That's life - OR- I need a vacation

Sooooo..... Long time no see huh? I bet the 4 people that still read my blog might be wondering what I have been up to lately, and to those 4 lovely people (who I am very very grateful for!!!) I would like to say this: My life is complete chaos right now.

Which I suppose for some people is normal, but for me that hasn't been true for a very long time. Since I was a kid actually, but compared to that my life is a song.

Emma's birthday was on the 30th, and we had a very small party for her. If you remember, I was able to talk the little booger into having a princess party:

I feel bad because I didn't actually make her cake, but I had to work the 2 days before her birthday.... my MIL bought the cake and I decorated it at least :) She didn't have a nap that day since her party fell on her nap time, but later she crashed out on the couch while sitting with Anna and me. I thought back and realized that 3 years to the day, she was sleeping just like that I am sure.

NOW...

Of course the MISU didn't bother to tell me he was taking a pic of me too, so I was doing the "let me smoosh myself way back so I'm not in the pic, while unfortunately making my double chin look ginourmous" thing. *SNORT*

And then :D

Since her birthday, I have been working A LOT. I only wanted to work 3 days a week but I have been working a lot more, and I just worked 5 days in a row at The T. Just when I started to get used to working in retail, and getting used to the rhythms of the sales floor, I go and do something stupid like asking to be cross trained in the "Food Avenue"... which came at a very bad time as 2 regular kitchen employees have quit to move to another state. So, I trained last weekend and have a total of 4 food area shifts already this week. When I asked to be trained there, several supervisors (including the HR) pounced on me, saying, "So you wanna work at Food Ave, huh? Do ya? Do ya? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

I should have known right then- as I stood there gagging at the stench of sheer desperation coming down the hall at me- to run in the other direction pleading temporary insanity.

Really.

I thought I'd train so that I could get an extra shift here and there... not to replace a Food Ave employee. Clearly I need to talk to HR about this if they continue to schedule me more than once a week, though they told me I had a lot of shifts because someone was on vacation. We shall see.

Actually, I have 2 more food shifts this week, then one next week... so I called yesterday for them to make a notation to NOT schedule any more food shifts for me until I figure out whether or not I like it.

Anyway, other than that I have contemplated giving up blogging. I have little time to write, and no time to read my favorite blogs, AND given that I am so miserably behind in both seems overwhelming to me... which kills any desire to blog at all.

I am sure that you, dear reader, have been here at this very cross road. My readership is way down because I haven't been posting, and as much as I hate to admit it, readership relies almost completely on "popularity" and reader reciprocation- meaning that there seems to be a certain algebraic equation to popularity, and I am horrible at math now. Also, if you don't have the said algebraic components and digits, then fail to reciprocate comments... yer done.

I just don't have the energy to prostitute myself for comments/readership right now. What I mean by THAT is I have begged, pleaded and apologized in the past for not reading/reciprocating, and I have tried to "fix" things by spending hours reading other blogs to play catch up or to try to save face. This has no bearing on those blogs I read, and they (the blog owners) are not to blame, and they are not to blame for the guilt that I used to feel.

This is just how I feel about it all.

But honestly? That's life. Often times we find ourselves in situations where we have to choose and sacrifice, and sometimes we have to scrape away the extraneous and unproductive parts of our lives to really discover what we are made of. I don't feel guilty, just sad. I don't want to lose touch with friends that I have made blogging, but again that's life. Just like in real life, sometimes you lose friends despite your best efforts. Sometimes people outgrow relationships.

For me, right now at this moment, I am not sure where blogging fits into my life. So much so that I forgot my 2 year bloggiversary on February 6th. And on a side note, since starting [to] work [my @ss off], I have lost more weight. I'm down 20 lbs, y'all!

This part of my post is in no way meant to offend, and I hope it doesn't. Like I said, this is about me. At the end of the day, I have to decide what is more important; blogging or spending what little time I have with my kids on the days I work now, since I go to work about 45 minutes after Anna gets home from school and come home after their bedtimes. But also it has a lot to do with me not wanting to put those pressures on myself anymore, life is too short.

I do know this though... there are a few of you peeps who have stuck with me through thick and thin, crazy outburst and tyrannical/maniacal rants. Thank you so much for your love and support! Don't worry, I will make time for you, I promise (sorry I haven't emailed you back Factor 10 Jen, Ash and Michelle). It may not happen for a while until I have a decent stretch of days off, but know I am thinking about you.

Finally, trying to start a sewing business then getting a job was a really bad idea. I have no energy left for my basic housework let alone sewing. I have nothing so far for my web site: there is no design yet, and I have little product to show for the last 4 months. I'm not sure if I should even venture or risk it since I thought that maybe I could get business by posting pictures of my wares here on my blog, but as you can see I don't even have time for regular posts.

I hope to update here and there, but if I have no activity... well I guess ASP will have to close up shop.

Like I said, my life is chaos right now...We'll see how it goes.

I know you understand.

If I were a superstitious woman...

I would take this as a really bad sign, and we would just go ahead and buy a gun and be done with it.

I'm talking about the fact that Anna seems to already have a fan club. I mean really, though I have never thought myself to be beautiful, as a teen I wasn't too hard on the eye- but now that I'm 38 I often wonder just how these 2 beautiful girls of mine came to be. John says the same thing.

