Tuesday, April 10, 2012


I'm hoping there is a light at the end of this tunnel; I know tomorrow's doctor visit is just the beginning of finding out what is going on with my body.

I wonder if he will send me to a rheumatologist?

I basically feel like I have the flu[s]. I am so tired, my body aches in different spots, sometimes all at once. I have lower stomach aches every time I need to use the restroom, and I often become nauseated. That coupled with CONSTANT heartburn and the fact that I fell yesterday (I am feeling the affects of that on the right side, the side I fell on)...

I can feel myself slipping into a depression. I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life, but it's not my choice.

I feel like my constant complaining is annoying to my family, and they tune me out. So I choose to suffer in silence. They ask me what's wrong. I say "nothing".

My 20 month old is going through an extremely clingy phase just like the other 2 did. I find I cannot walk 5 feet, let alone leave the room for a few minutes without him whining, crying or going full tilt. It makes me more anxious... I feel so trapped in so many ways.

The things I choose to concentrate on  are giving my kids hugs and telling them I love them, thanking them for helping me when I ask- even if they help me begrudgingly. I have been trying to be affectionate with my husband but I'm not sure he notices (or cares) , which makes me desperately sad. BUT... my kids accept my love and soak it in. That will have to do for now :)

Tonight I get to polish some jewelry I have up for sale in a salon in town, bring in a table for the vintage teacup candles I have made and a table to display them on. I also hope to get in a few new pieces as well.

I'm hanging on to the glimmers and glimpses of hope, and in the meantime I try not to be too anxious about wondering what my doc will have to say.

I hope you have a peaceful day, wherever you are.


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