Saturday, June 30, 2007
Since Gabe's mom and dad- my brother Ben- are divorced, they split the week up and Gabe (and his little brother Matty) spends half of the week with mommy and half with daddy. His mom and dad had to try to find a day care that suited Gabe's needs and that was also near his mom and dad, but Gabe doesn't like it too much.
The other day, while staying with his mom, Gabe came into her room and woke her up. His mom asked him if was ok, and if he was looking forward to going to "school" today.
He began to sing a song, and Gabe's response was very appropriate.
"It's the end of the worrrrrrld , as we know it! It's the end of the worrrrrrld as we know it..."
Again, I say, this kid is catching on. Look out world, the humor gene has struck again. ;)
As his aunt, and a connoisseur of sarcasm... I couldn't be more proud.
For those of you who don't know thw song, hee it is and this is where Gabe got the song from. :D
Friday, June 29, 2007
So without further ado, I'll award the few fellas I know in the blogosphere too. Actually the 2 that I know. In the blogosphere . Which makes me realize that I really need to branch out more. ;)
Guys, you have 2 designs to choose from, neither were made by me. Dude's your assignment- should you choose to accept it- is to award this to 5 dude bloggers you know. I guess if you don't have 5 dudes lined up, you could hand out some Rockin' Girls awards too!
Daddy Forever is probably getting tired of me taking his name in vain, and of making him do these things, but he is definitely one cool daddy-o. His writing is very humorous about all the goings on in the Forever house, and doesn't shy away from touchy subjects like ruining Mother's day then and asking for for a Porsche for Father's Day ;) If you haven't read 100 things about us - parts 1-4, you are really missing out. And he's kind of dorky which you KNOW I love.
Speaking of dorks, there is another self proclaimed dork black belt out there in the land of dudes, Dorky Dad. I just recently met Dorky Dad by following one of Daddy Forever's links, and from the start I really enjoyed reading his posts. You have to be at least a little intrigued by a post title like: Dorky Dad teaches his kid the basics, Pulling a blog post out of my butt, and Peeing in the Woods (and other Camping Stories).
My only question is this: Dorky Dad , how come you have a section of links titled These People Are Not Dorks? And what about the rest of us who are? ;)
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Apparently she digs my style of bloggery ;) Also, as she said- we have this soulful bond because of the similarities of our egg donors (read as crazy biotches for mothers, pardon my Francais!).
I'll skip the part where I deny my worthiness, and I'll skip the usual self-deprecation and just say thanks! Thanks Slackermommy! I'm glad to know you and to call you friend, and I am pleased as punch that you think I Rock! :D
Now it is my job, my task to award this to 5 other bloggers. I'm thinking the blogging dudes I know probably wouldn't appreciate me giving them this award because of the hot pinkness, and it having the word girl on it, so that narrows down my list of potential award'ees from 30 to about 27. Sheesh! This is always so hard, and in this particular situation... I know a lot of really cool Rockin' Girls.
The other problem is that since I run in at least 2 distinct blogging circles, I am bound to give the award to gals that my other award'ees will want to award. Does that makes sense?
Gah, well- Here I go. I say if you are awarded more than once, the more the merrier right?
I cannot, however, just narrow it down to 5. here are the lovely ladies that i wish to present this award to, in no particular order... I heart all of equally. :D
Not So Anonymous Michelle is a blogger that I recently had the great fortune to meet. Michelle and I have a lot in common, including each of us having an ankle biter named Emma Rose, and I can't imagine not having Michelle in my life... we are a great support to each other. We only live a state away and i can see us getting together sometime soon!
Holly is one of those people who is just so kind and generous... no matter how distasteful you behavior might be. And,yes when I say you, I mean me. Holly can see the good in almost anyone and any situation, is she will be the first to point out that every moment has a potential to teach us something. When I think of Holly, I think of Grace or Audrey. :)
Maggie always has me in stitches because she can always see the humor in things. Maggie was one of the first people to give me an award, and she likes me because I'm not sappy... supposedly. She just gets me and my weird sense of humor. For those reasons alone she deserves this award, but also I really enjoy Maggie's writing style. Plus she's a soul sista.
Crse... What can I tell you about crse? She is a very kind, loving and supportive person. And she is a self proclaimed dork! Life is never dull at the Casa D'Zamphir, and I can honestly say that without a doubt crse gets every single on of my idio(t)syncrasies, neurotic tendencies, egg donor dilemmas and general dorkiness. Snurgles!
Ash is someone I found through crse. I heart Ash. She's not afraid to put it all out there and "sock it to ya". Ash and I have more in common than either of us think, including our first born chil'rens, kittehs that like to share their "manly stink", loads of sarcasm and general egg donor angst. Ash, I dig your writing style, don't ever change. Squee!
Kailani is my first true blogging friend I don't mind telling ya. She was also the first to pimp my blog, on more than one occasion. There was a time when I almost thought I lost her, when she had to disappear from the blogosphere. That was the longest week ever! Kailani is always open and honest and to be honest, just always positive and gracious- even when she is writing about something really annoying.
