12

My baby is going to be 12 in 21 days. TWELVE.

My oldest child... the beginning of something truly beautiful, a new phase of my life that I thought I would never be lucky enough to experience.


It's been gritty and tortuous being a parent, and at other times soulful and stomach-hugging hilarious.

Today, I realized that my oldest child is so much like me, so much more than I had ever realized. I mean, I had always thought she looked a little more like me and we share a eerily similar sense of humor. We inflect on words the same, and our laughs can be the same growly, bark of a laugh or nearly the same hysterical howl. We share almost the exact same nose, and we both feel the same dread over the size.

But beyond all of that, while we talked about friendships, I could see the person she is becoming. At some point we were both exasperated and my eyes were opened, as I forced myself to listen more instead pontificating aloud, sharing my "refined" wisdom as an adult.

As I admitted to her that I didn't know everything I saw something click in my daughter, as if those were the words she had been longing me to say since her existence.

I stopped for a moment and told her that all I ever want for her in life is to do good, and not make the same mistakes I did. My words are meant as a cautionary tale, never judgement. I want to give my kids all the things my mother didn't like sound advice and a bent ear... understanding.

We had an honest talk about a friendship she has that has turned sour, and this person is no longer viewed through rose colored glasses and Anna is finally seeing her for who she really is: a mean spirited brat who enjoys humiliating and bullying others. Now that Anna has rekindled a friendship from  grade school- who this mean little bully does not like- now the bully has caught my daughter in her icy glare. Anna has now been bullied.

Don't weep for my child, make no mistake... my daughter is strong in will and most of the time character. I am proud of her for standing up to this miserable little person, and for standing her ground.

She is a bit hard headed like her dad's side of the family, and she can be a little tender under her hard shell... both of which she gets from me I think. It hurts me to see her frustration (and hurt, though she refuses to admit it), but I laid out the options/choices ahead of her in this situation.

1. The obvious backstabbing and dirtying of the name of said person, justified by tales of all the ways this person has hurt her... which NEVER ends well and ALWAYS backfires.

2. Stay neutral and continue to defend herself while faking her way through this botched "friendship".

3. MOVE ON. Leave it all behind and enjoy those people who really truly are her friends.

She did say midway through our talk that she had just had the realization, "Why am I bothering to be friends with her?"

So if nothing hopefully she now understands that confiding in her mom can be cathartic and therapeutic, and that I am an ally and not the enemy.

And maybe, just maybe she realizes that I do pretty much know what I am talking about. Most of the time.

Usually.

I learned today that it's not such a bad thing that we are so much alike.

I hope that one day she realizes it too.

Peace,
Mary

Oh no, not again...

Remember a few years ago... Oh, let's see... Anna was 4 I think? And she was mooning over a not quite famous Zac Effron?

So Emma is eating lunch and watching a older episode of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody with Jesse McCartney, when he looked like this:

And she says with a *SIGH*, "I wish I had someone like that for a boyfriend..."

And naturally I probably did something akin to:
"What?" She looks at me for a second,"I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend before."

My first instinct was to reply *whilst trying my best to hide my amusement*, "Oh honey... it will be years before you can start dating. Acording to your dad, about 30 years or so. " Knowing that Emma is Anna's Mini Me, I decided to keep my big yap shut. I can remember that Anna was only 6 months older when she had her first crush and she was very serious about it, and didn't take kindly to John and I ribbing her about it.

Emma will be 4 end of March, but I still can't believe that this little critter has hit the sighing phase and has completely skipped the "EWWW, boys totally have cooties" phase. Just like her big sis.
This combined with the fact that Anna has had her first consultation with the "Boob Fairy", as my sis likes to call it... Well, you can imagine.

I'm suppressing the urge to chug cough medicine as we speak.

I kid people, I kid.

I'd much prefer vanilla extract. ;)

YES!

I have good news... it's better than good news actually :D OK, for John and I it is. NO I'M NOT KNOCKED UP, don't even think it!

