Monday, July 02, 2007

Manic Monday: Independence


This is my first Manic Monday post... Memories of my independence are mixed with great joy and fear of the unknown, and as I read some of the Manic Monday entries today, those feelings hit me once again.

A little while back I wrote about the stretch of time that occurred between me graduating from high school and meeting my husband, and to quote from part 3 of You Had Me At "You Kind Of Annoy Me" ,I talk about barely existing while waiting to start my new life in the Navy, months after graduation. I refer to the fact that my mother told me that she and the rest of my family had prayed and that GOD told them I was lying about being sexually abused by my real father, that I was sick and needed help, and that this was the reason why I was such a troubled child and such a burden to them:


I suffered through the holidays as best as I could, knowing that the end was in sight... just beyond my reach. I survived those last few days on pins and needles, excited about the unknown that stretched before me. I remember the night they took me to the airport with such clarity, I remember every facial twitch, every nervous gesture... None of them my own. By now, I was a master at masking my emotions, but inside I was ready to ignite!

My mother broke the silence.

"We believe you."

Squinting at my mother, I said a solitary,"What?"

"I said, we believe you."

I said nothing. I sat, I stared. Emotionless. Seemingly. Tears began to trickle down those stone cheeks of mine, and yet I never wavered.

My mother, taking my tears as a sign of some sort, started to cry hysterically. Was it sadness she saw, or forgiveness? Or maybe just weakness... I'll never know. It was if I was standing upon a precipice, and felt relief and joy knowing that I was about to take the jump. I murmured goodbyes, trying not to show my elation and agitation. I felt that old familiar feeling that at any moment she would pull the rug out from underneath of me.

As I walked through the boarding area, I never looked back. The next few hours would be spent with me being hit on by two older business men. As I flew from Maryland to Florida, I looked at pictures of their children, forced smiles at thinly veiled attempts by one of them to sound divorced, and accepted compliments, sexual innuendos, and business cards with home numbers scrawled on the back... simply because I had nowhere else to go.

What a way to start my new life.
I'll never forget that day. Never. It's as important to me, and is as much of a life altering, joyous moment as marrying my soul mate and finally having my daughters after years of infertility.

It was the first step in me claiming myself as a whole and separate person, and the first step I would take in standing up to my mother many years later. One day I would finally tell my mother she couldn't hurt me anymore with her words and her hands, and though the scars are still there from the past- mentally and physically- I tell her goodbye and try my hardest not to look back.





15 comments:

Crazy Working Mom said...

Oh wow...what a way to start out! Welcome to MM. Looks like you'll be an awesome addition. :)

Great post!

wolfbaby said...

I remember that post.. to a lot to do that.. your pretty amazing know that;)

Jamie said...

It takes courage to reveal so much of yourself. Today seems to be a day for such things among the women bloggers in a world of shared experiences that shouldn't be real much less real to so many.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

welcome to manic monday! so glad you found us!

smiles, bee

Not So Anonymous Michelle said...

Wow, what a post, you're so so amazing and this was quite a tearjerker...HUGS!

Stine said...

Powerful, tragic, and somehow hopeful. I salute you...

Marilyn said...

Welcome to Manic Monday... there are a lot of great people here and you SO belong.

I was sexually abused as a child too... the word God wasn't in my family's vocabulary so at least I was spared that. I can't imagine being told God said I was lying.

It really happened and it isn't your fault. Of course you know that, but it never hurts to hear it again.

Sanni said...

Welcome to Manic Monday!

I feel for you - sometimes the best way is not to look back!

Travis said...

Wow. What tremendous courage. And what an incredible post to start on Manic Monday.

Congratulations on your life.

Happy MM.

Pamela said...

Let your love be like the misty rain; coming softly, but flooding the river (African Proverb)


don't know why I thought of that...

Gattina said...

Welcome to Manic Monday ! It's very nice I like to knit a story around a given word ! I scrolled a little through your blog to understand what it really meant to you this independence from especially your "monster" of mother. And bravo you made quite a hard way to where you are now !

Mags said...

What a powerful first MM...Welcome, and thank you for sharing your story.

(And thanks for stoppin' by earlier! Hope to see you around more)

Dorky Dad said...

Wow. Thanks for sharing. That was a very good post. I think it's great to hear stories of people who overcome such troubles ... it really provides hope.

Daddy Forever said...

Oh I remember that multi-part post. After reading it, I thought your relationship with the egg donor would improve. but it doesn't sound like it.

Danielle said...

My goodness. Girl, I have to give it to you. It seems we have quite a few things in common but one thing you got sweets that I have yet to grasp is an owning of your experiences. You share what many would consider soul crushing experiences with a tone of acceptance. That you have separated your identity with that of your experiences. I have completed the latter but sharing those experiences with an audience as vast as the blogosphere is something I have yet to do. I had to come by after your candid participation in the discussion over at Modern Musings and so glad I did.

Be well and enjoy the day.