Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sad news, but why don't I feel sad?

***Warning, Not a positive post***

Yesterday my younger brother called to let me know that our maternal grandmother had passed away the night before, that he had just gotten a text from the older brother I have estranged myself from.

I was bothered on many levels about the phone, none of which had to do with my younger brother Ben, or the phone call in and of itself... But My older brother is"sorry for not being there for us", again. He is now 44 or 45 and I still don't believe it. His pleas for family fall on deaf ears. I try not to feel bitter and resentful of his "alleged" neediness... but memories of my co-existance with him as a child and memories of how as adults he was too busy to talk and had to go just minutes after calling him because "his pizza had arrived" or he " was shopping for car insurance"... and this after not speaking to each other for almost 8 months to a year.

Time and time again he refuses to hear Ben's and my valid complaints about our mother, and he cares little enough to retain the reasons that we have explained to him (repeatedly) why we both need to rid ourselves of her insanity, mental and physical abuse and codependent mess. He asks all the tough questions but then ends the call abruptly, while Ben and I sit there shaking, near gastro-intestinal distress from having to recant it all. AGAIN.

To make matters worse, I feel nothing but a slight sadness in my grandmother's passing. I felt bothered by this last night, and as I sit here trembling over my realization this morning... shame taints my day today. I do not feel sorry that this woman passed. The woman who heard her daughters speak of abuse by their father, her husband while she turned a blind eye. Chances are that my mother would have had problems anyway because of the way my grandmother raised her... But her denials definitely contributed to the monster my mother is today.

What I have not divulged on this blog is that I can remember My grandfather watching me and a foster child they had taken in play "doctor". This woman, who had ignored pleas from her own daughters... left her innocent grandchild alone with this man, and had taken in foster children knowing his predilections.

And my mother was either helpless as to where my older brother and I stayed or was too far gone to care in a mental institution that my grandparents and birth father had had her committed to.

I don't know why he (my grandfather) never followed through, and I thank God every day that he did not... but I still wake at night screaming because in my dreams I see him standing in my bedroom doorway... I see the evil intent and filth in his eyes, and it haunts me still to this day.

So, as I felt no sorrow for his passing 2 or 3 yrs ago... I feel nothing for her as well. I don't have many warm fond memories of my grandparents as most people do, I can only remember being punished for talking to my foster sister after bedtime by being locked outside in the back yard for 3 hours after dark for not going to sleep...being beaten by my grandmother with a slipper for spilling god knows what... and night terrors of my grandfather to this day.

On a positive note, though I never have been a perfect parent... I thank God for giving me children after 11 years of infertility, for giving me a chance to prove that my gene pool is not beyond repair, for giving this family line another chance.

And now , even though this pregnancy has started off as a rough one, I thank Him for blessing us again.


Miguel said...

Here it's a small hug

Mert said...

Thanks Miguel :) I needed that.

meleah rebeccah said...

Wow. I had no idea about your family background. Reading this post made me sad, until I read the end.

Especially when I read - "I thank God for giving me children after 11 years of infertility, for giving me a chance to prove that my gene pool is not beyond repair, for giving this family line another chance."

Hugs to you Mary.

Mert said...

Mels, my life is... a past full of sadness and a present full of humor and joy. Most people cannot stomach reading- much less believe at times- my "not positive posts" and i completely understand why.

My salvation is knowing that it could have been so much worse, and in the knowing that I have so many friends and family who love me and accept me for who I am, present and past... everything.

I don't write these things out for pity, I write to rid myself of the feelings I am having at those dark moments...writing has been very cathartic for me. I feel like I can say anything in the blogosphere and for the most part not be judged.

xoxo to you too!

meleah rebeccah said...

I COMPLETELY understand that. I do a lot of therapeutic writing too. And since this is YOUR blog, YOU write whatever you need to write and I will be right here reading and listening and giving you my full support!

"I feel like I can say anything in the blogosphere and for the most part not be judged."

