Wednesday, October 04, 2006

My Birthday

Today, 37 years ago... I was born at Andrews Air Force Base In Maryland, at 4pm. The day was unseasonably cold, and believe it or not there was snow on the ground! I was born with a head full of black hair, and I have been told that I looked like an American Indian baby. Makes sense to me, I am half Mexican, half Caucasian.

I often wonder to myself about my life since that moment, about it's worth and meaning.

My mother and I have never really had a good relationship, except at the peak of my co-dependant moments. My mother is bipolar and has Multiple Personality Disorder, and my earliest memories of her are filled with sadness. There is a palpable darkness when I think of my childhood, and my whole life I have walked over broken glass and egg shells for her.

Two and a half years ago, my mother pulled the last straw. She cut off all contact with me a week and a half after I miscarried, and when I was finally able to get a hold of her her email said to me and my brothers (who were both having marital problems) that she was angry with us for not having called her all week. Her email proceeded to tell me what a horrible parent I was, and pointed out all the ways in which I was flawed. Three quarters of the email was directed at me, again- 1 1/2 weeks after I lost a baby, at 11 weeks.

Over the years I had restrained myself from telling her my true feelings, I didn't want to be the cause of her insanity, and her death. She has attempted suicide many times, has been hospitalized for psychiatric treatment at least 5 or 6 times, so my brothers and I lived in fear for our whole lives. Fear of her "making her crazy", of her hands and words, of what she might do. Two and a half years ago, I finally freed myself from those fears and co-dependency. I had had enough! I wrote her back and told her in so many words we were through, I wasn't going to just sit back and take it anymore. I said that she wouldn't know what a good parent was, she had a lot of nerve, and that she had no right to hurt me like that after losing a baby. I could go on and on about what I wrote to her, but my point is that I finally stood up for myself, and in my own way told her " I am mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

I am thankful that despite the beatings she got from the man that sired me (for supposedly not being his child, even though I looked so much like him as a child, unfortunately), and despite her telling my childhood shrink right in front of me that I was an unwanted pregnancy because of him, that she didn't abort me. Or give me up for adoption like she did my older half-sister.I suffered as a child (as did my brothers) at her hand, but better the devil you know... I could have had it so much worse in the system. I choose to believe this, and I cling to it.

* I have something positive to say, honest!*

Though I have no actual relationship with my mother at this time and have not spoken to her in over 2 1/2 years, I am grateful that she had me. I am glad I am here, that I survived my childhood- despite my parents. I choose to be a good parent and a good person despite my genetic donors, despite my childhood conditioning.

On this day, a day I have dreaded my whole life, every single year... I finally know me. I know my purpose, and I am happy to be here. I am happy to have been born on this day, and I have joy to be where I am today. I thank God for bringing me through the valley, and showing me that I am loved and have value, and for blessing me with all that I have.

It truly is a joyous occasion.

Your Birthdate: October 4

You have an extraordinary character - moral, responsible, and disciplined.
Your sincerely and honesty shine through in almost every situation.
Driven and focused, you rarely let your emotions get the better of you.
You're level headed and rational. People count on your to look at things objectively.

Your strength: Your unwavering loyalty and ethics

Your weakness: Your rock solid stubbornness

Your power color: Navy blue

Your power symbol: Shield

Your power month: April


Melzie said...

Happy birthday to you. Happy indeed that you have risen above such circumstance. ((hugs)) melzie

Karmyn R said...

Happy Birthday! From everything I've read - you sound like a wonderful mother, so you've truly broken that chain.

And your post makes me sad - my sister is bi-polar (not the one that blogs - the other one). I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder, but just never diagosed. She fits it perfectly. Anyway, she has 4 children and I fear that this will be their post they will write in a few years. I pray not - but can only hope that the love from their grandparents and aunts fills them with hope.

kailani said...

I can't even imagine what you've been through. Despite all that, you should be proud of the person you've become. You're a wonderful wife and mother. No one can take that away from you.

Happy Birthday!

Robin said...

:( but :)

Wow....just wow. I'm so thankful you've survived. God's grace in the midst of horror. You ARE so positive everywhere I "see" you in the blogosphere; I'm sure there have been times you never thought you'd get to the "place" you are.

Happy belated...thank you for all the kind things you've shared at "my place".

Mert said...

Thank you very much Melzie, Karmyn, Kailani, and Robin :OD I had a wonderful birthday!