And Then I'd Just Feel A Blog Post

I was talking to a good friend the other night and she showed me one of her new blogs, and as I read and savored her words we talked about blogging and what it meant to us. I told her a tale of what my blog once was: funny anecdotes about my girls, musings, deep dark stuff from my childhood.

I told her about how my readership grew as I formed relationships with my favorite bloggers and how we nurtured each other with our words, cheering each other on in our comments- and in some cases, forming unbreakable friendships. I explained that I had BlogHer ads after my Google ranking grew, which in a way was the beginning of the end. I was so busy reading other blogs I hardly had time to write. And if I did take time to write I neglected my reading... and in the end it became a chore.

I noticed some bloggers wouldn't comment on my blog unless I commented on theirs. When my stats would waver I would become sullen and depressed. I asked myself why I couldn't make money like all the edgy or pretty blogs that had designer templates. I stared at my computer screen begging words to come and was too ambivalent to read even my favorite blogs. I grew tired of blogging because I felt as though I was selling my soul just to have people read and/or respond.

Hearing her talk about starting her blogs brought back all those memories and feelings since starting this blog almost 6 years ago. It made me think about the one day I took my anger out on another blogger that had happened to feel a reciprocal fondness for me. He had said some idiotic things about women, mostly in jest on his blog... which he had every right to do. Well, as they say hell hath no fury and in my rage I said some very hurtful things. In the end as a result, several blogging friendships went by the wayside that day.

But my friend... she talked about writing on a whim. Speaking her truth. Spreading love and inquiring about the ways of the world in such a way that I can only describe as "Uniquely KingyoHime".

Ahhh, I miss those old days when a blank screen was welcomed and craved. A time before ads and stats, writing for the pure pleasure of hearing my words clacking away (on whatever computer I could get my hands on during Emma's naps). Ultimately for the very pleasure of making myself giggle with the hopes that at least one other person in the cosmos enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed sharing.

Maybe for a little while I will just enjoy the feeling it gives me to read the musings of a kindred spirit, and maybe I will comment because something that I read amused me, made me ponder, or made feel a connection across the unknown.

I hope that one day I write again with joy and fervor (when I'm not baby rearing), the words falling out of my head and straight to the screen just like the old days. I can only describe that feeling with a quote from one of my favorite books- I would love to write again in this way :

"If I really wanted to pray I’ll tell you what I'd do. I'd go out into a great big field all alone or in the deep, deep woods and I'd look up into the sky - up, up, up - into that lovely blue sky that looks as if there was no end to its blueness. And then I'd just feel a prayer." ~L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)

It is a lovely thought, isn't it? Miss KingyoHime, thank you for your light, your love, and your inspiration. Always.

And for my friends that still love, honor and humor me after all these bloggin' years- if I may be so corny... The feeling is mutual. Joy to you!

You heard it here first!

I just read this blog post on AOL giving information to the authorities, and for the record I feel comfortable with this. I think if you find that one person is researching such content that it is at least worth looking into...

Except if it comes to me. Just for the record, Federal Bureau of Investigations, the reason why you or Google might have noticed me trolling your site is because I am writing a book for NaNoWriMo. Honestly.

Also, my google searches for: Barrett M107 Sniper Rifles, Glocks, Military Surplus, hit man lingo, FBI locations in California, ways to say that someone has been killed, how long does it take to bleed out from a groin wound, female assassins, military bases and addresses in southern California, search warrants etc, etc, etc...

these are just searches I am doing for my novel. By the way, besides aving one FBI character that is kind of a slob, I promise that all of the other Bureau characters are written with the utmost reverence and taste.

I promise you that the only thing I'm planning on murdering besides the English language, is ironically a character named English. Besides I love my family and friends. The ones I don't like are hardly worth the trouble.

So Google and Blogger (who is owned by Google), before you turn me in to the feds check out my other blog where my book currently resides... it's all there.

Nervously yours,
~mert

Ten thousand down, forty thousand to go...

This is my brain...


This is my brain in NaNo.

Any qwestions?


