Friday, May 30, 2008

Every Silver Lining Has It's Cloud

I know yesterday I was pretty upbeat... but the realization that one day my child will have to have her chest cracked open is finally sinking in. Yesterday after sending the email out, then posting the email on my blog I came down of the good news high. We will see the pediatric cardiologist again in 2 years, and man... it's going to be a long 2.

Statistically, Emma will have to have surgery one day, and it doesn't matter how long from now, sooner or later she will have it... I feel like there is a heavy thing hanging over us, and knowing that this thing is there just waiting... I'm scared for my child.

Though I have resolved to make sure that we need to stop messing around with the health of our family (John with high triglycerides and high blood pressure, and Anna bordering on being considered obese earlier according to her BMI last summer - which we resolved with a lot of cutting back and watchfulness), but now seriously we are making or breaking Emma. What she learns now in eating habits and exercise is crucial. If we teach her healthy things hopefully it will follow her into her teens and adulthood, making recovery for her much easier.

What is troubling me is that her valve flaps are already showing signs of thickening, which isn't good. If they become very thick and stiff, they will not close properly. Which could mean that surgery could be sooner rather than later in our future.

If you could, please pray for me to see the silver lining, and enjoy her health right now. Not only enjoy it, but continue to nurture and support it so she can go as long as possible without having to have surgery. I'm trying to focus on that right now. Tears , and more tears, and lots of prayer.

I am having trouble with faith. I find it amazing that with Rachel, I had no doubts that she would be healed, and this makes me feel really bad as a mom. *tears again* Why is that? How could I possibly have more faith for a cousin than my own child, who I carried for nine months? Who is a part of my very flesh and heart? How could something so little have a broken heart, when she was so very vital in healing mine after losing a baby?

Sheesh, I think we know where Anna and Emma get their drama genes from *LOL*

Anyway, prayers for me too would be great because my faith is wavering, and I know it is because of fear.

1 John 4:17-19

In this is love perfected with us, that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love.



~Virginia~ said...

aw, merty-mert! i'm so sorry about what your family's having to go through. the fact that you think your faith is wavering is just a sign that you're human. it happens to everyone. no one is immune to it. everyone's faith falters at some point--it's catching it before it starts falling into despair that counts.

i'm not sure of the specifics of what the operation would entail, but i'm sure you'll do your due diligence in researching it and asking questions. in this internet age, i'm sure there are other families who've had to go through this and may be able to offer words of wisdom and encouragement.

and when you're not doing that, you'll just keep being the great mommy and wife that you are to your hubby and kids.

it'll be okay. we're all praying for you and your family in the meantime.

take care!

Nikki said...

I think as moms we always tend to think that the worst is going to happen and we worry until we're sick (it's somewhere in the job description) but when she's all healed and better than new it's going to be such a relief and comfort to you.
Hang in there :)

Judy Thomas said...

It's common to worry more about those very closest to us. And, it's not a lack of faith that makes you see things that COULD go wrong. The main thing is live good healthy lives now. You don't want to hover, either, over Em. Kids definitely pick up on our attitudes and our fears. Tomorrow will take care of itself. God is in the miracle business. Hugs to you all.

Ash said...

Hey babe. The silver lining is this: you found it before something really bad happened.

It could have been years, and one day during gym class something bad could have happened and well... you found it in time to be watchful and to teach both of the girls better habits.

I pray for her everyday.

Susie said...

Fear and worry are part of the job description. It is that way with kids and husbands. At least in my case! The silver lining is that your doctor found the problem early and identified it. You are able to take precautions now, to teach her the proper way to take care of herself. She will grow up knowing that there is a problem and she needs to watch for signs. For now, she is able to be a kid. No worry of immediate surgery. Can you imagine if the problem had been worse? She would have grown up way to fast. Now you can just keep an eye on her while she is having fun. You are entitled to worry. You are allowed to worry. I would expect nothing less. You are allowed to have a good cry for what may be, but don't let that consume you. My sister-in-law told us when Ric was diagnosed "pity parties are short term, don't let the party last too long, life still needs to be lived, memories still need to be made." Now, if I could just take her advice this week.

Pamela said...

I don't think it is unusual to believe that miracles happen to other people, and not to us.

Well, you're in luck Missy Mert.. because to me, you are the other people that I'm believing will get theirs!

I'm here to remind you about all the life, love, hope, and all that stuff that you four have in the hugs I'm always reading about here.