Toi toi toi, evil eye, evil eye!
Yes I'm in a weird mood, and no, I have no idea what I just said. :P

Since birth, Emma has been stubborn, opinionated and rigid. She fits right in. ;) Not to be unkind, let me explain what I mean. Besides head butting me on a regular basis when she was crying or upset about something, she also liked to head butt me when she didn't have my full attention... as in me trying to type with one hand while trying to get her to sleep. Another interesting thing about Emma was the fact that even though she eventually got used to sleeping in her crib for naps, and even though it only took us about a week to get her to go down without us being in the room with only her Fisher Price birdies to lull her to sleep... she would absolutely have a meltdown and refuse to sleep in her crib at night, even though she went down for a nap in her crib several times a day without a problem. At night, she wanted to be in bed with mom or dad. We had to take our mattress off the frame and put it on the floor, and one of us has to lay with her until she went to sleep, then we would slip her into her crib, and she would wake up after a few hours and we would have to start all over again sometimes. We are talking 3-4 months here folks... Yes, she was THAT stubborn at that age.

Then at 11 months, she moved from her crib to a full sized mattress on the floor and shared a room with her sister. We still had to lay down with her until she went to sleep, usually 1 1/2 to 2 hours. A few frustrating times, it even took almost 3 HOURS!

Again, we got her to lay down for naps pretty easily, only now she was in bed instead of her crib, and she still had her birdies to comfort her to sleep. BUT... still at night, she wanted mom or dad to snuggle with her until she fell asleep.

Eight months ago I tried to get her to go to sleep on her own, and she cried hysterically. It was heart breaking, so of course I couldn't go through with it. John and I trade nights putting her to bed, so it was guaranteed that you were going to have your patience tested while she climbed out of bed when she thought you were sleeping, had her poke you in the face while she thought you were sleeping, and even had you patience tested when she did these things after you actually fell asleep before she did... out of exhaustion or sheer boredom.

Well my friends, her 3rd birthday is quickly approaching. Believe it or not, Anna at this age was just as stubborn, only it was about potty training. At this age, Anna was just finally potty trained while Emma has been now for about 3 or 4 months. And at this age we were still trying to get Anna to sleep on her own, but didn't succeed until just before Emma was born. After Emma moved into Anna's room, Anna declared that it was not fair that Emma got to have snuggle time at bed time and she didn't... so one of us would snuggle with her and the other with Emma. Sheesh.

Over the last few weeks I have been brainwashing encouraging Emma to sleep on her own and said that she would be a big girl like her big sis if she could go night-night JUST like she does at nap time, and that bedtime is no different from nap time during the day.

Last night was John's turn to put her to bed, but Emma wanted mommy. I told her it was daddy's turn and she started to cry, "I don't want daddy. I'll go to bed by myself."

Instead of making it a big or negative deal out of it, I talked excitedly about what a big girl she was and how this was a big, exciting deal! And just when I saw a glimmer of doubt in her eyes I did what any desperate good parent would do...

I bribed her with money. Daddy took my cue and talked animatedly about how she could save her money and get those toys at the store she was always asking for but we never buy (cuz we are po', and we are mean like that).

"Yay! Toys! I want money, I want coins for my bank!"

John and I grinned at each other. mean while, it was my turn to snuggle with Anna at bedtime. After John spent about 10 minutes snuggling with Emma and getting her settled in bed, he went downstairs. I explained to Anna that I would be going downstairs too. While her not yet but almost 3 year old sister (most likely) lay quietly in her bed, playing with a stuffed animal... not making a peep, Emma's now 7 year old sister was weeping like a baby. I explained that it wouldn't be fair to Em for us to stay the usual 1/2 hour to 45 minutes with Anna, and that we would snuggle and say prayers and then I would be going down stairs.

Anna amped it up a notch. Again,I did what any desperate good parent would do and I threatened to take away computer privileges for the whole weekend if she cried loud enough to upset Emma, and make her cry. I also explained that the usual ratio of night time activities to snuggling could still occur, it would just have to happen before bedtime.

Good lord, people... it was if I had killed her puppy, Hannah Montana and Zac Effron all in one horrible and tragic dog walking hit and run. Really.