Oh, rite... not much diffarhrent I guess, only my speeling is noticeably more horribowl with speel check.

And not only am I slightlee more dorky ( and adorable, I think), but my powers of procrastynation are increeesed 10 fohld. ;) *drool*


I seem to be having more luck with posting on my blog. Dern, I should have done NaBloPoMo.

One more thing... does this picture make my nose look big?

Manic Monday : Earth

The Teach was kind enough to drop by today, and she reminded me that it is Manic Monday! How on the earth could I forget Manic Monday?

Well, I'll tell you... I have been asking myself how on the earth I got myself into this NaNoWriMo mess, but being a woman of my word and being that I am trying to stop being so pessimistic and more positive, well, I have to do it. Right?

My brain is feeling fuzzy. I have a feeling that i may have very well written everything I could over the weekend and there simply isn't anything left in there to write;)

Here is the Peace Globe that i will be posting about on November 7th:

And since my brain is devoid of any intelligent word groupings (I'm only on my first cup of coffee), here are 2 of my favorite desktops:

Thanks to Mo for hosting such a wonderful meme, even though today is one of my more lack luster contributions.

Who, me?

Mr. Dorky Dad gave this to me last week, he thinks that I hit the mark and "touch a range of emotions" . Way cool. He even believes that I deserve and exclamation mark after my screen name. Even better!

Well Dorky Dad, you couldn't have picked a better award for me. I have been known to make splotchy stains just like the one in the graphic, usually on the front of my shirt.

PS- Dude, I'm jealous of your cat's @ss award. :D

Also- I say with humility, because I know there is humiliation on the horizon- I am proud mildly amused happy to say that I have part of a plot worked out for the NaNoWriMo coming up next month. My husband enjoyed talking to me about this, which I in turn enjoyed because I got something other than a grunt over a game controller. ;)

My [attempt at a] novel will have a little something for everyone: There will guns and gritty, dirt stained testosterone for the guys, love interests and soul searching for the gals, and fluffy bunnies and rainbows for the kids.

OK, maybe not the last part, but I hope there will be some humor/sarcasm too.

Believe it or not, sometimes the toughest part- aside from actually coming up with a basic plot- is coming up with character names. I lucked out this time because a plot came to me through a pair of rhyming words that have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Intrigued? Good. I hope to let you guys read snippets here and there, I'll keep you posted.

On that note, since NaNoWriMo is a month long process (starting November 1st) you can expect to see fewer posts from me. The upside? That means I will be visiting you more, during bouts of writers cramp and/or block.

Ain't you the lucky one.

NaNoWriMo?

***Scroll down for Wordless Wednesday***Well, I'm taking the plunge :D I have an idea for a book that was inspired by writing snippets for 3 Word Wednesday. I stopped writing for the usual reasons, I chickened out. I am trying to get over my "fear of failure" (you know, the one that my mother bludgeoned me over the head with any chance she got), and so this is my way of kicking Fear Of Failure right in the junk ;)

Wish me luck!

It's only 50,000 words, no big deal right? Here is my profile page if you would like to be my writing buddy there at the NaNoWriMo headquarters.

Anybody want to talk the plunge with me?

Money for Nothing: a book review

***Wordless Wednesday post below***

I was offered a chance to review a few books, but just from reading the title of this book I was hooked. I will admit that I am one of millions who plays the lottery, and though I do not play on a regular basis I still get a thrill; so the idea of reading about the dark side to business was intriguing.

Throughout the book Ugel struggles with the morality of the Lottery Buyout Business, but he also gets into the more technical underbelly of what he assures the reader is the full fledged business- the lottery. He describes where the money made from the lottery is actually used and the way in which it divided in most states, and he describes the fact that in most states the money that is supposed to go towards a state's education is actually divided differently. Yes, the lottery does give the state their yearly cut, but it is the state who chooses to take the money, cut back and reallocate state funds to compensate. Where is this money going? Good question.