Jen is another fellow dorkess, and is the creator of Dork Bloggers and is another chiqua that just plain gets me. I love reading her blog because you just never know what you are going to find next... but it's usually hilarious! Jen is another blogger I am proud to call soul sista :D
Virginia...Sarcasm- you know I loves me some! Virginia is just an all around awesome person, and she tell a story! Her tales of Walmart woes always has me in tears. I can't ever have enough of the Virginia Monologues. :D
Jenny Ryan is one of the smartest AND funniest bloggers I know. Jenny continues to surprise me and making me laugh, every single post she writes. And she likes me despite my obvious deviations from proper grammar and sometimes speeling. <---- Just like this one ;)
Pippajo is yet another lovely lady that is the the whole she-bang. She's got a real writing style that gets to the meat of any topic. She hilarious, charming and warm , all wrapped into one. You're just yummy Pippa! The cherry on top? You guessed it, a fellow grand dork at Dork Bloggers.
Karmyn once again... One of my first true blogging friends. Karmyn is gracious and kind, yet gives her opinion openly and freely. Karmyn doesn't hold anything back and her blog is like coming home. I know, corny much? But so true- Karmyn you are funny and smart, and just a love! Thanks for being such a positive influence in the blogosphere :D
So there you have it! All the women that I think are Rockin' Girl Bloggers. :D Stick a fork in me , I'm done
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Nope honey-I say- It's not for a loooong time.
"Aww-wahaw." She shows her defeat with the slump of the shoulders I know so well. Her mentor (big sis) taught her.
I hate to think that I- in my pessimistic wisdom- have tainted my child, but again I say... She's around ME 24/7, who else would she have gotten it from?
So now, after a few days of No, no and no, she says:
It not my birfday, huh?
Once in a while though she will surprise me with a life time lesson that Dorky Dad reminded me of:
*Big dramatic hand gestures, and spoken in a cute but awe stricken whisper-y voice* Itssssss mah birf-day.....!
Alos, you might have noticed the new button in my sidebar... My blogging bud Local Girl
has started her own web business called the Island baby Boutique. All of her items are very cute and reasonably priced... I really love the Tooth Fairy Pillows! :D
She also has some adorable burp cloths and bibs, nursing pillow covers and diaper shirts. You can chose the fabric , embroidery image and the font styles to customize them to your liking. Go give her website a look, you might find something for that baby shower that you have marked on your calendar
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
The weird thing is that though we lived on opposite ends of the country, we had very similar childhoods. It's disturbing actually.
While I was talking to my sis, and told her about some of the things our mother had said that she had said, Marci told me that after our mother left California ( when she met Marci), she didn't speak to her again. I suddenly remembered the egg donor mentioning that Marci's mom had written her at least once and that was around the time she was telling me that Marci had said some horrible stuff about me. She also accused me of saying horrible stuff to Marci.
It sounds like to me that we were both sabotaged by our mothers. But why? Probably jealousy, and the need to be in control- they both have issues with being control freaks.
My brother Ben asked me if knowing all of that made me angry because our mother was to blame for the 10 years Marci and I missed out on. Sure, I'm a bit pissed about it, but I told Ben that it doesn't even come close to the joy that I have in me right now. I'm just smiling like an idiot when I think of Ben and I reconnecting with Marci, and I am looking forward to the day that the 3 of us can meet and visit.
Ben, Marci and I are a bunch of goofs, we all like to have fun and cut up, so when we do meet it's going to be a face and stomach hurting couple of days... from laughing so much. I can't wait.
I really do feel like that part of me that was missing is now whole. I just wished that we all lived closer. :)
Monday, June 25, 2007
Well, they took her in today and her blood glucose was over 600, they rushed her to University of Iowa Hospital in Iowa City. When they got there it was 427. For A normal blood glucose for a toddler is 100-180.
They are staying over night, it may even be for a few days so that the doctors can be sure that her blood sugar is stable after finding just the right dose of insulin For Elsie... and also, Jason and Melinda will need to learn how to test her blood glucose several times a day and give the appropriate amount of insulin.
I am hoping and praying that her poor little body responds well to insulin and she becomes stable soon, and that her mom and dad can get used to the idea of treating and maintaining her illness for the next 17 years- including diet management and exercise.
I think though - despite the fact that I'm an LPN/LVN and have done thousands of sticks on patients for glucose testing and insulin- from a mom's stand point, it will be hard for her to have to stick her baby. Elsie isn't at an age where her illness and need for shots can be explained easily, and having to poke her 2-4 times a day will be very hard for them.
So if you wouldn't mind, please say some prayers for Elsie and her parents Jason and Melinda. I know that they would really appreciate any prayers they can get right now. Thanks guys!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
You really want to know? Life, that's what. I'm not just talking about the time I jumped out of a car - which I do have scars from- or the fact that my addiction to chocolate is evidenced by the shear size of my general butt region.
