Irk me. Go ahead, make my day.

Just a short note to the people who tend to ignore the rules of polite society (that means YOU MIL):

1. When you repeatedly volunteer me because you are too lazy to do something yourself, that irks me.

2. This includes saving stuff for me or your son to do, and avoiding doing said things... until we are at your house. Let's say you have offered to let us take your car to 6 Flags on Sunday because your car is larger than ours, but you decide that the best time to clean out your car is the night before and after you have asked your son over for cake and ice cream. In the middle of a party.

3. And then volunteer me to take pictures at your party, AND to put flea medicine on your cat since I happen to be sitting down- and obviously with nothing better to do than enjoy a visit with family I haven't seen in a while. Sure, let me get right on that... it's not like I was in the middle of a conversation or anything.

4. On that note... It is NOT polite to scream my name at the top of your lungs and out through your nasal passages from across your apartment because YOU need to volunteer me for something else. I refuse to assist you in this case and will hold firm my ground if this should ever happen again. I'm not 8 years old and refuse to be summoned this way ever again.

5. Interrupting a conversation to insert random anecdotes about your favorite child, which is usually not even close to being a tangent to the current conversation... well it's rude and just a little bit nuts. Having lived with my own mother for 18 years,I know a little... just a smidge about nuts.

6. Whispering behind a hand about someone that is standing just feet away from you, all the while staring at them... that was cute I'm sure when you were 5. Seeing as you have 56 more years of life experience, I would expect that a person of your age would realize, cute? Not so much.

7. Your younger son is 37 years old, he can go buy beer if he wants. He's a big boy. And no, he doesn't need your permission after you telling him that he doesn't really need a beer. I can guarantee you that ironically, one WOULD need a beer in this situation- especially since you regularly keep wine in your fridge and you are being a HUGE hypocrite.

8. Oh, one more thing... it's not cute or EVER FREAKING funny to call an innocent child- let's say for example YOUR GRANDCHILD- fat or chubby, not even if you're *air quote* being funny or *air quote* just joking around. Not even when you yourself have lost every square inch of your fat rear and you don't have the slightest chance of being the slightest bit hypocritical, will it EVER be OK. *And especially not since you are annoyed with your innocent grand daughter because you took the liberty of buying her shirts without her being present, and are annoyed because the shirts you bought are too small and now you have to take your lazy carcass back to the store to return them.* The next time you do that (which would be -oh , lets say - incident #21), I will have to resort to such violence as punching you square in the face. I'll punch first and ask questions later because I have first hand knowledge of how damaging that can be to a child, and how they will carry it with them for the rest of their lives- no matter what weight they are.

OK, I wont really punch you BUT I will merely envision myself doing so as I drag your sorry butt into the kitchen and explain all of this to you, and while you stand there telling me why you think it's no big deal. I will refrain from bodily harm, but I may have to resort to reducing you to tears as I explain that you will not be welcome in this home unless you can stop being a self centered, self serving, and condescending idiot to your grand child.

All that stuff I wrote above? Yeah, don't do that. It annoys me.

I'm glad we had this talk, only I know it wont go as well when i actually have to tell you all of this because