And Then I'd Just Feel A Blog Post

I was talking to a good friend the other night and she showed me one of her new blogs, and as I read and savored her words we talked about blogging and what it meant to us. I told her a tale of what my blog once was: funny anecdotes about my girls, musings, deep dark stuff from my childhood.

I told her about how my readership grew as I formed relationships with my favorite bloggers and how we nurtured each other with our words, cheering each other on in our comments- and in some cases, forming unbreakable friendships. I explained that I had BlogHer ads after my Google ranking grew, which in a way was the beginning of the end. I was so busy reading other blogs I hardly had time to write. And if I did take time to write I neglected my reading... and in the end it became a chore.

I noticed some bloggers wouldn't comment on my blog unless I commented on theirs. When my stats would waver I would become sullen and depressed. I asked myself why I couldn't make money like all the edgy or pretty blogs that had designer templates. I stared at my computer screen begging words to come and was too ambivalent to read even my favorite blogs. I grew tired of blogging because I felt as though I was selling my soul just to have people read and/or respond.

Hearing her talk about starting her blogs brought back all those memories and feelings since starting this blog almost 6 years ago. It made me think about the one day I took my anger out on another blogger that had happened to feel a reciprocal fondness for me. He had said some idiotic things about women, mostly in jest on his blog... which he had every right to do. Well, as they say hell hath no fury and in my rage I said some very hurtful things. In the end as a result, several blogging friendships went by the wayside that day.

But my friend... she talked about writing on a whim. Speaking her truth. Spreading love and inquiring about the ways of the world in such a way that I can only describe as "Uniquely KingyoHime".

Ahhh, I miss those old days when a blank screen was welcomed and craved. A time before ads and stats, writing for the pure pleasure of hearing my words clacking away (on whatever computer I could get my hands on during Emma's naps). Ultimately for the very pleasure of making myself giggle with the hopes that at least one other person in the cosmos enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed sharing.

Maybe for a little while I will just enjoy the feeling it gives me to read the musings of a kindred spirit, and maybe I will comment because something that I read amused me, made me ponder, or made feel a connection across the unknown.

I hope that one day I write again with joy and fervor (when I'm not baby rearing), the words falling out of my head and straight to the screen just like the old days. I can only describe that feeling with a quote from one of my favorite books- I would love to write again in this way :

"If I really wanted to pray I’ll tell you what I'd do. I'd go out into a great big field all alone or in the deep, deep woods and I'd look up into the sky - up, up, up - into that lovely blue sky that looks as if there was no end to its blueness. And then I'd just feel a prayer." ~L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)

It is a lovely thought, isn't it? Miss KingyoHime, thank you for your light, your love, and your inspiration. Always.

And for my friends that still love, honor and humor me after all these bloggin' years- if I may be so corny... The feeling is mutual. Joy to you!

Words

Why is it that the words of a stranger, someone you've never even laid eyes on- can hurt so bad?

I have to admit that I am not innocent when it comes to this. A few months ago I went off on a rant about how I thought the opinion of another person was basically misogynistic and unwarranted, and this persons opinions I felt affected me... over a silly blog award I was nominated for (along with many others). Even though I thought that I was justified in my own opinion... what I said was hurtful to this other person.

I tried to apologize, but to no avail. The damage was done. I'm a hot head, what can I say? The way in which I voiced my opinion was very hard and cold.
But I did try to make things right, despite feeling that the only thing I had done wrong was to voice my opinion in cyber space where this person (who I thought didn't read my blog anymore) could find it...

I had started a post but deleted it, a post in which I tried to figure out why words from internet acquaintances hurt and cut so deep.

Recently someone commented on my blog about something very silly, but they didn't see it as silly. They typed four simple words that I tried to shake off. It hurt. I was told in so many words that I was messed up.

Those four words have been bothering me for over 2 weeks now. While living life without an internet connection, I contemplated giving it up. I wonder to myself how I could let a stranger affect me so. ***BTW, don't bother to find the post/comments, I deleted the whole thing already***

Here is my theory. There is a safety to living a life on the net, in written words. In the web and blogoshpere, you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets. You can face you demons and be more honest than you would dare to be in real life, with your friends and family. I have noticed this bizarre phenomenon where complete strangers bond, and become dear friends. On the net we learn to trust people with our heart and soul, something we are sometimes unable to achieve in the real world.

Just like in real life, blunt and hurtful words can cut to the quick of a persons soul... and considering my theory that people tend to be more open and honest on the net, enabling people to make deep friendships in little time... those words can hurt even more.

So, here we are being brutally honest with each other in cyber space, and sometimes just downright brutal. We are opening ourselves up and entrusting our deepest feelings to the unknown- feelings that we sometimes cannot bear to share with our own loved ones... and when that trust is betrayed, the outcome can be devastating.

I'm all for honesty. I think if you have been reading my blog for a while you might have noticed that I try my hardest to lay it all out there and be accountable ( and the fact that I am incredibly dorky, and try not to take myself too seriously). I learned a lesson months ago, and this lesson has been revisited by the tables being turned on me.

I learned the hard way that somethings just can't be taken back, no matter how hard you try. Revisiting the mistake that was made months ago, and the realization that I came to... because of four words.

I made a vow to myself to keep my rants to myself when it comes to someone who has the slightest chance of reading my blog, and instead I bend the husbands ear. I still rant, just not via keyboard.

No matter how justified you feel, it's not worth hurting another person over, and in 10 years it wont matter.

So no matter how much four words can hurt a person, I refuse to lash out (like before), this person is entitled to think that I'm messed up. That's their opinion. If that is what they come away with from reading my blog, my honesty and dorkiness... there is not much I can to to convince them otherwise.

I'm thinking though that if this person was really the blogging friend they claimed to be, they never would have commented that way and in such a public manner... on my own blog.

I have been struggling with my worth, what my value is to the blogosphere since those four words. I know that my blog hasn't been as positive as I would like it to be, and that I have gone a little down hill. When I started this blog I was trying to be something that I wasn't. Then I realized that was wasn't being real, and that was why people weren't commenting or coming back. I decided to try to change myself for the better, some days are better than others, but after a year I am comfortable in my blogging skin. This the real me... in all my sarcastic, dorky, and brutally honest glory. I can only be me, and if someone looks at what I am after all of that and tell me that I am messed up... OUCH.

But ya know, this person never got the real me to begin with, or I was never going to be good enough.

I vowed to myself ( after my rant fiasco a few months back) to try my absolute best to be kind, and if I don't agree with something to try to bite my tongue and move on. If I really have the need to express my opposing opinion on something another person has written, especially something that has hurt me or offended me, perhaps it's best handled via private communications.

It's just not worth it.