be exact. Also, very good to know.

A few minutes later-

Emma: Momma, my bell-lee hutz.

Me: Maybe you need to poot.

Emma: MAYBE I don't wanna poot.

Me: OK, don't poot then. But it might make your belly feel better.

Emma: *A short and very baritone-ish POOT*

Me: *SNORT*

Emma: You laughin' at me, momma?

Me: Uh *LOL* ... yeah...

Emma: Quit laughin' at me!

Me: ROFL!

Emma: IT NOT FUNNY ANYMO'!

Me: *which makes me ROFL LMAO that much harder*

Emma: Quit laughin', IT NOT FUNNY ANYMO'!

...Lather, rinse, repeat.

Which made me realize this,... Six months ago, farting while sitting on her parents lap- hilarious. Now, not so much. Which is all based on my own scientific research (click to enlarge):

Crabby Emma-isms

Last night we were out getting something to eat a little later than usual and the girls both got Scooby Doo toys with their meals. The fact that we were waiting for daddy to come home to eat coupled with the fact that daddy forgot to call and tell mommy that he would be coming home late led to a very grumpy and hungry 2 1/2 year , despite a snack or two- so there as a bit of yelling and screaming before we even left home. Ok, not just a bit but a LOT.

While eating dinner, we were having a discussion about Emma's behavior since she deemed it necessary to show us that she is indeed an individual with needs and opinions... by refusing to eat the "cheese boogah" she had requested for dinner, focusing all of her attention and appetite on the yogurt and granola. Emma yelled and screamed after I told her she needed to eat some of her burger before she got anymore yogurt (the kid is so bony, she needs all the protein I can force her to eat) and I told her if she didn't stop, she and I would go and sit in the car while Anna and daddy finished their dinner.

When Emma stopped yelling and said"Finally! Sheesh!". I told Anna to shoosh (while Em started crying again, now complaining about her hand-me-down shoes not fitting), that she screamed and complained just as much as Emma did. Emma stopped crying for a moment to interject, 'I complain too-oo-oo!"

To which I replied, "Really?" with a healthy eye roll.



As we were headed to a store to return some things Emma said, "Daddy, I have a qes-chun, daddy." John asked her what her question was, and she asked, "Does dis thingy open, daddy? I wan' take the little ball-ies out."

No, I said, it doesn't open.

"I was talkin' to daddy, nah you momma." I snorted then clamped my lips together and thought to myself that that is what I get for butting in, all while trying not to laugh. ;) Emma persisted. "Does dis thing open, daddy?"

No, John said after chuckling, it doesn't open.

"Fine, I'll ask Anna then."

Though we are in the dreaded "if you don't give me the answer I want I'll ask someone else/ crying and screaming about minute details because I want to exert a little independence " phase, at least she realizes she has options, right?

Hide the credit cards!

*** Scroll down for Wordless Wednesday!***

Emma when she got up yesterday morning: I think you gonna hafta buy me a pwesent.

Me: Oh really... I'm gonna hafta buy you a present, huh?

Emma *smiles sweetly*: Ummmhmmm, on da compooter.


My kid, online clearance shopper in the making... heaven help us.

Oh yeah? Anna and Emma-isms

***Scroll down for Wordless Wednesday***

Like my new header? I made it yesterday, from scratch in Photoshop.... Squeeee! Can you tell I am ready for fall? Oh, back on topic. :)

Lately, Emma has taken to saying "Oh yeeeeeahhhhhh" when she puts her sunglasses on in the car, like she is feeling super fine and hecka cool. What a character. We have no idea where she got this from.

Also, when Anna feels as though we are teasing her- which lately involves us singing High School Musical 2, not so much because we are teasing... you can't help but utter and mimic the sounds you are being brainwashed with 2 times a week can you? Yes, John and I do tend to burst into song at inappropriate moments, much like a musical. ;)

Anywho, Anna has started saying to us at such times (almost always with a raised eyebrow, sometimes a crooked smile),"Don't make me..."- as in "Don't make me hurt you."

That she gets from me.

Emma has gotten a little more shy recently, and has taken to repeating this phrase when she too feels embarrassed by the actions of her parents:

Emma, I love you. :)

Don't make me.

Yesterday, Anna enjoyed a not so relaxing round of The Sims 2. The game has little rules and regulations such as only being able to place dishwashers under regular counters and not the bar height kind, or not being able to delete an object that a Sim is currently using or is about to use. Anna became quite frustrated with the counter situation, and asked me over to help. On a side note, we rarely play The Sims 2 together anymore because we usually fight about decorating the houses and what a Sim should look loike when creating a Sim.