In this fascinating book, the author Edward Ugel also recounts his life before the business and the aftermath of his actions towards hundreds of lottery winners... and himself. Ugel is quite frank about what it means to really win these days for most people, which is to end up flat broke months after winning the lottery because they make the mistake of taking yearly annuity instead of a lump sum payout. He describes the good, bad and the ugly of lottery winners by giving many examples of the type of clients he normally bought lottery winnings from by buying their next lottery check (for a cut of course), so that the winners could get their hands on the money they so desperately needed. Out of seeing a need, The Firm was born.

The most important thing to take away from reading his book, and something the author stresses periodically throughout the book? Take a lump payment. With an annuity, you don't earn interest on the money the lottery owes you, and though 200 grand a year for 20 years may seem like a lot- in the end you have to consider inflation and the value that dollar will have in 20 years. 200 grand isn't going to be worth what it is today.

If you play the lottery even on occasion, I highly recommend this book. It's filled with insightful information, grit and many funny anecdotes about his life in the industry. To read more reviews of this book, click the image to go to Amazon.com. Happy reading!

If you are interested in reading this book, let me know in comments. I will mail it to the the first person to ask for it. ;)

Words

Why is it that the words of a stranger, someone you've never even laid eyes on- can hurt so bad?

I have to admit that I am not innocent when it comes to this. A few months ago I went off on a rant about how I thought the opinion of another person was basically misogynistic and unwarranted, and this persons opinions I felt affected me... over a silly blog award I was nominated for (along with many others). Even though I thought that I was justified in my own opinion... what I said was hurtful to this other person.

I tried to apologize, but to no avail. The damage was done. I'm a hot head, what can I say? The way in which I voiced my opinion was very hard and cold.
But I did try to make things right, despite feeling that the only thing I had done wrong was to voice my opinion in cyber space where this person (who I thought didn't read my blog anymore) could find it...

I had started a post but deleted it, a post in which I tried to figure out why words from internet acquaintances hurt and cut so deep.

Recently someone commented on my blog about something very silly, but they didn't see it as silly. They typed four simple words that I tried to shake off. It hurt. I was told in so many words that I was messed up.

Those four words have been bothering me for over 2 weeks now. While living life without an internet connection, I contemplated giving it up. I wonder to myself how I could let a stranger affect me so. ***BTW, don't bother to find the post/comments, I deleted the whole thing already***

Here is my theory. There is a safety to living a life on the net, in written words. In the web and blogoshpere, you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets. You can face you demons and be more honest than you would dare to be in real life, with your friends and family. I have noticed this bizarre phenomenon where complete strangers bond, and become dear friends. On the net we learn to trust people with our heart and soul, something we are sometimes unable to achieve in the real world.

Just like in real life, blunt and hurtful words can cut to the quick of a persons soul... and considering my theory that people tend to be more open and honest on the net, enabling people to make deep friendships in little time... those words can hurt even more.

So, here we are being brutally honest with each other in cyber space, and sometimes just downright brutal. We are opening ourselves up and entrusting our deepest feelings to the unknown- feelings that we sometimes cannot bear to share with our own loved ones... and when that trust is betrayed, the outcome can be devastating.

I'm all for honesty. I think if you have been reading my blog for a while you might have noticed that I try my hardest to lay it all out there and be accountable ( and the fact that I am incredibly dorky, and try not to take myself too seriously). I learned a lesson months ago, and this lesson has been revisited by the tables being turned on me.

I learned the hard way that somethings just can't be taken back, no matter how hard you try. Revisiting the mistake that was made months ago, and the realization that I came to... because of four words.

I made a vow to myself to keep my rants to myself when it comes to someone who has the slightest chance of reading my blog, and instead I bend the husbands ear. I still rant, just not via keyboard.

No matter how justified you feel, it's not worth hurting another person over, and in 10 years it wont matter.

So no matter how much four words can hurt a person, I refuse to lash out (like before), this person is entitled to think that I'm messed up. That's their opinion. If that is what they come away with from reading my blog, my honesty and dorkiness... there is not much I can to to convince them otherwise.

I'm thinking though that if this person was really the blogging friend they claimed to be, they never would have commented that way and in such a public manner... on my own blog.

