Monday, December 31, 2007
How To Look Good Naked
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Help me!
This Mary mert reporting from underneath 6 inches of freshly fallen snow in Eastern Iowa. You may have been wondering where I have been for the last week, and I am about to tell you harrowing tales, so put the kiddies in another room folks.
My captors forced me to do manual labor last night, in which I was made to go out in the cold in the dark and press together large clumps of snow. My dinner was stolen from me and placed on the smallest of the clumps, as were the buttons on my pants. Notice the gleeful smiles. Oh how they love to torture me!
I have just now dug my way out of a snow tunnel and am making my escape back into the house
where I must then be interrogated, most likely with questions such as " Where is my HOT COCOA!", and "Why are there only 8 marshmallows and not 10?"
You may have been wondering why I haven't posted in a while, and I'll be honest. My captors have been keeping me under lock and key and only allowing me small meals in between making their meals.
About 4 days before Christmas I stayed up all hours of the night making ginger bread for the the tyrannical dictators that are my captors. "Gingerbread, when will you make the gingerbread!?!" We spent the next day putting together a miniature replica of this house they hold me in, but mostly they gorged themselves on chocolates and candies.
Most recently they had me scrubbing their toilets on Christmas Eve. Though I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone, I am just glad to be alive. My cell mate is severely ill, he is coughing and shivering and luckily they aren't quite as hard on him... but they do make him sit for hours playing a Winnie The Pooh video game, the same game they have forced him to play for months now. They are slowly breaking him down mentally I think, with constant images of rotund yellow bears and tiny pink piglets. Oh the horror.
On Christmas I got up at the crack o' to make the angry mob breakfast of their traditional holiday coffee cake, then was forced to endure over an hour of the sound of ripping paper and shrieking.
My captors forced me to do manual labor last night, in which I was made to go out in the cold in the dark and press together large clumps of snow. My dinner was stolen from me and placed on the smallest of the clumps, as were the buttons on my pants. Notice the gleeful smiles. Oh how they love to torture me!
I have just now dug my way out of a snow tunnel and am making my escape back into the house
where I must then be interrogated, most likely with questions such as " Where is my HOT COCOA!", and "Why are there only 8 marshmallows and not 10?"You may have been wondering why I haven't posted in a while, and I'll be honest. My captors have been keeping me under lock and key and only allowing me small meals in between making their meals.
About 4 days before Christmas I stayed up all hours of the night making ginger bread for the the tyrannical dictators that are my captors. "Gingerbread, when will you make the gingerbread!?!" We spent the next day putting together a miniature replica of this house they hold me in, but mostly they gorged themselves on chocolates and candies.
Most recently they had me scrubbing their toilets on Christmas Eve. Though I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone, I am just glad to be alive. My cell mate is severely ill, he is coughing and shivering and luckily they aren't quite as hard on him... but they do make him sit for hours playing a Winnie The Pooh video game, the same game they have forced him to play for months now. They are slowly breaking him down mentally I think, with constant images of rotund yellow bears and tiny pink piglets. Oh the horror.
On Christmas I got up at the crack o' to make the angry mob breakfast of their traditional holiday coffee cake, then was forced to endure over an hour of the sound of ripping paper and shrieking.
"High School Musical 2!"
"Elmo!"
"More High School Musical 2!"
"Dora!"
"Even MORE High School Musical 2!"
Heh, heh... little do they know, I have my own tricks! Subliminal auditory suggestions via Disney music. ;)
"Elmo!"
"More High School Musical 2!"
"Dora!"
"Even MORE High School Musical 2!"
Heh, heh... little do they know, I have my own tricks! Subliminal auditory suggestions via Disney music. ;)
Today my captors plan to have me hauling more clumps of snow in the cold, hopefully after I have had at least one cup of coffee. Stay tunes for more messages from the snowy trenches... I hope I last until the New Year.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
And the winner is...
One lucky blogger is about to win How to Eat like a Hot Chick
, can you stand the excitement?
I know. Me too ;)
I realized that some of my favorite bloggers had entered the giveaway, and being that I am often riddled with guilt over the silliest things, I employed my 6 yr old to do the honors.