When I ponder what outsiders would think of my sk*rt areas... The truth is I realize I just don't care. Sure, I survived an unexpected collision with graveled terrain, but most people wouldn't be able to find the marks that have long been camouflaged by the battle scars of expanding myself through mass quantities of carbs ,and well- pregnancy.
Though it's terrain may include the barely healed pot holes of the 2 lumps removed from my right leg, it also contains the battle scars motherhood. I wasn't blessed with the "no cellulite" gene, or the ability to remain stretch mark free.
What you will find under my sk*rt are the marks of labor and love. You'll find a scar low on my belly that bore 3 children into this world, 2 in life and one who was not meant to be.
You'll see paths my body traveled- in joy and in pain, through the marks mapped out on my thighs and belly.
You'll see from my battle scars that I lived to jump another day. :D
That's life. And for the most part... I wouldn't change a thing.
You may notice the Sk*rt button at the end of each of my blog posts, you might have already noticed these at your favorite blogs. Also they have cool contests to win prizes. There is one going on right now -sk*rt Share-the-Love Contest- where all you have to do put a button with a link back to them in your sidebar, then drop them and email... and you have achance to win prizes worth 500$ or more.
Not a paid post, just a "sharing the coolness" post ;)
Friday, June 22, 2007
After I got Emma calmed down, I told her that i loved her "all day long", which is what she likes to say when she wants us to know she is annoyed with something. :D As in:"I had a booger in my nose allll dayyyy long."
Anyway, like with Anna I try to make sure that Emma knows I love her no matter what.
I love you all day long, even when you're grumpy.
*nods her head* What else?
I love you all day long, even when you're stinky.
*smile* What next?
I love you all day long, even when you're sassy.
Mmmhmmm, what else?
I love you all day long, every day, forever and ever.
She smiled a big smile then showed me that she loved me too... by licking her hand and wiping it down my face.
Well, to give her a little credit she does normally deposit a good amount of saliva... but usually its sequestered to one area on my face. This time she was going for the gold I guess.
OK, enough about me. ;)
Anna got through 1 1/2 Twinkies, and then she said, "Mom, I can't eat any more. They are making me noxious."
To which John said- about his darling (gassy) daughter,"I don't have a hard time believing that."
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I was thinking the other day about something that is important but it's also something that we women take for granted and often neglect. How many of us women actually do the monthly breast exam? Women are just as busy as men, don't get me wrong... but we are so busy whether we work out side the home or not. Most women tend to neglect themselves and put their family first.
I'm not trying to place blame or guilt on anyone, it's just a fact of life. Often times we are busy making appointments for our family, and put our needs last. that what we do. :) There are lots of dads out there too that sacrifice just as much as moms do... but this is mostly for the gals.
I was thinking... what if we made very 15th of the month we agreed across the blogoshpere (maybe it will even spread to other arenas) that each of us women do our self exams? What if we took a second to make mention of this reminder in a post?
I already have an agreement with the MIL that we remind each other every 15th. I have a feeling it will be mostly me reminding her ;), but I was thinking of making a small button to place in my monthly post.
I want to name it something, but not too risque ... nothing like "Boobs Across America" *cheeky grin* But I would like it to be something fun and not so serious. The first thing that popped into my head was that I needed to "frisk" myself each month.
Frisk on the 15th
Frisk the 15th
If you guys have any other ideas for names, let me know.
If there are guys reading this and you think that it's important for men to do these exams (on yourselves, fellers) I could make a button for the guys too. I could make a manly version of the button just for the guys. I know that I read 450 men die from breast cancer each year as well ("Family history is just one of the risk factors for male breast cancer... "), so this disease doesn't just affect women.
Before I do hours of Photoshopping though (I tend to go a little over board and make many variations of one theme), I was wondering if anyone would be interested in doing this. I'm wondering how many are like me and could use a reminder?
BTW, my sister worte me back after my previous letter... things are going very well. I have a feeling we will be speaking to each other over the phone soon. :D
Monday, June 18, 2007
Wolfbaby is the winner of a 10$ Starbucks gift card for guessing correctly the 2 things I changed on my header since putting up this theme.
Here is the original:
Wolfbaby asked: "the light and butterfly to the left is new?"
The sun is setting in the new version, and the butterfly on the left moved up a bit. :D
Congratulations Wolfbaby... I hope you have a Starbucks nearby. If not, I'll get you something else. ;)
In her last message, Marci filled me in on what's been going on in her life since we last spoke 10 years ago. I wrote her back... and though I wanted to share with her my life's progress report too, I felt like there was something that I needed to get off of my chest. Life is too short, I don't want to waste another moment. Here is what I wrote to her...
Hi sis,So, there you have it. I'm playing for keeps this time. Like I said, I'm getting too old for heart ache and drama... I want more.
