Thursday, December 14, 2006

Heartwarming holiday memories

I about spit my French Roast all over myself when I heard this story the other day on Regis and Kelly. I feel so bad for that woman, but I am happy that they at least didn't publish her name. How humiliating! If you are offended at the mere mention of bodily functions, stop reading right about here.

I'm not kidding... it's not too late to turn back!

OK, you asked for it...

It reminds me of a vacation, a long time ago... My husband and I decided at the last minute to travel to Maryland to see my mother for Christmas. I have this thing, this idiosyncrasy where I dislike using public toilets for- how should I say... pooping. As quoted from Thursday Thirteen #2, 13 things that annoy me:

13. The dreaded "back splash" while using public toilets. Who knows who used the potty before you... I just want to hose myself off with hand sanitizer!

So, this would make feeling light and fluffy while on vacation almost impossible, unless confined to the safety of my childhood bathroom. After almost 2 weeks of the the "train reluctantly leaving the station", we were on the first flight from Baltimore to Chicago, returning to Oakland, California.

We were on a large plane, and our seats were 2 rows ahead of a plane partition so that the row behind us was right smack dab, next to the partition- preventing them from being able to recline. Though this may seem like a trivial detail, you will understand it's importance later on. :O)

Anyway, I already had had a bit of a stomach ache, and only moments after take off I was riddled with perspiration-inducing cramps. Lucky me, perfect timing as per usual. I tossed and turned in my seat about as much as a person can sitting in a 2x3 foot area. Nearly doubled over, I gasped and groaned as little and as quietly as I could, my husband looking over occasionally with concern.

Finally, the agony was too much to bear. Ever so gently I lifted a cheek, and silently shared what I can assure you was one of the most vile and embarrassing moments of my life with about 20 people around me.

I waited. With clenched teeth, sitting stiff as a board, but relieved- I waited. Moments later, the row behind me burst into shouting and muttering.

"Oh my god, that's disgusting!"
"Oh, that's just horrible!"
" I think I am going to die!"

I pride myself on being quick thinking at least half of the time, and knowing that everyone around me was gasping for air and I wasn't made me realize very quickly that if I didn't chime in, they would know it was me. So I joined in the shouting and exasperated mutterings (fighting back nervous laughter the whole while), "Oh my god, that's awful! Who would do such a thing?"

After the angry mob behind me settled down, my husband turned to me and said it had smelled like someone had died from food poisoning, and again I stifled the nervous laughter. Just barely. I broke out into a sweat again.

***On a side note, I have a penchant for giggling at bodily functions. It is an unfortunate fact and character flaw, one that I am not proud of. This is a close second to laughing at people tripping or falling on stairs... and just typing this has given me a giggle fit. It can't be helped. I suppose you are wondering why I am admitting this, but I figure I have just shared an embarrassing story that never fails to haunt me this time of year (mostly because my husband enjoys watching me squirm when he shares the story every other year).***

As we left the plane, the people behind me mumbled to each other that this indeed had been the worst flight ever, and that accepting seats right in front of the partition for a reduced price was not a mistake they were about to make any time soon. I felt relief once more, but only after finally leaving the boarding area and heading to our next flight.

Just as we were out of ear shot from the other passengers of our flight, my darling husband turned to me and asked a single, solitary "not so much of a question but more of a declaration" question.

"That was you, wasn't it."

In my defense, I would never resort to lighting a match, nor the casual flick of a lighter while on an airplane. That would be stupid.

Then they would know it was me. :O)


JAM said...

This is awesome. Gave them the old one-cheek-sneak eh? You go girl. When the first person to complain says something, you should point at them and say, "He who smelt it, dealt it!"

Always, always, always blame the other guy.

plainandsimple said...

I am still laughing, it reminds me of a story my dad told me today, why are fart jokes so funny? I really like your blog...

Willowtree said...

Man I love a fart story, we haven't had many for a while and that had it all: strong pungent odor combined with a captive audience! It doesn't get any better than that. You deserve a link.

local girl said...

ROFLMAO! Okay, do you know how much I can relate to this? Not that I'd ever "pass gas" in public (LOL!) but I'm always caught in the middle of it while walking down the aisle on the plane.

In fact, I just came back yesterday from a flight where I had this same topic of conversation with my crew memebers. I had planned to blog about it tomorrow how I was gassed by a guy I was working with. UGH!

Hope you're feeling better!

Karmyn R said...

heh heh heh!!! Good one!!!! Especially the part where you chime in too with "who could do such a thing." way to go girl - you almost had your husband fooled too!!!

Jenny said...

Ha! Totally cracked me up!

I've personally never farted in my life. Too classy. I "toot".

Pamela said...

this is the kind of story that gets better over each campfire....

we have them at our house - one for nearly every family member.

read just one of my fart storys

Firefly said...

You are too funny!

When I was pregnant with my first child, the doctor gave me those lovely prenatal vitamins that are full of iron and folic acid. My husband and I decided to take a little beach vacation when I was about five months pregnant.

We were in a drug store looking for something or other when I am afraid I fluffed a rather large cloud. My husband loudly proclaimed that someone had just released something noxious and was bemoaning the fact that he couldn't seem to escape it. Of course, I just turned four shades of red. He looked at me incredulously, when he finally noticed my mortification, and said rather loudly (again), "YOU?!".

After that he wouldn't ever again hear that I never passed gas. He believed it for the first four years of our marriage, though. ;)

Samantha said...

ROFL! Talk about a fit of the giggles! That would be me right about now!!! I followed a link to you from Local Girl's blog :) Love this place, I KNOW I'll be back!!!

wayabetty said...

I came by via "local girl" and let me tell you, that was hilarious! Thanks for the morning humor!! I can imagine what that smell is like b/c my sister has the SBD, the silent but deadly farts. Man, it can kill a person. Mine are just loud and long.;-)

tiggerprr said...

OMG hilarious! It would totally kill me to have hubby have that kind of ammo on me. LOL

Holly Schwendiman said...

ROFL, ROFL, ROFL, that was such a funny share! As sad as it is it's nice to know that everyone has bodily functions!

Holly's Corner

Karianne said...

Dude, I'm rollin' over here! You crack me right up!

Mommy the Maid said...

I am in more than a giggling fit. I am trying not to wake up the sleeping family. LOL

Mommy the Maid said...

I just read Local Girl's story along these lines and to join in the TMI talk.

I made a real confession. It's the only way I will ever get over my problem. :D

Robin said...

Feeling your pain, oh, my, sooooooo glad I wasn't sitting behind...or in front of...or beside you ;). I could almost SMELL this story, you told it so well.

Wait a second...that was my dog ;).

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

TOTALLY hilarious! I spit water when I read this, my eyes were watering...MY GOD you can tell a great story, felt like I was there! I too have a problem about laughing at other people's bodily functions, misfortune and other inappropriate times!

melody is slurping life said...

LOL. I think we could be friends. :)