And my dirty work ;)
And the winner of one almost brand new How to Eat like a Hot Chick book, autographed by me with one teeny tiny coffee stain is.....
Congratulations, Micheele!
, can you stand the excitement?I know. Me too ;)
I realized that some of my favorite bloggers had entered the giveaway, and being that I am often riddled with guilt over the silliest things, I employed my 6 yr old to do the honors.
And my dirty work ;)
And the winner of one almost brand new How to Eat like a Hot Chick book, autographed by me with one teeny tiny coffee stain is.....
Congratulations, Micheele!
Friday, December 21, 2007
How to Eat Like a Hot Chick: a giveaway
I am giving away the copy of How to Eat like a Hot Chick
I received for review (you can see my review here). If you would like to win a free copy of this book:One entry: leave me a comment on this post with the link to your blog (please make sure your link is correct before you leave here so I can contact you!) and I will randomly draw one name.
Two entries: leave me a comment on this post and write a blog post about this drawing that contains a link back to this post. If you could, please tell me in your comment that you are also writing a blog post so I can follow you link and check it out, and to make sure you get your two entries!
The giveaway will end Friday, December 21st, midnight Central Standard Time (Iowa) . Blog posts and entries via comments must be written before this time. This giveaway is for everyone, even outside of th US. :D
Good Luck!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
So long good friend, RIP.
Dearest friend,
I am so sorry that I never told you how much I loved you and now you are gone. I just can't believe it. I am saddened by absence of your humming, the house seems so empty without it.
All the hours we spent in the kitchen together will be remembered with fondness, and I will never forget your tireless energy and your willingness to help me with menial task of washing my dishes.
You carried about your business in the kitchen like nothing was wrong, and I am almost angry that you gave me no warning that you were having issues with your health and would soon die. Yesterday, I knew something was wrong when you just didn't care anymore and decided to smoke for the first time... and just moments before I had to pull the plug, you made odd sputtering and popping noises.
I sensed a spark in you at that moment, a great and horrible spark that I never knew you even had in you. It was almost as if you had decided that life could be summed up in the way in which you left this earth, that your final act would be a memorable one. If only you had warned me, shown some sign that something was amiss... I could have had someone take a look at you and fix what had been ailing you.
I didn't know that the slight leaking from your bottom was that serious. Maybe that was the sign that you were trying to show me... and I ignored it like a fool. I just cleaned up after you and went on believing that everything was alright.
You cold body remains in my kitchen and it is horrifying to me that soon you will sit out in the cold, frozen, for anyone to harvest your parts if they wish. The thought of strangers touching you is almost more than I can bear. I only wish that we had the money to dispose of you properly.
I hope you do not think poorly of me and will understand when I eventually move on and search for another to fill the void.
You once brought Joy and Sunlight into my life, and I feel a gentle warmth Cascade over me when I think of our time together. Dishwasher... you will be sorely missed.
Rest in peace.
1995?-2007
~mert
I am so sorry that I never told you how much I loved you and now you are gone. I just can't believe it. I am saddened by absence of your humming, the house seems so empty without it.
All the hours we spent in the kitchen together will be remembered with fondness, and I will never forget your tireless energy and your willingness to help me with menial task of washing my dishes.
You carried about your business in the kitchen like nothing was wrong, and I am almost angry that you gave me no warning that you were having issues with your health and would soon die. Yesterday, I knew something was wrong when you just didn't care anymore and decided to smoke for the first time... and just moments before I had to pull the plug, you made odd sputtering and popping noises.
I sensed a spark in you at that moment, a great and horrible spark that I never knew you even had in you. It was almost as if you had decided that life could be summed up in the way in which you left this earth, that your final act would be a memorable one. If only you had warned me, shown some sign that something was amiss... I could have had someone take a look at you and fix what had been ailing you.
I didn't know that the slight leaking from your bottom was that serious. Maybe that was the sign that you were trying to show me... and I ignored it like a fool. I just cleaned up after you and went on believing that everything was alright.
You cold body remains in my kitchen and it is horrifying to me that soon you will sit out in the cold, frozen, for anyone to harvest your parts if they wish. The thought of strangers touching you is almost more than I can bear. I only wish that we had the money to dispose of you properly.