I was telling Katie in a message that I thought it was so cool that you and Ben have a boy named Matthew! I bet they do keep you busy! I have 2 girls... sometimes just for a second I have those "awww, a baby" thoughts but then my girls bring me back to reality. They are high maintenance . I have people tell me all the time that their kids are nothing a like... and I'm in awe that my kids couldn't be MORE a like. Anna is my mini me, and Emma is her's... so John is the one that really has his hands full I suppose! *snort!*
I'm really sorry that your mom is sick... I wish I was able to get to know her better. I know how hard it is to watch a family member go like that. John's dad died of lung cancer that metastasized to the brain. The last month of his life he lived here in our house and we helped my sister in law (and RN) take care of him. Please know that I will keep your mom and you in my prayers.
I completely understand your thoughts about finding and reconnecting with family... mortality has a weird way of making us figure out what is really important, doesn't it? I have a best friend that lives in California, and there were times that we fought like cats and dogs. We even fought after I moved to Iowa 6 years ago. Now we look back and ask each other what the heck was all the fuss about. Some of the stuff we fought about was just silly. Effie and I agree that we are older and (somewhat) wiser, and we can see the mistakes we made with an excruciating clarity.
So you have a situation like me and you, then throw our mother into the mix (which by the way, Ben and I have agreed to keep talk about her to an absolute minimum with you- we don't want to scare you off ;) ... but it's overwhelming I know... If you ever want to talk about her... Ben and I are definitely here to commiserate with ya)... well, things got a little crazy.
I was so worried that maybe you just wanted to connect with Ben, and at first I didn't want to get in the way. Then I thought "Heck, this is my sister too. She might be just as confused about the past as I am... I am going to step up to the plate and let her know I'm here for her too".
See, I don't know if I ever got to tell you this. I ALWAYS wanted a sister. Before our mother told us about you, I just always felt like there was a piece of me missing, I can't explain it. I could imagine all the cool things my sister and I would do like share our clothes and just love each other. I had a doll I named Stephanie (your birth name right?), she was my favorite doll. I had decided that Stephanie would be my daughters name if I ever had one.
When our mother told us about you, I was young probably about 10. Marci, I can't tell you how happy -and yet sad- I was when I found out that you were out there. I had a sister out there... the sister I had always wanted.
Living in California was weird for me sometimes. I had this feeling you were still in California and there were times that I saw a woman that looked like me... and my heart would thump and race at the thought that it could be you.
Anyway... not being dramatic I promise (the drama gene does run in the family, I hate to tell ya!), I just wanted you to know that you were wanted. Even though I didn't know what you looked like, or what your laugh sounded like, if you were happy... if you ever wished you had a sister too- I imagined you a lot. Before I knew about you and after she told us. I have longed for you my whole life, and when all that stuff happened... it about crushed me.
I'm too old to miss a chance like this again. I hope I have learned from the past, and like you said- I think I'm a little smarter now.
I WANT YOU and always have.
Love you sis, Mary
PS- I'm choked up right now so I'll write more about my updates on me and family later. I promise. Just to warn you, I'm a crier. I cry at commercials, heehee... so don't be surprised if when we get to talk to each other for the first time, if I get teary. :D
Don't we all?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
The only problem I see is Ben and I not talking about the egg donor, we tend to commiserate without warning. So we will just have to remind ourselves I guess.
Marci's mom has cancer and has been battling it for several years. I think that we are going to take things slow, but I hope I can be there for her in her time of need. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love wither away, we went through that with John's dad.
On another note I have an idea for us gals to remind each other to do something that is very important... can you guess what it is?
I want to say thanks to all of you who said all those kind words of support about my mama drama, and all of the other stuff. i know I have been moody and absent lately... and a little self absorbed
Friday, June 15, 2007
- I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
- Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
- People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
- At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
- Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
2. Which leads to this personal observation... I'm a planner and a list maker. If I need to be somewhere I will plan the minutes ticking back from the time we need to be there. I work it all out. on paper. Like a math problem. " We need to board the plane at this time, which means we have to be at the airport at this time, which means we have to leave at this time, which means we have to have the kids ready at this time, which means I have to get up at this time."
I'm hopelessly anal (and sometimes neurotic) about somethings... it can't be helped.
3. I smell my clothes before I put them on, including my undergarments. Even though I know they most likely have been washed with in the last week, I must check for April Freshness. I do not wear the same jammies more than once in a week... I always put on fresh jammies every night. April Freshness rocks. Oh look, I'm being anal again. Imagine that!
4. White noise of any sort makes me sleepy. I get sleepy in the car (unless I'm driving), on planes, when I hear wind rustling through the trees and the drone of the MIL's voice... to the point of almost being a narcoleptic.
5. I'm a carnivore through and through. If I had my way, I'd eat beef for dinner every night. If I'm craving meat I wont be satisfied with anything else I eat. we tried going veggie once, I couldn't hack it.
6. I still worry too much about what other people think of me. Even after I get really angry and go nuclear , even if it's justified... I always feel very guilty immediately after and sometimes during. Neurotic much?
7. When I watch a movie or show that is remotely scary, my feet have to be up off of the floor... and away from open spaces like underneath couches and movie seats. You just never know what might grab you from under there... I fear the seat arrangement "unknown".