So, yesterday I put my blog header making on pause and got up to help her. Betcha can't guess what happened next? Ah- yeeeah. Because she had a hard time trying to explain exactly what she needed and wanted, she became very frustrated. To the point of tears.

"Ya know, this is why we don't play anymore. Figure out what you want... then let me know. I'll be over here."

Anna starts doing what annoys me the most... regularly irregular and high pitched "Harrrumphing". Accompanied by arm crossing and glaring in my general direction, with the occasional eye or nose rub.

"It's not my fault you are having problems with the game, I didn't make the game and all of it's funny little rules... so don't get mad at me. It's not my fault."

1.34 seconds go by and she has this to say, "YES it IS your fault! You're the ONE who DECIDED to buy the GAME!"

I couldn't help but laugh, which didn't help the situation at all. "That's like saying that it's my fault that you are acting this way because I'm the one that made and gave birth to you."

No comment, she just gives me the raised eyebrow, through the part her in hair that hangs over her face.

She has a point.

Ack, we are so screwed. I told my sis while visiting that I believe that when the girls start puberty I'll be hiding Prozac in their mashed potatoes. Or mine.

(Or maybe in a balled up piece of cheese or bread?)

'Taters, anyone?

HaHa, very funny, kid.

Me a few minutes ago: Emma it's time for a nap.

Emma: *insert whining here* Awww-wah-awwww... I NOT take A NAP!

Me: Dude, don't even start with me ... you know you take a nap EVERY DAY. It's time for a nap.

Emma: For you?

Me: Ahhhhh, NOooo... It's nap time for YOU.

Emma: *obviously ignoring me* You tired momma? You take a nap now?

Me: *yes- I think to myself- I am tired and could use a nap* Ha Ha. Very funny, kid.

We interrupt regular programming for a word from our sponsor: Sarcasm

The MISU treated us to some Pizza Hut last night so that we could all get our grease fix for the week. You know you have a problem when your toddler sucks on a french fry until it's nothing but a salt-less blob of starch. Then discards it for another. We are trying to eat better... but baby steps people.

But I digress. On the way to Pizza Hut, we engaged in light hearted banter as we are wont to do when seconds from quenching our "grease lust".

Anna: I was thinking that maybe we could-

Emma: Not gonna happen.

Anna: Emma! I was still talking!

Emma: Get oh-ber it.

I try to hide my amusement by doing the "I'm pressing my lips together to [attempt to] hide the fact that I am laughing on the inside" face.

MISU, wearing an accusatory yet wry smile, while looking at his beloved (that would be me): Thank you. Thank you SO much for that.


Oh, yeah. Sarcasm IS our regular programming. Silly me. ;)

Oh, reeeealllly?

So today I was being tortured at the dentist's office and before she got her meat hooks on me (literally and figuratively), I hear this song playing just as I was reclining in the masochistic chair of doom:



I mentioned this to Doctor Demento, and we all had a good laugh over it, including the hygienist. I laughed hysterically. You know the kind of laugh where your voice cracks and everyone feels uncomfortable after? Yeah. Like that.


Also today I was unfortunate enough to have a Wooden Handled Knife impale itself in my right ring finger, at the tip. It was lying in wait at the bottom of the murky Waters of Dish. Be very careful, those little somma guns will jump up and getcha. The hotter the water the better, since the hot water increase circulation in the Wooden Handled Knives' main source of nutrition... the digits.

So take my advice, wait until the dish water is luke warm before braving those dreary waters... kick your heels up and enjoy a book or something. Shoot, put the dishes off until tomorrow. That was my first instinct.

I should have listened.

The bright spot in all of this is that my 2 year old heard me yelp and came running, she asked me what happened as I held my hand up while bundling it in some paper towels.

"You got a booboo, momma?"

"Yeah, honey. I hurt myself, I cut my finger on a knife."

"Well, don't do that THEN."

"Thanks Emma, that a big help."

Who couldn't use a little sparkle, right?

One of my all-time favorite bloggers has a new review site called An Island Review, in which she reports and links to contests, give aways and freebies. I think this is an excellent idea... Local Girl is providing a service to all of us bloggers who can't resist those sort of things :D

Local Girl is having a drawing for these:

My first reaction was "Oooh La La!", my second was to drool, and my 3rd? I entered the drawing of course!

Quoted from An Island Review-
How to Enter:

1. Mention this contest on your blog with a link back to this post.
2. Leave a comment below as to why you think you should win the bling.
   