I hope you do not think poorly of me and will understand when I eventually move on and search for another to fill the void.
You once brought Joy and Sunlight into my life, and I feel a gentle warmth Cascade over me when I think of our time together. Dishwasher... you will be sorely missed.
Rest in peace.
1995?-2007~mert
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Linking for dollars!
Empowering Youth, Inc, is sponsoring an effort to raise funds for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. Last year, “Linking for Dollars” raised $500! You can help. Empowering Youth will pay one dollar to St. Jude, just for posting this announcement. Details are
here.
Giving doesn't get much easier than that! Please visit Pass the Torch starting December 20th up until the 25th, and make a difference in a child's life :D
Friday, December 14, 2007
How to Eat Like a Hot Chick: a book review
I think it's no real secret that I love reading humorous content, whether it's fiction, self help... etc. This book is no exception! How to Eat like a Hot Chick
starts off by giving the reader a glossary of terms commonly used throughout the book such as LSE (Low Self Esteem) and Mary Kate( having issues with food that cause you to starve yourself).Though some of the ideas behind this book are pretty much no brainers, I have to say that I rather enjoyed reading it. There is some really good info in it about smarter choices and the authors tell you what foods you should save those extra calories for like chocolate, for example.
What I loved about this book is that the authors Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent fully admit that we, the dear reader, are going to make mistakes. They also say right up front that being a Hot Chick is not based on how you look per se , it's more about how you feel. Garbage in, garbage out right? They believe that the key to being hot is to feel hot.
Literally, in their book, making mistakes are fixable. So you ate a piece of chocolate cake for breakfast, huh? That piece of cake that had been taunting you for days and finally you gave in. Lipper and Vincent say that it's not the end of the world... just make smarter choices for the rest of the day, one of their favorites being spinach which is full of nutrients.
The book also discusses common pitfalls such as salad bars, sandwiches, and mixed drinks which can all be loaded with calories and fat if your not careful. There not saying that you should give up those things completely, but they give examples of better choices and substitutes.
The overall message is that we as women need to stop feeling so controlled by food. There will be days when we eat too much chocolate or have that extra slice of pizza, but that shouldn't destroy who you are. Hot Chicks take these things in stride and try to make better choices later in the day and week, or make up for those extra calories by working them off in various ways- including *wiggles eyebrows* you know. ;)
If you have a problem with the occasional curse word and slight sexual innuendo this book is not for you. I obviously don't have a problem with it because I not only love, but LURVE this book.
I am giving away the copy I received for review. If you would like to win a free copy of this book , see the sticky post above.
*** All the book reviews done for HarperCollins or Collins Publishing (an Imprint of HarperCollins Publishing) are done with one stipulation- I receive the book for free and read it. If I like it, I review it on my blog. These are not paid reviews per se, except for receiving the book.***
Thursday, December 13, 2007
So young, and yet so wise ;)
In this post I talked about Anna liking a boy at school that gave her a bracelet he made for her. Again, this would happen to be the very same boy that keeps getting her in trouble at school (though not recently) and I remarked in that post that Anna seems to already admire the "bad boy" type. 
Last night We had some mommy/daughter time while shopping. Lord knows why she likes going shopping with me but she wants to spend time with me, and despite the fact that she slooooows me down I let her come along. besides, we had to pick out decorations for our ginger bread house.
Anyway, before we actually shopped we had dinner at Subway right there in our Walmart. While we ate we chit chatted about various things. Bearing in mind she is only going on 7, she said:
See what I'm saying? He's a baaaaaaaad boy, and a bad influence too! I explained that she should have given it back when she found out it was stolen and next time if someone tries to give her something that doesn't belong to them, to say no thank you.
Unless it's a DVD player or a certified diamond ring.
I kid people, I kid.
Anyway, I'm glad she gave the bracelet back. They way he's going, he's probably already a bigamist with a gambling problem.
Last night We had some mommy/daughter time while shopping. Lord knows why she likes going shopping with me but she wants to spend time with me, and despite the fact that she slooooows me down I let her come along. besides, we had to pick out decorations for our ginger bread house.
Anyway, before we actually shopped we had dinner at Subway right there in our Walmart. While we ate we chit chatted about various things. Bearing in mind she is only going on 7, she said:
Mom, I gave the bracelet back.
