Heartwarming holiday memories

I about spit my French Roast all over myself when I heard this story the other day on Regis and Kelly. I feel so bad for that woman, but I am happy that they at least didn't publish her name. How humiliating! If you are offended at the mere mention of bodily functions, stop reading right about here.

I'm not kidding... it's not too late to turn back!


OK, you asked for it...

It reminds me of a vacation, a long time ago... My husband and I decided at the last minute to travel to Maryland to see my mother for Christmas. I have this thing, this idiosyncrasy where I dislike using public toilets for- how should I say... pooping. As quoted from Thursday Thirteen #2, 13 things that annoy me:

13. The dreaded "back splash" while using public toilets. Who knows who used the potty before you... I just want to hose myself off with hand sanitizer!

So, this would make feeling light and fluffy while on vacation almost impossible, unless confined to the safety of my childhood bathroom. After almost 2 weeks of the the "train reluctantly leaving the station", we were on the first flight from Baltimore to Chicago, returning to Oakland, California.

We were on a large plane, and our seats were 2 rows ahead of a plane partition so that the row behind us was right smack dab, next to the partition- preventing them from being able to recline. Though this may seem like a trivial detail, you will understand it's importance later on. :O)

Anyway, I already had had a bit of a stomach ache, and only moments after take off I was riddled with perspiration-inducing cramps. Lucky me, perfect timing as per usual. I tossed and turned in my seat about as much as a person can sitting in a 2x3 foot area. Nearly doubled over, I gasped and groaned as little and as quietly as I could, my husband looking over occasionally with concern.

Finally, the agony was too much to bear. Ever so gently I lifted a cheek, and silently shared what I can assure you was one of the most vile and embarrassing moments of my life with about 20 people around me.

I waited. With clenched teeth, sitting stiff as a board, but relieved- I waited. Moments later, the row behind me burst into shouting and muttering.

"Oh my god, that's disgusting!"
"Oh, that's just horrible!"
" I think I am going to die!"

I pride myself on being quick thinking at least half of the time, and knowing that everyone around me was gasping for air and I wasn't made me realize very quickly that if I didn't chime in, they would know it was me. So I joined in the shouting and exasperated mutterings (fighting back nervous laughter the whole while), "Oh my god, that's awful! Who would do such a thing?"

After the angry mob behind me settled down, my husband turned to me and said it had smelled like someone had died from food poisoning, and again I stifled the nervous laughter. Just barely. I broke out into a sweat again.

***On a side note, I have a penchant for giggling at bodily functions. It is an unfortunate fact and character flaw, one that I am not proud of. This is a close second to laughing at people tripping or falling on stairs... and just typing this has given me a giggle fit. It can't be helped. I suppose you are wondering why I am admitting this, but I figure I have just shared an embarrassing story that never fails to haunt me this time of year (mostly because my husband enjoys watching me squirm when he shares the story every other year).***

As we left the plane, the people behind me mumbled to each other that this indeed had been the worst flight ever, and that accepting seats right in front of the partition for a reduced price was not a mistake they were about to make any time soon. I felt relief once more, but only after finally leaving the boarding area and heading to our next flight.

Just as we were out of ear shot from the other passengers of our flight, my darling husband turned to me and asked a single, solitary "not so much of a question but more of a declaration" question.


"That was you, wasn't it."

In my defense, I would never resort to lighting a match, nor the casual flick of a lighter while on an airplane. That would be stupid.


Then they would know it was me. :O)