3. A random winner will be selected on July 14th and contacted via email.

Then I commented:

Hmmm, why do I deserve these? As a mom of 2 beautiful and spirited girls whom I love very much and can't imagine my life without- I need down time. My down time usually consists reading, blogging, crafting or sewing while listening to my iPod.

I think every mom needs a little down time, a little "mom time" to recharge their batteries, and I think listening to your favorite music while kicking your heels up - even if it's only for 15 minutes- could be just the thing.

Plus, these headphones are just deliciously pink and sparkley! Mom time with sparkles? Even better.

So, if you are feelin' lucky and would like these sweet little jewel encrusted headphones, head over to An Island Review and tell Local Girl why you deserve these... then just write a post about it!

No. No. And No.

Emma is obsessed with "birfdays". Every day she asks me, "Is it my birfday, momma?"

Nope honey-I say- It's not for a loooong time.

"Aww-wahaw." She shows her defeat with the slump of the shoulders I know so well. Her mentor (big sis) taught her.

I hate to think that I- in my pessimistic wisdom- have tainted my child, but again I say... She's around ME 24/7, who else would she have gotten it from?

So now, after a few days of No, no and no, she says:

Guess what?

What?

It not my birfday, huh?

Once in a while though she will surprise me with a life time lesson that Dorky Dad reminded me of:

Guess what?

What?

*Big dramatic hand gestures, and spoken in a cute but awe stricken whisper-y voice* Itssssss mah birf-day.....!


Guess what?

What?

Chickenbutt... heehee!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alos, you might have noticed the new button in my sidebar... My blogging bud Local Girl

has started her own web business called the Island baby Boutique. All of her items are very cute and reasonably priced... I really love the Tooth Fairy Pillows! :D

She also has some adorable burp cloths and bibs, nursing pillow covers and diaper shirts. You can chose the fabric , embroidery image and the font styles to customize them to your liking. Go give her website a look, you might find something for that baby shower that you have marked on your calendar

What tha?

Where did she... how did she learn how to do this? Emma... sneaky little booger! *A-nna!* (said ala Jerry Seinfeld "New-man!")


"Oh good , honey... you did great! You ate half of your sandwich, good job buddy!" *wonders to self how she ate that quickly, but ooooo-k, she must have been hungry*






*As I go to put the rest of her lunch in a baggie, I found the turkey and provolone the little stinker had meticulously placed under the other part of her sandwich* "Ohhhhh, you're good kid... you're good!"

Two years old and already hiding food. the force is strong with this one.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Recent Emma-isms and their translations:

"Keep yo pans on!" - Keep your pants on!, she said to me when I told her to stop making a mess at the dinner table

"I did no!" - I said no

"Do till la me, momma?" - You still love me , momma?, out of the blue during lunch :D Haha, I guess it never hurts to ask, especially after telling your mom to keep her pants on.

" Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" - *sigh* Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?, at snack time

"Do tink tha's bunny?" - You think that's funny? , she said to Anna who was smirking at her after Emma yelled at her for something. Anna starting laughing and giggling, and while pointing at moi she yelled, "She got that FROM YOU!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Anna-ism, while we are eating at the Pizza Ranch... which is a pizza place that is decorated all in Western things like lanterns and horseshoes:

"Mom, I think because this place is decorated in old cowboy stuff we don't have to worry about talking with our mouths full."

Here is another hard lesson learned... be very careful what you say around your kids. One little slip up, one bad word...

One day I was calling a member of John's family a jerk- but used a different word. Yup a baaaaad one.

Anna said, "Oooooh, mom said a bad word! She said A-$-$-H-@-L-E!"

John stopped dead in his tracks, but neither of us could help but try to hide our laughter after about a second of shock.

I told John at least she spelled it right. I wasn't going to share this, but you guys already know that there isn't much I won't share... even if it makes me look REALLY bad.

I know, I'm a horrible parent. I get it. ;)

Send complaints to:

Mary Mert
1/2 Potty Mouth Way
Bad Parent Land, IA 98765

Let me count the ways!

EDIT TO ADD: I forgot to say thanks to everyone who commented on my my previous rant tirade sardonic dissertation post. I promise, from the heart of my bottom, to really tell you all how I feel next time. I know, I tend to keep my emotions bottled up. As per request, I pledge to share and give you more of myself next time. I guess sometime more is just... well, more. ;)

Hi there! I'm a bit shaky right now seen as I am getting my first internet fix in 13 days ( the MISU posted the last post for me at work)... It's kind of like going cold turkey without coffee, then starting up again after 2 weeks. The first few days are very exhausting and depressing, and life without internet and cable has been interesting. Today, I am exhilarated by the feel of keyboard, and quite frankly- a little giddy. There's nothing like getting your fix!

