Thursday, August 10, 2006


I am feeling blue. I feel like I have no purpose besides cleaning and being a mom. I feel like I have no voice, that my mouth moves and stretches but no one hears. I feel like my wants are trivialized, that I am fodder and merely entertainment to those who think they are better than me.

I feel like nothing. I just want to crawl into a hole so that everyone forgets I exist, but I can't.

I have 2 kids who need my attention, care, love and domestic management skills. Hah, I made myself laugh.

I don't care who reads this, or if it is read at all. I only needed to express my thoughts and emotions in a way other than anger and tears. To purge myself makes me feel like I am in control, I feel empowered, and I know this is why I used to actually binge and purge years ago. Now, I am trying to do it in a more constructive manner.

I guess that is one thing to be proud of. I will never make myself bulimic again. Whatever stress I may have isn't worth destroying my body over. Well, at least not in that way.

There is always chocolate.

I have periods of slight depression, when my self worth is in the toilet... sometimes from external influences, sometimes not. I wonder sometimes if I am sick like her, my mother, and if I need medication. I struggle some days, I so do not want to be like her. At least I don't beat my kids. I am what I am, and cannot change some of it, except maybe chemically and spiritually. I have this fear that if I do take medication, it will mean that I am crazy, like her.

I am worth more than a momentary glance, a second of acknowledgement. I am worth so much more than the sum of my desirable body parts. I am worth more than my entertainment value. Yes, I am boring at times. Yes, I obsess about tedious things... but what about the good parts of me? Do my negatives out weigh the positives? Why is it that my tedium is less tolerable than others?

Gee, so far I am kicking the crap out of positivity.

Typing all of this has helped. Now my urge to explode into tiny droplets has subsided to a moderate ache in the back of my throat. Other than that, I feel almost nothing. Nothing at all.

Must go... doody calls. :O)

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