You did? What happened?
I found out it was a "marriage bracelet".
*LOL!* A what? A marriage bracelet? I think you made the right decision by giving it back, good for you. You're waaaaay too young for marriage. *I smile at her, while biting my tongue because I don't want to be the one to shatter the whole marriage fairy tale for her... though I am sure she has observed a thing or two about what married life is really like *
*she rolls her eyes knowingly, I snort* Ohhhh yeah!
What did he say when you gave it back?
Well, I didn't give it back in person. I gave it to A, who gave it to B, who gave it to C, and she gave it to him. It was stolen anyway.
Wha? He stole it?
Yeah, he stole it from his sister.
I thought he made it for you. Did you know it was stolen from his sister?
Yessss *She stops to think* but he didn't tell me until 2 days after he gave it to me.
See what I'm saying? He's a baaaaaaaad boy, and a bad influence too! I explained that she should have given it back when she found out it was stolen and next time if someone tries to give her something that doesn't belong to them, to say no thank you.
Unless it's a DVD player or a certified diamond ring.
I kid people, I kid.
Anyway, I'm glad she gave the bracelet back. They way he's going, he's probably already a bigamist with a gambling problem.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Christmas Pooh!
No, I'm not talking about Mr. Hanky people ;)
Elizabeth over at MomReviews is having a give away for My Friends Tigger & Pooh - Super Sleuth Christmas Movie.
I was very excited about the possibility of winning it, and said as much in my comments. That's pretty much all you have to do to enter but you can earn a few more entries too. Head over to her site by clicking the link above and find out how! Good luck!
Elizabeth over at MomReviews is having a give away for My Friends Tigger & Pooh - Super Sleuth Christmas Movie.
I was very excited about the possibility of winning it, and said as much in my comments. That's pretty much all you have to do to enter but you can earn a few more entries too. Head over to her site by clicking the link above and find out how! Good luck!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
*sigh*
Anna was sick last week with a stomach flu that kept her out of school for 3 days... she felt better Friday evening.
Then promptly cam down with another cold/virus Saturday morning, and was coughing so hard that she threw up a few times. Monday, she felt icky so stayed home a 4th day.
Emma got sick Sunday night.
If you have yard apes, grand-ankle biters or work around the wee folk all day long I am sure you can imagine... all the stuff! (typed with nondescript exhaustion... well, because i am exhausted, so exhausted, i refuse to capitalize :P )
Yesterday, it was encroaching on lunchtime and I got the shakes. I realized that though the tissue terrorizing, prolific booger producing rain forest destroyers that I love so dearly were properly fed clothed and medicated, I had neglected to feed myself.
I heated up the leftovers from Sunday breakfast, and being a little short on money, I decided that all leftovers would be eaten with appreciation. I attempted to heat up my eggs and hash browns.
"Mommy i want up."
Mommy has to have breakfast.
"mommy, I need this."
Not right now, i need to eat.
"mommy, I want that."
I am hungry....
"mommy, i have a booger."
Mommy's have to eat too, ya know....
"Mommy, can i? Mommy give me, mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy I want, Mommy I need..."
Can i please eat my....
"UP mommy... I want mommy..."
"PLEASE, CAN I EAT MY MUSHY, REHEATED HASH BROWNS AND RUBBERY EGGS IN PEACE? I'M STARVING! I just want to eat, give me 10 minutes, for Pete's sake. God!...............help me."
*crickets*
20 seconds go by, and my 2 year old's eyes get a fraction larger.
"Up?"
I bury by head in my hands and stare at the less than appealing clumps of slightly greenish hued scrambled 'used to be eggs'. Blah. I eat but do not enjoy my left overs and wash it down with my barely room temperature coffee. I pretend that the leftover bacon is crunchy, and that it is crunchy enough to drown out the munchkin that continues to blatantly disregard my growled requests to be left alone to consume my lackluster fare.
Then I remember, as I manage to gulp down my practically tasteless coffee, that just 8 years ago we were about to end our 11 years of infertility with the biggest surprise and blessing ever.
It's all worth it, and though i would change a few minor details (as in the frequency of illness, and the rate at which they destroy paper products), I wouldn't trade my booger covered boogers for anything.
