Saturday, December 29, 2007

Help me!

This Mary mert reporting from underneath 6 inches of freshly fallen snow in Eastern Iowa. You may have been wondering where I have been for the last week, and I am about to tell you harrowing tales, so put the kiddies in another room folks.

My captors forced me to do manual labor last night, in which I was made to go out in the cold in the dark and press together large clumps of snow. My dinner was stolen from me and placed on the smallest of the clumps, as were the buttons on my pants. Notice the gleeful smiles. Oh how they love to torture me!
I have just now dug my way out of a snow tunnel and am making my escape back into the house where I must then be interrogated, most likely with questions such as " Where is my HOT COCOA!", and "Why are there only 8 marshmallows and not 10?"

You may have been wondering why I haven't posted in a while, and I'll be honest. My captors have been keeping me under lock and key and only allowing me small meals in between making their meals.

About 4 days before Christmas I stayed up all hours of the night making ginger bread for the the tyrannical dictators that are my captors. "Gingerbread, when will you make the gingerbread!?!" We spent the next day putting together a miniature replica of this house they hold me in, but mostly they gorged themselves on chocolates and candies.

Most recently they had me scrubbing their toilets on Christmas Eve. Though I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone, I am just glad to be alive. My cell mate is severely ill, he is coughing and shivering and luckily they aren't quite as hard on him... but they do make him sit for hours playing a Winnie The Pooh video game, the same game they have forced him to play for months now. They are slowly breaking him down mentally I think, with constant images of rotund yellow bears and tiny pink piglets. Oh the horror.

On Christmas I got up at the crack o' to make the angry mob breakfast of their traditional holiday coffee cake, then was forced to endure over an hour of the sound of ripping paper and shrieking.
"High School Musical 2!"

"More High School Musical 2!"


"Even MORE High School Musical 2!"

Heh, heh... little do they know, I have my own tricks! Subliminal auditory suggestions via Disney music. ;)

Today my captors plan to have me hauling more clumps of snow in the cold, hopefully after I have had at least one cup of coffee. Stay tunes for more messages from the snowy trenches... I hope I last until the New Year.


Factor 10 said...

You've got what, a minimum of fifteen years more in captivity? Hang in there, sister!

But seriously, the Winnie the Pooh game for months on end? Cruel and unusual...

JHS said...

Thanks so much for participating in this week's Carnival of Family Life hosted at Pajama Mommy Community! Be sure to drop by and check out some of the other wonderful entries this week!