Friday, August 11, 2006

The Accidental Depressionist

Yeah, I know, it' not a real word. Get over it. :D After 18 years of debating on whether or not to watch the movie The Accidental Tourist, struggling with the thought that actually renting it may not be worth the money, and just missing the beginning of the movie by an hour and 45 minutes, I finally got to see it the night before last.

I was pleasantly surprised at 5 minutes after midnight, that I actually enjoyed it. It was touching, it was quirky and funny... best of all I didn't pay to see it. Man, were Gina Davis's teeth huge in this movie!

Ok, moving on...I wanted to say that the moment that I got up from my computer after finishing my last post, after obsessing about a new blog template for about 40 minutes, I had a bitter sweet epiphany. I stood to see my youngest sitting on her little Dora sofa, her attention fully intent on Al-bow (Elmo), and sadness and joy filled every fiber of my being. My oldest was in the dining room playing a game on her laptop, and I looked back and forth between them. As I stood behind Emma looking at her coppery-brown curls, and her dainty little neck, I realized life is just too short.

Years from now, no one will care what blog template I used or how many downloads I had in my Sims 2 folder. It means nothing, and there she sat alone and not alone while her mom wasted over an hour.

I read a book with her, snuggled a bit and then put her down for a nap.

I realized that I am a bit saddened, just as every mom is, to see their baby going through so many changes. Emma is quickly learning so many words each day. Yesterday she said tuddle (turtle), pish (fish), and dee (knee). Anna will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks, and I think back at all the time I wasted with her. Over nonsense, obsessing, house work... All the mistakes I made.

I think that we have so much on our plates right now, as far as: finding a house, buying a house, selling our house after we finish remodeling the bathroom, probably fixing the air conditioner because it has been puttering out on us here and there the last week, the owners of the house that we want to buy jerking our chains, our real estate agent not always looking out for our best interests, me being 36-almost 37 and still not having a drivers license, trying to find the time and energy to practice driving to get my license, our baby starting school and realizing that we can never go back... It's a lot to handle. I think I am just stressed out. I think the thought that for the next 13 years she will be spending the majority of her waking hours in school with other people is just the straw, you know?

I can only move on and hope that my actions now, this moment, will make up for it all. I try everyday not to be like my mother, but now that I have a second child my mistakes confront me like scarlet letters in a sea of black words. Each and every mistake is with me, and there are days when I ask her to forgive me. And she does, and at that moment I think about what a blessing she is, that despite all that I have done, God knew that we needed her.

I hope that one day she can forget the past ( like the time I ruined Easter, don't ask, loooong story... and the time I let her balloon slip out of my hands by accident, and especially the really hurtful things I did and said), and that she can realize that I tried my best to change not only for Em, but for her, too.

And just like last Saturday, while we watched the bride and groom have their first dance, I realize that time does indeed march on. One day she will be smiling at her dad and I over the shoulder of the man she loves, and it will all have been worth it. Probably as I sit sobbing over a plate of wedding cake. *smile*

For now though, I will settle for a smile over her shoulder as she enters school for the first time, as I wait to have my nervous breakdown until after the door closes behind her. *sigh* My baby is all grown up. Kinda.


Melzie said...

:*( wahhh. I understand I've been there and done that same thing before. And I understand the school thing BABY starts pre-k in one short week. ((hugs)) and welcome to blog chicks. I'll be back to peruse your blog again ;) xoxo melzie

Mert said...

Thanks Melzie for the warm welcom, School Anxious Mommies around the world, unite!