"How did we (meaning 2 ugly old farts like us) ever make such beautiful girls."

Of course for just a moment, I reacted like you would expect.

"Gee, thanks, honey."

I'm sure I rolled my eyes too, but I laughed because I knew he was right. We ain't spring chickens, ya know. We got started late in life. Sure we , married young and thank God- I tell him- at least we got to enjoy each other while we were still semi-hot. ;)

Roww-rowwwww, Hunka hunka!

Awww, poor guy! Married for a half hour and already looking exhausted.
If he only knew! Oh well, hindsight, right?
BTW, we'll be married 19 years this coming June 3rd.
SCARY! Man, am I rockin' the 80's hair or what?

Anywho...... digression, digression, a tangent, digression... Oh, right, Anna. I asked Anna a few days ago if she still had an admirer at school. Anna told us that the little testosterone filled trouble maker at school still swoons at the sight of her, and usually says a very quick "I love you" as he passes by her desk.

I snorted.

Then she said very casually that most of the boys in her class are "crushin' on her". One boy likes to ask her, "Hey, hot baby... how's it goin'?"

I guffawed.

Good lord folks, who is teaching these kids one liners? Joey Tribbiani? *How you doin'?*

Another boy likes to tell her "You look sexy".

I had a stroke.


Ummmmmmmm, 'scuse me? *sigh* I think I may have mentioned this once ot twice before.

We are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo in trouble.

***More news on my cousin***

Hey y'all... I JUST got this email from my aunt a few minutes ago... I can't say it any better than she did so here is her email:

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who prayed for my daughter and my family. She has had a hard 3 months of testing and waiting for results.

The long and short of it is that the doctor who took the tissue sample and said it was cancer a few weeks ago, said on Monday after looking at the X-rays and second set of blood test results she could no longer find the tumor. The doctor had Rachel go right then for an MRI.

When the doctor read the MRI she told Rachel that she must have a very powerful God because the cancer is no longer there. I believe it is a miracle, she has had a network of people praying for her from the start.

Her doctor did say that she has infection where the tumor was and that her spleen is very enlarged. So she is on a heavy dose of antibiotics for 7 days, she has to rest and the doctor want's to see her every 2 weeks for the next 3 months to make sure she is still cancer free.

So from the bottom of my heart thank you for your prayers and yes we do have an Awesome God and a wonderful Savior who does answer the prayers of His children.

Yvonne

I was so floored when I read this email, I let out a scream! Tears immediately ensued, of course. ;)

Again, I cannot express... there are no words to adequately express how thankful I am for each and every one of you who took the time to pray for Rachel and her family.

When I wrote the first post about Rachel, I included some back ground on why I hadn't mentioned God in a while on my blog- but how I was resolved to resolve my issues with God because despite my past (and my feelings that He abandoned my brothers and I when we were children, my doubts and fears) because there was a larger, more important issue at hand. I realized My cousin was ill and she needed prayer, and that over shadowed any of my insecurities and doubt. And so, not wanting to make the post "about me", I edited my post feeling that in reality no explanation was needed. I didn't really need to give a reason why I had turned away from God because it wasn't important.

I felt that I didn't need to justify or explain away why suddenly I had become religious because those that felt compelled to pray would pray, and those that were offended would simply not read my blog anymore. Again, so unimportant in the grand scheme of things, especially when a loved one's life hangs in the balance.

I guess my point is this: Recently I told John that I had trouble trusting a God that would let us suffer at the hands of a person that pretended to be His faithful servant. A person who was in the choir and head of a prayer chain, someone who was relied on in the church. What had triggered all of this was visiting my brother 2 years ago and having him tell me things she did to him, horrible things. All of those years believing that he had had it better than me, when what she did to him ended up being so much worse.

But at the moment I found out about my cousin I decided that I was going to pray for complete healing. I wasn't messing around, I was going for the whole enchilada.

God does answer prayers. Sometimes not in the way that we wish, or in the time frame we desire, but He hears us and answers.

And sometimes, in His mysterious way... He preforms a miracle.

For my cousin, He healed her body.

For me? He healed my heart and restored my faith.

Today is good day. :)

My cousin Rachel

Please read my other post from today too! :D Scroll down for humor and Anna-isms. ;)

I just wanted to thank all of you who posted a comment, and all of you who are praying for my cousin. I really believe in prayer, and my aunt says that she is being strong... so I know all of your prayers are working. :) I told my aunt that it is no surprise, Rachel has always been strong. ;)

Her husband isn't doing quite as well, he is having a really hard time with it all. I told my aunt that I think men in general have a hard time with this sort of thing- I know John was a mess and tried to hide it when I had a caner scare over 4 years ago, when I found a huge mass on my right thyroid. Men are taught at a young age that they should ignore their feelings and just be a man, to grow up, where as us gals are given license to scream and cry from day one. So... if you guys could continue to pray for Matt as well, that would be great, thank you so much!

My aunt Yvonne will be letting my brother know the results of last week's test sometime this week, and she and my uncle flew out to Texas on Sunday. My aunt should also be finding out when Rachel is going to have surgery, so I will let you know.

Again, I can't thank you all enough, on behalf of my family and hers... It really means a lot to me that I can rely on the kindness of fellow bloggers.

Hugs, Mary (mert)