The End.
I wrote this post as an entry in the Mommy Tantrum contest... do you have a great mommy Tantrum story? Head on over to Bottles, Barbies and Boys and enter your story!
Girlie Giveaway for a Coach Purse!
 |
The rules, quoted from Melinda Zook's site:
Here's the deal:
1. Comment to this post giving me the nod, "Yo, M, enter me" and the link to your blog of course. You only need to enter once. For U.S and Canadian residents only.
2. Place the "Girlie Giveaway" badge below on your blog letting others know about it.
3. The contest will run from today, Saturday 12/8 through Tuesday, 12/18 to midnight.
4. All those that enter will be assigned a number in order of their comment and the lucky number will be chosen out of my son's lucky hat. So if I get 100 entries, I guess I am folding 100 little papers!
5. The winner will be announced 12/19. Good luck!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
A favor, if you wouldn't mind
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I have a sister that my younger brother and I recently reconnected with. My sister's adoptive mother passed yesterday from cancer, a battle she has been fighting for a while.
Marci wasn't able to get there in time but she did drive quite a ways to get there, and spent the night there. She drove home today to get her husband and three kids... Marci also has an adoptive brother, and will be there with her. I was just wondering if you are so inclined, if you could please send her good vibes and prayers.
I am so glad that Marci and her family were able to visit recently, and were able to have a visit without the usual anger and arguing. That in itself is a blessing.
Thanks, I know she will really appreciate it.
~mert
Marci wasn't able to get there in time but she did drive quite a ways to get there, and spent the night there. She drove home today to get her husband and three kids... Marci also has an adoptive brother, and will be there with her. I was just wondering if you are so inclined, if you could please send her good vibes and prayers.
I am so glad that Marci and her family were able to visit recently, and were able to have a visit without the usual anger and arguing. That in itself is a blessing.
Thanks, I know she will really appreciate it.
~mert
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
My poor kid
Anna has had a slight case of walking pneumonia, which was sandwiched between 2 different colds. She just got rid of her cough after being sick for almost a month, and now?
A fever of 104.4 with nausea and vomiting. Last nigh she woke me up after 3 am and said her stomach hurt and she felt like she was going to barf. Boy did she ever! She went with her dad to the emergency room to make sure it wasn't anything serious.
The ER doc asked her routine questions like if she had trouble going poop. She said no, and that she had gone yesterday morning.
He then asked her if she had trouble peeing. John said she looked over with a look that was somewhere in between this:
and this:
...with one raised eyebrow, and whispered sarcastically while rolling her eyes, "That's a silly question."
My girl, she may have lost her sense of humor, but never her sense of sarcasm. ;)
A fever of 104.4 with nausea and vomiting. Last nigh she woke me up after 3 am and said her stomach hurt and she felt like she was going to barf. Boy did she ever! She went with her dad to the emergency room to make sure it wasn't anything serious.
The ER doc asked her routine questions like if she had trouble going poop. She said no, and that she had gone yesterday morning.
He then asked her if she had trouble peeing. John said she looked over with a look that was somewhere in between this:
and this:
...with one raised eyebrow, and whispered sarcastically while rolling her eyes, "That's a silly question."
My girl, she may have lost her sense of humor, but never her sense of sarcasm. ;)
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Random Bizarre-ness
So, two nights ago, after discovering that we are behind on some bills (long story, let's just say that my husband USED to pay the bills *sigh*), I opened a piece of mail that I almost threw out. That little voice said, "No, open it... really."
The unopened piece of mail and I stared each other down for a few minutes. Finally I gave in and opened it, and for my efforts I earned a refund check of 400.00 from our property tax escrow account.
And a paper cut, but it was totally worth it.
That night, obviously distressed that 400.00 wouldn't even touch the bills that we have, I had a dream that night that we won over a million dollars, and I found out by opening a piece of mail.
Now, to sound completely weird let me just say that I have had dreams that have come real, and parts of dreams that have come true. Some of the dreams are good, and some are bad,a nd some are just wishful thinking. I'm playing the lottery just in case.
In other "The circus that is me" news, I had more freaky dreams last night. I don't know what this means, and I don't know if I want to know... I dreamed that Glen Close was having a sing-off with an older actress, who's name fails me.