I have been struggling with my worth, what my value is to the blogosphere since those four words. I know that my blog hasn't been as positive as I would like it to be, and that I have gone a little down hill. When I started this blog I was trying to be something that I wasn't. Then I realized that was wasn't being real, and that was why people weren't commenting or coming back. I decided to try to change myself for the better, some days are better than others, but after a year I am comfortable in my blogging skin. This the real me... in all my sarcastic, dorky, and brutally honest glory. I can only be me, and if someone looks at what I am after all of that and tell me that I am messed up... OUCH.

But ya know, this person never got the real me to begin with, or I was never going to be good enough.

I vowed to myself ( after my rant fiasco a few months back) to try my absolute best to be kind, and if I don't agree with something to try to bite my tongue and move on. If I really have the need to express my opposing opinion on something another person has written, especially something that has hurt me or offended me, perhaps it's best handled via private communications.

It's just not worth it.

A fat chick's perspective

I just wanted to let you all know that I started a new blog for myself... I am going to try to lose some weight. Instead of boring you all with my trials and tribulations in the war on adipose here, I will bore you on another blog. :D

If you want a fat chick's perspective ( and the skinny on being fat in today's world), you can read my new blog A Skinny Girl Trapped In A Fat Chick's Body. If nothing else, you can stop by and cheer me on. ;)

3 Word Wednesday

*** Edit to add: I don't know what is going on with BLOOGER, but every time I have posted today, it automatically marks my post as "no comments". Sorry about that guys, I just realized that Blooger had struck again. Comments are open. And yes, I meant to type BLOOGER. ;) ***

Please scroll down for Wordless Wednesday.

I have seen this a few times around the blogosphere, and thought I would give it a try... Man, is my Wednesday chock full of meme's or what? Quoted from the site:

Three Word Wednesday

Each week, I will post three (or more) random words. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write something using all of those words. It can be a few lines, a story, a poem, anything. This is a writing exercise. It doesn't have to be perfect. The idea is to let your mind wander and write what it will.

This week's words are:
Hoarse
Bended
Downtown

And away we go!

I was feeling a little hoarse after tonight's little adventure. Who would have thought that finding Hope would have been so trying on my body and spirits. That thought occurred to me tonight as I sat at the bar, and I laughed to myself. Finding hope, something I had been trying to do for years... And yet even now, Hope eluded me.

Sitting on the worn tan bar stool, with it's frayed and broken vinyl poking me in the lower back, I realized that at first glance this dump was straight out of the 70's. Judging from the shape this place was in, including the worn down bar with its dirty and smudged brass rail, and the mirrored panels behind the bar- I was right.

As I bended to reposition my catch-all messenger's bag, I noticed a match book poking out from under a loose edge of the bar, and even in the dim light I could see it had something scrawled on it. Eyeballing me suspiciously, the bartender slammed down my Rum and Coke on the greasy bar in front of me.

"Five fifty," he practically growled at me. Pulling a twenty out of my back pocket, I realized I stuck out worse than a Trekkie at a Hell's Angel convention.

Surveying the room, I cleared my throat and thanked him, avoiding eye contact. all eyes were on me, I was sure of it. Even from the darkest corners of the room, I could feel them watching me.

Hope, where are you- I wondered to myself... I don't know how much longer I'm going to survive in this joint.

I slowly fingered the match book as I leaned over the filth of the bar, pretending to desperately need another cocktail napkin. Just as my breasts concealed my hand I pulled it free and palmed on my right thigh.

I didn't want to risk reading it here and drawing more attention to myself. On the other hand I certainly didn't want to risk going into what they probably referred to as a bathroom, I could only imagine the filth I would find there. I also didn't want to miss my chance to get a glimpse of this Hope person. I had so many questions that needed to be answered, and I knew that I had to befriend her somehow.

This was the only place downtown she was known to haunt, though not on any regular basis I had heard. I just hoped that tonight was the night because at that point I didn't know how much longer she had to live.



To check out other 3WW's click the link above. So, what did you think?