8. If I could, I would bring home as many homeless kittehs as possible. Years ago that number was six, six was all that the hubs would tolerate. Now we are down to 3 and sometimes my house feels empty of kitteh-ness. If I could I won the lottery, my dream is to own a farm full of kittehs and to have my own personal vet to do the snip-snips and general kitteh health maintenance.
9. Bonus- I like the word kitteh, can you tell?
Here are a few freebies about me that I find quite amusing... and maybe even a little scary. i saw that my soul sistah Jen's :
'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com
Thursday, June 14, 2007
"Oh good , honey... you did great! You ate half of your sandwich, good job buddy!" *wonders to self how she ate that quickly, but ooooo-k, she must have been hungry*
*As I go to put the rest of her lunch in a baggie, I found the turkey and provolone the little stinker had meticulously placed under the other part of her sandwich* "Ohhhhh, you're good kid... you're good!"
Two years old and already hiding food. the force is strong with this one.
"Keep yo pans on!" - Keep your pants on!, she said to me when I told her to stop making a mess at the dinner table
"I did no!" - I said no
"Do till la me, momma?" - You still love me , momma?, out of the blue during lunch :D Haha, I guess it never hurts to ask, especially after telling your mom to keep her pants on.
"Do tink tha's bunny?" - You think that's funny? , she said to Anna who was smirking at her after Emma yelled at her for something. Anna starting laughing and giggling, and while pointing at moi she yelled, "She got that FROM YOU!"
"Mom, I think because this place is decorated in old cowboy stuff we don't have to worry about talking with our mouths full."
Here is another hard lesson learned... be very careful what you say around your kids. One little slip up, one bad word...
One day I was calling a member of John's family a jerk- but used a different word. Yup a baaaaad one.
Anna said, "Oooooh, mom said a bad word! She said A-$-$-H-@-L-E!"
John stopped dead in his tracks, but neither of us could help but try to hide our laughter after about a second of shock.
I told John at least she spelled it right. I wasn't going to share this, but you guys already know that there isn't much I won't share... even if it makes me look REALLY bad.
I know, I'm a horrible parent. I get it. ;)
Send complaints to:
1/2 Potty Mouth Way
Bad Parent Land, IA 98765
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
According to the egg donor (my mother- we call her that sometimes because calling her mother and mom makes my brother and I uncomfortable, and well, she doesn't deserve the title), when she met my real father (whom we shall refer to as the "jerk", sorry, having a bad day today since all of this is intertwined) she was already pregnant with my sister. My mother had already had my older brother by this time because she had gotten preggers in high school, and he was probably about 2 1/2 to 3 years old. So the jerk supposedly wanted to marry her but said that it was either him or the baby.
My younger brother Ben had talked to the jerk about 10- 12 years ago and according to the jerk- he had told my mother that he couldn't afford to take care of 2 kids, and the baby would probably be better off.
On a side note- Either way, I was told by the egg donor that I was hated before I was born because the jerk accused my mother of cheating on him and that I wasn't his baby. He beat her while she was pregnant, and I guess in her twisted brain she believe that it was somehow the fault of her unborn child- me. I was also told that because of all of this, and the fact that i was unwanted, that my mother *poor her* struggled to love me my whole life.
In a way this makes sense in that my father really didn't want more kids, and here she was pregnant again.Whose fault exactly that I am here on this earth... well we'll never know because I don't plan on speaking to either of my genetic donors ever again.
Anyway, fast forward to the day that Princess Diana died. I remember that day well and it is burned in my memory. Just minutes before I had learned of her tragic death while checking the vitals on my ICU patient and the TV blaring in the back ground. I get a phone call at the desk, which is very unusual because I don't normally work in the ICU, I just float there at times. It's my mother, and she tells me to sit down, She then tells me that my sister Stephanie (the name my mother had given her at birth, but later her name was changed by her adoptive parents to Marci) has found my mother. I'm afraid I don't really remember the details of how she found my mother- I think I was stunned.
Unbelievably, she only lives about 40 minutes from me, in the Sacramento area. I'm so happy at the news, I can't even express it... all my life I had wanted a sister, and at the age of about 10 my mother had told us what had happened. I finally had my sister! I was finally going to meet the sister that I imagined at times, and when I would see a woman who looked like me while we lived in California, my heart would pound at the thought that that could be her.
The next day I think I talked to Marci, and we planned to meet, she was going to drive out to meet me and John. Though the meeting went well, and I got to meet my two nieces, I could tell that underneath it all there was a sadness to Marci- who , by the way, looks a lot like my mother. I understood, how could I not? My mother hadn't wasted any time getting pregnant again.
A day or two later John and I had surprised my mother by taking our new car down payment money we had saved for several months and we bought her plane tickets to come out and meet her daughter that she hadn't seen since birth. My mother flew out after we had made plans with Marci to come to her house and spend the night.
The visit was very strained, my mother had bouts of tears and depression, and would "check out" right in front of everyone. To try to explain the situation and why my mother gave her up, codependent me tried to explain to Marci that she was better off without having lived with the jerk. He had molested his own daughter, what would he have done to her? I tried to explain that she had been better off, but was unable to explain the other ways she had been spared. My mother was there, I couldn't exactly explain all of the abuse my brothers and I had suffered over the years at her hand- physically and mentally.