Isn't THAT just The Best?!

Anonymous said...

Hi Sweet,

I didn't know, I don't know if I was of any help or if I was even there that time you stayed with them. I think I was in Okinawa but I remember while I was there that my heart hurt and I prayed and I prayed and I cried. About a week after that I got a letter and I think my mom said they had put Paula away for a while. I told Uncle John that that was the day I felt so sad and cried. I know something was wrong.
I'm glad God kept you safe from him.
What hurt me most about mom passing is that she didn't call me to say she was sorry and could we fix it. The other hurt was that the pain I felt will be the pain you and Ben go through when Paula passes. I cried for all of us, then I got mad, now I don't care that she's gone, it's done. No more hurts, no more not being good enough, no more nothing.
Sarah sent me a card and I love what she wrote, I'll share part of it with you I'm sure your children will feel the same.
She wrote, "It takes a very strong person to break a trend. I can't thank you enough for being a better mom to me than yours was to you. God is so proud of you". Isn't that the sweetest words to read.
You are a great mom, and I pray for you guys all the time. You are blessed, you have a sweet third miracle coming soon and you have two great girls, and then there's John. Funny both our husbands have the same name. I know my John is the only one that could of put up with me for almost 37 years come June.
I love you Mary, you are a very good person and a very strong person and a great Momma.
Auntie Yvonne

Mert said...

Hi Aunt Yvonne,

I do remember having to stay with them twice (when I was 30 or 4, then again when I was 7 or 8) and I remember one of those times you were there, when I was tiny... I do have some pics of me sitting on your lap under a tree and I love those pictures!!! I can remember feeling very special because you were there and I felt very loved.

The night terror thing started getting really bad after John and I went to visit them after I got back from the persian gulf, and like an idiot we stayed at their house. We should have stayed at a hotel but they insisted... It was then that I realized who and what the night terrors were about. I started having them really bad again about a year ago, not sure why.

Thank you so much for everything you did for me and Ben when we were kids, I cannot express the gratitude I feel knowing that you were there for us in prayer and spirit even when you couldn't physically be there. Ben and I have said over and over again that YOU are one of the only normal mom role models we have ever had. We are truly blessed. :)

Ben told me that he is planning on talking to Paula sometime in the next year, only to say that he will be there if anything should happen to her and Eddie needs a home and care and that he wants to see him. I am not sure what else he plans on...

As for me, I realized years ago that I will never be good enough for my mother, I will never measure up... though I have far exceeded her predictions of me only amounting to a pregnant teen, eventually dead in a ditch.

I realized that when I had those moments of going back to her and our codependent relationship, or when the thoughts would come... I was looking for A MOM, not her specifically. I wanted a mom, and she was not what I wanted or needed. Closure would be nice but I know it will never happen, she is not capable of attempting to take responsibility without trying to spread the blame on to me and Ben. She once tried to blame me for her relationship problems with Jim because he favored me. It was when she came out for Anna's birth. I told her THAT was bullshit, that I was a child and was not responsible for any of her adult problems, and it certainly wasn't my fault if Jim favored me... I had always thought he had a soft spot for me because I was his only daughter.

Anyway, That was beautiful what Sarah wrote to you!!! You are and have been an amazing mom, even to Ben and I, thank you so much for that.

And yes, I have always thought it funny that me, you and Paula went for intellectual types that wear glasses... maybe me having such wonderful role models in them made me search for a man like that. John has put up with more than any other man would with me... I see that more and more each day. He has his faults, and is getting better about admitting them, which has helped greatly in the months since our almost divorce. And he has also become stronger as a man, and told me there is some of my shit he wont tolerate anymore LOL! Then he turned around and sighed... and said "no... that's not true... I just love you." Now THAT is love ;)

I am still not quiet ready for this little one, and am thankful that I have another 5 months to prepare myself LOL!!! But we are truly blessed :)