Antisocial Media

I wrote a message to a family member to let them know that their constant cancelling on us at the last minute was upsetting in response to their cancellation. I was angry and felt slighted on my child's behalf AGAIN, and remarked that I was so happy I hadn't gone out to buy a bunch of stuff to have them over like I had the last time, and that I hadn't struggled through fibro pain to clean my house for them only to have them cancel at the last minute. Reasonable, adult like, to the point. A FAMILY MEMBER.

 She unfriended me, never once addressing my message or my feelings and her husband (an actual cousin of John’s) BLOCKED me (and my 10 year old daughter). They both kept John as a friend of course... which is kind of mind boggling. Do they think He will go to family functions without me?

I am so tired of people promising me themselves and their time only to keep me hanging. I’m sick of being used and discarded. I am angry that there seems to be this idea people have of me that I am just sitting around all day waiting for them to grace me with 5 minutes because I’m just a typical over weight stay at home mom/house wife and have nothing better to do. I am more than my motherly appearance, and normally sweet (but sarcastic) disposition, and my willingness to give without question.

I AM HUMAN, I have feelings and needs… and I am not the pushover you think I am. I have a right to speak honestly about what hurts me, and you don’t get to just toss me aside when I no longer fit into the neat little box you have deemed characterizes me. To unfriend me for speaking honestly about what is bothering me? I feel sad that John might lose his relationship with his cousin, but really I feel justified. I did nothing wrong. Let’s just say that realizing just how low you are on someone’s totem pole by the amount of care and decency they give you is eye opening. I’m not even a blip on their radar apparently, and that hurts.

  

THIS IS THE WORLD  we are living in where "friends" ignore your texts for help, but always seem to respond when THEY need something. A world where people end friendships and relationships on social media. A world where people break up in a text, "ghost", soap box  and argue with complete strangers because they have to be RIGHT.

I'm not asking for pleas to make me stay in this little bubble, this glimpse into the self-righteous and egomaniacal, because this little trip to assholeville has me wanting to cash in my chips. I have enjoyed many a friendship on social media, and have found solace and comfort from the bonds I have created online. But for the love of doughnuts look what technology/social media has and is doing to our lives. We would rather text than actually take  30 minutes to talk to someone on the phone, we would rather peer voyeuristically into a persons profile than actually interact with them or let them know that we even give a shit that they exist*… well asshole you don't deserve the privilege to peep my joy on Facebook.*CLICK*

Our worlds and ties are getting smaller because people just do NOT care anymore, they don’t wish to sacrifice time that could possibly be spent doing something more enjoyable, more important.

TL;DR :

Unplug, people. Let someone know that you would rather talk/spend time with them than surf the web, while watching a movie, while painting your nails, while trying to get famous on Youtube.  Actually take someone else’s feelings into account instead of turning a blind eye to the aftermath of your actions.And this breaking up with family/friends/significant others on technology has to stop. Man up, speak your truth. DARE TO BE HUMAN.

I have never felt lonelier in my life.

I need to unplug. I’m done at least for a little bit.THIS is not my world... my world consists of giggles and farts, Dorito crumbs, and lots of sarcastic humor with the MISU.

I’m gonna go hug my kids.

Peace.

* Which I will say, caused me to block my own brother a few months ago, because if you can't be bothered to let me speak to you more than 5 minutes on your birthday after not speaking to you for 5 months...BECAUSE you have something more important to do like snow board. This has been going on for years. Instead of calling me and asking what was up with the blocking or to even as wtf my problem was, he decided we were done.

Yes... I am a stay at home mom, and I STILL matter

Today I had someone ask me if Jacob is going to be in kindergarten next year, and after I said yes she asked with a hint malice," Well, what are you going to do with yourself then?"

You see, I am a stay at home mom. Not because I believe I am better than anyone else, or find that though we have sacrificed greatly for me to stay at home with our babies that my sacrifices are greater than those of anyone else. I simply did what I thought was best for MY kids.