I realize now that it wasn't my place to have said those things to her. It wasn't my place to try to explain away the pain Marci had experienced over the years knowing she was given away. It wasn't my place to be my mother's mouth piece and to try to save things... in my need to be loved and accepted and liked- by both of them... I was trying so hard to mediate between Marci and my mother. In the end I probably just sounded like I was justifying my mother's decision, and I probably even sounded a little condescending, which wasn't my goal.
The next day at Marci's was even more uncomfortable, as the fact that our mother had admitted to me that she felt no connection with Marci at all- that being the reason she had cried when they had embraced for the first time, she was not having the overwhelming feeling of love that she had hoped for. Which is hilarious in itself if you know my history, and my brothers. Overwhelming feelings of love? Who was she kidding? She simply is not capable.
Anyway, my sister was I'm sure confused - who wouldn't be?- and my mother continued to scowl or stare off into space, or pretend like we were all the best of friends... she was the epitome of bipolar.
After my mother left and went home, she had plenty of opportunity to talk to Marci on the phone. I was accused of being a liar and saying horrible things to my sister. My mother accused me of being a liar when I denied all of the horrible things I was supposed to have said to my sister. I told my mother that she needed to get a grip. She had known me for 27 years... had she ever known me to stir up drama and lie like that?
At this point the fact that my mother could have been making it all up in her crazy little brain did not occur to me. my brothers and I had been told all of our lives that above all she hated lying. She always told the truth because of this... so if we told her she was wrong about something she would go into a rage and beat us. This is how we learned that for as long as we lived with her (and it turns out many years after, until I learned to stand up for myself) that we were not to have an opinion of our own. if we wanted to survive we believed what she believed and kept our mouths shut.
Because of my mother's and my sister's (alleged) accusations, I cut off communication with both of them. When I reconciled with my mother, she was suddenly on my side and was telling me more horrible things my sister had said about me- including that I was immature to let my real father's (the jerk) sexual abuse still affect me... I was so angry I wrote Marci a letter telling her to leave me alone. I wrote that she was lucky to have escaped the abuse from both of my parents, including the man who would have been her step father, the bastard. I told her that if she wanted a real relationship with me I would consider it... because I had always wanted her. All of my life I had longed for a sister, and when I found out about her... I WANTED HER. I had always hoped that one day we would somehow find each other.
Now all of this is coming back to me. My sister found my younger brother on myspace. Ben called me and asked me what i thought, yesterday. I said that if he gets a good feeling about it, to go for it. We both agreed that there was a large chance that our mother had lied and given us misinformation about Marci, and it was possible that our mother had been trying to sabotage us. I said that I thought about her often, and wondered if we could have a relationship... and that there were times I wanted to find her and try again. Ben said he would put the feelers out there and see if she was interested in hearing from me too.
Ben and I are all that we have left of our immediate family since our older brother only wants to have a relationship with us when it's convenient for him, then we don't hear from him for another year. Neither of us speak to the bastard or the egg donor. We have our Aunt Yvonne outside of our immediate family,thank GOD- who is my mother's sister.
I would love to have her in my life, I would love to start over and have the sister that i always wanted. Sure, I expect it will be touch and go at first... I understand her feelings from the past towards me. (which I don't even know if it is real... it could be just more lies from the egg donor) I would want to start over with a clean slate...
I guess we will see, huh?
Thursday, June 07, 2007
"I explained to daddy, and we came to a compromise- No TV means kids driving mommy nuts all summer, which means an unhappy mommy."
To which Anna said with a chuckle, "... and that means a very unhappy daddy."
Smart kid. She may just have the nuances of marriage figured out and she just might be waaaaay ahead of the game. ;)
If you would like a little TMI to round off your Thursday... you can go red a really embarrassing post I wrote at Dork Bloggers.
You'll be laughing at me, not with me. Come one, click the link... you know you want to. ;)
Yesterday evening we went to Arby's for dinner. The one day I decide to leave the diaper bag in the car- the one that has my set of car keys and cell phone- is the day that John does something uncharacteristic like locking the keys in the car. John was not pleased.
In the end, instead of waiting for the MIL to come pick us up without a car seat for Emma, and/or waiting for a lock smith to arrive...
We decided to bust out the small side window in the back of our Isuzu, the side one that was shattered this winter by some hoodlum and that we haven't gotten fixed yet. Luckily, John had duct taped the window up to prevent it from breaking in on one of our kids, so the mess wasn't too bad. John was still not pleased, but at least we were able to go home.
For now, the door window is covered with a very chic black trash bag. I should have taken a picture, but I'm sure you guys have seen this vehicle fashion trend before.
Lesson learned. Even though you may not use a single thing in that diaper bag on an ordinary day, you just never know. I guess I'll be hauling that sucker with me every where from now on.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
So yesterday I went shopping with the MIL. In the past I have been painfully aware that when I and/or the girls go shopping with the MIL, sometimes we are nothing more than background noise, accomplices (to her love hate relationship with money and credit cards), and just there to keep her from feeling lonely.