To make a short story longggggggg, Emma slept through the night after complaining only twice (about being hungry, and her belly not feeling good), and after consoling her then giving her medicine she was good.

What a gift this is... to have back 2 hours every other day. John and I can actually have comprehensible/adult conversations, we can enjoy watching movies together again. We can have mommy/daddy time again, which , when you think about it, hasn't really happened since the 2 1/2 months before Emma was born. Two and half short months of time together, which doesn't really count because we were stress and exhausted from being preggers.

the down side? At least an hour of work per week will be going to the kids for bribes/allowance LOL! Yeah, that's how little I make right now.

I'm wondering if 20 years from now we'll be sick of looking at each other (slightly annoyed at the very least) and wish to have those little boogers back to snuggle with.

I bet we will. ;)

What to do when your 6 year old child says "I hate you"

I have always known that Anna is a bit ahead of the curve in maturity and brain cells. Bearing that in mind I have also always known that eventually and inevitably the day would come when she said those dreaded words.

I hate you.

I wasn't expecting the day to be today, and I wasn't expecting her to be the ripe age of 6 1/2. I certainly did expect those words to be hurled at me from the throws of prepubescence, and I was even more certain that they would pop up during some premenstrual debacle.

Those are words that I know well. Too well. I cannot tell you how many times those words were said to me in anger as a child. I think what hurt the most is when those words were handed to me with apathy.

Anna said that she hated me, then told me that everything was my fault... and after that I can honestly say that I don't remember much. I told her she was to stay in her room and not come out until it was clean and that I did not want to talk to her.

I went down stairs in a haze. I walked in circles until I was crushed under the pressure and weight of those 3 words. I cried. I can honestly say that it grieves me.

So I did what I always do when furious or hurt, I cleaned. After I worked offf a little grief I decided to google 'what to do when your 6 year old child says "I hate you"'. I read various sites that stated that at this age they are not aware of the meaning of those words and say them because they are angry, but don't mean them. Sure, I know that younger children say these things to their parents, and I know that hypothetically they don't mean it. You can't say that about Anna. She's very intelligent. Though I know she may not realize the consequences of this act I can tell you that she meant them with every fiber, even for a brief moment.

This site said:

The unanimous chorus from experts: Don't take it personally. Kids say these things when they're frustrated or angry. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Of course, distancing yourself when your kid seems to be dissing your mothering skills isn't easy, but letting your child think that you're all too happy to get rid of him -- or worse, that you hate him, too -- isn't okay. Since the under-9 set are literal thinkers, they won't detect the reverse psychology at work, and you might end up undermining your child's trust...

...Easier said than done, of course, but if you're upset, wait until you've calmed down to say anything. "When you get emotional, you lose 50 IQ points," says Ray Levy. "But later on you can say, 'It hurts my feelings when you tell me you hate me.' Usually when kids are calm, they're pretty remorseful."

Even though I agree with the last part of the statement above, I do not feel it is OK to "just let it go". Not at Anna's age anyway, no matter how literal she is she is also very logical and emotionally driven. I feel at this age is entirely appropriate for Anna to understand the kind of fallout that can occur in this situation. I sat at my computer thinking about what I would say to her. On one hand I could gloss it over " and not dwell on it, as the article above insinuates, as well as all of the other sites I visited. On another I could explain how horrendously this has affected me at the risk of making her feel guilty, in order for her to understand how devastating this can be for a loved one; and for her to understand that she must never do this again.

Then I read this blog post... THANK GOD. Finally something that addresses the state of the mature child and what it means to be 6 years old. Shauna, the blog author quotes from a book that helped her immensely :

The six-year-old is a complex child, entirely different from the five-year-old.Though many of the changes are for the good -- Six is growing more mature, more independent, more daring and adventurous -- this is not necessarily an easy time for the little girl or boy. Relationships with mothers are troubled -- most of the time Six adores mother, but whenever things go wrong, it's her fault. It used to be, at Five, that she was the center of the child's universe; now, the child is the center of his own universe.