So many things ran through my mind in a matter of seconds. I want to snap back that I would probably CONTINUE to do the thousands of things I do every day, you know like laundry, cooking and general cleaning up for 4 other people. I would continue with the tedium of clipping coupons to scrimp since we are on one income, shopping for the best deals and sales to stretch our income, agonizing over bills and sticking to a budget to buy those groceries, spend bits and pieces of time with my kids, fretting over my jewelry business and struggling to make time for it... day dreaming about creating something with my hands like painting or drawing.

On top of all of those things struggling to get out of bed in the morning because of unbreakable cycle of insomnia... which makes my debilitating fibromyalgia pain and chronic fatigue syndrome much worse. Developing a new heart problem which contributes to the fatigue. Grappling with system crippling allergies that keep me locked inside on the most beautiful of days, and knowing that because of all of these illnesses that I can no longer work and contribute to supporting my family causing depression and anxiety. Knowing that if a dear friend of mine with most of the same illness as me (only worse) is having a hard time getting disability so my chances are very slim... hating that I once was a nurse but can no longer do the job I loved even if I really wanted to and that this was NOT how I planned the last half of my life going...

In mere moments I was knocked down and belittled, angry and confused as to why this person that I haven't seen in almost 6 months would want to verbally snipe me... if only she knew, CARED to retain or bothered to read my status updates, (though I guess honestly despite all this I try not complain on Facebook much because who wants to read that?).

I have been working in some capacity since I was 10 (family business, paper routes, ice cream stands, groceries stores all before I was 18), I have paid my dues as a productive member of society until 14 years ago when I became a stay at home mom. I don't deserve the implications that I sit on my ass all day eating fritos and watching soap operas.

I wanted to respond in kind, I wanted to hurt her back but as unhappy as I felt at that moment and have been feeling for over a year I realized she was probably so much more unhappy than me for wanting to make me feel less than for staying home with my kids at first by choice... and then later out of necessity for health reasons.

I did not glean an ounce of joy from realizing that she was more than likely jealous of the lifestyle she THOUGHT I was living. It didn't make me feel superior that she was most likely very unhappy.

I don't need to match someone else's guidelines or validate my choices... and I certainly do not matter less because I do not or can not hold a job outside of the home. Despite all my unhappiness and longings I still would have left a very lucrative job as a licensed practical nurse in California  14 years ago to move back to John's hometown in Iowa to stay at home to raise Anna myself. I matter, I have and will continue to make a difference if only for my family.

In those moments that probably only took up 30 seconds I replied with a slight smile, in a soft voice, "Yeah, who knows." I let it go.

Long story short  (TL;DR) , not every circumstance is an opportunity to level the playing field. Sometimes we need to show a little kindness and walk in someone else's shoes. And sometimes the kindest thing we can do is keep our mouths shut. I really wish for a time when women lift and support one another instead of "sweeping the legs" out from under them Karate Kid style, for very personal choices and very valid reasons that are diminished to presumptions. I hope we can be kinder to each other as humans as a whole because we really never know what is going on behind closed doors and closed hearts.

I guess we should get Rosetta Stone

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Anna who made up her own language. She often spoke syllables smashed together, and they sometimes resembled actual words in different languages. One of her favorites was the word "puta". Her mommy told her that that was a bad word in Spanish and that she should find a new favorite word.
 
There once was a little girl named Emma who made up her own special language. She liked to come up with words for body parts ( puhtutu= butt), and came up with new names for verbs. Her favorite word was also "puta", which her parents thought was hilarious considering it was also her sister's favorite made up word... but explained she should stop saying it because it was a bad word in Spanish.
 

There is a little boy named Jacob who sometimes makes up his own special language. His mommy told him to eat his dinner, and he whined and complained he that doesn't like grilled hot dogs. His dad told him to stop messing around and eat his hot dogs or he wasn't going to get dessert. Jacob then said "puto"... and his mommy and big sister nearly died laughing.

I wrote a blog post about Anna almost 6 years ago to the day. SMH It has to be genetic, people... it has to be.