There have also been times when she has asked us to go shopping with her, and she asks if there are places that we would like to go, but in the end our wants and wishes, sometimes even NEEDS are shoved aside... because it's not what she wants.
Each time I become angry and frustrated. Sometimes I bite my tongue, sometimes my tongue gets the better of me.... but still, how will she- *a person who is oblivious to what is acceptable and proper, mostly because these things do not fit with any scenario that would fill her needs first or at all- supposed to know when she has done something wrong, unless I tell her? But it doesn't matter because she never really listens... refer back to the *. All of which makes me more angry and frustrated.
Yesterday, this was the case. ALL of this was the case. Once again. You would think by now that I would have learned. I'm a sucker... I have this ability to either be very mistrusting or to be too trusting. Then sometimes, just sometimes, I am mistrusting, feel guilty... then trust too much. ;) This too, would be the case with the MIL. I have this hope buried deep inside of me that one day she will stop being so self centered and that one day her overwhelming sense of entitlement will be crushed beneath true compassion and love for her family. I keep trusting one day that she is going to change... and in the end I feel like a fool for putting my trust out there again.
Sometimes I can't decide whether or not to give up on a human. For the most part, I try to remember that this person is human just like me, and I try to hope that there is a chance for change. The Christian in me wants to forgive and try again. The other part of me wants to become a hermit and not interact with other people at all. I'm one conflicted individual! But you probably knew that already.
Anyway, she asked us to go, we went. She spends and hour in Bath and Body Works shopping for lotion. She finishes with over a hundred dollars in lotion, despite admitting that she has a few boxes of this stuff at home already. OK, I shop too, but after a good 1/2 hour I've about reached my maximum lotion shopping allotment. Afterwards, she announces that we will now be heading back to the bookstore to get the book light- light bulbs that she needs and exiting the store to go right to the car to leave.
Gritting my teeth, I say no- that Anna wants to go to the Disney Store, like we had talked about in the car on the 45 minute drive to the mall. And my kids are hungry, just like I had said in the car. I told her WE are going to go to the Disney store, while SHE takes her bags of lotion to her car. WE will meet HER at the food court next to the book store so my kids can eat, and THEN we could do whatever.
She wasn't too terribly happy with my version, but she relented. We decided to all have a late lunch then. I bought lunch for my girls and she surprised me by buying mine and hers. I thanked her.
After lunch we headed for JC Penney's, and she saw another lotion place I had mentioned The Body Shop, which I had said on the way that I would like make my own scented lotion. "I'd wouldn't mind looking in there too, you said you wanted to go in there."
I said- thinking to myself that yes I did mention that I wanted to go in there, but that was before spending an hour in another place devoted entirely to lotions and body wash, etc- " I really don't feel like spending another hour in a lotion place."
Pretty simple concept , I thought. In front of me I see her bristle, barely perceptible, but it was there.
"What, you don't know what scents you like?" She asked, with just a touch of sarcasm.
Ok, here we go, gloves are off. "SURE, I know what scents I like... I don't want to spend another hour looking at lotion!"
We move on to Starbucks, her irritation with me suddenly gone. We place our orders and she decides to pay again, without telling me. While waiting for our order, I asked, "Will you please take some money for this?"
"No," She says, "I just expect people to go shopping with me without complaining."
Uhhhhh. Hmph. I stood there for a moment with my mouth open, then snapped it shut. She basically said in so many words that as long as I keep my mouth shut, she'll buy me stuff. She's trying to bribe me!
Oh God, you don't know how angry this made me. At first, the human in me thought- well fine, you want to play it that way, go ahead. I just take advantage of you, @$%@&@& %#^%! I sat down and simmered a bit, meanwhile she once again buts in while I am disciplining my child. She's going for the gold obviously. Anna wants my Frappacino since she has already scarfed down hers without even tasting it. I say no, she's had enough. So what does the MIL do? She offers Anna some of hers. I look her square in the eye and choke out through my clenched jaw "NO. She's had ENOUGH."
The first half of my life I endured all sorts of guilt from my mother ( as in: I'm the one who made her crazy, I make her crazy, it's my fault she is depressed and the reason she wants to kill herself, and I was the reason her marriage to my step dad was failing while I was still living under her roof... etc. I could go on, but don't want to). I know that this is the reason that I am able to go from zero to witch in 2.4 seconds and still be able to start to feel guilty about hurting someone's feelings before I've even come down off of my anger high.
The Christian in me knows it would be wrong to take advantage of her like that, though it is she who believes that she is taking advantage- I say this because all of what I have suspected about her using me and my kids as entertainment and back ground noise while she is shopping is true. It is confirmed by her own statement that I shouldn't complain and I'll reap the benefits.
Shocking. But not really, nothing she does anymore is that shocking. It's all geared towards what is best for her.