The really weird part is that I can remember waking up briefly to turn over and thinking, "Glen could take that old broad, in more ways than one. Especially Fatal Attraction Glen."
What the...? No more BLT's for dinner for me. Something got my brain going wonky... maybe it was the adhesive from all of those bills I opened?
This morning I heard a beeping sound. It was driving us all nuts. I had my husband look in the basement to check the water softener and some alarm. I checked around to find the source of the weird electronic sound, and thought I heard it come from a lap top that my husband had already packed and taped up in a box and told John after he came up from searching the basement for 10 minutes.
After John completely unpacked and unwrapped the lap top, the sound chimed again near the spot the laptop box had been originally. Then I realized my cell phone was right there in that spot.
OOPS!
"I'm gonna kill you, lady, " John said shaking his head and laughing.
I guess being so anal retentive (about charging your cell phone that you don't even recognize your own phone's recharge alarm) does have it's down side.
Well, a downside for the husband, anyway.
The downside to the downside? The next time something beeps he's going to send me on the wild goose chase.
The unopened piece of mail and I stared each other down for a few minutes. Finally I gave in and opened it, and for my efforts I earned a refund check of 400.00 from our property tax escrow account.
And a paper cut, but it was totally worth it.
That night, obviously distressed that 400.00 wouldn't even touch the bills that we have, I had a dream that night that we won over a million dollars, and I found out by opening a piece of mail.
Now, to sound completely weird let me just say that I have had dreams that have come real, and parts of dreams that have come true. Some of the dreams are good, and some are bad,a nd some are just wishful thinking. I'm playing the lottery just in case.
In other "The circus that is me" news, I had more freaky dreams last night. I don't know what this means, and I don't know if I want to know... I dreamed that Glen Close was having a sing-off with an older actress, who's name fails me.
The really weird part is that I can remember waking up briefly to turn over and thinking, "Glen could take that old broad, in more ways than one. Especially Fatal Attraction Glen."
What the...? No more BLT's for dinner for me. Something got my brain going wonky... maybe it was the adhesive from all of those bills I opened?This morning I heard a beeping sound. It was driving us all nuts. I had my husband look in the basement to check the water softener and some alarm. I checked around to find the source of the weird electronic sound, and thought I heard it come from a lap top that my husband had already packed and taped up in a box and told John after he came up from searching the basement for 10 minutes.
After John completely unpacked and unwrapped the lap top, the sound chimed again near the spot the laptop box had been originally. Then I realized my cell phone was right there in that spot.
OOPS!
"I'm gonna kill you, lady, " John said shaking his head and laughing.
I guess being so anal retentive (about charging your cell phone that you don't even recognize your own phone's recharge alarm) does have it's down side.
Well, a downside for the husband, anyway.
The downside to the downside? The next time something beeps he's going to send me on the wild goose chase.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
I'm raising heathens!
Last night while we were out celebrating me finishing NaNoWriMo, we started a very deep conversation, a conversation all parents eventually have with their kids.
We talked about some of the possible names for expelling methane. I know! It makes a momma proud!
Here are some the ones we came up with, most of them are pretty obvious:
Fart
Poot
Drop a bomb
Cut the cheese
Rip one/it
Me- Your grandpa liked to say purtsy.
Emma- Who, daddy?
John- No my daddy, your grandpa.
Me- He's in heaven, with Jesus.
Emma- Cheesus? I don't know any Cheesus.
Me- That's very unfortunate.
I always told myself that I would make sure my kids new the true meaning of Christmas*. Looks like we're going to have to cram. ;)
We talked about some of the possible names for expelling methane. I know! It makes a momma proud!
Here are some the ones we came up with, most of them are pretty obvious:
Fart
Poot
Drop a bomb
Cut the cheese
Rip one/it
Me- Your grandpa liked to say purtsy.
Emma- Who, daddy?
John- No my daddy, your grandpa.
Me- He's in heaven, with Jesus.
Emma- Cheesus? I don't know any Cheesus.
Me- That's very unfortunate.
I always told myself that I would make sure my kids new the true meaning of Christmas*. Looks like we're going to have to cram. ;)
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