Sunday, August 05, 2007

Irk me. Go ahead, make my day.

Just a short note to the people who tend to ignore the rules of polite society (that means YOU MIL):

1. When you repeatedly volunteer me because you are too lazy to do something yourself, that irks me.

2. This includes saving stuff for me or your son to do, and avoiding doing said things... until we are at your house. Let's say you have offered to let us take your car to 6 Flags on Sunday because your car is larger than ours, but you decide that the best time to clean out your car is the night before and after you have asked your son over for cake and ice cream. In the middle of a party.

3. And then volunteer me to take pictures at your party, AND to put flea medicine on your cat since I happen to be sitting down- and obviously with nothing better to do than enjoy a visit with family I haven't seen in a while. Sure, let me get right on that... it's not like I was in the middle of a conversation or anything.

4. On that note... It is NOT polite to scream my name at the top of your lungs and out through your nasal passages from across your apartment because YOU need to volunteer me for something else. I refuse to assist you in this case and will hold firm my ground if this should ever happen again. I'm not 8 years old and refuse to be summoned this way ever again.

5. Interrupting a conversation to insert random anecdotes about your favorite child, which is usually not even close to being a tangent to the current conversation... well it's rude and just a little bit nuts. Having lived with my own mother for 18 years,I know a little... just a smidge about nuts.

6. Whispering behind a hand about someone that is standing just feet away from you, all the while staring at them... that was cute I'm sure when you were 5. Seeing as you have 56 more years of life experience, I would expect that a person of your age would realize, cute? Not so much.

7. Your younger son is 37 years old, he can go buy beer if he wants. He's a big boy. And no, he doesn't need your permission after you telling him that he doesn't really need a beer. I can guarantee you that ironically, one WOULD need a beer in this situation- especially since you regularly keep wine in your fridge and you are being a HUGE hypocrite.

8. Oh, one more thing... it's not cute or EVER FREAKING funny to call an innocent child- let's say for example YOUR GRANDCHILD- fat or chubby, not even if you're *air quote* being funny or *air quote* just joking around. Not even when you yourself have lost every square inch of your fat rear and you don't have the slightest chance of being the slightest bit hypocritical, will it EVER be OK. *And especially not since you are annoyed with your innocent grand daughter because you took the liberty of buying her shirts without her being present, and are annoyed because the shirts you bought are too small and now you have to take your lazy carcass back to the store to return them.* The next time you do that (which would be -oh , lets say - incident #21), I will have to resort to such violence as punching you square in the face. I'll punch first and ask questions later because I have first hand knowledge of how damaging that can be to a child, and how they will carry it with them for the rest of their lives- no matter what weight they are.

OK, I wont really punch you BUT I will merely envision myself doing so as I drag your sorry butt into the kitchen and explain all of this to you, and while you stand there telling me why you think it's no big deal. I will refrain from bodily harm, but I may have to resort to reducing you to tears as I explain that you will not be welcome in this home unless you can stop being a self centered, self serving, and condescending idiot to your grand child.

All that stuff I wrote above? Yeah, don't do that. It annoys me.

I'm glad we had this talk, only I know it wont go as well when i actually have to tell you all of this because


CDPJ said...

Ugh! Mert what a weekend you had! In laws can be unbearable sometimes. I am personally avoiding mine as much as possible because, well, I'm afraid I might actually punch my FIL if he doesn't stop acting like a child... so I can sympathize. Glad you have a space to vent here, though. You know we're always here for you :-)

Dorky Dad said...

OK, MIL ... MIL ... Let's see. Those aren't my initials, thank God. Maybe it's somebody named Michelle Ignatius -Larson. If so, she's a real !@#$%

HowToMe said...

Oh, mercy. I privately (okay, I drug hubby into this privately also) went through something like this just after our first child was born. It has lasted for years, but given our close proximity to their house, things seem to be getting better. The good thing is that my mil says she adores me, even though I have a "flare up" every time she does. Maybe they are triggered by something. Hmmm. Anyway, if it weren't for God, I'm sure we'd have a very bad relationship. I know she loves the kids and we want her to be around them, but things do go haywire now and then. The one thought that gets me through is that despite the way everything seems to come off with her, I know she means well and loves us dearly. She'd give her life for us if it was asked of her. Just now and then, she gets a bad case of mean.

Hopefully letting you know that "Everybody Loves Raymond" happens in other families too will help you laugh some of this off. Other parts of it do need to be dealt with. Wishing you every success.

Daddy Forever said...

Your MIL must be related to the Butthead in our neighborhood.

kailani said...

Oh no, more MIL problems! I can totally relate! Hope the actual conversation went okay.

Anonymous said...

I to hope the talk to the MIL goes well. Fair warning is what I'd give her and having John there as witness when you tell her will show her that you and John agree on what she need's to hear.
Good job protecting your girls.

Aunt Yvonne

maggie said...

Merty, Mert, Mert, Mert!

You go girl. You tell her. I can't stand when people do that stuff to kids and the rest of the C@ap. What the heck.

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

UGH, ICKY Weekend it sounds like!! I agree with Aunt Yvonne, have John be present in telling the miserable MIL how you feel so she sees it's her son that feels that way too.

Virginia, like the state! said...

Eesh! Sorry your weekend went so badly! It helps to vent though! :) Hope things work out!

JenKneeBee said...

ouch! sounds like a truly terrible-no-good relative. good luck with your in person confrontation.

wolfbaby said...

I don't know if i'd have the guts to hold back ont he smacking the jerk for hurting the baby that way... not even close to being ok...

go ahead i'll cheer ya on... slap her silly

funny my in laws are very careful round me.. i wonder why *blink*

Jenster said...

Un-freakin-believable! Then again, I've had to have similar conversations with my MIL so maybe it's not so unbelievable.

Let's just say you did punch her in the face "accidentally". What would be the repercussions? Just curious.

Slackermommy said...

You poor thing. She sounds like a real nut job. I don't have a MIL but I have a few SIL's who do a great job as a stand-in MIL.

Holly Schwendiman said...

Oh the joys of family life. I'm sure you found more than one reader who can relate! Hope the world is better today!


Pamela said...

how did she raise such a nice son???

Sona said...

OMG - are you my long lost twin? Because your profile and your MIL rant struck a chord with me that could be heard around the world.

Did ya hear it?