The problem with all of this is that this will be something I need to discuss with her before we ever go shopping together again. We need to get a few things straight. No, I will not keep my mouth shut, and no I will not have my or my kids needs shoved aside to suit her, then be bought off. I will not allow her to continue to rationalize spending hundreds of dollars, just because she decided to throw something in for me. I cannot be an accomplice to her over spending anymore, though it is her decision and choice to spend money she doesn't have...
I think I just wont be able to go at all. On the other hand, I'm not responsible for what she spends... and I can refuse to let her pay for stuff for me and my girls when I clearly have the money to buy what I need. I can also refuse to go shopping with her unless she agrees with my terms. I'm not her puppet or puppy, and I will not be placated with doggie treats.
It's not that I am not grateful for what she does for us, I just don't like being told that I have shut my mouth and have no opinion. Sorry, the first 18 years of my life was like that. Not going to happen.
Anywho, after all the ranting, whining and complaining... This is what Emma got out of the trip, this was her doggie biscuit... her bribe. It's totally something she needs and it's not ridiculous at all.
But the MIL just had to buy it for Emma because- well, she wanted it, and it was 75% off. Fantastic! Another toy we don't need- to add to our over flowing toy boxes... a toy that wont even FIT in the toy boxes.
Notice the fake smile, folks.
And just so you get an idea... the little ducky on the right is actual rubber ducky size. This new ducky is the Godzilla of all rubber duckies. :D
Sunday, June 03, 2007
I made this from scratch in Photoshop. :D I'm hoping to not get bored with this header, but I might change it ... you never know. ;)
Anywho, speaking of summer, I'm trying to convince the hubs to buy us a pool so the girls and I can be outside even on the hot days. Oh, and some sort of service for the boob tube for summer boredom emergencies, though if we do get service (like a dish), I'm really going to try to keep it to a minimum... Anna is at that age where habits are really starting to set in. I don't want my kids to be sedentary and over weight later on in life like me.
Today is our 18th anniversary and we had hoped to have a picnic with the girls, but the ground is pretty soggy from all the rain we have had in the last 3 days- including today- so it looks like John will have to settle for my homemade enchiladas.
I hope your summer is off to a good start!
Except for the part where summer started of with pooh. ;)
Friday, June 01, 2007
Guess what neighbors! Once again, in the general vacinity of my anniversary, my basement has flooded.
Yup, that's right... Severe thunderstorms and rain the last 20 minutes, and the sewage backs up through a drain in my basement floor.
I just called the hubs to share the good news, and reminded him that this is the second time this has happened before our anniversary.
"What's the basement trying to tell us?" John asked.
"You want to know? It's saying your the sh*t, baby."
"That's right, I am the sh*t! See? the basement knows."
Exuse me while I go open the windows and light a candle. I light this candle in the name of Love.
INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:
Next select five people to tag:
(I'm going to try to pick blogging buddies who haven't been tagged recently, and please... only do it if you want to! No pressure.)
What were you doing 10 years ago?
Running off to Vegas, Tahoe, or Monterey any time we wanted... Working full time as a LPN/LVN, painting, reading, crafting... Living the California Lifestyle comfortably... yet being very sad that we couldn't have children to share it with.
What were you doing 1 year ago?
The same thing I'm doing right now, which is blogging during Emma's nap. ;)
Five snacks you enjoy:
( all very fattening, lucky me!)
1. Lay's Jalapeño Chips
2. Dark Chocolate, preferably Ghirardelli's
3. lemon flavored snacks (cookies, muffins)
4. Peanut butter and honey, mixed, on a spoon
5. Starbucks Frappacinos and Dairy Queen's Mocha Moolattes
Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
1. Bring Me to Life- Evanescence
2. Breathe- Faith Hill
3. Train Wreck- Sarah McLachlan
4. Good Is Good- Sheryl Crow
5. Diary of Jane- Breaking Benjamin
Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Give my house to the MIL after paying it off
2. Buy a new, larger house with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms!
3. Invest part of it
4. Donate a part to a charity -which includes family ;)
Five bad habits:
1. Eating late at night
2. Forgetting I'm in public when I pick a wedgie.
3. Losing my patience with my kids
4. Not doing what I need to do to be healthy (eat right/workout)
5. Saying too much and not using my "edit button". Basically being a dork.
Five things you like doing:
1. Making my husband and kids laugh, no matter the price I pay in dignity
2. Reading, which I don't do enough of
3. Art (drawing , painting- again I don't do it enough)
5. Finding a good bargain
Five things you would never wear again:
1. Bell Bottoms (childhood, and the Navy... ugh!)
2. Tube tops (trust me, no one wants to see that)
3. Bikini (" " " ")
4. Purple or green mascara (What was I thinking... well, I was young then and could pull it off)
5. I'd like to say stains on my shirt, but that's realistic, is it? Ummm... Skin tight clothes ;)
Five favorite toys:
1. PC games (The Sims 2)
2. PSP on occasion
3. My PC in general
4. My sewing machine
5. (I'll agree with Daddy Forever on this one... the spouse ) my husband , the MISU... Body and Soul :D