This just in: Sarcasm Girl Goes Cold Turkey!

Ok, my dear husband and I are starting a new thing to stop ourselves from trash-talking... It's a little thing called If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all. You may have heard of it? *snort* I am pretty sure that anyone with a mother has heard that one. Any way, we are trying really hard, to the point of clamping our mouths shut mid sentence and saying "nevermind". Since I have been dubbed Sarcasm Girl by my lovely and perceptively precocious 5 yr old, saying nothing is quite the daunting task.

We had a wise friend tell us one time that Christianity shouldn't be hard, not even 2nd nature. I get that, if you are a born again creature, Christianity is your nature. But I was thinking, the Bible doesn't call it the straight and narrow for nothing. Practice makes perfect, and even though we may not be perfect, we are going to give it a go.

We went to a wedding this last Saturday, believe it or not except for a few minor incidents we had a lot of fun. Usually at weddings, we kind of end up sitting by ourselves, feeling awkward. This was a sizable wedding, with at least 300 guests, many of which were related to my husband.

Here are a few things I learned this last Saturday:

*Given the opportunity, men will acknowlege your breasts, but not you as a whole human being.

*Even the smallest amount of visible cleavage is irresistible to the male species, including those that are related by marriage.

*Though the cut of the blouse may be flattering to your full figure, and may be the nicest blouse you own, your feelings of well being and attractiveness to your husband will be overshadowed by feelings shame and remorse (see above).

One incident in particular made me feel this way. My MIL and I were walking towards the beverage table, she stopped to talk to a family member. We talked for a few minutes, and as soon as my MIL turned to walk away his eyes went straight for my chest. I guess what bothered me was the fact that it was no accident, he was able to control himself until my MIL wasn't paying attention, then BINGO! I felt dirty, and very uncomfortable, and just wanted to rip one of the table cloths from one of the tables to cover myself.

I should have trusted my instincts, and that Voice that told me no. I struggled with that stupid blouse for 3 days, and asked my MIL and husband if it were inappropriate to show 3/4 inch of cleavage. I don't usually wear that sort of thing, and this blouse has been sitting in the closet for almost a year since John's class reunion. I modeled the shirt, they both said I looked fine. Actually, my husband said that I looked better than fine, and I hadn't felt that attractive in months. I should have known that if I didn't feel comfortable wearing it a year ago in front of strangers, that I certainly wouldn't feel that good about it in front of family.

My old self got my new self in trouble, and all I want to do is give my old self a good whack over the head with a shovel *LOL*.
Well, at the very least smack it in the forehead and say "DUH!".

I wish that there was a Christian designer out there that made clothes specifically for fuller figured Christian women. I know that when I go shopping, most of the plus sized clothes are made with older women in mind. I feel so matronly when I try to find something that fits, and I usually end up trying on clothes for 2 hours until finally giving up and buying the least awful outfit. I am only 36, I don't want huge flower prints and polyester. Is that too much to ask?

This experience has made me remember:

*That some situations can be completely avoided if you just listen to His voice.

*It's not really appropriate for a Christian woman to wear something that will obviously cause other people to sin.

*It is possible to avoid dropping food on your shirt for once, even while feeding cake to the 16 month old on your lap.

*Finally, wedding cake is the perfect ending for the slightly uncomfortable evening.