Here I am. I just am, nothing more... nothing less. Is that it, really*?
*Hang on for a minute and take a little journey with me. I know I am going to upset a few people, the journey may get a little cloudy but I assure you there is a patch of sunshine waiting just over the ridge. Ready? Take my hand... I'm moving slower these days. I promise I wont go any faster than what the terrain calls for.
I was in the shower this morning thinking about how my life has changed since almost 2 weeks ago; peaks and valleys of mood, state of body and mind being so interconnected. I am finding things that are working a little for me and I am willing to accept that. I am open to these brief windows of being of less pain but not painless. I gave up on that notion a long time ago.
My mind wandered to that phrase[s] that has bothered me so much in my life.
"All things happen for a reason."
"There is a reason why you are going through this, it's to teach you something."
"God never gives us more than we can handle."
The one that really gets to me was stated by Oprah, "I trust that everything happens for a reason, even when we're not wise enough to see it."
I cannot believe this to be true. I was once an Oprah-phile. That statement was the beginning of the end for me. I do not, cannot believe that God intended for all the horrible things that have happened in my life. I refuse to believe that he looked through time and decided that I would be sexually abused, physically and emotionally tormented by the ones who were supposed to care for me.
The flaw in this thinking- if you dare to consider it that way- is that it takes away accountability to the perpetrators. It points the finger at a God I would not want to love, or expect love from. Why would I trust in a God like that? But ultimately there is no free will in that line of thought
Whether or not you believe in a god, or my God... this thinking is destructive. It's passive and is almost an invitation for bad things to happen. "Que sera sera".
So I guess this means that I don't believe in destiny or fate. Logically,if my choices are already predestined and predertmined then they cannot be choices. I should be an unfeeling robot, waiting for life to happen since I would then really have no choice.
But I do.
I thought about how much all those phrases bothered me, and pondered the fact that despite detesting the very core of all of those blurbs... I am learning something from this experience. But I am choosing to.
I could waste my days crying over this new obstacle, this fallen tree in my path. I could choose to collapse against it's insurmountable weight . Or I can choose to grab at one of those branches beside me and pull myself up, and look for ways around it to get back to the road I am choosing to take.
In a matter of a few minutes I had all these thoughts swirling around me.
Today, despite all that this illness entails... I am choosing to have a good day. I choose to be a compassionate human being in the face of my own adversities. I am going to choose to pay forward a heart full of gratitude, to sacrifice my own self pity in hopes that what tries to disable my body will not disable my heart and all that I have to offer.
I am choosing to be, rather than just I am.
Stay tuned for part two, it's gonna be a doozey! :D