Yes, exactly. OK. I value my children's opinions. I expect them to be able to tell me what that think and feel. All I'm asking is for a little courtesy. I want so much for my kids to have what I didn't which is an opinion... but I need to be able to draw the line at hurt and disrespect , and I need to be able to tell them that it's not OK.

Anna eventually came downstairs about an hour after the incident and apologized for saying those words and that she didn't mean them anymore. I sat there with my mouth open for a moment, trying to compose my thoughts. She didn't mean it anymore.

I explained to her that it hurts me that she felt that way at all, even if it was just for a moment. I said that hate was a very strong word, and though I was glad she was sorry , it's hard to take that word back. I also said that hate is the strongest negative word you can say to someone you love, and when you say it- even though you will probably be sorry later- it stays with a person.

I explained that though I have been angry with her many times, I have never hated her and would never EVER say that to her. I explained that telling someone that you hate them and that you wish that they had never been born are the worst things yo could say to someone you love or care about. I told her that my mother told me those things more times than I can remember, and it still hurts to this day.

I explained that those words will stay with me and in my heart forever... and that the reason why I was telling her this was for her to understand and learn from this situation.

I want her to learn that it's NEVER OK to tell someone you hate them, especially not the people you love. That it's OK to tell me she is angry with me, and I will acknowledge her feelings. It's OK to express anger, hurt and frustration. I respect her as a person, I respect her feelings.

I explained all of this and the fact that those words were unacceptable. She sobbed on my shoulder. We hugged and I told her I loved her, and she held on to me for what seemed like dear life for over 10 minutes.

My heart hurts a little less and I am hoping that over time that abyss will close and heal itself to the tiniest of fractures.

I know the joys will out number the sorrows. I have faith that the brilliance of her love and understanding will fill those little cracks with so much light that they will be unseen to the naked eye. Hopefully no one will know they are there but me.

There's a first time for everything!

This last Friday Anna lost her first tooth! When I picked up from school that day I actua;y heard her before I saw her, I was looking down for just a moment to see what Emma was doing, when I heard her yelling over the din, "Mommy! I lost my tooth today at lunch!" She went on to tell me that she took a bite of her roll and felt something hard... and spit it out in revulsion on her tray. Which we both got a good laugh out of. She went to the school nurse and she got a cute little container to put her tooth in, which also happened to be a ring with a picture of a tooth on it. Very cute! She wore it very proudly.

I would love to say that I have cute pictures of my less-toothed (but not toothless) girl, but being the over achiever that she is her new teeth had already grown in behind her baby teeth. Though I am a natural worrier, I tried to ease her discomfort by telling her that she was a bit like a shark. We just had to wait for the other row to fall out. My worries were about how the new teeth were going to throw the alignment off since they came in behind the old ones, and the fact that if they didn't come out by the time the new ones were completely in, she would have to go tot he dentist to have them yanked. My bottom teeth are very crooked and I have always worried that my poor kids will inherit them... but Anna has been told by the dentist that over crowding is likely and she will probably need braces. "That's OK, I'll just get the ones that are pink and purple!"

We are still waiting for tooth #2 to finally relinquish it's title to the new heir. ;) I'm just glad we haven't had to take to her to the dentist to have them pulled.

Also, yesterday Emma went #1 on her potty for the very first time after telling us she had to go! She was a bit embarrassed afterwards that we would make such a big deal about going pee, and she smiled shyly while sauntering off to the kitchen to regroup. :D

Always the character, but Anna did the exact same thing her first time. It's funny how they are so much alike! Which makes us think, "Well, at least we know what to expect!... Oh, yeah. Right. DARN!" ;)

Just kidding, we wouldn't have it any other way. They are very much a product of their environment and though they can be a little too loud, "focused" (read as stubborn) and spirited, at least I know my kids feel comfortable enough that they can share their opinions.

And I'm sure that later on- when they are both entrenched in hormones and teenage angst- I will look back on these words and scoff... or at least have a good laugh. Until then, I'll continue to meet all of their firsts with love and joy... And we can hold off on the "guess what's in your mashed potatoes" game for a little bit longer.