Let me just say that the day our "unconnected" cable was disconnected (the call was to our local Mediacom office BTW, not overseas), the hubs and I had a rant fest with each other over the phone while he was at work. Given the previous episode where my husband forgot to pay the cable bill for 83 days (remember that?) and our cable was disconnected without warning just a month ago... we were already primed so to speak. Expletives were exchanged over the phone between John and I 13 days ago, not at each other but towards the cable monopoly from hell.

John was furious and said screw it, we were just going to have to live without cable and internet for 3 or 4 months. To which I growled, (think The Exorcist)" I don't care about cable. We can go without that. But there is no way I'M GOING 4 MONTHS WITHOUT HIGH SPEED INTERNET."

Silly, selfish me. What I realize now is that though going 4 months without TV could have it's benefits (us doing more stuff as a family instead of being stuck in front of the boob tube), it also has it's downside (having to change DVDs and tapes frequently, and hearing a 6 yr old moan and groan about being bored during the days this summer when it will undoubtedly be to hot to go outside until evening).

We still do not have cable, and John is thinking that we can go 3 or 4 months of the kids watching the same DVDs and tapes without any complaining. I think he forgot that Anna will be out of school the end of this month... I reminded him last night while he was hooking up the DSL line. "3 months without TV... (dramatic pause) during the summer? You're kidding, right?"

Nope, he's not kidding. The summer should be interesting. I'm no candidate for Mother of the year, I'll fully admit that I let the kids eat breakfast while watching morning shows during the summer so I can get some house work done in hopes that we will make it outside in between Emma's naps. I also let them watch when I take a shower, in hopes that I will have a few minutes of peace without shrieking and crying. I also let them watch while I'm blogging. When aren't they watching TV? Good question. While they are sleeping? I told you, I'm not perfect. I do shut off the tube and we do go for hours without it on some days... Beside, not to toot their horns but I think we all know that my kids aren't lacking or suffering in the intelligence department. If anything we have considered giving them a smoke with their morning cuppa joe to stunt their over active brains.

I kid people, I kid! I would never do that.

Then blog about it. ;)

So maybe not having TV will be a good thing. I'll have to be more involved and probably have to plan activities so that they don't terrorize each other. We'll get outside more and try to actually get along without the inevitable emotional scarring that yelling, time outs and the occasional swat on the butt brings.

OR I could tell the hubby that having TV available would be beneficial for the whole family (if you get my meaning), because on those rough days I have no energy left for hubby time. ;) It's not bribery, it's the God's honest truth. I would be perfectly happy with making a no TV rule for 3 days out of the week in order to be more organized this summer (except for maybe an hour in the evening for family wind down time). But going the entire summer without TV? Insanity.

I have to make myself a work out schedule, so why not schedule TV days too? I've scheduled chore days in the past during the summer months because other wise the house becomes a bear den of food debris and dirty laundry, we just have too much fun during the lazy months of summer. I assure you, it ain't pretty.

I'm not opposed to change. OK, let's be honest here... Not completely opposed to change. Making a schedule is easy, sticking to it- not so much. Which means I will also probably have to pencil in blog time. *sigh* We'll see what happens.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I leave you with this Emma-ism:

Emma , like her mentor in the past, has a thing for ripping out hair adornments just seconds within getting into our car, and just seconds within arriving on the days where I silently rejoice that we have nearly made it to our destination with pig tails intact.

Which boggles the mind because like her mentor at that age, doing the do is usually a tearful struggle on both of our parts, usually ending with one of us crying out for daddy. I often wonder if the price of beauty ( or in Em's case, extreme and utter CUTENESS) is worth it.

ANYWHOOO, this day was a lazy day and I decided that running to Target did not warrant the suffering that adorable and curly pig tails bring, so I settle on a simple hair clip.

In the car, on the way, I hear the pip squeak pipe up:

Knock ihh off, momma.

Which, by the way, is usually what I say when she is uprooting clumps of hair from her scalp in order to be pig tail free.

I turn around and look at her questioningly, just in time to see her rip the hair clip from her head with a vengeance.

I turn back around and mumble to John, "Just she just say knock it off?"

Dat's white, momma. I said "Knock ihh off". She brandishes the hair clip as if it is her Sword in the Stone, just out of reach.


*note to self, add French Roast and Camels to the grocery list*